For as much as I blog about emotionally retarded individuals, I also provide proof of them via dating websites and emails. Where I have experienced many tools and douchebags in my life time, it's no wonder that I have changed my outlook on relationships and dating. I am just the only one with the balls to bring how terrible the dating scene in Pittsburgh is, so it's expected that people assume that I am either a bitch or a negative Nancy. I've accepted that 95% of the men I meet do not want a relationship, they just want to get their rocks off, and where I still find it pathetic and dumb, I've accepted societies changing views and my faith in humanity wears thin.
One question that I absolutely hate getting asked is "Why are you single?" That's like asking a blind person if they are wearing matching socks. Most of the time, depending on my mood, my usual reply is "I'm currently dating 2 men at this time, one is named Mr. Duracell and the other is Mr. Energizer." Being single is not a disease, it's a choice (it's even harder explaining this to your married/in a relationship friends, because they don't know what it's like in the real world of dating.)
I had thought about starting my very own singles support group. Where people could share their horror stories about dating, experiences and whatnot, but then decided that would be too much of a commitment. In the last 5 years, the only thing I have been able to commit to is a long distance carrier. Then I had a thought, rather than overexposing my entire life, what if I gave others the chance to share their horror stories.
High School Blues - Submitted by Brandon M.
It was sophmore year in Math Class. Feeling confident, I had my eyes set on 3 girls. I ended up going after the one that sat behind me, so for like 3 weeks, I would purposely change the desks around because the janitor kept putting the desks in her spot, so being a nice guy, I would switch them before she showed up so she would be happy, and I could sit closer to her. I finally drum up the courage to ask her out to Hundred Acres Manor, she says yes and life is good. It was my first date ever. With new clothes and a new found confidence, my parents pick her up and take us to the Haunted House. Upon arrival, ironically two of her friends are outside waiting in line.
Trying to be a nice guy, I invited them to join us. The entire time she is talking to her friends totally ignoring me. The only conversation we had was about the Counting Crows, and how I would buy her their newest CD because she loved them. So we go through the haunted house, my parents pick us up and we go to Eat N Park. There was no conversation during the remainder of the evening whatsoever. Bummed out, I avoided her for a little bit. While I was avoiding her, I came to find out through some friends that she told her friends that we were going out, and her friends felt the need to "save her from me," realizing that the coincidental encounter of her friends being at the same place as us was a set up. Since I had already promised her a CD, a few weeks later, I handed it to her and said "Here Ya Go, as promised."
Fish for dessert? - Submitted by anonymous female
I was set up on a blind date through one of my friends. Convinced that it may be worth trying, I decided to agree, and my friend coordinated everything. Our first, and last date started at a local chain restaurant. During dinner I couldn't help but notice that he was chewing his food a little weird. It was almost as if his teeth were shifting in some sort of way, but I couldn't tell if it was real, or just an illusion caused by the spectacular lighting that the restaurant had. I got my answer...Mid way through dinner, he proceeded to take his false teeth out and lay them on the table so that he could "give his gums a rest." I was in shock. He wasn't at all bad looking, so I was really confused as to why this was happening.
After I sat at the table staring at his chompers, and a little freaked out, I tried to make the best out of it and proceeded to ask him the "getting to know you" questions that are typical on any first date. It was at that moment that he mentioned, he was just recently released from jail for a crime I can't even remember because I was half paying attention once the words "recently and Jail" were used in one sentence. How could my friend do this to me? Was this a joke?
Prior to getting any history on this guy, I had agreed to let him drive. Once dinner was over, he then asked me if we could stop at Pet Smart real quick. Agreeing, unaware that we were running errands and not on a date anymore, he took me to Pet Smart where he purchased a fish. A pet fish?! Really? As I sat holding his new pet fish while he drove me back to my house, I realized that was the last blind date I let that friend set me up on. I was worried if he asked me out again, he would want to go to the zoo, and would try to steal a lion. I haven't heard from him since.
She drove me to drink...literally - submitted by Mike G.
I was set up on a blind date through a friend. It was a Sunday evening, and she lived 45 min away from me, but being a gentleman, I decided I would offer to come pick her up and we would go to the movies. She decided to have some southern comfort and sprite while waiting for me. As I was driving to her house, being that I am horrible with directions, I had called her to help me navigate in the right direction because I knew I was lost. Rather than being polite about it. she sounded slightly flustered and said "I just can't explain to you how to get here, figure it out on your own." So I was very late finding her house and by the time I got there she was slightly more drunk than I had envisioned for a normal Sunday Night Movie Date.
