Ironically I know I said I was going to take a break from
this, but there were just a series of hilarious unfortunate events that have
occurred in the past couple of weeks that are absolutely blog worthy and needed
to be shared.
Now
before all you “nice guys” start crying and need to change your tampons about
how bias this blog post is going to be please note that: I am not saying that all men are this
tooltastic. Yes, I know there are nice
guys out there and no I don’t know why they get overlooked, these are just
unfortunate examples of your kind that give you a bad rap. If you have your own horror stores to share
about women that you have encountered via online dating, I encourage you to get
a hold of me so that I can share it with the rest of the world. PLEASE, I’m begging you to share, so that I
can stop listening to the whining of men that think I’m bias in the blog. Show me that us women are just as dirty,
scandalous and skeezy!
One of
the greatest things about hanging out with other single women, is that chances
are now a days you and at least one of your friends are on the same dating
website. In my case I have 4 female
friends that also use POF (3 of which I actually met on POF via hosting events) so it’s nice to have people to compare horror
stories with. My friends and I have a
great system of cross referencing (up until I hid my profile). When we got a guy that we were considering
going out with or talking to, we would send their profile to get their
opinion. It was at that point we could
determine if any of us had previously chatted/gone out with that guy. It was almost as if we were generating our
own background checks for online dating and it worked out in our favor for a
while, until unfortunately one slipped through the cracks.
The Blasian Asian
I have
nothing against men of Asian descent by any means necessary, I just have never
really found them to be my cup of tea. I
have always leaned towards the tall, dark and handsome Greek/Italian looking
boys. Occasionally a Serbian or Pollock
gets thrown in to that equation, however I have really only a couple of times
ventured into the blonde realms.
I
remembered on both accounts getting messaged by this guy who was half Asian,
and you could tell simply because he had some of the facial characteristics as well
as “woo” in his profile name. I simply
just did what most of the bitchy women on any dating website do when they are
not interested in someone, and just ignore them completely.
I
remembered this one in particular because he fell in to my own created category
of “Having a conversation with yourself” (he had messaged me multiple times to
which I had never responded, so in theory he was pretty much having a
conversation with himself.
So I
get a text from one of my friends who tells me that she has a date with this
guy from POF and she will keep me in the loop as to how it goes. At this point, I didn’t even think to ask who
he was and look up his name because the date was already happening with her,
and the thought didn’t really cross my mind, because she was really good at
“screening” people. So when she came
back and told me that the date was a disaster, of course I wanted every little
detail as to what happened. She
described him as being great on paper: an American/Asian male who looked just
like his profile pics, he was attractive (to her) in person, had a good job, no
children, lived on his own and seemed like a stand-up guy. Apparently when he opened his mouth is when
things started going downhill. They were
at Dave and Busters walking around the game room and approached a Zombie
Shooter Game. The game had a warning
advising pregnant women not play, to which he tried to be funny and made a
comment about how she shouldn’t play the game then… The first time it happened, she thought it
was a little weird, but laughed it off (can I mention that I give my friend a
lot of credit for not crushing his adams apple with her bare hands?) but apparently the “jokes” kept coming…and
after about the 5th or 6th pregnancy joke, my friend said
something to him about it, to which he backed off, but really, I don’t think anyone could of dug themselves
out of that hole.
After
she gave me this recap I asked her if she was going out with him again, to
which she responded “Probably not”. I
was shocked that there was even a “probably” in front of the not part, however
again, she has exceptional patience and a higher threshold for BS than I
do. Life went on as usual.
Her and
I got together over that next weekend and went to watch a friend of ours band
perform at a local dive bar in the area.
Since we have become pretty close in the last couple of months, our
filter levels about conversational topics have become non-existent, and a
reoccurring conversation starter with her lately has been, “So I have a POF
date this week.” Thinking nothing of it,
I ask the normal basics, Who, what, what, where and when and to my surprise she
tells me that she is going out with the Asian guy again. “The one that made the pregnancy jokes? Several times? That one?” I said to her with a confused look
on my face, to which she replied, “Yes, that one. I talked to him after and he said that he was
very nervous and apologized and wanted to go out again.”
