VMAs - I Had To...

                I remember 15 years ago, asking, well begging my mom if I could stay up past my bed time to watch the most epic show of the year, the VMA's.  Even when she would tell me no, I would still stay up anyways, because not only was it a big deal to me from a singing stand point, but it was also during a time where a music video was actually part of regular programming.  There was no Jersey shore bullshit, or hard core reality TV clogging the airwaves of MTV, it was Live at 5 with Carson Daily, and the Real World/Road Rules and of course Beavis and Butthead. 

                  Back then, it was an awards show, but there was validity behind it.  The awards were for videos that were actually played on MTV, that I had seen, not videos that I had to go searching Youtube for to see if they even existed.  I really feel very sorry for generation Z and older, because when it comes to music, it can turn in to a heated argument with me, but at least I will have the ability to tell future generations that I grew up in a time that when an artist collabrated on a song with another artist, they actually sung lyrics and was a part of the song, and how we can thank Britney Spears and Will.I.am for screwing the pooch on that era.

                When I heard that Nsync would be on stage, together, live for the first time in years performing on the VMA's the 17 year old in me screamed like a little bitch.  Nsync and I shared many memories.  Back in the days of late High School/Early College when I didn't have many bills to pay, or a real job that required me to be responsible, it was just friends, clubbin, boys and not a care in the world.  Justin Timberlake's curly hair set the basis for what I thought my future husband should look like, his dance moves were the basis of what I would think about when I would buzz away, and his voice was that of an angel that got me through many heartbreaks and rough times.  Part of me cried when Britney and him broke up, the other half of me dreamed of our wedding, future and what our curly hair kids would be named.  If it was a girl, it was going to be Ariel of course, if it was a boy, it would be Justin Jr.  I instantly became a non fan of Jessica Biel when they began dating, only to ride the emotional roller coaster of their foreverly long seeming courtship of breaking up and getting back together, so me, instinctively hating her, then liking her again, over and over again, only to eventually ultimately hate her for being able to finally get the wedding I had already had planned for years with him. 

                With all of the history that him and I have together in my own head, I felt it necessary that I do in fact watch simply to support him, because I don't care if I'm wife #2 or #20,   this is one dream that I will not give up on. 

                And now we begin...

                Opening up with Lady Gaga seemed reasonable, I mean I expect nothing less than abnormal, weird, and some sort of artistic expression that I don't get or understand with her.  I saw her in concert a couple of years ago at the Consol, and Gaga is phenomenal live.  I don't really get the whole meat suit, arriving in an egg, lots of feathers and glitter thing, but whatever, she has a great voice; so when she opened her act with a huge box on her head, it was really no surprise whatsoever.  Instinctively my mind went to puns like "Oh Gaga your such a block head" or "Oh are you quitting singing to become a boxer" things that like just to get me through the performance.  As always half naked with a banging body, Gaga put on a great show.  I'm not really sold on the new song just yet, however, I guess one thing that I wasn't prepared for was that  that Lady Gaga's opening performance was more normal of a performance than what I was about to witness next....Starting a show with Gaga, I should of thought it would just set the tone for weird all together.

                The next thing I witness literally left me dumbfounded.  First I see life size teddy bears, which is pretty exciting, I mean who doesn't think life sized teddy bears are cool?  Hell even the move "Ted" made mid sized teddy bears cool again...But then out of nowhere pops Miley Cyrus  walking out of this staged entrance like a cat.  Ok now I'm confused, you have bears on your body suit, but you are walking like a cat...are you a culturally confused animal?  I know there is such thing as "Manbearpig" thanks to South Park, but BearCat?  Not really sure.  Are you tripping your non-existent balls off?  Because I feel like the lights are on but no one is home, or your stylist absolutely hates you.  You bitch and moan about how you don't want to be recognized as "Hanna Montana" but yet you run around with teddy bears on your mosquito bites and a see through bodysuit looking like a stick figure version of that weird chick in high school that you knew did a lot of drugs but you just let her go because she looked happy in "her world." Even so, I don't remember that weird chick in high school getting so messed up that she felt the need to hump air as much as you did this evening Ms. Cyrus.  Never in my life have I ever just wanted to have Carrot Top run on stage with one of his "novelty" comedic items such as a stripper pole, and plop it down right in front of you so that rather than looking like you are a drunk version of Quagmire from Family Guy, your stage presence and gyrating motion would actually have a purpose. 

                Just when I thought it couldn't get any weirder, next walks out Robin Thicke, who I have always thought of as Jason Seaver from growing pains , "laid back, let's make easy listening tolerable again artist" son to Oh shit, who is the dumbass in the crowd that said his name 3 times....Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice.  I'm sure Michael Keaton would be proud and all, but now there is way to much messed up shit going on...I've got Miley on the left still dry humping air, but now in an even skankier outfit, with a huge foam finger? and I've got Robin Thicke trying to seduce me with his music, but all I keep thinking about is his head shrinking at an after party later when he pisses off some half naked shaman. 

