Unless
you live under a rock, or do not have basic cable, Match.com commercials are
everywhere. Just recently they started
promoting a "perk" that a paying subscriber can participate in
called: Stir Events. These events are
basically singles events, that subscribers can attend with the hopes of meeting
someone in a safe environment that they have either previously been talking to,
or people that they haven't met on the site yet.
With my
$35 subscription came a lot of potential dates, a few weirdoes, and of course
the typical ridiculous over-under ratio of age.
About 2 weeks in to my subscription, I noticed this thing flashing at
the top of my inbox, so like a curious cat I clicked on it to see what it was
all about. "OH MY GOD.. There is a
singles mixer in my area?" I
thought to myself in the most unexcited sarcastic undertone. How original...Match.com finally decided to
do what Plenty of Fish users have been doing for years.
The
only slightly exciting part about the idea of this event, was that I was
allowed to bring up to 3 additional guests that didn't have to be Match.com
subscribers, so my first text was to Chuck, of course. Half the time, I don't even have to ask him
because I know he is down for just about anything, but my second guest took a
little convincing. I decided to ask one
of my co-workers to attend as well, because she too had terrible experiences
with online dating, and I have been trying to convince her for months to start her own blog, because some
of her horror stories make mine look like a church sermon.
With 2
girls and one guy, I made the executive decision that a 4th person was not
needed for this adventure. I was
slightly irritated at the timing of this event, considering it was 1. on a
Thursday Night, 2. at a bar in the Strip District (second least favorite place
next to ShadySide), and 3. It just so happened to be the day before I was
leaving to go to Miami for the holiday weekend, which meant I could not drink
my face off and be the entertainment.
Instead I had to play responsible adult, considering catching my flight
at the ass crack of dawn was more important to me than making a drunken scene
at a singles mixer.
As the
days grew closer to the event, so did the RSVP list. As of 3 days prior to the event, 89 men had
registered. I had no idea what to
expect, considering there was no age limit to this thing, and all I kept doing
was having flashbacks of the geriatric parade at the Plenty of Fish dance. I kept thinking to myself, "What if they
are all Manthers? What if someone I
intentionally ignored is there? What if this is a sign that I have officially
hit rock bottom?" As the day of
grew closer and the number of RSVP's went from 89 to 120, I knew this was
either going to be a good thing, or the worst idea ever.
Finally
the day had come. As Chuck and my co-worker
arrived to my house, we began to strategize as if it were a championship
football game. Being that my co-worker
and I thoroughly enjoy fucking with people, she proceeded to give the run down
on her alias for the night. Her name for
the evening was Linsley. She was a trust fund child from down south who's
family was in the racehorse breeding business.
One of their horses had actually raced in the Kentucky Derby. Chuck and I decided it would be more
entertaining to go in blindly (like we had done before) and see what we can
come up with in an impromptu manner, because that is what Chuck and I tend to
do.
We
arrived at the event about 10 minutes early so that we could check out the
"competition." I wanted to get
their earlier because I intended on leaving early due to my trip the next
day. When we arrived, there was a huge
group of people standing at the bar, so assuming this is when the fun was to
begin, we headed over and got our first round of drinks. About 20 minutes in to it, we couldn't figure
out why this group of people was so clicky, to the point where they weren't
even talking to us. It had appeared that
all these people knew each other. I
instantly thought that this match.com event was not a singles mixer, but in
fact a recruitment for an orgy. Finally
"Linsley" walked up to a random person to ask them what was going
on. Here, on accident, we had actually
unintentionally crashed a company's after work happy hour.
Approaching
the hostess again, she then directed us upstairs, to where the actual event was
taking place. After feeling slightly
dumb and irritated, we made our way upstairs to find roughly about 20 people
standing around, clueless as if they were at a middle school dance. Boys were on one side, girls were on the
other, and the atmosphere felt like a meat market. Walking in to this event was
the equivalent of walking down 5th avenue holding a sign saying, "I'm
single, and putting myself out there..yay." Being there were more females than males, I
really didn't like the odds, however every male that was there at the time
stood there with their thumbs up their asses, almost scared to move as if they
had just gotten an boner and didn't want anyone to see.
