I
remember 15 years ago, asking, well begging my mom if I could stay up past my
bed time to watch the most epic show of the year, the VMA's. Even when she would tell me no, I would still
stay up anyways, because not only was it a big deal to me from a singing stand
point, but it was also during a time where a music video was actually part of
regular programming. There was no Jersey
shore bullshit, or hard core reality TV clogging the airwaves of MTV, it was
Live at 5 with Carson Daily, and the Real World/Road Rules and of course Beavis
and Butthead.
Back then, it was an awards show, but there
was validity behind it. The awards were
for videos that were actually played on MTV, that I had seen, not videos that I
had to go searching Youtube for to see if they even existed. I really feel very sorry for generation Z and
older, because when it comes to music, it can turn in to a heated argument with
me, but at least I will have the ability to tell future generations that I grew
up in a time that when an artist collabrated on a song with another artist,
they actually sung lyrics and was a part of the song, and how we can thank
Britney Spears and Will.I.am for screwing the pooch on that era.
When I
heard that Nsync would be on stage, together, live for the first time in years
performing on the VMA's the 17 year old in me screamed like a little bitch. Nsync and I shared many memories. Back in the days of late High School/Early College
when I didn't have many bills to pay, or a real job that required me to be
responsible, it was just friends, clubbin, boys and not a care in the
world. Justin Timberlake's curly hair
set the basis for what I thought my future husband should look like, his dance
moves were the basis of what I would think about when I would buzz away, and
his voice was that of an angel that got me through many heartbreaks and rough
times. Part of me cried when Britney and
him broke up, the other half of me dreamed of our wedding, future and what our
curly hair kids would be named. If it
was a girl, it was going to be Ariel of course, if it was a boy, it would be
Justin Jr. I instantly became a non fan
of Jessica Biel when they began dating, only to ride the emotional roller
coaster of their foreverly long seeming courtship of breaking up and getting
back together, so me, instinctively hating her, then liking her again, over and
over again, only to eventually ultimately hate her for being able to finally
get the wedding I had already had planned for years with him.
With
all of the history that him and I have together in my own head, I felt it necessary
that I do in fact watch simply to support him, because I don't care if I'm wife
#2 or #20, this is one dream that I
will not give up on.
And now
we begin...
Opening
up with Lady Gaga seemed reasonable, I mean I expect nothing less than abnormal,
weird, and some sort of artistic expression that I don't get or understand with
her. I saw her in concert a couple of
years ago at the Consol, and Gaga is phenomenal live. I don't really get the whole meat suit,
arriving in an egg, lots of feathers and glitter thing, but whatever, she has a
great voice; so when she opened her act with a huge box on her head, it was
really no surprise whatsoever. Instinctively
my mind went to puns like "Oh Gaga your such a block head" or
"Oh are you quitting singing to become a boxer" things that like just
to get me through the performance. As
always half naked with a banging body, Gaga put on a great show. I'm not really sold on the new song just yet,
however, I guess one thing that I wasn't prepared for was that that Lady Gaga's opening performance was more
normal of a performance than what I was about to witness next....Starting a
show with Gaga, I should of thought it would just set the tone for weird all
together.
The
next thing I witness literally left me dumbfounded. First I see life size teddy bears, which is
pretty exciting, I mean who doesn't think life sized teddy bears are cool? Hell even the move "Ted" made mid
sized teddy bears cool again...But then out of nowhere pops Miley Cyrus walking out of this staged entrance like a
cat. Ok now I'm confused, you have bears
on your body suit, but you are walking like a cat...are you a culturally
confused animal? I know there is such
thing as "Manbearpig" thanks to South Park, but BearCat? Not really sure. Are you tripping your non-existent balls
off? Because I feel like the lights are on
but no one is home, or your stylist absolutely hates you. You bitch and moan about how you don't want
to be recognized as "Hanna Montana" but yet you run around with teddy
bears on your mosquito bites and a see through bodysuit looking like a stick
figure version of that weird chick in high school that you knew did a lot of
drugs but you just let her go because she looked happy in "her
world." Even so, I don't remember that weird chick in high school getting
so messed up that she felt the need to hump air as much as you did this evening
Ms. Cyrus. Never in my life have I ever
just wanted to have Carrot Top run on stage with one of his "novelty"
comedic items such as a stripper pole, and plop it down right in front of you
so that rather than looking like you are a drunk version of Quagmire from
Family Guy, your stage presence and gyrating motion would actually have a
purpose.
Just
when I thought it couldn't get any weirder, next walks out Robin Thicke, who I
have always thought of as Jason Seaver from growing pains , "laid back,
let's make easy listening tolerable again artist" son to Oh shit, who is
the dumbass in the crowd that said his name 3 times....Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice,
Beetlejuice. I'm sure Michael Keaton
would be proud and all, but now there is way to much messed up shit going
on...I've got Miley on the left still dry humping air, but now in an even
skankier outfit, with a huge foam finger? and I've got Robin Thicke trying to seduce
me with his music, but all I keep thinking about is his head shrinking at an
after party later when he pisses off some half naked shaman.
