A
couple of Wednesday’s ago was like any
other day. My alarm went off at 6:30
am, half asleep I grabbed for my phone,
got out of bed, tripped over about 5 different things on the floor while I
waited for my contacts to catch up with the rest of my body and headed for the
shower. During this self-created bedroom
Double Dare-like obstacle course, like a creature of habit, the first thing I
check on my phone is my POF inbox.
I had been having issues with my profile for a couple of weeks. I would check it before bed and everything was fine, but at some point in the night my profile would be switched from active to hidden, causing me to not show up in searches for certain periods of time. This happened for about 2 weeks, so every time I would complete the obstacle course, I would have to reactivate my profile. I really didn’t sweat it, I just figured it was a glitch in the system, and a couple of my friends suggested that I change my password, but I figured it would work itself out considered I had this user name for 7 years, it was nostalgic to me.
So you can imagine my confusion at 6:32 am when I’m trying to log in to my account, and it’s not recognizing me as a user. I was as confused as a bi-sexual at a transgender convention. After several attempts, I tried the “forget your password” function, thinking there was a major glitch now. I plugged in my email address and I still didn’t exist…WTF. In a last stitch attempt to figure out what the hell was going on, I texted Chuck and asked him to find me, to which he informed me that I did not in fact exist. ..and that’s when I had an epiphany: Someone had reported me and my profile had been deleted from POF.
I had heard stories from people that actually knew that this had happened to before, but I didn’t believe it. I put it at the level with a Lockness monster or Bigfoot sighting; it was only a myth; and this would never happened to me? I’m like an internet superhero, saving people from one douchebag at a time. How dare someone report me for “inappropriate conduct” when they haven’t even seen me drunk. So I started thinking back to the past couple of weeks, and I had a feeling I knew who it was. I had only really pissed off one guy within the past two weeks that was capable of doing something so childish; and in my defense, he wouldn’t take No for an answer and believe it or not I was very polite about letting him down easy at first, but he kept going on and on and I had to bring out the big guns on him.
I don’t think it was the action of getting deleted that hurt my feelings, it was the way POF goes about doing it that hurt my feelings the most. They way that POF broke up with me reminded me of both of the previous relationships I have recently been in within the past year.; 2 men and one website basically break up with me by pretending that I don’t exist and just straight up ignore my existence on this planet. Yay! There was no email, no phone call, no closure what so ever as to why I was denied access to my account of 7 years. After 7 years, POF made me feel I was walking around with a Scarlett P on my chest – P for pervert.
I decided to put my big girl pants on, suck it up and reclaim my former profile to its righteous status. It wasn’t until I got about half way in that I realized I had had a 2nd account from when I had been blogging about the men in different cities and it was game on. It was the exact same profile as before (with my infamous “Do not message me if” rules) all it needed was a couple of pictures and I was ready to go! So with a new outlook on how the day had begun, I updated my profile and continued my day as planned.
As I stepped off the bus to walk to my destination, I felt my phone vibrate. As I grabbed for it to see what was going on, I had received 30 new POF messages within the duration of the 25 min bus ride. Apparently, men thought that I was a new user and once again my inbox had been blowing up. With my former profile, things had been a tad slow; I had either ignored or talked to most of the men on the site already. But with the name change (Same pictures, mind you) I was like the equivalent of a big juicy hamburger to a person who is cleansing.
As usual POF did not fail me. I got a lot of men that forgot I had ignored them before, a few guys
that recognized me and asked me what had happened, and of course the blog worthy ones. Apparently If I ever
find myself in a position where I need good material, all I need to do is just create a new profile. Fast forward a
couple of weeks later and it turns out its been a rough couple of weeks in the dating department. Sadly the "on to the next one" mentally is becoming a thing of the present for me. In three weeks I had met 3 guys, all to which I felt had great potential. Great convos, one was even an old college crush who I reconnected with, another who I
felt like was the male version of me, and the other was just absolutely adorable in the conversation. Don't let me fool you though, it is in my nature I do what I do best and I managed to send 2 of them running for the hills in
the same night thanks to a vodka induced haze I put myself in to at a black tie event (to which both of them
ironically were in attendance) The third and newest blow came by the adorable one who was by far the most good looking guy who had ever been dumb enough to go out with me. I knew he was too good to be true considering he disappeared very quickly after the date. So three disappearing acts in 2 weeks. That has to be some sort of record right?
Eventually you feel defeated, failure is the result, not the option and you start taking it to heart. I
am clearly aware that I am not perfect, however my uncanny ability to repel penis has become so unintentional
now that I can’t even control it. Striking out is one thing but I am to the point where I'm sitting on the bench at a kindergarten t-ball tournament. I think my profile getting deleted was a sign by the Internet gods telling me it's
time to quit online dating for a while. It only took me 7 years to realize it, but I’m starting to think online dating isn’t for me. My suspicions where correct I had a hormonal melt down Chuck and he told me to take a break. So unless life gets interesting or people submit their horror stories directly, unfortunately this may be the last blog for a while.
Fighting to get back to my old self and mend my broken heart took a lot out of me. I really don't have much fight left in me when it comes to rejection anymore. I have always been the type of person that I'd much
rather avoid a conflict then deal with it head on. So if I have to remove myself from online dating to prevent myself from meeting people that I'm to get rejected by anyways, might as well do it. I probably sound like a huge
Debbie downer right now , and it's just a reality of being single.