As we
made our way to the patio, we noticed that this was the area where the people
that were actually social were. Linsey
had managed to bring with her one of the best ice breaking gimmicks ever. She had brought an old Polaroid camera, to
which she had every intention of using it to hook people up. If she saw 2 people in a deep conversation,
she would approach them, take individual pictures of them, and make them write
their telephone numbers at the bottom and swap.
This was pure genius. It was at
this point that we started making friends.
3
drinks down, and I am starting to feel pretty good, also meaning that I need to
eat something or we are going to have another speed dating experience. Chuck and I headed inside to search for the
food that was being provided to us. Once
we found the table that was about the size of my stove top, we were
disappointed to find not actual food, but appetizers, and shitty ones that
that. A cheese and food plate that fed
about 20 people, quesadillas that were cut to the size of pita chip, and make
shift mini pizzas that a kindergartner could of made. It was at this point I knew I could not drink
any more vodka.
As
Chuck and I loaded up our plates to the equivalent of a free sample day at a
red-neck convention, a blonde girl in her mid 20's approached the table with
us. Chuck will argue that this girl was a red head, which leads me to believe
that he was drunker than what he appeared to be, but it was a blonde girl. She
was very friendly and warm, and introduced herself to us, informing us that she
had came alone. Being that I hadn't
taken a charity case in a while, I felt it was my duty to let this girl hang
out with us, also with alterier motives that her and Chuck would hit it
off. After we introduced ourselves to
her, as I was trying to stuff my face, the three of us began chatting. Before we could even say a word the first
thing out of her mouth was, "There are so many dating websites now, there
is even one for dogs. I'm going to try
to find my dog a boyfriend." As
Chuck gave me a WTF look, I instantly excused myself stating that I had to find
our other friend, and left Chuck to deal with it as I walked away trying not to
choke from laughter.
I made
my way back on to the patio, to where I find Linsey is the life of the
party. She is now engaging in
conversation with a mixture of both men and women. Eventually Chuck and his new found friend
emerged, and we all introduced ourselves accordingly. Instantly our new blonde friend had forgotten
about Chuck and moved on to an older gentleman of Indian decent, to which Chuck
was relieved.
Another
boy/girl friend duo had joined our group as well. Instantly you could tell that the girl had a
crush on her "friend" but for whatever reason was trying to be the
"cool girl" by bringing him to a singles mixer. Him and I started chatting, learning that we
lived very close to each other. Out of
the corner of my eye, I could see his female friend gritting her teeth looking
as if she was ready to attack me, so I kept a safe friendly conversation going
trying to prevent a scene from the Jerry Springer Show.
As the
night went on, more people started pouring in.
It ended up being a vagina fest.
There were women from all walks of life: Trashy, Classy, Cougar, and
Average. The male scene, although slim,
had a broad spectrum, it was either Manthers or 20 something's...and
Chuck. Roughly at about 7pm, one hour
in to this mixer, it was obvious that people were starting to get drunk,
especially our new blonde friend. We
found her sitting outside on a couch, alone, holding her oversized drink with a
glazed over look upon her eyes. She was
in her own little world, but it was ok, because at least people know her there.
Part of
the reason of me going was to meet up with a guy I had been talking to over the
course of my membership. He had informed
me that he was coming, and where the emails were short, sweet and to the point,
and I found it a little bit difficult to hold a conversation with him, I
figured that at least I knew one other person that was going, and power by
numbers is how I roll. I decided to have
1 last drink, since the subpar food had sobered me up a bit, when out of
nowhere, this guy walks up to me and says my name. My first thought is, "Oh Shit, I've
ignored this guy" as I mentally prepared myself for a call out, only to
discover that it was my email buddy, to which I was happy that I had dodged
that bullet. I don't know what came over
me at this point, but I went from being slightly drunk to overly
mischievous. My email buddy had brought
a friend with him also. It was at this
point I had a brilliant idea.
