Clash of the Personalities

To put it bluntly – the past few weeks have been nothing but a clusterfuck.  Where some people would brag about having 10 dates in 3 weeks, others would probably tend to find it a bit unhealthy.    I remember stepping off the plane after a weeks vacation in paradise visiting one of my closest childhood friends and saying – “Shelby, its time to focus on yourself.”  It was at that moment that I decided I was going to get event more serious about dieting and not just continue my current workout regimen, but also add Insanity Max 30 in to the mix.  Apparently though, when you throw that out in to the atmosphere – the cosmos have a different plan, and literally I was getting so many date opportunities that I wasn’t going to turn down the chance to potentially meet “the one”…But with lack of screening comes hilariously bad experiences….

My days lately consisted of, waking up, going to work, working out during lunch, coming home, doing insanity, shower, date, sleep and repeat.  I was preparing for date 3 of the week.  It was with a Match.com guy who I had a feeling was going to blow me off, considering we barley spoke and he kept changing his story about exactly what he was looking for, but lately I have been turning over a new leaf and have been wiling to at least give someone a chance if they fit my paper criteria and are attractive.  So naturally, with a Friday date planned, I texted him on Thursday to confirm that we were still on.  In the mean time I had met a different guy on SKOUT (yet another terrible dating app with more bugs than that one scene from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.)  He seemed eager to hang out, so I explained to him that if my preexisting plans canceled that I would meet up for dinner with him.  I gave the match.com guy 24 hours to respond to a simple yes or no question: “Are we still on for tomorrow night.”   As I suspected, he ghosted me so I made plans with SKOUT guy to do dinner.  I really didn’t know much about SKOUT guy – aside from very little conversation and a profile picture, but feeling adventitious I decided to meet him anyways. 

When he walked through the door, he wasn’t bad looking at all, so naturally that was an initial plus.  The first thing he commented on was how we both were wearing red shirts and matched.   We both thought it was kind of funny so it helped to break the ice.  When we arrived at the table and got settled, I noticed he had no shame in checking me out as I took off my jacket.  He eyed me up and down and got a pretty big smile on his face, which I caught out of the corner of my eye.  No bullshit, I loved it.  It’s a huge confidence booster to know that someone finds you attractive, especially with the hell that I had been put through in the past few years. 

Instantly though, I noticed that his eye contact kept going from my face to my cleavage, which wasn’t even first date inappropriate.   I don’t like to put the girls out there all the way, just a little bit to make them wanting more, and clearly it was more distracting than anything for him.  After the waiter brought our menu, he then proceeded to make the following statement: “Everyone here knows that we are on our first date, you know how they know?”  Naturally intrigued I asked, “How?” to which his response? “Because we actually look interested in what the other person is saying.”  Remember that confused puppy look that I always refer to?  Talk about role reversal, for it was me that now looked like the confused puppy.  I didn’t really understand 1. Why he would say that and 2. What he meant by it?  I thought to myself, “Are you saying that eventually you don’t care about what the person you are with has to say?”  I paused for a minute and said, “I’m sorry, not really sure what you mean by that,” to which he responded, “That was supposed to be a joke.”  I looked at him and said, “That wasn’t a very funny joke…just saying.”    Being that our drinks hadn’t even arrived yet, I could already tell this was going down a disastrous path.  He then asked me what I did for a living, to which I told him and he got extremely angry for some reason.  “Are you serious? You work there?!”  I worked there for 8 years and just got fired in September for the most ridiculous reason.”  My facial expression now I can only imagine went from confused puppy to “I just witnessed someone get hit by a car”.  He then proceeded to tell me the shadiest story (mind you) of how he was the victim of corporate politics and that one person was out to get him and blah blah blah.  I think I stopped listening after the part where he got up on his soap box preaching about how he did nothing wrong.  Sadly, we hadn’t even ordered our food yet and I already wanted the server to bring the check.

After he stepped off his soap box, I then asked him the most standard question that I tend to ask anyone I go out with, “What brought you to (Insert Site name here).”  Instead of a normal response like, “Just seeing what’s out there” or “Sick of meeting people in bars” I got, “You are really intense you know that?  What damage has been done to you in the past that has made you so intense.”  For the most part, I am a very cool demeanored person, however the thought of choke slamming him on to the table seemed therapeutic at this point.   With slight anger in my voice I proceeded to tell him the experience I had in my previous relationship involving the mental abuse, lack of communication and his profession which contributed a lot to it.    He really didn’t seem too phased by it, and mid way through interrupted me to tell me that I have “very sexy hands.” 

“Excuse me?” I said, to which he said, “I have a thing with hands and feet, and I must say your hands are super sexy.  What size shoe do you wear?” He asked.   I said, “ummm 7.5”.  “Perfect,” he said.   “May I?” he asked, and before I knew it he grabbed my hand and was holding it as if one would if they were going to go kiss the back of it.  As I looked up, I caught his eyes staring at me intensely, moving from my face and then down to my cleavage and back to my face and then he began licking his lips.  This was quite possibly more disturbing than the guy that rubbed my leg under the table.  I wanted to teleport out of there, and the food hadn’t arrived. 