My friend Lauren and I were talking one day, (she is also on POF) and we were comparing notes. She wasn’t
having much luck on there, and asked me what my secret. It got me thinking to do some research on my own
stats, and this is what I came up with in 7 years of online dating (these numbers are so not accurate I have a
feeling…there has to be more)
47 phone numbers I have acquired from Pof alone
20 from other websites/apps
Of those numbers:
22 dates (that I can remember, considering the contacts in my phone that have not transferred with new hardware, and that really does seem low considering I was going on like 3 dates a week at one point)
Of those dates: 1 year long relationship that was derived from match.com
So yet another argument in favor of me canceling my account. In 7 years I ended up with 1 relationship that started like a fairy tale and ended like a horror story
So in conclusion, I would now like to highlight some new messages that I have received this time around. Some are just conversations, others I put my 2 cents in. I will only blog now if things happen to me in real life, so
chances are you won’t be hearing from me for a while Who knows, I may get bored in a week and rejoin or maybe in 6 months, the point is, if you are like me and feel the defeat, know that at least you are not alone…You can join myself and apparently these people who clearly should not be online dating…
Hungry? Why Wait…
Dear Forever Single:
Thank
you for covering all of the bases here in your initial message by telling me
that you would kiss ALL of my lips. This
poetic description reminds me of an un-recorded Boys II Men song The
profile headline really says it all. I really am starting to think that you are the
poster child for being a walking version of
“emotionally retarded but all
vagina’s sound neat.” You really are a lady killer aren’t you? Because you literally just killed any desire
that I have to get myself off later. I
feel like the only lips that you will be coming in contact with for the rest of
your life are your own and the only thing you will be eating is dinner for 1 at
4pm at Denny’s.The lol after your eating comment really changed my mind about
you though. We all know that when you
add LOL to the end of every sentence that it instantly turns funny right? Just like this: You are truly an asshat lol. I really hope that you get your tongue stuck
in a light socket lol. Please move to Antartica lol.
You can’t fix stupid…
Dear Smarty Pants
It’s
very clear your level of intelligence here and you have taken stupidity to a
whole new level. Unless you have the ability to telepathically send messages via the internet with your
mind…You are a member of this site. I’m
not sure how drunk or stoned you were when you first “didn’t become a member”
but you know that part when you had to fill out personal information, upload a
picture and click “Yes” and agree to terms and conditions? Yeah, that magically gave you member status
jackass. So the fact that you want to be
instant facebook friends, pretty much showed you were trying to beat the house
that is showing a pair of aces, and you are holding a 9-high. To add insult to injury, even if I wanted to
be your facebook friend, you didn’t even list your full name in the message, so I couldn’t find
you if I tried. I would avoid any jobs
that require any kind of technological/internet based experience, because I
feel like if I told you to shut off the internet, you would spend a very long
time looking for its off switch.
This one came directly from a friend:
Her and I’s convo as this is taking place…
.jpg)
Horny and Confused
3/14/2014
4:08:39 PM
You wanna make $2504 |
|
|
3/14/2014 4:09:37 PM
So exactly 2504? Is the extra $4 overtime?
|
3/14/2014
4:10:37 PM
Report this message for inappropriate content
I meant $250 lol
|
|
|
3/14/2014 4:11:55 PM
Whoa. That's a bad extra digit to add...what does this
consists
|
3/14/2014
4:13:32 PM
Report this message for inappropriate content
Just sex both oral and regular.
|
|
Is that ok or you just wanna do the head for $200
|
|
3/14/2014 4:22:46 PM
Is this a joke? Am I being punked? Is Ashton going to jump
out of the cubicle next to me?
|
|
3/14/2014
4:24:03 PM
Report this message for inappropriate content
No lol. Look i ain't rich. $350 Is the highest i can go.
|
Well???
|
|
All i want is a blowjob
|
Dear
Daddy Blowbucks:
I can look past the fact that you
are trying to get a BJ on a dating website.
I think it’s really cute that you like to negotiate. What I am super pissed off is the fact that
you think I am only worth $350!?!?!? I did some price comparison and asked a
couple of friends what as well as some C-squad strippers and actual East
Liberty Prostitutes and they all agreed that you are trying to low ball me. Clearly you know nothing about acquiring the
services of prostitute. I would really
love to know how this came about. Did
you decide to wake up one morning with the genius idea to turn to POF for your
Blow Job needs? Was Craigslist just not
working out for you? Did you “blow” it
with all your other options? You clearly
“suck” at this, considering you are just making up your own prices. Listen my brother from another mother, maybe
you should start small with some crack whore that’s looking for a drug exchange…If
you are looking for Pittsburgh’s very own version of the Bunny Ranch, shall I
suggest you start on the North Side?
Nothing says good oral like a good toothless crack whore right?
Before I leave you for a while on a more serious note:
For those of you that don't know this is Chuck, my best friend. Why is in he in a dress? He is raising money for the Mario Lemiuex Foundation/Pittsburgh Marathon. After he hit a particular goal, he agreed to wear this hideous thing to a Pen's Game. I am asking all of you to please help him reach his goal of 5k by donating something. Even if its $20 just to support this great cause. If he hits his goal, he is considering dressing up like Wonder Woman. Who wouldn't want to see this. I will also consider going out with someone of your choice, if you donate $20 or more to this great cause. Set me up with the worst of the worst, a $20 donation gets you the ability to set me up with 1 person of your choice (within the Pittsburgh Area). Here is the link to donate...Click Here
Keepin it Real...Until we meet again...
Shelby
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.