The Plenty of Fish Dance Experience

                A couple of weeks ago, I realized that I have a self diagnosed case of a "1/3 of a life crisis."  Even though I have over 6 months to go, during a drunken moment of clarity, I realized that my life is not even close to where I thought it would be.  Where I have a great job, financially stable, and no baggage, I always thought by this point in my life I would have someone to share things with, be a home owner, maybe a couple of kids and a dog, you know livin' the dream.  Since that moment, I had days where I was depressed, disconnecting myself from my friends, letting stupid things at work get to me, and even almost bought a new car with the hopes of giving myself a false sense of meaning.  I was hoping it was just me PMSing, however when it lasted longer than 2 weeks, I knew something was up.  Fortunately for me, with the help of friends and Vodka,  I was able to snap out of my funk.

                You see my love life has dwindled in to next to nothing lately.  The only guys that contact me are ones that think I'm going to invite them over to hang out at 1 am.  Were I used to be flattered, it has just become a total turn off, considering  I know they only want 1 thing.  As a test, I always ask these guys if they would much rather do things like go out to dinner on another day, or go out in public for that matter to confirm my suspicions.  The minute they laugh me off, or say no or suggest we go "drinking", that is when the attraction gets turned off for me, and any texts after that are just plain annoying and I become the one saying "No, thank you."

                One random Friday Night not too long ago (if you are my FB friend then you know exactly when it was), I was sitting at home alone, debating on whether  or not to make my way to the casino, alone...to throw my money away in a desperate attempt to make myself feel better.  That is when I got a picture text from Maria that changed the course of my Friday night.

                For whatever reason, she had sent me a picture of a Plenty of Fish Dance invite that was taking place in Carnegie.  Knowing that I had been down in the dumps, she immediately called me and wanted to see if I wanted to go, knowing it would end up turning in to great blog material.  Boy was she right....  Looking at the guests that RSVP, the average age range was roughly 50.  Knowing what we were getting ourselves in to, we decided to run with it.  I put on a cute little party dress, made my way to Maria's and with Maria's boyfriend, Kevin at the ready, we made our way to Carnegie.

                As we pulled up to the designated location, we immediately discovered that this "dance" was in a church banquet hall.  Finding it interesting, we noticed that that parking lot was full.  As Maria, Kevin and I tried to figure out if there were actually a lot of people at this event, or if it was the "Kamakazie's" effect, we made our way to the door.

                side note:  The Kamakazie's effect is based on a bar in WV that we used to go to growing up.  Every time we would go there, the parking lot would be full, yet when we would walk inside there would be 20 people in the bar.   This meant that those 20 people would drive themselves to the bar, giving off the illusion to people driving past that the place was busy, when in fact it wasn't.

                As we entered the door, we were greeted by an older gentleman with gray hair.  Looking around the room, I instantly felt like I was in a real life AARP advertisement.  The median age of the 60 people at this dance was roughly 55.   As we paid the $8.00 cover, the gray haired gentleman then directed us to a table to sign up for "door prizes."  The door prize table consisted of the following: an $8.99 bottle of Yellow tail Wine, a plate of cookies someone baked, a gift card to some unknown place, and an AM/FM digital clock radio.  I was all for the clock radio, I mean come on you can never have one too many.

                Looking around the room, it was set up like a typical church hall Beaver County wedding.  There were round tables that sat 8 people, had table cloths and chips/cookies on them, and did I mention it was in a church banquet hall?  All eyes were on us as we searched for a 3 seats, together, preferably at an empty table.   Very rarely do I ever get uncomfortable about anything, however this was probably the first time in my life that I felt uncomfortable making heads turn.  As I watched the Cougars, Obese Woman and Grandcougars scowl at us, the Gray Haired men, Manther's  and real life versions of Glenn Quagmires were licking their lips as if their 4:30 dinner included free Apple Pie. 

                With 70s music blaring, and most of the geriatric parade out on the dance floor, we found an empty table (or so we thought) that was near the back of the room.  We sat down when out of nowhere a 50 something blonde hair women sits down.  Looking at us as if we were a threat to her chances of getting laid, she meanly told us that all the seats were taken.   We then proceeded to find a table in the very back of the room, sitting with two women, who turned out to be the coolest people ever.

