One
day, I was pointed in the direction of this fashion app called Wanelo. I know nothing about Pinterest, or how it
works, or how I pin something, but
Wanelo, I guess is the fashion equivalent.
Trying to figure out these apps makes me feel old and out of touch with
the trending "cool" phone things, so I more a less pretend I know
what the hell I'm doing and just run
with it. Anyway, since being introduced
to Wanelo, a series of unfortunate events starting happening with my credit
card and resulted in me signing up for both an Ebay and Paypal account. When I discovered Ebay for the first time
(yes I am a late bloomer, shut up) it
was like a holy experience for me. Not
only could I buy things for super cheap and potentially win an
"auction", I could also purchase peoples unwanted shit. The more I searched, It was like I had stepped in to a massive
online yard sale! The first time I
received a notification that I had "won" an auction, it was like a
huge sense of accomplishment. I thought
to myself, "Fuck yea, I won something, all you other bidders can kiss my
ass" only to discover that I was the lone bidder on the object in
question. Following my roller coaster of
emotion from going from feeling like I had just won the lottery, to a day in
the life of Lindsey Lohan, I had the genius idea that I was going to start my
own online store to rid myself of my very own unwanted shit. I had planned on calling my online store,
"Shelby's Unwanted Shit" Store, but the name itself wasn't very sexy,
and being too lazy to actually do all the work, I decided that rather than
trying to go through all that time and effort, why not put my writing skills to
use as a side job and see if I could sell people's unwanted shit via
Craigslist.
I asked
some of my single friends this question:
"Give me a list of items that you want to get rid of
after your breakup" and I will compile
my very own craigslist "For Sale" ad for you.
Here goes nothing:
Fire Sale - No Literally Everything Will Be Set on Fire if
not sold..
I
currently am in possession of a variety of men's clothes. I several shirts, sizes ranging from Medium
to XL because the pretentious prick's weight was more of a roller coaster ride
then my emotions when I'm PMSing. Other
than a few permanent sweat marks in the armpit area due to an his nationality,
they are in decent condition. If you are
not in the market for shirts, they also make great dish towels, dust rags, and
even high end reusable toilet paper.
There is a money back guarantee that your ass will not chafe while using
them! I also have pants in stock,
however I am unsure of the size because again the pompous douchebag ripped all
of the tags out with the hopes of them "still fitting" even on his
"fat" days. I will take
measurements for anyone interested, however if you are not seeking pants to
wear, may I suggest using them for seasonal usages such as making Scarecrows or
Snowmen. I am also in possession of
several pairs of sneakers, which need to be gone ASAP because they
metaphorically represent the part of our relationship where I was walked over,
and I want them gone. If you are not
looking to wear them, they have a high entertainment value to them. Why not take them and throw them over the
electrical wires in your neighborhood, and watch your neighbors look at them in
awe and ponder how they got up there and who's shoes they in fact are? Or leave them on the side of East Carson
street and watch people enviously think, "Wow, whose shoes are those, and
I wish I partied as hard as they did."
If all of these items are not sold by 6pm tomorrow (Friday), then I will
be having a bonfire party at my house.
Single men and women are welcome, pending they clear a background
check. All Items are $1 OBO
Let's Picture Happy Times
For
Sale: Several picture frames with pictures already in them. You
know when you get a picture frame from the store, and they have corny pictures
of politically correct families smiling and laughing as if they are our era's
version of the fucking Brady Bunch? Yeah
I hate that too...why not purchase picture frames that have pictures in them
that reflect real people in a failed relationship? I have pretty much every phase of my failed
relationship from start to finish starting with: "The Honeymoon Period" - all smiles
and not a care in the world, "Token Kissing Picture - taken to make all my
single friends jealous, and making all my married friends shut the fuck up, "We
are a Couple, Now What?" - the smile starts getting more forced; I'm
contemplating how fat I look while he is wondering what is for dinner, "We
are Comfortable, the Excitement is Gone" - even faker smiles and clothing
has gone from dress clothes to sweatpants and loungewear, "You Lied to Me
and I caught You" - there is no red
eye correction, it is actual fire coming from my eyeballs, and if you look
closely you may see a vein popping out of my neck, however he was smart enough
to fess up in a public place causing me to not rip his head off, "I Hope
You Get the Clap and Your Dick Falls off" - the final picture during the
breakup (taken by a guest photographer..AKA one of my friends) after giving him
another chance, only to find out that he was still sleeping with his ex. Please note the excruciating look of pain on
his face is real, considering he took a 5 inch heel to his balls and the
expression of relief on my face is genuine and real. Who needs a Facebook timeline, when you can
have a framed timeline of my very own failed relationship for a small
price! If you buy now, I will throw in
drinks at my favorite bar that has a dartboard.
We can remove the pictures one by one and bond over a game of darts.
Hello new friend!
Have some fun, at my expense..please
As I
was doing my post breakup cleaning, it was brought to my attention that I have
collected way to many sex toys during my last relationship. I didn't realize how many I had actually
collected, because while we were dating, I tried to justify the items he would
pick up at the porn store as a sign of him being "adventurous" when
my gut was telling me "this is weird, even for me." So here I sit, with a box full of random sex
toys thinking to myself, "You can't just throw these away...Would you
throw away the last piece of cake all because it fell on the floor and got a
little dirty? Hell no, you pick that
shit up, wipe it off and eat around the unsalvageable parts." So
with that in mind, I like to compare my sex toys to that of a used car, because
in all reality, my relationship was literally a total wreck and I came to find
out that my most recent ex is the equivalent of a lemon, so why not try to sell
these items maintaining the theme of our relationship right? All items are best offer
Multiple
Vibrators - Slightly used but in great condition. All have had thorough detailing via multiple
sanitizers. One owner. If you are looking for ones that are similar to Hybrid models (energy efficient and get good
mileage) I have several that only require one AA battery. If you are looking to splurge with more of a
SUV model, I do have a few that take C batteries. These are not as energy efficient, however
the safety rating would make them "Soccer Mom" approved. Now if you really want some power between
your legs, I have one available that is the equivalent of a Harley. It requires D batteries, the safety rating
sucks, but you will in fact go on the best joyride of your life.
Anal
Beads - No if, ands or butts about it people, these are the legit 50 shades of
Fucking Gray quality. Again slightly
used but in great condition and again have had a full detailing session via
multiple sanitizers. Very easy navigate
in to tiny parking places. No test drive
available. I will also throw in a bottle
of lube to ensure a great,
smooth shifting transmission. Does not
show any signs of collision damage.
Multiple owners, but the item that has been maintained as if it has only
had one. Only comes in one color, Candy Apple Red. If you don't buy these now, you will more
than likely scream with regret later...then again if you buy them you will
probably be doing the same thing regardless.
Keeping it Real -
Shelby