I hastily removed my hand and tried to change the subject, simply because I didn’t have a well thought out exit plan.  We then got on the subject of drinking.  He had pounded 2 margaritas at this point, to which I had my lemon water.  I truly feel like if I would have had any alcohol around this douche I probably would of went to jail for simple assault.    He then outright asked me what kind of drunk I was, to which I replied, “Well I can tend to be wild and crazy at times.”  “How so?” he asked.  I then proceeded to tell him one of my favorite recent drunk stories that involved myself, one of my best friends, a random male, shots of fireball and getting kicked out of the Cambodian Café on the South Side at 1:45am.  This event makes my top 3 most hilariously bad drunk stories list.  He found 0 humor in it….”Well you and I will never be drinking in public together that’s for sure.”  He said.  “In fact, we will only drink at my place, that way if you get out of control I can just kick your ass out.”  Wow…his personality is about as warm as a dead body, and he didn’t stop there…”What are you doing out on the South Side anyway, you are too old to be going out there.”  I would of given anything for a piano to fall from the sky and land on his side of the table at this point….

Finally after what seemed like weeks, the food arrived.  Being that I am on a strict portioned diet, my dinner consisted of a bun less turkey burger with one slice of cheese and an order of sweet potato fries.  Making the best of it, I loaded my burger with ketchup and mustard and naturally set all the garnishes to the side.  “Do you want these veggies? I don’t eat them.”  I asked, trying not to waste food, when I even told the server I wanted my burger plain.”  “You don’t eat vegetables, well that’s weird.”  Thank you asshole, you are the second person now to call me weird for not eating vegetables.  Your vagina whispering skills are on point tonight.  He then says to me, “What are you 12?  Your burger looks like something a child would eat.”  My reply was in true Shelby fashion, “I didn’t see any mac and cheese on the menu or I would of ordered that too.  Would you like me to throw a tantrum now or wait till we are leaving?”  He shut up pretty quickly.  At this point there were 2 pluses to the evening: 1. His mouth was full of food, allowing less time for any type of terrible conversation to come out of it and 2. This meant the date was close to ending.

When the waiter brought the bill I truly wanted to jump out of my seat and run to my car, but he just kept on talking.  Normally when someone says, “I have a confession to make” nothing good has ever came out of it, so naturally when he blindsided me with that anything goes at that point.  He then proceeded to tell me that I must have a thing for a certain type of profession because he was in fact in the same profession as my ex.  Where things kinda were starting to make sense at this point with his arrogance and clear lack of respect, I had that “Oh Shit” moment.  “Why did you lie about that, it is kind of a stupid thing to lie about.”  I said.  “I don’t care what kind of job you have, Its about if our personalities click” (which clearly they didn’t). 

His response made me want to go batshit crazy, “I’m just kidding, I’m not really that profession – I am considering training to be it though, but not there yet.” I’m pretty sure my face was about as red as my shirt with anger.  “Why the fuck would you joke about something like that, do you seriously have something wrong with you?” I asked.  “Sorry I didn’t think you would be that wound up about it,” he said.  All I heard was the mortal combat voice in my head saying, “FINISH HIM, FATALITY.”

I was literally squirming in my seat.  My legs were saying run and my mind was saying, “Remove all sharp objects from the table NOW”  So waiting for the change felt like eternity.  As we waited the Pens game was on, so I asked him, “Do you like sports/hockey/ etc?  “I don’t have time for sports, I’m too interested in cars and Women.”  I thought – well that makes sense – in order to keep any kind of Woman I’m assuming he has to hit them with his car and knock them in to comas….

Finally the change came and he asked where I was going to next.  On a whim I made up a great story about meeting up for friends on the South Side for drinks, knowing he wouldn’t try to invite himself.  I said, “What are you doing?”  His answer was what I expected, “Well my buddy from Florida was in town, so I was thinking you could call some of your single friends and maybe they could show him some “fun”.  I wanted to say, “Fun for me would be pushing you off a cliff,” but instead I said, “Oh so I am a Madame now?  I didn’t realize my purpose was to find your friend vacation vagina.  How about this, I’ll text you when I see who is out and if anyone is single then I will let you know?”  “Ok that works,” he said and I literally ran to my car like a zombie was chasing me.

Naturally I did not contact him that night, or the next day either, but apparently he thought he had nailed the date because he asked me what I was up to on Sat night and was hinting around to maybe getting together, to which I squashed pretty quickly for the entire weekend.  “Sorry got a lot going on,” I responded – to which wasn’t a lie – I truly did have plans…with myself…that I refused to break because I didn’t want to be a dick…to myself.