                Their names were M and B (names have been shortened for privacy reasons).  B had just recently gotten out of a relationship and M was single, but more there for moral support.  I would guess they were in their mid to late 50s. Immediately I started asking them questions about POF and how they felt about it.  This was a BYOB event, so Maria brought some wine and we began the "getting to know our new friends" process.   That's when the excitement started...

                Within 20 minutes of being there, the DJ slowed it down, with some great slow songs from the 60s.  As we watched the parade make its way to the dance floor, we noticed that there was a lot of slow dancing going on.  Being the old man to old woman ratio was about 1 guy for every 4 women, by the first set of slow songs, looking around the room, there were only about 4 guys not dancing.  Once the Dj put on some more 70s music, Maria, Kevin and myself made our way to the dance floor.

                Kevin had decided not to reveal himself as a paramedic, in case there was a heart attack or a hip breaking incident because it was his first night off in a while, so if anyone asked, he sold insurance...car insurance and that was the story.  In order to prevent any turf wars with the cougars, Maria and I decided rather than to shake our asses like strippers, we would dumb ourselves down and do dances like the twist, and the sprinkler.  For once, not drawing attention to ourselves was the name of the game.  At one point I was convinced the DJ was conspiring against us, because he would play a song like "Staying Alive" and then switch things up to "Ridin' Solo."  I've accomplished some things in my life, but no one will ever understand how fucking hard it is to do the twist to a contemporary ass shaking song. 

                After 5 dance songs, the DJ played more slow ones, convincing myself that I was not at a singles mixer anymore, but I was at a wedding.  Our group of 5 decided to reclaim our table and sit out "Ladies Choice."  Upon arriving back at our table, our 2 new friends were greeted by a younger guy (who turned out to be 35) but he had the beard of a lumber jack and the body of a semi pro professional eater.  He took a liking to M.  The proceeded to chat each other up for a good 10 minutes, before we excused ourselves to go outside to cool off from the room that was filled with the stench of old spice and moth balls.  M and B joined us shortly after with their new "friend."  After he left, M proceeds to tell us about their conversation.  This "fellow" POF'er told her in the middle of their conversation that he would love to take her out sometime, but only if he could suck on her toes later...

                Trying not to laugh, I revealed the true reason that I was at this event.  I told them about this blog and how I enjoy exposing how stupid people can be.  They thought it was great, and we proceeded to exchange our stories about messages that we received, dates we had been on, it was at that moment that I felt like I had met the version of my future self in these women.  According to them, where the messages that I receive are somewhat vulgar, the messages that they receive are just as bad.  They got everything from 70 year olds asking what cup size they were, to 50 year old men asking them to fuck.  I instantly felt connected to them.

                When we walked back in to the room, to hear yet another set of slow songs playing, Maria and I gazed at the dance floor and almost fell over.  There were at least 5-6 couples that were literally making out on the dance floor.  Maria coined the sumM of the evening.  She turned to me and said, "Geez, this is like an old people fuckfest."  Laughing hysterically, and finally an upbeat song being played, the 5 of us made our way back on to the dance floor to "cut another rug."

                After playing 2 songs, it was now time for the door prizes to be awarded.  As we made our way back to the table, the three of us had a very religious experience.   Where I don't attend church hardly ever, and have never really been in to religion, I turned to god praying that I would not win a door prize.  Being a dumbass swept up at the allure of actually winning something, instead of using a fake name and email address, I retardedly put my own information on the slip of paper to enter to win.  I immediately started praying to god that for once in my life, I don't want to win something.  Normally I never win anything to begin with, however I figured that with my dumb luck they would call my name where I would have to walk up on stage in front of everyone, at which they would know my identity.  Of course the miserable old lady who kicked us out of the first table, won the bottle of wine.  Then 2 other names were called for random prizes.   Kevin, Maria and I then engaged in a group prayer session with the hopes that our names wouldn't be called.  It was down to the 2nd to last prize when all of a sudden the dj started stuttering at the name that was on the paper..  mman..mmanddd.. We were waiting for it, our heart stopped as we were waiting for him to announce Maria's name.  "I can't read this handwriting," the dj said.  Then he went from a name that was similar to Maria's last name to something completely different, to which the three of us let out a huge sigh of relief.