It was
mid week and she texts me to tell me that the date went better this time around
and she thought maybe she was really starting to like him. Happy for her, I asked her to send me his
screen name, I wanted to check this guy out for myself. To my surprise, I knew who he was,
considering he was Mr. “Let’s have a conversation with myself.” I chuckled and told her that he had messaged
me before, but what I didn’t realize that he had ironically actually sent me a
message while her and I had been together that past weekend. Being the message was sent between the disaster
date and their second date, she really wasn’t upset or anything, I mean online
dating has become so “On to the next one” that there really is no territorial
right until it is discussed.
Then
Friday Night happened. Another friend
and I were having a girls night slumber party, when I got a random text from
the girl that had gone out with the Asian.
Apparently the Blazin Asian went stage 5 clinger on her in the course of
2 days. Not only did he want to skip
over the dating part and become an official couple (after 2 dates), he also
wanted the two of them to move in together because he wanted to buy a house and
didn’t want to do it until he was in a relationship She had mentioned they were going out again
over the weekend, to which I told her she will probably get a proposal, and
started considering what color the bridesmaid dresses would be. My advice to her was to run away as fast as
she possibly could and not go out with him again. I also said he needs to know his roll and
slow the fuck down. What made this even
more interesting was when I showed my friend who’s house I was staying at his
picture, she also confirmed that he had messaged her before as well. So it was decided at this point that either
he was 1. Extremely desperate for any kind of human interaction 2. A total douchebag POF “player” who was doing a terrible job at
it or 3. Had the worst ironic luck in Online Dating history . The friend that had gone out with him assured
me that she had the situation handled and we moved on from the convo. That next night turned in to a random girls
night and she informed me that they hadn’t spoken since the previous night and
decided that she was more than likely going to move “on to the next one.”
At 7:45
on Sunday AM apparently our 4th friend who we hadn’t seen in a while
sent a mass text to everyone but my friend who had dated the Blazin Asian,
about an encounter she had with a creepy guy on POF on Saturday night warning
us not to talk to him if he messages us because he was asking her to send him
“inappropriate” pictures. Out of the
thousands of men on this website living in the Tri-state area…I’m reading her
text and the screename she sent is the Blazin Asian’s. I seriously cannot even make this up if I
tried. Within 2 weeks, one guy had
messaged all 4 of us within a 2 week window online, on Friday night he is
professed his undying love for the girl he went out with twice and then turned
around on Saturday and asked another friend of mine for naked pictures.
Wrapping
my head around this hilarious situation, I do feel bad for my friend who
actually went out with this douchewad.
This guy is defiantly dirty.com worthy.
Being that the 4 of us look completely different (Hair, body types,
ethic backgrounds), it is clear that this guy is not by any means
“nondiscriminatory” he is truly is
terrible example for men anywhere. We
are smart enough to know that not all men are this scurvy, however ladies of
Pittsburgh, please be on the lookout on POF for an Asian man with “Woo” in his
name, he will literally love you long time, which in his mind is only for 48
hours.
Your Hair Smells Pretty
In
addition to an eventful girls night while discovering that the Blazin Asian was
the World’s Worst online dater, one of my friends encountered the world’s
“Worst way to pick up a sober girl”
It was
around midnight and me the girls decided to leave the bar that we had met at,
and headed to another trendy place not too far away. For whatever reason, it was not a happening
night in the Robinson area, most of the bars were dead, so we found ourselves
at a desolate Robinson bar at 12:30 on a Saturday night. Being that we each had driven separately, we
were not drinking, so we pretty much just went to our final destination to
people watch and prove a point to ourselves that we were not old and could
still stay out till 2 am.
When we
walked in the door it wasn’t wall to
wall people, but a nice mix of 20 somethings – up to 50 somethings. We made our way to the corner of the bar
where one of the girls I was with was meeting up with some people she knew, so
when we spotted them, we had a group of about 6 of us. As we observed the dance floor, it was a very
different extreme. The dance floor had 2
age groups, 1. “I’m a 21 year old drunk girl I don’t give a fuck” and 2. “I’m a
40 year old drunk man alone at the bar about to channel my inner
quagmire.”