Sunday afternoon involved a massage and meal prep, which is my kinda day.  I then got yet another last ditch effort text from him fishing to see if I wanted to hang out:

Some people just never learn...

Keeping it real -

Shelby

Same Shit - Different Year

I used to be one of those people that would eat up the "new year, new me" and "this is going to be my year" bullshit. But after about year 30, resolutions last shorter and shorter, and long term goals turn in to daily wins including successfully getting out of bed without tripping over anything or managing to wear matching socks. 

At the start of this new year, even the first 10 days in, if it was any foreshadowing of the upcoming year for me, I sooner than later may be seeking out convents to join. 

I started off the year by setting up a ridiculous amount of dates (like 6 in two weeks) with the hopes of at least finding one with 2nd date potential. I have a tendency of this vicious circle of overachieving, feeling defeated, quitting for a few weeks, and repeat. I had set up a match.com date with a guy that lived fairly close to me and we agreed to meet at a local pizza joint, so I had hoped that I would be starting the year off on a positive note with someone who lived within my "shower spider killing concept" 

You see, I have several female friends that I pretty much confide everything to, considering we see each other almost every day. They are constantly joking with me because my ideal guy would live up the street if it were up to me. I find places like Robinson, Monroeville and Cranberry to be the equalivallant of a long distance relationship, because it is a different zone according to the pat bus system.  I love debating with men that live in those areas that tell me they can make it downtown in 25/30 min. I always congratulate them on 1. Breaking speed limits and managing to not lose their license and 2. Remind them to add 15 min on to their travel time, because I live that far away from "downtown" in an awkward area that is not convient to get to. Normally I win and if that doesn't work I always use the example of the shower spider:

What happens if I find a terrifying spider in my bath tub that has crawled up the drain?  There is a small 30 minute window that I can lock myself in my bedroom terrified, before I go in to horror movie mode. I need that hero that lives within that 30 min radius that can come kill it, before I consider moving.  That my friends, is my definition of a knight and shining armor.    

Now I'm sure you are thinking, "What do you do now with you don't have a hero?" To which the answer is simple - typically I will still lock myself in a safe part of the house hoping it will disappear, and if it doesn't, I awkwardly try to drown it and send it back down the drain- but the mental anguish of worrying that by killing one of its own, that others will follow and conspire to inflict revenge like pissed off villagers with torches- I do not want to be responsible for allowing my overactive imagination to get the best of me...

So with that being said, I had found someone living in my own zip code? Instant brownie points. So as I geared up for whatever 2015 throws at me, I headed to the date....

When I arrived it was fairly normal of a start. He looked just like his pictures so I had not felt as if I had been fooled. He had told me in an email that he had been on vacation all week and had pretty much done nothing but watched college bowl games. Not really my idea of a vacation but whatever to each their own. During our date, there happened to be a bowl game on, to which he asked the waitress if she could change the station to it, which again -not a big deal. Trying to rip a man away from sports is the equivillant of asking them to stop breathing so I get it, however on a first date I feel there can be a special exception. 

Literally the entire time I was there - the only time he took his eyes off the tv to talk to me was during commercial breaks. He was even more interested in shit-texting his brother every other minute than engaging in any kind of "getting to know you conversation" that involved him looking at me. About midway though the date, I felt like I was on a date with myself, to which I realized that I wanted to be sitting at home watching tv alone, instead of sitting in this pizza place with someone who is distracted with college bowl game - that mind you was a 30 point blow out and this point, so I made the executive decision to fake a hangover. I started getting "sicker and sicker" however I didn't have to do much psychial  acting considering I could of stabbed myself with a fork and got carted off by the paramedics and he wouldn't of took his eyes off the goddamn TV screen to notice me missing from the table. So finally I said that I needed to go home and lie down or I was going to throw up all over the table.  

He had asked me if I would mind giving him a ride home, to which I agreed because it was right down the street on my way home too. Amazingly, I had his full attention the 2 min drive home, however by that time it was too late for him - there wasn't going to be a second date. He then asked me if I wanted to come inside and 1. Listen to jazz records, 2. Drink a hot tea and "talk" and my favorite 3. Watch more college football. I declined and headed home feeling slightly defeated, but not ready to give up on dating all together.   