                I'm not a big wine drinker, never really have been a fan, however I felt the need to consume alot of it in order to loosen up.  As we were raising our glasses, dancing and praising Toby Keith's "Red Solo Cup," we were approached by the event host, who yelled at us for drinking on the dance floor.  "These are hard wood floors, come on guys," he said with a disappointed tone.  "I don't see a sign, nor was there an announcement made that drinks are not allowed on the dance floor," I said to him.  "Guys I would just appreciate if you drink at the table, I don't want to ruin this church's floor."  he said.  "Whatever," I said irritated.  Clearly he forgot that we do not know the meaning of hardwood floors because we are not 60 and that is not a priority on our "grown up" list of responsibilities, but who would think one would get yelled at for drinking, wine, of all things in a church.  If Jesus finds it acceptable to drink wine in a church, I'm sure he's ok with it spilling on the hardwood floor. 

                Trying not to let the doushy coordinator get me down, that is when I knew Jesus had my back.  Moments later, a visibly drunk older woman (55+) was getting ready to dance with the drunken grandpa of her dreams, when she missed the step to the dance floor and fell flat on her ass.  The gentleman helped her up, she shook it off and proceeded to do the "Grease Medley" dance. 

                After another 5 songs fast, then 2 slow, we made our way outside to cool off yet again when we saw our new 35 year old friend standing outside smoking a cig.  We weren't talking to him, he was standing alone, swaying due to the Wild Turkey self induced coma that he had put himself in, when it happened.  A 50+ cougar with red hair walked up to him.  They literally talked for about 15 seconds before they started making out.    I'm guessing the conversation went something like this from the cougars perspective, "Hi.  I'm drunk, your young and hot want to make out?" <insert kiss here>.  Stunned at what we had just witnessed, we decided to leave them alone and go back in and sit down.    With slow songs till playing and Kevin feeling sweet, he decided to ask B to slow dance.   Maria and I kept M company as they made their way to the dance floor. 

                Maria and Kevin were playing it super cool that night, not alluding to the fact they were dating, so you can imagine Maria's shock when M turned to her and said, "B can't go home with your friend tonight because she is my driver."  Maria, trying to keep a straight face turns to me to fill me in on what was going on, to which I started laughing uncontrollably. 

                It was at that point my phone started ringing so I excused myself from the table to go outside to hear.  I decided to let it go straight to voicemail when I saw the 35 year old standing outside alone.  We had been watching to see what was going on, and he hadn't came back inside since our last trip outside.  Again, swaying he looks at me and says, "Oh Shit, my shirt is on inside out."  I instantly started interrogating him, because inquiring minds want to know..."Did you go to her car? or yours?  Did you get a BJ or did you get laid my friend?" I asked.  "I don't kiss and tell," he said.  My reply to his pussy answer was, "Well sounds to me like you got more than a BJ if your shirt was on inside out, because the last time I checked a BJ doesn't require removal of a shirt."  He drunkenly grinned at me, and without saying the words directly, he set my mind at ease knowing that he did in fact bang a cougar in a car.

                Running back to the table to share this experience with everyone, you would of thought that we had just entered a bad 70's soap opera entitled "The Young and the Geriatric".  The 35 year old made his way to the side of the dance floor where he instantly turned in to "that guy" that lurks in the corner and just sits and watches a girl he likes dance.  To all of our surprise, within the 10 minutes of all of this going on, she had moved on, to another guy closer to her age, that she was started making out with on the dance floor. 

                It was at this point, that we decided we had seen enough.  I had not won the clock radio I had so hoped to win, and said goodbye to our new friends M and B, and made our way to the door.  We were walking down the steps of the hall, when we were practically chased down by the event coordinator.  Thinking he was going to bring up again the lecture on "Why hardwood floors should be treated with respect," he then proceeds to interrogate us about our experience.  I said very few words, being still angry at yelling at me for the wine incident, so Maria and Kevin proceeded to engage in conversation with him.  Little did I know, not only was he aged like a fine wine, but he was also a Captain.  Captain obvious that is...