By the time we got to the Waterfront, we were late for the movie, so we decided to see the later show. Unfortunately, this meant we had to kill time at the bar. This resulted in me buying her several overpriced drinks at Loews and forcing me to drink so I could find her more interesting. By movie time she was wasted and clinging to my muscular arms (really Mike?) like Velcro. After the movie, and her still really drunk, I start thinking I'm gonna get a little Ew La La action. We went back to her place, and she led me in to her bedroom, where we started giving each other massages with these little massage thingies. With the massage putting me in the mood, I was ready to conquer. As I was getting ready to make a move, her roommate walks in. Unknown to me, she SHARED a 1 bedroom apartment with a roommate, so you can imagine my surprise when the roommate came home and my date informs me that her "share" time was up and I needed to leave. Can't say that I was upset about leaving. She never got a 2nd date.
In the Ghetto - Submitted by an anonymous female
When I was in my teens (honestly can't remember the actual age) I went on a blind date thanks to a friend. He picked me up we decided to go to Eat n Park in Sewickley to grab a bite to eat. The dinner conversation wasn't outstanding, it was more general "getting to know you" stuff. Just as the bill came, he tells me he forgot his wallet. I was dumbfounded. I couldn't tell if he was trying to get me to pay the bill, or if he really did in fact not have his wallet. He then wanted to dine and dash, but having morals, I told him to go home and get his wallet and I would wait there. (stupid I know) who's to say he wasn't going to leave me stranded there? (and this was before i had a cell phone ). About a half hr later, he shows up, pays the tabs and we leave. Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, we get in the car and move on to our next location.
He had mentioned to me he wanted to take me to one of his favorite places to hang out. While we are on our way to the "surprise" location, then proceeds to show me a gun that he keeps under the seat "for protection." Who the hell did my friend set me up with? At this point, all I wanted to do was just go home, he clearly was showing the signs of either being a gang banger or a drug dealer. To add the cherry to the topping of this superficial sundae, we the head to Linmar Terrace in Aliquippa! (For those of you that do not know the Beaver County Area, Linmar Terrace is Aliquippa's version of a Compton, CA neighborhood.) I was thankful that we were only "driving through" however in a failed attempt to impress me, he kept bragging about how all of his friends lived there and how he hangs out there all the time. By this point I was freaked out and begged him to take me home. On a whim, I made up an excuse as to why I needed to be home immediately and played the "I told my parents I wouldn't be out very long" card. For some unknown reason, the kid took me home, and dropped me off safe and sound. Seriously could have raped, kidnapped or murdered that day. That was my first and LAST blind date!!!
Wings and Strippers - Submitted by John B.
My date from hell consisted of buffalo wings and strippers, something most guys might call a dream date, but it isn’t as clear cut as it sounds. This may be the closest I will ever be, or ever want to be, to Tucker Max. While living in Virginia, a friend of a friend suggested a blind date. I reluctantly said yes. I picked the girl up, and she was more attractive than I expected, so I texted my back-up buddy that I didn’t need an immediate emergency excuse call. I did not plan accordingly for my date, and all of the restaurants that I was anticipating taking my date had ridiculous wait times. We then decided on Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner and drinks.
While dining at Buffalo Wild Wings, I ran into a cousin of one of my friends from PA, who lived in Virginia. I had not seen him in a few years, so he came over to the table to talk for quite a while. During the conversation, he revealed that Buffalo Wild Wings was the first stop of his bachelor party that had just started. He said, if he had known I was living in Virginia, he would have invited me. I am not sure if my date felt guilty at this point or what. She then said that I should go, and that she would find a ride home. I refused, because I really thought that would be rude. She then asked the groom-to-be if the bachelor party was headed to the strip clubs just across the VA-WV state line. He said it would be. This is where I should have parted ways with her, but for some reason the coolness factor of this girl went up 1000% when her eyes twinkled at the sound of strip club. She then said that we were attending the bachelor party strip club activities and my friend seemed as excited about this as she did. I did not fully think this through.
I am not a connoisseur of gentlemen’s clubs, but the strip clubs on the state line of West Virginia are far from being mistaken for gentlemen’s clubs. Virginia does not have strip clubs. A whole state full of perverts drive from Virginia to the border towns of West Virginia to see the first strip club that draws them in with a neon glow. I had more teeth in my mouth than the rest of the customers. I remember saying to myself when I walked in, “What the hell am I doing here?” Then, out of nowhere, my date points to a sign that says, “Amateur night.” No sooner did I say, “Are you kidding me?!?!” she was talking to the bouncer and being escorted up on stage. I started shaking my head as the bachelor party began cheering her on.