Apparently he thought the date went way better than it did because he asked me to hang out that next night and the night after, both events involved going to his place to "get to know each other and - you guessed it: watch football. Clearly this guy had no clue: Why the hell would I want to Partake in the same activity that you ignored me for the first time?  After I told him no 2 times he hit me with the "are you even interested in me?" Question. I'm sure this will shock a lot of people because I am perceived as being a very outspoken borderline bitch - however unless someone gets extremely inappropriate with me, I try to let down people I am not In to as politely as possible.  I tried explaining to him how I thought it was a total turn off that he pretty much ignored me the entire time for football - a blowout game too. He then then did what any rejected man would do and compare me to "all girls", said some pretty lightly offensive things, apologized and left me alone. Strike one

Rub Me in all the Wrong Ways

I had been getting bored with the ok Cupid and Pof circuit and wanted to try something different - so I decided to give Tinder a fair chance.  I had always done terrible on Tinder  not even in a gross message kind of way, more like a no message kind of way.   I knew people that got multiple dates from it, I typically wasn't as lucky. So naturally when the opportunity presented itself that I had found somebody on there that wanted to meet, I went into it open-mindedly. Being that Tinder is notoriously known for being a hook up app I made very clear right up front that that was not my intention, to which he was ok with and we seemed to be looking for the same things. Looking back now he did say some offbeat things that normally would strike me as socially awkward and not weird but I try to give everybody the benefit of the doubt especially when it's hard to know what peoples demeanors are when it comes to chatting not on the phone. 

Things started getting shaky when we tried to coordinate a place to meet at. As a 32-year-old female I might sound a little bit old school however I feel that I'm in a first date scenario the guy should either 1. Find a location that is close to the female so that she does not have to travel far. Or 2. Find a location that is halfway so that both parties have an equal distance to travel home upon a terrible date. I personally do not think that is too much to ask. So naturally when he suggested a location that was fairly close to him I declined and said let's try to meet somewhere halfway. He then gave me the name of another location outside of the city to which I thought was very close again to where he lived. He told me no and that I was thinking of a different area of Pittsburgh so I said okay and we decided to meet at a restaurant there. As I was driving to the restaurant and my directions told me to get off at the exit to which was in fact the city he lived in, I was pissed.  I hadn't even met this guy yet and he had already lied to me, naturally I was slightly jaded. 

As I made my way inside the restaurant he was standing at the hostess stand waiting for me. We sat down and ate our food and engaged in very normal conversation. I was slightly nervous it being a Tinder date and all because you never know what to expect. So I was very pleasantly surprised when the conversation maintained normal and respectable and I'd come to the conclusion that he was just quirky when he messaged. He excused himself to go to the restroom as I sat and finish my dinner. I still really wasn't sure if I was feeling him exactly, he really wasn't my type, but I was still willing to get to know him better. Little did I know this was the point of the date where the train would derail, catch on fire and start a forest fire similar to those of the ones in California. 

As he returned back from the bathroom he sat down directly next to me in the booth. Basing off of what little I knew about him I thought that he was doing it just to be slightly cute and corny funny, and figured that he would return to his side of the table after a minute or two...but he didn't. At first I laughed uncomfortably, but when I realized he was actually not going anywhere, it became a personal space issue for me. At this point I was stuck- if I backed myself towards the wall he would've had me pinned in the booth, but at least if I sat close enough to the edge I could always kind of shove him out if things got a bit uncomfortable. It's one thing to get up close and personal with somebody if you feel that the date is going that route but I don't feel that I set out any type of signal to elude that I wanted him to come sit next to me.  For me it got awkward at that point, but any chance of a second date ended when the next thing I know he begins to rub my leg under the table. He starts to rub and then tells me what strong leg muscles I have. In my mind all I can start thinking about is taking the fork that was left on the table, jamming it into his leg and see how he likes being touched.  I really tried not to come off as a stone cold bitch, but to me that is a "bad touch". It's one thing to rub the leg of someone that you have known for a while and have been previously intimate with, but to rub a girls leg on the first date when it's been established that there will be no hooking up- that's just inapprops. I decided that In order to diffuse the situation calmly I would nonchalantly grab his hand, remove it from my leg and place it on top of the table where it rightfully belonged. 

Unfortunately he had a secondary plan. When I went to grab his hand to remove from my knee, he then grabbed my hand and tried to hold it...under the table.  I couldn't tell if I had teleported back in to 4th grade, if this poor guy genuinely does not know proper first date protocol, or if he knew exactly what he was doing and thought I would be ok with it, either way I was officially freaked out. To make matters worse, when he grabbed my hand under the table he then looked at me and said "Oh come on, you can just hold my hand under the table nobody has to know."  I wanted to run but I couldn't because he was still sitting in the booth next to me. At this point I had to talk my way out of it. That was the only way I was going to get out of this situation safely. Not that he was any kind of threat mind you, but there's really no coming back from a "bad touch."  After completely bullshitting my way through an explanation that these are things that you don't do on a first date but on a second or more date, he returned to his side of the table. My presence at that restaurant was very short-lived after that.   Strike two

It'a Hot in Hurrrr

I had met this guy on OkCupid we hit it off instantly. Our first few messages back-and-forth were very fun, and we engaged in smart ass banter which is my favorite. Nothing is more attractive to me then a guy that can go toe to toe with me and my smart mouth, so naturally I was intrigued. A lot of times during the "getting to know you process" a conversation turns less into fun and more and more like an interrogation and you start to feel obligated to respond in lieu of getting excited. With him and I the conversation just flowed.  I have been excited for dates before but as the time grew closer for us to me I started getting really excited. If he was anything in person like he was on the phone, I felt like this guy had more potential than a lot of the others I had met. The only downside was that he lived 45 minutes away from downtown, close to where I grew up. I didn't want to get my hopes up too much, but he was willing to meet me more than halfway so I was willing to give it a shot, until literally our location changed three times between the day before and the day of and we kept getting further and further away from the city and closer and closer to his backyard. Again I found myself in a situation where I was irritated before I even left the house. 