                He looks at us and says that we were the youngest people there.  No shit ya think?  And then proceeds to tell us how he doesn't like to promote it to "younger" singles because if he did he would have to pay for security and he wouldn't want things to get out of hand.  Being that I am in marketing, It took every bone in my body not to make a comment along the lines of, "Well from what I saw tonight, I think this would be a great event for Viagra to sponsor."

                As we left, trying to absorb every what the fuck moment the night had brought to us, on the ride home my mind started wandering...

                Really, this event was no different than going to a Jimmy D's or a Bar Room on a Friday night, with the exception that everyone in the room made it know that they were single.  I've been that cougar, walking up to random guys making out with them (of course within a 5 year age limit), that drunk girl that falls on her ass, only to bounce back up and capture some drunk guys attention, but more importantly, being "that girl" that knows looking for love in a bar is about as effective as an expired batch of birth control, every time I do go out, in the back of my mind I have hope for that chance encounter of meeting someone that I could share my life with. 

                With all that, I think the hardest reality to swallow is that where I think dating  is bad now in my generation, if this event was a reflection of my future in 30 years, I will be basically doing everything that I do now, except with a new set of hips and possibly knees.  Where some of those men and women were clearly looking for a one night stand, there were some people that were genuinely hopeful in finding love that night in a church hall.  It takes balls to show up at an event, where you put yourself out there and you're not just a profile but an actual person.  I wish them all the best of luck in whatever they are looking for, yet I think I will put my love life in fate and not the internet's hands...

Keepin' it real

-Shelby

               

Just when I thought I had it bad

            For as much as I blog about emotionally retarded individuals, I also provide proof of them via dating websites and emails.  Where I have experienced many tools and douchebags in my life time, it's no wonder that I have changed my outlook on relationships and dating. I am just the only one with the balls to bring how terrible the dating scene in Pittsburgh is, so it's expected that people assume that I am either a bitch or a negative Nancy.  I've accepted that 95% of the men I meet do not want a relationship, they just want to get their rocks off, and where I still find it pathetic and dumb, I've accepted societies changing views and my faith in humanity wears thin. 

            One question that I absolutely hate getting asked is "Why are you single?"  That's like asking a blind person if they are wearing matching socks.  Most of the time, depending on my mood, my usual reply is "I'm currently dating 2 men at this time, one is named Mr. Duracell and the other is Mr. Energizer."  Being single is not a disease, it's a choice (it's even harder explaining this to your married/in a relationship friends, because they don't know what it's like in the real world of dating.)

            I had thought about starting my very own singles support group.  Where people could share their horror stories about dating, experiences and whatnot, but then decided that would be too much of a commitment.  In the last 5 years, the only thing I have been able to commit to is a long distance carrier.  Then I had a thought, rather than overexposing my entire life, what if I gave others the chance to share their horror stories. 

High School Blues - Submitted by Brandon M.

It was sophmore year in Math Class.  Feeling confident, I had my eyes set on 3 girls.  I ended up going after the one that sat behind me, so for like 3 weeks, I would purposely change the desks around because the janitor kept putting the desks in her spot, so being a nice guy, I would switch them before she showed up so she would be happy, and I could sit closer to her.  I finally drum up the courage to ask her out to Hundred Acres Manor, she says yes and life is good.  It was my first date ever.  With new clothes and a new found confidence, my parents pick her up and take  us to the Haunted House.  Upon arrival, ironically two of her friends are outside waiting in line. 

            Trying to be a nice guy, I invited them to join us. The entire time she is talking to her friends totally ignoring me. The only conversation we had was about the Counting Crows, and how I would buy her their newest CD because she loved them.  So we go through the haunted house, my parents pick us up and we go to Eat N Park.  There was no conversation during the remainder of the evening whatsoever.  Bummed out, I avoided her for a little bit.  While I was avoiding her, I came to find out through some friends that she told her friends that we were going out, and her friends felt the need to "save her from me," realizing that the coincidental encounter of her friends being at the same place as us was a set up.  Since I had already promised her a CD, a few weeks later, I handed it to her and said "Here Ya Go, as promised."