"How
much do you like your friend?" I
asked him. "What do you mean?"
he replied. "How much do you like
your friend, it is a simple question."
I snapped back. "Well he is
my best friend, so a lot I guess?" he replied with a bit of confusion. "I have the perfect girl for him, follow
me." I said, as the evil voice in my head started cackling in
laughter. As I lead them through the
crowd and outside, I walked straight up to my new blonde friend, unknown to my
email buddies friend what was about to happen.
I then introduced everyone to her, and said, "I think the two of
you would get along, why don't you sit down and talk," and forced email
buddies guy friend to sit down next to her.
It was
painful yet hysterical to watch, and with each dirty look that his friend gave
me, I knew I had done a bang up job. She
at this point was pretty shitfaced, and quite possibly slightly slurring her
words, while his friend was pretending to be attentive not to be a dick. It was at this point that I let my email
buddy in on my scheme and informed him about her and I's first
conversation. He laughed, told me I was
evil, and we proceeded to make our own commentary as to where we thought their
conversation was going. After about 15
minutes of chatting, I could tell that email buddy's friend was legitimately
ready to kill me, so I did what any normal person would do, and proceeded to
make the situation even more uncomfortable.
I proceeded to call over Linsey, which at this point she had forgotten
her cover because I called her fake name like 6 times with no response, so I
eventually went running over to her.
"How many polorids do you have left?" I asked her. "I have a few, why what's up? she
asked. I dragged her over to the couch
where the blonde and email buddies friend were.
"You guys seem to be really hitting it off here! How exciting!
This is my friend Linsey, and she is going to take a picture of the two
of you." As email buddies face
turned slightly red in hidden anger, he gritted his teeth, smiled, and like a
good sport complied as they swapped pictures and numbers. I had figured he had just given her a fake
number, considering the circumstances.
Finally blonde girl had to pee.
"I
don't know you, but I already know I don't like you." Email buddies friend
said to me. He then proceeded to recap
for us the conversation that they had, which spanned from her love of animals,
to her entire relationship history.
"So did you give her a fake number?" I asked. "No." He replied. Confused, I let it go hoping that blonde
would come back to continue my entertainment, however she did not.
It was
now 8:30 and 85% of the crowd was wasted. It appeared as if 50% of the drunken crowd
was socializing enough with each other, that potential dates (and or possibly
one night stands) were inevitable. The
Cougars were on full on prowl, the Manthers were a bit more submissive. Knowing that they really shouldn't tread in
younger territory, they pretty much kept to themselves and just maintained the
creepy, "I'm going to undress you with my eyes and that's it"
approach. Chuck at this point had met a different
blonde girl, who seemed to be a fan favorite.
She was dressed as if she was going to Bar Room, looked like she hadn't
eaten in about 3 weeks, and I'm going to go out on a limb here, but I'm going
to assume that the carpet didn't match the drapes. She seemed to be annoyed at something, maybe
that she was getting hit on a lot, because her demeanor with Chuck (who didn't
realize it at the time) seemed lacking any real interest other than the size of
his wallet. He did end up getting her
number, which I was extremely proud of him for.
We had made a pact earlier in the night that if we did not get at least
1 number from this event, that we would both just call it a life and self
proclaim ourselves as losers.
I got 2
numbers that night. One surprisingly
from my "neighbor" with the crazy eyed female friend, and my email
buddy of course.
Linsey
also did well, she ended up getting a number too, however, she did receive the
title of "Life of the Party" that evening. With us feeling good, confident and recapping
the nights events, we drove away from the event trying to absorb and remember
every little detail.
Would I
suggest a match.com subscriber to go to these events. Yes.
Should you expect to meet your soul mate? No. If anything, you are in an area with single
people, mingling, making friends, enemies and even a potential drunken hook ups
the night of. Either way, it's a meat
market free for all, and with the target on your back, you can either embrace
the situation and make the best of it, or you can get someone drunk and hope
they don't pull a coyote ugly on you in the morning.
-Keeping it real
Shelby