When he showed up he was exactly what I expected. He was very good looking, you could tell that he took good care of himself, The only downer was that he smoked and I could smell it on him like a bloodhound. I promised myself that I would never become an ex-smoker that would frown upon people that smoke - however I've become a hypocrite and understand now what every guy I dated before went through.  Unless you are a smoker yourself- It's pretty gross. 

He chose a location that had been known for bringing in a lot of musical acts, but also had a restaurant too. The first hurdle that we experienced was when we sat down the band was playing very loudly so it was hard for us to hear each other. Not really a good place to have a first date but I didn't hold that against him. Within minutes of sitting down I had instantly noticed that he had kept wiping his forehead. I, naturally I'm always cold so for me to break out a sweat it's usually during physical activity or im getting ready to puke.  For him, however he was just sitting there wiping his forehead....a lot. 

Being fairly dark in there I didn't notice how bad he was sweating until a beam of light happened to hit his face and it looked like he had turned on his own personal waterfall. Sweat was visibly pouring from his face and his shirt was drenched to the point where it looked like he had gotten caught in a rainstorm. 

I kinda felt bad. I truly had hoped that it wasn't because he was nervous or that I was making him nervous, but he assured me that he had just got done working out and that was why.  I think he forgot that I'm pretty familiar with health and wellness, because I have never seen a product that would cause anyone to continue to sweat in such a way, especially that long after a workout. Before we even ordered our food, he excused himself and went to the bathroom to "freshen up". A few minutes later he came back and assured me that he felt better. 3 glasses of water and 2 attempts to move somewhere that we could actually hear ourselves talk. 

The entire time I was trying to distract myself from 1. The epic pit stains that were literally hypnotizing and 2. The constant motion of him wiping of his forehead with his forearm.  I tried to engage in banter-but made no comments about the sweating hoping it wouldn't detail the date. I managed to distract myself and we ended up having a very nice conversation and really opened up about our pasts/commonalities and joked around a bit. 

Literally after he got done eating the last bite of his meal - he excused himself from his seat and went outside to smoke a cig. At this point I knew he was pretty hooked considering I was in the same boat over 2 years ago. I was most happy that maybe by him going outside he would "cool" down, considering it was 25 degrees outside. When I looked at him outside, I swear I saw steam rising from him, but then again It could have easily been 1. The smoke of his cig or 2. The fire pit he was standing next to. Either way - it appeared that he was truly cooling off. 

When he returned inside he reeked of cigarette smoke. It was bad.  I tried not to say anything - again because I try not to be an hypocrite, and eventually the smell went away and I had hoped that by him going outside his body temp would return to normal and he would stop sweating. That was the case....for about 10 min. He then again began to continuously wipe his brow and I had eliminated all attempts to even come up with an explanation. As the date ended, even with a drenched shirt and all, he politely walked me to my car and watched me get lost attempting to get out of the confusing parking lot of his location. 

Remembering that I had a 45 min drive ahead of me, getting angry again, I had more than enough time to reflect on what had just occurred. 

I was willing to go out with him again, considering he didn't cross any "bad touch" lines, or ignored me for a televised sporting event. I was even willing to look past his smoking and profuse sweating, however I never heard from him after that. With that being only a week and a half in to the new year and strike three - I decided it was time to take a break from dating... 

So like a 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum - I deactivated all things online dating with the exception of my match.com profile because I am already locked in to a 6 month subscription. I wanted to deactivate my Facebook too, because lately I have been getting random friend requests from people I don't know, only to have them hit on me later. Unfortunately though, if I were not addicted to games like Family Guy: quest for stuff and candy crush - Facebook would be irrelevant to me, but since those games are linked to it, I'm kinda stuck. And also too- if it weren't for Facebook no one would know about this blog, so I'm slightly dammed if I do dammed if I don't. 

Sadly I do terrible on match.com so needless to say checking it once every couple of days doesn't really fall in to the "aggressive" category.  Now that I'm not online dating my days have been filled with work-working out-TV and sleep, and I gotta tell ya, not only have I lost a couple of lbs, but I've never been this rested in almost 2 years...

Keeping it real

-Shelby 

 

The Day I Became a Madame

Aside from a shaky start dating wise this year- I have also fell victim to the weird and hilariously explainable. 