Fish for dessert? - Submitted by anonymous female

            I was set up on a blind date through one of my friends.  Convinced that it may be worth trying, I decided to agree, and my friend coordinated everything.  Our first, and last date started at a local chain restaurant.  During dinner I couldn't help but notice that he was chewing his food a little weird.  It was almost as if his teeth were shifting in some sort of way, but I couldn't tell if it was real, or just an illusion caused by the spectacular lighting that the restaurant had.  I got my answer...Mid way through dinner, he proceeded to take his false teeth out and lay them on the table so that he could "give his gums a rest."  I was in shock.  He wasn't at all bad looking, so I was really confused as to why this was happening.

            After I sat at the table staring at his chompers, and a little freaked out, I tried to make the best out of it and proceeded to ask him the "getting to know you" questions that are typical on any first date.  It was at that moment that he mentioned, he was just recently released from jail for a crime I can't even remember because I was half paying attention once the words "recently and Jail" were used in one sentence.  How could my friend do this to me?  Was this a joke? 

            Prior to getting any history on this guy, I had agreed to let him drive.  Once dinner was over, he then asked me if we could stop at Pet Smart real quick.  Agreeing, unaware that we were running errands and not on a date anymore, he took me to Pet Smart where he purchased a fish.   A pet fish?!  Really?  As I sat holding his new pet fish while he drove me back to my house, I realized that was the last blind date I let that friend set me up on.  I was worried if he asked me out again, he would want to go to the zoo, and would try to steal a lion.  I haven't heard from him since.

She drove me to drink...literally - submitted by Mike G.

            I was set up on a blind date through a friend.  It was a Sunday evening, and she lived 45 min away from me, but being a gentleman, I decided I would offer to come pick her up and we would go to the movies.  She decided to have some southern comfort and sprite while waiting for me. As I was driving to her house, being that I am horrible with directions, I had called her to help me navigate in the right direction because I knew I was lost.  Rather than being polite about it. she sounded slightly flustered and said "I just can't explain to you how to get here, figure it out on your own."  So I was very late finding her house and by the time I got there she was slightly more drunk than I had envisioned for a normal Sunday Night Movie Date. 

             By the time we got to the Waterfront, we were late for the movie,  so we decided to see the later show.  Unfortunately, this meant we had to kill time at the bar.  This resulted in me buying her several overpriced drinks at Loews and forcing me to drink so I could find her more interesting.  By movie time she was wasted and clinging to my muscular arms (really Mike?) like Velcro.  After the movie, and her still really drunk, I start thinking I'm gonna get a little Ew La La action.  We went back to her place, and she led me in to her bedroom, where we started giving each other massages with these little massage thingies.  With the massage putting me in the mood, I was ready to conquer.  As I was getting ready to make a move, her roommate walks in.  Unknown to me, she SHARED a 1 bedroom apartment with a roommate, so you can imagine my surprise when the roommate came home and my date informs me that her "share" time was up and I needed to leave.  Can't say that I was upset about leaving. She never got a 2nd date.

In the Ghetto - Submitted by an anonymous female

            When I was in my teens (honestly can't remember the actual age) I went on a blind date thanks to a friend. He picked me up we decided to go to Eat n Park in Sewickley to grab a bite to eat.  The dinner conversation wasn't outstanding, it was more general "getting to know you" stuff.  Just as the bill came, he tells me he forgot his wallet.  I was dumbfounded.  I couldn't tell if he was trying to get me to pay the bill, or if he really did in fact not have his wallet.   He then wanted to dine and dash, but having morals, I told him to go home and get his wallet and I would wait there. (stupid I know) who's to say he wasn't going to leave me stranded there? (and this was before i had a cell phone ). About a half hr later, he shows up, pays the tabs and we leave. Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, we get in the car and move on to our next location. 