I felt
as if at this point that I was just being too critical and that maybe I had
become some sort of snob at my age? I mean I am 30, only watching an awards show
to watch a band that half the people currently watching were probably like 5
when they were huge and don't appreciate what it means to be witnessing it. After reading my Facebook newsfeed, I'm so
glad to discover that I am not the only one that thought that entire
performance was just ruined by Miley's total weirdness. What happened to the girl that sang the fan
favorite "Party in the USA?" I'm starting to think that she found a great
party somewhere in the USA, with the best drugs in the USA, and clearly no
mirrors either. I'm a firm believer that
you should be someone that your parents would be proud of, leaving me on
question: Has Miley finally broken Billy Ray's achy breaky heart? I just don't think she understands....Please
find yourself soon Miley, and by that I mean a mirror, a wig, and an identity
that doesn't resemble that of a girl that's stage name is "Candi"
with an "I"
The
fact that they use Kevin Hart as a filler between sets is cool. I have always been a fan of his bluntness,
and willingness to call people out. You
could tell that he was really reaching for jokes tonight. I think he forgot that Selena Gomez is now
old enough to drink, as is Taylor Swift, so I'm sure that him pretty much
calling them "children" on the VMA's will cause Taylor to write 6
more albums because yet again, a boy was mean to her. It had to be awkward for Selena to go up on
stage with One Direction, considering her best friend wrote like 7 songs about one
of the band members and made fun of him at like 2 award shows ago. Whats that expression don't shit where you
eat?
Jared
Leto, my goodness. You are so insanely
hot, yet you felt the need to dress up like an underachieving Jedi
tonight...Why?! Are you intentionally
giving a subliminal message to George Lucas that you want to give up your
singing career and be cast in the new "Star Wars?" Where you could totally pull off being Hans
Solo's son, which I'm totally all for, there is really no need to give us a
preview at the VMAs. If you really
wanted to fit in, go sit next to those people that are wearing helmets in Pharells entourage, at least that way you can
begin to assemble your army to take down what I'm sure will be some sort of
enemy that survived the Death Star explosion.
Kayne,
oh man, what has parent hood done to you.
Yes you get to bone and procreate with a woman who half the population
loves and the rest love to hate, and your child is already going to be
ridiculed because of the dumbest name that you gave it, however what I don't
understand is when your career went from being a bad ass rapper who was a total
douche, to a poppy rapper who doesn't even rap anymore but uses a synthesizer
and literally just jumps up and down in the dark...The entire time all I could
think was...Ok if a tree falls in the woods, does Kayne loose his power source
to make his voice sound like George Clinton?
And if he did, would anyone care that did start as a rapper, and not
just 1/2 of Kimyae?
I mean come on, did all these performers secretly
make a bet with one another to see who could be the most talked about this
evening? You always expect something
different with the VMA's, I mean I remember when Britney/Christina and Madonna
Kissed, which back then was epic, but have I become lame at 30? Because if this is a taste of what the future
of music is, I'm seriously worried. It's
really bad when a condom commercial is more entertainment than the actual
show.
I can't
believe Mackelmore beat out the entire Hip Hop Squad of seasoned rappers and 1
newbie. When they panned on Drake, I had
a moment where I feel like I stepped in to his head, and could hear him
planning on how he was going to intentionally start a new war with him. For being new to the scene, Macklemore was a
bit preachy. It's ok to be proud, I mean
he won his first award, but when he started trying to preach about equality and
all that bs, you could literally feel, all the way from New York, every hard
core rapper in the room roll either eyes at this guy, and also plan their
takedowns. I give the guy credit and
all, but I see trouble, not only with his hairstyle, but also with street cred.
Finally,
the Justin Medley is upon us...In the first 5 minutes I was able to revisit the
late days of High School, followed by college days, "Rock Your Body"
was like me and my friend Jay's summer college anthem, followed by all of the
greats. Even 15 years later, JT still
has the moves of someone you just want to go all "Miley Cyrus Air Hump"
(<----- IF THIS CATCHES, I GET
CREDIT) on, except without clothes, and not even in a rhythmic manner, just
literally hump his leg or any part of his body... and then the time comes and
the whole gang is back together. I've
seen Backstreet Boys and New Kids in concert, and where I was more impressed
with New Kids, boy does Nsync still go it.
I was slightly disappointed when they panned to One Direction and they
didn't seemed enthused. I caught myself screaming at the TV,
"Don't be wankers, if it weren't for them, you wouldn't be One Direction,
you'd be directing Traffic leading to a single direction, the Autobond, you
selfish twitts."
As I
sat in bed, dancing and reliving the good times, I could only imagine as to
what my new neighbors next door thought.
As I was singing at the top of my lungs, pretty much jumping up and down
on my bed like I had just hit the lottery and reliving the dance moves that I
used to bust out at clubs like local Pittsburgh Gem: Club Zoo, Jetz and even
Coconuts...Will I attend this concert if they come to Pittsburgh? Absolfuckingloutley. Will I pull a Miley Cyrus Air Hump, during
the performance, you bet your ass I will... Can I go back in time and relive
those years? Unfortunately not... but I
will tell you one thing, I cannot get the last 2.5 hours of my life back, which
makes me a bit sad, however I do know that if Nsync can still rock it out, then
there is still a small hope for the future of music....
Keeping it real..
Shelby