Facebook has been both a blessing and a curse so far this year for me. I have been getting an unusual amount of friend requests from total strangers that I can only assume are coming from this Pittsburgh Steelers fan club that I joined. I used to be the type of person who would just accept anyone, but lately I have been very selective in who I add and who I don't. 

You learn the hard way when you start getting messages from guys that added you soley because they think you are "cute" and then ask you out. The last time I checked - Facebook is not a dating service, but then again what do I know? 

One day I woke up to a very long Facebook message from an older gentleman that Was a random friend add (didn't previously know him) who felt that apparently look like I would be interested in an erotic story. The erotic story consisted of a woman shoving a random vegetables up her ass and enjoying it. Clearly this man was unaware that my feelings towards vegetables are roughly about the same as I feel about shoving things up one's ass, I find the thought of both equally repulsive. 

That same day I had to message POF because for the first time in eight years of being on the website I have a 51-year-old stalker that won't leave me alone (and by stalker I mean I received 30 messages to which I didn't respond to any of them in less than 24 hours, two blocking's later and he still coming back for more). 

At this point with it not even be in one week into the New Year one would probably just want to throw in the towel, nope not me. There was a brief glimmer of hope when I was out on a date Monday night with a very attractive, nice, normal guy from POF that revived my hopes to retract the nose dive the year had already started taking, even though I was looking over my shoulder the entire time because he took me to the same pizza place that the obsessed football watcher frequents....but then Tuesday happened. 

Tuesday had started like any normal day, with the exception of the first real snow of winter that caused accident up on accident. The day flew by and I had found myself at home, sitting on the couch, when i get a text from none other than my buddy "Big Ron".  It's been a while since I heard from him. Typically after I tell him to "go away" usually pops up anywhere between two weeks to a month later for more abuse. This time had been different tho. If you are familiar with my convos with Ron, when we last left off he was asking me if I knew any men, that not only could he experiment with but that him and I could share. 

Ironically about six months ago, I had met a guy on OkCupid who is very similar to Ron in many ways. He was a very nice guy who was slightly sexually confused as to which team he wanted to play for. And once it was ruled out that I would never ever romantically get involved with him we remained friends.  

When Ron messaged me, something clicked in my head and I that's when I had the idea to set them up. Now mind you - I am probably the worlds worst matchmaker. Every attempt at me setting people up has ended in disaster, but I had only tried to set people based off of: you have a dick, you have a vagina - you guys would be perfect for each other!  

So now the playing field is a bit different. I got too many dicks and not enough holes to work with. But I was willing to try to help Ron - I mean even after the years of knowing each other and the blunt and honest rejecting that I give him, at the end of the day he is still a human being looking for some sort of connection. The convo went something like this (they are in a series of 4

Messages. Read left, down, then right) 

---------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------

So, I did it. I tried to set up two lonely men who were seeking to explore their mutual interest in their own sexuality. Part of me felt as if I had done a good thing, the other part of me felt dirty - and I felt more sorry for the guy I had fed to the big bad Ron wolf.  But always with good intentions in mind, I had hoped for the best while knowing this was going to probably end up being a disaster. 

A couple of weeks later I get this:

Clearly my attempts at finding Ron happiness was short lived, however if I had to guess, Im sure Ron self sabatoged himself in some way, shape or form. But then It was if the clouds opened up, and I was given a second chance to find Ron the rim job he so desperately wanted.  Out of nowhere I got this message from another fine specimen from Pof. 

We shall see what happeneds! 

Keepin it real-

Shelby 

You are doing it all wrong....

If it weren't for online dating, I would literally sit at home doing nothing but watching stomach humping porn on HBO and eating myself in to oblivion thanks to my obsession with Callente's pizza.  

I always seem to get asked the question, "what brings you to this site?" Depending on my mood my response varies from, "I'm just seeing what's out there." (To which I am fully aware of what is out there, I mean I have literally gone out with 75% of the men in this city that I find attractive or intriguing.). "I don't get approached in public." (Again, either because of unintentional bitch face, I'm constantly surrounded my male friends who have strong personalities, or im drunk.. which most would think would be an easy way for me to meet people, however if you have had the pleasure to see me in a drunken state, the Shelby shit show could potentially make any straight man easily consider a sex change operation and be eternally terrified of women.)

Lately I have non chilantly been running in to men that I have gone out with in the past, which makes for a less than awakward experience and has added validity to my claim of dating 75% of "my type" of men in this city. Within 2 weeks I managed to run in one guy from my 2nd run at match.com at a pizza place.  I remembered him as the guy who literally got up during our mid coffee date, abruptly ending the conversation for no apparent reason, and just leaving. Not many people dumbfound me, hence why I remembered exactly who he was. I remember asking myself if I was getting punked and waited for Ashton to jump out from behind the plant at starbucks or something. 

