Saturday
Night, Maria and I decided on a whim to venture out on the streets of the South
Side to engage in a live erotic burlesque show, followed by some adult
beverages. After sitting through the 2
hour long show expecting to feel a bit frisky, I actually walked out with my
brain being in a total mind fuck as to what I had just witnessed. Still trying to wrap our heads around what
the hell we had just paid $15 dollars for, we decided to stop at a couple of
bars, considering we hadn't been out in a while.
When we
arrived at the first bar around 11:30, like any typical South Side bar, it was
wall to wall people. As Maria and I
bought our first round, we surprisingly found a tiny area that allowed for some
sort of personal space which is a rarity considering the bars in the South Side
are so small that 50 people make it feel like you are in a mosh pit.
As we
sipped on our cherry vodka drinks, it felt as if we were in an alternate
universe. Its 11:45 on a Saturday Night,
and we are just starting to drink.
Normally by this time, one if not both of us has crossed the border from
buzzville to drunktown. As we began to
people watch, Maria and I noticed several things. The most apparent was that drunk people are
highly annoying when you are sober. As
we watched this spectacle of male and females, interacting with each other
using alcohol as an ice breaker, this blog was born.
When
you are single, regardless of your mood that day, every time you walk out the
door to go out, as a female you secretly
hope that you are going to meet someone that evening. Whether it's a hot drunken one night stand,
or a potential relationship, either way, it's like a cloud of unknown possibilities
hangs over you. There is however, that
very rare occurrence where you actually just want to go out with your friends
and have a good time, not looking for anything but bonding time. Normally, it is on these occasions that you
end up being freak flypaper, attracting the drunkest and most obnoxious person
in the bar, who just won't leave you alone.
With
the help of Maria, we have complied a list of things you should do in any given
social setting, in order to avoid any unwanted attention that may come your
way. This will allow you to take control
of any situation, and if played correctly, you will not be bothered by any
member of the opposite sex for one evening.
Part 1 - Ways to
"douche/cunt" proof yourself before leaving the house
Think
of this as a plan of action. You don't
want to be bothered. You haven't seen
your friends in a while, and you want to have their undivided uninterrupted
attention. Preparing yourself to be
ultimate penis/vagina repellant starts at home and follows you to the bar.
Step 1: Dress not to
impress
Its
very hard to not want to look good when going out, especially if going out is a
rare occurrence these days. As a human being,
if you look at yourself and think "damn I look good tonight" chances
are that feeling is going to radiate from your body. This is exactly what you don't want, if you
plan on not being bothered. Douchebags
and Bat Shit Crazies are as attracted to this as a coked out blonde in a flour
factory. I'm not saying go out looking
like a homeless person, I'm saying dumb yourself down. Don't put on that skanky dress that makes
your boobs look fabulous, or put that polo shirt that shows off your psychique. Wear something that either makes you not
stand out at all, or stand out to the point where people scoff at you. Pajamas are always my first option. My second choice is just not matching
whatsoever and appearing as if I am colorblind.
If you have the resources and knowing that you are going to a trendy
club/bar, dressing in all black works too (and by dressing in all black I do
not mean a dress for females, I'm talking black pants, black shirt, black shoes
with no patterns or any kind of skin showing whatsoever). In the winter, ski suits are a must
have. You may be hot as hell inside the
bar, however, looking like the child from "A Christmas Story" deters
anyone from seeing your actual psychiue, as well as creates a nice shock
absorber from when some asshole or cunt bumps in to you because they can't
drink, text and walk at the same time.
Step 2: Gas Up
If your
plans involve straight drinking, and no pre dinner activities, you have a great
advantage. Be sure, a couple hours
before you go out, to eat foods that you know will make you gassy. Know your limits though, stay away from
anything that could give you a case of volcano ass. You don't want to be shitting your brains out
in a public restroom because that takes away from your friend time. Nothing is worse than standing in a crowded
bar and someone rips ass. Where it is a
genius way to obtain some personal space, it also ensures that people will not
go around the area for about a 5 minute window.
Don't be coy and just bust ass everywhere . Crop dusting is the best method to get you
across a crowded room in record time. Some creeper dancing with you? No problem, you now have the ammunition to
make him go running for the hills, without any hurt feelings. Some annoying girl talking your ear off? See how quickly she stops talking when she
smells your new cologne "ode de ass".
You must take precaution and access the situation though. If someone is shitfaced wasted, you could
potentially start a chain reaction of vomiting, and ruining underwear is a lot
less costly as ruining your Walmart sponsored outfit. "What
about my friends?" you ask. Simple, you deny the hell out of it. Crowded rooms allow you to randomly point
your finger at a total stranger, to which good friends won't question.
Part 2: How to not act in public
In this
section you will learn methods that may draw attention to yourself, however it
is attention that will allow you to be left alone.
Step 3: Dance like everyone's watching
Your at
a club or bar with a makeshift jukebox or a Dj in a lone corner. All of a sudden, a great comes, and you just
want to shake it, but alone. As a
female, it is a golden rule to know 2 dances: the "I want to dry hump anyone
right now" dance and the "I'm still a virgin" dance. As a male, the 2 dances to know are:
"The Motion of the Ocean" and "I Have an Uncontrollable Nervous Twitch." Some
people think that the way you dance is a mirror image, reflecting what you
would be like in bed. The key to being
left alone is to appear that you are a terrible lay with no rhythm or concept
of how to move your hips. I am a huge
fan of repelling the opposite sex by doing several old school moves: The
Carlton, Sprinkler, Pinocchio, Running
Man, Lawn Mower, and my very own signature move "The Quagmire." I have found that by doing these moves,
rather than men licking their lips with naughty thoughts running through their
minds, they actually scratch their heads, thinking What....The...Fuck...and
move on to either one of my friends, or another group of unsuspecting
women.