                I felt as if at this point that I was just being too critical and that maybe I had become some sort of snob at my age?   I mean I am 30, only watching an awards show to watch a band that half the people currently watching were probably like 5 when they were huge and don't appreciate what it means to be witnessing it.  After reading my Facebook newsfeed, I'm so glad to discover that I am not the only one that thought that entire performance was just ruined by Miley's total weirdness.  What happened to the girl that sang the fan favorite "Party in the USA?"  I'm starting to think that she found a great party somewhere in the USA, with the best drugs in the USA, and clearly no mirrors either.  I'm a firm believer that you should be someone that your parents would be proud of, leaving me on question: Has Miley finally broken Billy Ray's achy breaky heart?  I just don't think she understands....Please find yourself soon Miley, and by that I mean a mirror, a wig, and an identity that doesn't resemble that of a girl that's stage name is "Candi" with an "I"

                The fact that they use Kevin Hart as a filler between sets is cool.  I have always been a fan of his bluntness, and willingness to call people out.  You could tell that he was really reaching for jokes tonight.  I think he forgot that Selena Gomez is now old enough to drink, as is Taylor Swift, so I'm sure that him pretty much calling them "children" on the VMA's will cause Taylor to write 6 more albums because yet again, a boy was mean to her.  It had to be awkward for Selena to go up on stage with One Direction, considering  her best friend wrote like 7 songs about one of the band members and made fun of him at like 2 award shows ago.  Whats that expression don't shit where you eat? 

                Jared Leto, my goodness.  You are so insanely hot, yet you felt the need to dress up like an underachieving Jedi tonight...Why?!  Are you intentionally giving a subliminal message to George Lucas that you want to give up your singing career and be cast in the new "Star Wars?"  Where you could totally pull off being Hans Solo's son, which I'm totally all for, there is really no need to give us a preview at the VMAs.  If you really wanted to fit in, go sit next to those people that are wearing helmets in  Pharells entourage, at least that way you can begin to assemble your army to take down what I'm sure will be some sort of enemy that survived the Death Star explosion.

                Kayne, oh man, what has parent hood done to you.   Yes you get to bone and procreate with a woman who half the population loves and the rest love to hate, and your child is already going to be ridiculed because of the dumbest name that you gave it, however what I don't understand is when your career went from being a bad ass rapper who was a total douche, to a poppy rapper who doesn't even rap anymore but uses a synthesizer and literally just jumps up and down in the dark...The entire time all I could think was...Ok if a tree falls in the woods, does Kayne loose his power source to make his voice sound like George Clinton?  And if he did, would anyone care that did start as a rapper, and not just 1/2 of Kimyae?

                 I mean come on, did all these performers secretly make a bet with one another to see who could be the most talked about this evening?  You always expect something different with the VMA's, I mean I remember when Britney/Christina and Madonna Kissed, which back then was epic, but have I become lame at 30?  Because if this is a taste of what the future of music is, I'm seriously worried.  It's really bad when a condom commercial is more entertainment than the actual show. 

                I can't believe Mackelmore beat out the entire Hip Hop Squad of seasoned rappers and 1 newbie.  When they panned on Drake, I had a moment where I feel like I stepped in to his head, and could hear him planning on how he was going to intentionally start a new war with him.  For being new to the scene, Macklemore was a bit preachy.  It's ok to be proud, I mean he won his first award, but when he started trying to preach about equality and all that bs, you could literally feel, all the way from New York, every hard core rapper in the room roll either eyes at this guy, and also plan their takedowns.  I give the guy credit and all, but I see trouble, not only with his hairstyle, but also with street cred.

               

                Finally, the Justin Medley is upon us...In the first 5 minutes I was able to revisit the late days of High School, followed by college days, "Rock Your Body" was like me and my friend Jay's summer college anthem, followed by all of the greats.  Even 15 years later, JT still has the moves of someone you just want to go all "Miley Cyrus Air Hump"  (<----- IF THIS CATCHES, I GET CREDIT) on, except without clothes, and not even in a rhythmic manner, just literally hump his leg or any part of his body... and then the time comes and the whole gang is back together.  I've seen Backstreet Boys and New Kids in concert, and where I was more impressed with New Kids, boy does Nsync still go it.  I was slightly disappointed when they panned to One Direction and they didn't seemed enthused.   I caught myself screaming at the TV, "Don't be wankers, if it weren't for them, you wouldn't be One Direction, you'd be directing Traffic leading to a single direction, the Autobond, you selfish twitts." 

                As I sat in bed, dancing and reliving the good times, I could only imagine as to what my new neighbors next door thought.  As I was singing at the top of my lungs, pretty much jumping up and down on my bed like I had just hit the lottery and reliving the dance moves that I used to bust out at clubs like local Pittsburgh Gem: Club Zoo, Jetz and even Coconuts...Will I attend this concert if they come to Pittsburgh?  Absolfuckingloutley.  Will I pull a Miley Cyrus Air Hump, during the performance, you bet your ass I will... Can I go back in time and relive those years?  Unfortunately not... but I will tell you one thing, I cannot get the last 2.5 hours of my life back, which makes me a bit sad, however I do know that if Nsync can still rock it out, then there is still a small hope for the future of music....

Keeping it real..

Shelby