As my friend and I stood there waiting for our pizza, which seemed like an eternity, because the guy and I were about 10 feet from each other and I had immediately recognized him, I channeled my inner childhood and brushed off my ventriloquist skills to non chilantly alert my friend as to what was going on. I caught him looking at me with that awkward "I know you from somewhere, but I can't figure it out." So naturally, I turned away from him to hide my ID badge, in efforts to maybe confuse him 1/10th of what he had done to me. 

There was another instance to which I ran in to another guy I ran into at my friends bday party at Cavo no more than less than a month later. This guy could of qualified as royalty in the douchebag family. He was the first guy I found myself liking after my break up. He seemed sweet, was my type (looks wise) and didn't smother me with questions in our conversations. When we met he was everything I expected and more.. until he tried to get a little handsy after our scare house date, to which I flat out told him I wasn't sleeping with him. Naturally that was the last I had heard from him until that night at Cavo. So when he walked up to me, I about a 6 on the drunk scale, somehow I channeled my inner drunken rainman and remembered who he was and I naturally called him out. Slurring my words I said to him, "oh yeah you are the douchebag that didn't call me because I didn't fuck you on our first date."  I then gave him a thumbs up with a cheesy, "if I throw a stick will you leave me alone" smile and walked away. His true nature shined as brightly as the sun when I watched him in the VIP section basically shoving alcohol down the throats of girls that their presence just screamed, "I have daddy/self esteem issues."  At that point I realized I had came out a winner, and watching him pathetically try to get girls drunk enough to take them home to bang them. Apparently having some sort of self respect for yourself is not the trending color or the season. 

Recently though, I have met some normal decent men, but unfortunately there is just no mutual spark or chemistry.  I havent had to throw a date in quite some time. Online however, I still manage to be the equavillant of freak fly paper. 

With that being said, I would like to share with you some people that just don't get the whole, "I'm just not that in to you" 

Dear Martin the Masterbater,

Wow, you certainly put the "master" in the word masterbation don't ya?  I bet loads of socially awkward men from the oceans of plenty of fish seek out your knowledge in the art of masterbaition...you are like the handy-llama.  "I'd tap that?" I'm glad you felt the need to compare me to a keg because even if I were to consume the 1982 ounces of beer that a 1/2 keg holds, I still wouldn't find you attractive.  If you can't even pick up the dirty laundry that is on the floor of the bedroom at your parents house that you have never moved out of, you clearly are incapiable of picking up a woman. 

Dear Pubey Pablo,

I'm glad that a legamite quality you seek in a soulmate depends on wether their vagina is sporting a playoff beard or looks like a Mexican hairless chihuahua.  I mean screw personality, looks or income, apparently the key attribute to a long lasting relationship in your 

mind is if the carpet matches the drapes or is a hardwood floor. It's hard to believe that someone as intellegent as you, with such a intellegent mind set is single.  Considering its winter, I'm single and you aren't even worth a 2 pack of razors at the dollar store, I'll let you visualize me singing the Indiana jones theme as i pretend to use my machete to hack through the jungle, knowing it's not at all for you. 

Dear Chatty Charlie,

No I do not want to go ice skating with you, hence why I didn't respond. I did block you, because you felt the need to constantly send me messages to which I never responded, hoping you would get the point that I was not interested, but instead you insisted on continuing to have a conversation with yourself. All because you got a new screen name, and found me again, still doesn't make me interested in you. It's not because you have a "beautiful" daughter that I will not go out with you. Fyi-Everyone thinks their child is beautiful, so playing that card won't work. I admire the notion of "Not taking no for an answer" when it comes  to thinks like: getting a refund for something that defective, fighting for your right to party, or working a customer service job that is commission based for up selling, but annoying someone in to even talking to you, is not a good way to start a relationship that only exsists in your head. It will be a good morning for me when I dont wake up to 60 messages  sent from you during this one sided conversation...

Dear Jerk Off Jim -

You should be proud of what your life has become. I mean really, I hope you wake up every day, take a shit, look down at it, and reflect on the similarities between that heaping pile of shit and what your life has become.  Sadily I'm sure your roomate is used to hearing the sounds of your sobbing coming from your empty bedroom, post ejactulation. I envision your bedroom like that of an 18 year old boy. Posters of half naked women probably cover the walls, playboys and hustlers tucked under your twin mattess that is on the floor and credit card bills piled on the desk next to your computer, including charges from pornhub 

and other various porn and live cam sites. I'm sure turning on a black light would result in your bedroom glowing so brightly that it could be seen from space, revealing what one would think that the great sperm massacre of 69' occurred there. It's probably a good thing that your sperm has not actually generated anything productive aside from just making your room as sticky as the floor at any given bar in the south side.  I hope after the 11th profile that you will need to create on Pof because the first 10 were unsuccessful, that you still don't find anyone stupid enough to allow you to procreate.  I truly hope you find a swallower. 

Keeping it real

-Shelby 

Everyone is single for a reason...