So yeah, I got to see my blind date naked on our first date. Unfortunately, she could not dance, and she invested a lot of money into that bra that made her look much more gifted than she had falsely advertised earlier. Think this is the worst part of my night yet? Guess again. She phoned a friend after her first set on stage. Her friend showed up about 35 grueling minutes later. During this period of time, I did not get to talk to my date, as she was being molested by rednecks and the bachelor party. I did get out of buying my date any more drinks for the evening, and she was turning a nice profit, but I was the fly on the wall during what started out as my date, and now became her audition.
Her friend showed up. At first her friend was saying, “I can’t believe you would do this?” and “What are you thinking?” and “Aren’t you on a date?” My date then showed her a wad of cash. Her friend’s morals went out the window and she crawled up on stage. This is where I saw my exit strategy form before my eyes. Her friend is here. I can bail and she has a ride home, as we were now about 45 minutes away from where she lived. I walked up to my date, said I was going to head home and wished her a good night. She was trashed at this point. She said, “You can’t leave us here.” “Us?” What do you mean “us?” It turns out, her friend got dropped off at the strip club. It also turns out that her friend can’t hold her alcohol and was already half trashed herself.
If anyone had morals in this story at any point, mine kicked in here. I was not about to leave two fairly attractive drunk girls in another state, 45 minutes from their house, especially after they had shown their goods to all of the local mouth-breathers. If they got raped and thrown in a ditch, I would never be able to forgive myself. I talked two very drunk girls out of the bar, having to hold one of them up on each side of my. The locals were not happy that I was taking away their entertainment. It was a struggle, but a round of beers with some of the cash I grabbed from the stripper profits were bought and I made my get-away. I only had one beer bottle thrown at my Expedition while pulling away.
Drunk girls in cars equals one of 4 things in my experience. (1) Very loud talking/squealing/screaming, none of which is coherent. (2) Passed out girls. (3) Crying girls. (4) Vomiting girls. Guess which jackpot I hit? I was pissed at this point. I got to my date’s house, now with two vomit covered, passed out girls. Carried my date to her door, opened it and threw her on her couch. Went back to my Expedition, picked up the crying, vomit covered girl in my back seat, carried her into my date’s house and threw her on the couch as well. My gentlemanly duties are now complete. I went home, threw away my now-vomit covered clothes into my washing machine, showered and went to bed.
Needless to say, I never called her back. I got an apology call the next day from my buddy for the situation that I was put into the night before. I never heard from or saw my date again. The bright side to this story is what happened the next day. I went to my Expedition with a garden hose, carpet cleaner and a shopvac to assess the damage. While I did have some vomit to clean, there were dollar bills all through my vehicle. It was enough to cover my bill from dinner the night before and the few beers I drank. While the date was a total loss, the experience did not hurt me financially.
Go Steelers - Submitted by Michael S.
I went to a Football game with a "supposed" hard core Steelers fan who claimed she new everything about football. We decided to grab a bite to eat before the game, and during dinner this girl is taking shots and drinking like a Kennedy. Before we even get in to Heinz Field is when her true colors started to sparkle. Belligerently drunk, she starts mouthing off the security guard informing him that she was a "puncher" if you get my drift. At any given random time during our date, I was not paying attention, she would randomly punch me in the arm, stomach and shoulder, and this was our first date. So we are on our way to our seats and bumps into a browns fan when her "inner thug "came out (hands in the air, making racial slurs and calling him a dog), meanwhile the guy was white and a browns fan. So security comes over and tells her to slow her role or she's going get ejected. Her reaction? "I don't give a fuuuuuck."
We finally get to our seats, and she calms down till about halftime. We get up to get some beers and she's says "We should smoke a joint over here by the ledge". After telling her there's no way I'm getting arrested, she proceeds to call me "pussy boy" for the rest of the evening. By the 4th quarter, she isn't even aware who our coach is, meanwhile the punching continues.. The last straw came when she overheard the Browns fan (the one from earlier) asking me why I let her hit me like that, to which her response was 1. to throw a drink in his face, 2. a lunge at him, 3. during the lunge her pants fell down exposing her bare ass and vagina to the crowd, and 4. security kicking her out. Realizing that she had drove, and I was now stranded at the Steeler game, I proceeded to call a cab and try to forget about what had just happened.
At 4 am, my phone rings, and it's a call from the Allegheny County Jail. The officer informs me that my "girlfriend" told him that I would be posting her bail, to which I bring him up to speed on the entire series of the day's events. After she somehow posted bail, I started receiving text messages every two minutes ranging from death threats to "I would of had sex with you if you would of bailed me out." The last straw was when her father called me trying to get me to reimburse him for the bail money since he claimed it was my fault she got that drunk. I filed a PFA the next day.
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