As we
watched this older gentleman prey on these young girls, his approach was really
weak. I believe he had drank himself in
to social awkwardness. He was “that guy” that stand really
close to a girl on the dance floor but doesn’t dance, just stares and
hovers? Yeah..that. So as we watched every 21 year old on the dance floor who had
a sober enough friend to know better drag her drunk friend away from him,
eventually the dance floor became empty.
As all of this was going on to the right of us, to the left side we had
one of our friends hitting on a married cougar who’s husband was literally
sitting next to her.
This
woman knew exactly what she was doing, and it was questionable that this couple
may have been swingers. She looked 35,
but you knew she was older. She was
wearing a body hugging white dress and had moves that would make Miley Cyrus
put her damn tongue back in her mouth.
She was hot and knew it, and worked pretty much every guy in the room
with her eyes. She is a vision of what I
hope to look like in 20+ years.
When
the cougar was done dancing, she began chatting up our friend “Jersey”. He was a friend of our friends who was a
displaced Jersey guy and absolutely gorgeous.
All three of us girls were trying
desperately to keep his attention, and where it worked for a while, he would
eventually divert conversation back to the cougar, so eventually we realized
that he didn’t care that 3 single women were drooling over him and vying for
his attention and just gave up and let the cougar win.
As we
stood there and watched our hearts sank as he started flirting with the cougar,
I had noticed out of the corner of my eye the drunk guy from the dance floor
hovering behind us. I knew what was
going to happen next, it was just a question as to which one of us was going to
get victimized. As I watched him stare
and observe, I warned my friend to the right of me and shifted that way hoping
that I would be out of the line of sight…and that’s when it happened.
Let me
paint you a picture and put yourself in to my friends shoes. You are leaning against a bar facing the bartenders,
trying to get their attention for a drink.
The next thing you know, you feel a body press up against you from
behind (like no space between you whatsoever), and hear a guy whisper in your
ear as his Miller Light breath breezes across your cheek “Hi There”. This guy broke every personal space rule
every known to man. Creeped out, my
friend lied, grabbed a male friend that was with us, and lied her ass off about
him being her boyfriend. Did that stop
him? Not at all…he kept talking to her. After a very brief conversation, he moved
back in to his space behind us, and yet again observed who his next victim
would be. Approximately less than 3
minutes later, he did the same approach to our other friend…who was standing
right next to the girl he had previously hit on. He went nose to ear and body to body with her
and I lost it. My poor friend was
terrified, so we grabbed her and went to the dance floor, but unfortunately…he
followed. So here we are, feeling like
we are 25 again doing scare tactics to make guys go away. (Dancing with each other, doing very dorky
moves and rotating positions almost like playing musical creeper). Nothing was working…he stood there and just
stared at her like he was going to tie her up in a basement. Somewhere out there, someone was looking out
for her. As we ran away, a bouncer
grabbed him and kicked him out. I didn’t
think you could kick someone out of a bar for being “creepy” but apparently
this guy did.
So I’m
sure you’re wondering about the cougar and her husband? We after she lost interest in Jersey, her
husband went to the bathroom, and she had already moved on to another guy who
happened to be sitting on the other side of her. So to paint you a picture it went
X X X
Other
Guy Cougar Cougars Husband
While her husband was in the
bathroom, her and her new friend engaged in a very flirty conversation that
landed the guy having his hand on the small of her back. It was funny how once her husband turned the
corner and was in the line of sight again, his hand disappeared back to his own
area? Weird. How is it that I can’t even get a second date
with a guy, but this bitch has 3 guys stumbling over her engaging in some sort
of weird live episode of “Desperate Housewives of Robinson?”
As we all left, Jersey decided to
give one last stitch effort in whatever game she was playing. We gave him the 5 minute friend rule (where
you wait outside for 5 minutes and if they don’t show up they are on their
own). He never came out. We are not sure what happened to him, if he
made it out alive or if the cougar ripped him to shreds. So I shall dedicate the ending of this blog
to our new friend Jersey – the guy that chose to go for a 3 way with a cougar
and her husband vs. his choice of 3 single ladies that are all tigers in the
sack. Hope to see you in the jungle
again someday!
Keeping it real –Shelby
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