Being single is a lot like drinking. Some of us just can't seem to find a drink that compliments us and is the perfect tasty mix, other drinks are so disgusting and nasty that after one sip they make us want to projectile vomit. There are even occurrences where some people just choose not to drink at all because it's better for them mentally or are even recovering from a terrible hangover.  

At the end of the day, regardless of wether you are the equavillant of a raging alcoholic like me that goes on plenty of first dates hoping to find the perfect cock-tail (get it? Cock-tail, ha!) or the recovering alcoholic who's ability to get super love drunk resulted in the worst hang over of your life, always remember you are single for a reason. 

As the eve of my 32 birthday approaches and I still continue to seach for my perfect concock-tion(haha I did it again) I always like to reflect on the past year, and it was by far the year of the asshole. In the love department, as always I made very terrible choices when it came to dating, finding myself doing the chasing and not the one being chased,  finding that the few that I took an actual liking in only for them to not feel it mutually, and my personal favorite, the ones that just really have no regard for other people's feelings and just take total advantage of your kindness.  Either way, I don't want a pity party, I have enough vodka fully stocked at my place to throw myself one hell of an unrememberable party. If anything, I'm 100% better off this year than I was last year when it comes to the life department because I have more friends now than I can say I have ever had, and I'm more greatful for that than anything. 

I decided I needed another break from online dating when yet another potential situation fizzled out like it always does, and I found myself not feeling that the feeling was mutual or that I was being chased adequately, so feeling defeated again, I waved the white flag and threw in the towel. 

I hid all profiles and let my match.com subscription run out, fully knowing that my social life will go from 3 dates a week to non exsistant....and im ok with that.  I'm smart enough to know that I'm not a fan favorite, and it's going to take someone who literally pisses awesomeness to win me over. 

With that being said, I have embraced my character flaws, and have used it to channel material for this blog and truly feel with my ongoing experience that online dating is a great alternative to birth control.  I feel parents should require 2 things now a days, 1. Watch the infamous 6th grade "miracle of birth" tape and 2. Put their children on a dating website for 1 month (in a controlled environment of course). Simply by allowing them to swim in a sea of the mostly socially awkward people that range from perverts, white trash, rednecks, extremely overweight, "I should be on the Maury Povich show bc I have several offspring", would cause any decent human being to want to get sterile. 

Finding your own level of normalcy in online dating is like finding a needle in a haystack. Granted, there are just as many genuinely nice people on these sites as their are degenerate fucks, but unfortunately even on the Internet, nice people finish last. 

The format of this blog is more informative and mean girl-ish than funny. With that being said, here is a collection of messages received that would get streamlined to the category of, "you are single for an obvious reason".

Dear Unmagic Mike-

Let me list the reasons as to why magic

school does not suffice as a proper education. 1. You spelled Pittsburgh wrong. Any true yinzer would find this to be an abomination to the entire Pittsburgh nation. Clearly hogwarts does not teach geography classes.  2. If you think me asking the men of online dating to be respectful is having strict morals, then clearly you are dumber than I thought you were and don't even understand the definition of exactly what "morals" are. Did you not learn from your classmate Harry Potter that doing the right moral thing leads to banging your best friends sister?  3. At the end of your message you bluntly state we wouldn't work out, but yet still waste my time by hitting the send button. It's a shame you can't use your magic to go back in time and just not send it all together. 

 

I can't figure out why this Prince Charming is single?

So the backstory to this is that this fucktard is the only person in 32 years to stand me up. Congrats on being the worlds worst liar asshole!  It is by far the worse lie I have came across.  If he ever contacts me again, I will literally break his dial finger so he will be incapiable of texting at all. 

I didn't know they give mental patients internet access. This is what I like to call "having a conversation with yourself".  He wants to hook up, shook up and be friends...he sounds like an unreleased Rick astley song.

Keep your pimp hand strong friend, just pretend it's someone else so you feel less pathetic ;)  

Awe everyone..please welcome back "mr. I can't handle rejection" from "the lonely hearts club" blog. After blocking this psychopath, he continued to msg me from a yet another different screen name. In addition to being a pathetic asshole, he also doesn't realize that arguing with someone online is like trying to punch air....moron

You had me at "I'll you a condom"...shows such sign of maturity and responsiblity....

Nothing says dateable than a crotch in a mirror pic...

nothing good ever comes by starting a conversation with "can I ask you something?"

And for ther finalie..

The return of Big Ron..

At the end of the last blog, Ron left us with dildo pictures and not taking no for an answer, clearly nothing has changed 

Thank you to everyone who reads this and shares with friends. I am truly greatful that you take the to read this, abd hope you get good laughs. If you are single, I hope you dont feel alone in the struggles of online dating. When in doubt, always think to yourself, "is this message blog worthy" and if the message is yes, rethink your strategy!

Keeping it real

Shelby