Normally
in most cases, it is the men that approach the women when it comes to dancing,
however in rare instances a sloppy drunk girl will head your way and try to do
her best to gyrate on you. This is where
you observe who her sober friend is and hope that she is the designated
babysitter of the evening. If she
approaches you from the front, instantly try to get a boner. Do whatever you need to do and think about
whatever you can to get it up. From
there start poking her with it, but not in her vagina area. Poke her in the leg, stomach (depending on
height), but most importantly I repeat not near her vag. Next you need to put on your "O"
face. Make it aware to her friend that,
"Yes this is the face you make in bed, and it's not something even a
mother could love." Not only will
you look as if you have no rhythm what so ever, similar to that of a man that
has never been touched, but you will surely get the attention of the sober
friend, who will pull her away instantly, preventing her from a terrible drunk
decision.
Step 4: Got an Itch?
This tactic
takes a skilled professional to pull off because most of the time a fictitious
story needs to involved. This can be
used when an unwanted conversation arises and you don't have an exit
strategy. Picture this scenario: You are engaging in conversation with your
friends, when you get interrupted by a drunk member of the opposite sex. Irritated and annoyed because you just want to have some
"bonding" time, you realize that this relentless person will not give
up without a fight. The first step in
this ruse is always the hardest, engage in a useless conversation. Get about 30 seconds in, and squirm lightly,
but not too much. At the one minute
point, while still staring in to their eyes, give your neither region a slight
rub, but in quick manner. The key is to
make sure they have noticed. For men
this is easy because they scratch their balls all the time, like clockwork
without even realizing it. For women it
is a bit trickier. If you are male, you
got this. Remain to engage in the conversation,
but start to scratch more and more during the convo. For most women, this won't seem out of the
ordinary, especially if they are really the baseball fan they "claim"
to be. If you are a female and doing
this, you need to be more coy. Make it
appear as if you have just shaved and the hair is growing back. This is where you have your out and have one
of 2 options. You can either end the conversation right there by: excusing
yourself from the conversation, stating that something is not right and you
must go to the bathroom. If the person
you are trying to get rid of asks if you are ok, this is where the fun comes in
and you can make up an elaborate story as to why you are scratching yourself. You can always take the STD route which is
pretty much sure thing, however, if you want to have fun with it, you have the
creative freedom to make up anything you want.
Itching yourself in public may be a social "no, no" however it
is recognized as the "international symbol for inappropriateness"
making you less appealing to everyone.
Step 5: Quack Quack (for women)
Apparently
there is an underground association of women traders who have prevented the
memo about "duck" faces from reaching most girls ages 21-27. I'm thinking about pitching this conspiracy theory
to Hollywood with the hopes of it turning in to a Blockbuster sensation. It's amazing that most women bitch about a
man's unwillingness to communicate feelings, yet men have made it very clear on
how stupid, childish and ugly women look when they make this face, yet there
are a lot of women out there that insist on doing it because its
"cute." It's not fucking cute. It doesn't make you more gangster, and it
doesn't make you look pouty, it makes you look like a new breed of animal that
is the main event at a freak show.
With
all that being said, what a great way to repel penis then by doing this constantly,
for hours while you are out? No guy
wants to look at a girl that looks like the angry spawn of Daisy Duck and Nemo
the Fish. For most of the women out
there, the amount that you do this already has given you an unfair advantage to
remain in this position for longer.
While writing this section, I have been building up my stamina, only
find out that in 2 minutes flat my top lip is already cramping. As I wipe the drool off my lower lip, due to
the inability to feel it at the moment because it is numb, it has dawned on me how well this tactic does
in fact work. In 2 minutes of me experimenting with this, I actually began to
become hungry for some bread. Where I will always be an advocate for
singles, regardless of my relationship status, I think I just discovered the
correlation between female duck faces and single people. Until you stop the duck faces, you will be single, so in theory save yourself
the $35 bucks for a dating website and just give it to me.
Step 6: Be entirely unapproachable
I used
to hear this a lot from my friends. "You
need to make yourself approachable"
they would say. When I would
question them as to how I do this, a variety of thoughts came to mind. Shall I wear a shirt that says, "Yeah,
I'm that girl from that dating website, I ignored you online but come talk to
me now."? Should I walk in to a
room full of crowded people and do a choreographed dance sponsored by Paula
Adbul holding a sign that says
"Free for the Taking"? Or
better yet, how about I just make shoot a personals ad, buy local cable spots
and run it on Comcast, announcing to the world "Hey Come Approach Me."
Its extremely
easy to be unapproachable, considering I had mastered that when I was
single. Half the time, you don't even
realize you are doing it. It's as simple
as being on your phone all night, not making any eye contact with a single
person, and even going apeshit on someone when they move past you and touch
either on purpose or on accident. These
can be fun ways to repell anyone, considering you appear to be preoccupied. Throwing in cursing like a truck driver,
speaking in a language that you made up on the spot, and being super loud and obnoxious
and you have a recipe for a unbothered night!
With all this being said, it has been a privilege sharing
with you my tips and secrets on how to repell people. It's great for those nights where you want to
be the cat, and not the litterbox that the ghost of annoyance shits in.
Keeping it Real -
Shelby
Special Thanks to Maria for helping compile the list