            He had mentioned to me he wanted to take me to one of his favorite places to hang out.  While we are on our way to the "surprise" location, then proceeds to show me a gun that he keeps under the seat "for protection."   Who the hell did my friend set me up with?  At this point, all I wanted to do was just go home, he clearly was showing the signs of either being a gang banger or a drug dealer.  To add the cherry to the topping of this superficial sundae, we the head to Linmar Terrace in Aliquippa! (For those of you that do not know the Beaver County Area, Linmar Terrace is Aliquippa's version of a Compton, CA neighborhood.)   I was thankful that we were only "driving through" however in a failed attempt to impress me, he kept bragging about how all of his friends lived there and how he hangs out there all the time. By this point I was freaked out and begged him to take me home. On a whim, I made up an excuse as to why I needed to be home immediately and played the "I told my parents I wouldn't be out very long" card. For some unknown reason, the kid took me home, and dropped me off safe and sound. Seriously could have raped, kidnapped or murdered that day. That was my first and LAST blind date!!!

Wings and Strippers - Submitted by John B.

My date from hell consisted of buffalo wings and strippers, something most guys might call a dream date, but it isn’t as clear cut as it sounds.  This may be the closest I will ever be, or ever want to be, to Tucker Max.  While living in Virginia, a friend of a friend suggested a blind date.  I reluctantly said yes.  I picked the girl up, and she was more attractive than I expected, so I texted my back-up buddy that I didn’t need an immediate emergency excuse call.  I did not plan accordingly for my date, and all of the restaurants that I was anticipating taking my date had ridiculous wait times.  We then decided on Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner and drinks. 

            While dining at Buffalo Wild Wings, I ran into a cousin of one of my friends from PA, who lived in Virginia.  I had not seen him in a few years, so he came over to the table to talk for quite a while.  During the conversation, he revealed that Buffalo Wild Wings was the first stop of his bachelor party that had just started.  He said, if he had known I was living in Virginia, he would have invited me.  I am not sure if my date felt guilty at this point or what.  She then said that I should go, and that she would find a ride home.  I refused, because I really thought that would be rude.  She then asked the groom-to-be if the bachelor party was headed to the strip clubs just across the VA-WV state line.  He said it would be.  This is where I should have parted ways with her, but for some reason the coolness factor of this girl went up 1000% when her eyes twinkled at the sound of strip club.  She then said that we were attending the bachelor party strip club activities and my friend seemed as excited about this as she did.  I did not fully think this through.

            I am not a connoisseur of gentlemen’s clubs, but the strip clubs on the state line of West Virginia are far from being mistaken for gentlemen’s clubs.  Virginia does not have strip clubs.  A whole state full of perverts drive from Virginia to the border towns of West Virginia to see the first strip club that draws them in with a neon glow.  I had more teeth in my mouth than the rest of the customers.  I remember saying to myself when I walked in, “What the hell am I doing here?”  Then, out of nowhere, my date points to a sign that says, “Amateur night.”  No sooner did I say, “Are you kidding me?!?!” she was talking to the bouncer and being escorted up on stage.  I started shaking my head as the bachelor party began cheering her on. 

            So yeah, I got to see my blind date naked on our first date.  Unfortunately, she could not dance, and she invested a lot of money into that bra that made her look much more gifted than she had falsely advertised earlier.  Think this is the worst part of my night yet?  Guess again.  She phoned a friend after her first set on stage.  Her friend showed up about 35 grueling minutes later.  During this period of time, I did not get to talk to my date, as she was being molested by rednecks and the bachelor party.  I did get out of buying my date any more drinks for the evening, and she was turning a nice profit, but I was the fly on the wall during what started out as my date, and now became her audition. 

            Her friend showed up.  At first her friend was saying, “I can’t believe you would do this?” and “What are you thinking?” and “Aren’t you on a date?”  My date then showed her a wad of cash.  Her friend’s morals went out the window and she crawled up on stage.  This is where I saw my exit strategy form before my eyes.  Her friend is here.  I can bail and she has a ride home, as we were now about 45 minutes away from where she lived.  I walked up to my date, said I was going to head home and wished her a good night.  She was trashed at this point.  She said, “You can’t leave us here.”  “Us?”  What do you mean “us?”  It turns out, her friend got dropped off at the strip club.  It also turns out that her friend can’t hold her alcohol and was already half trashed herself. 

            If anyone had morals in this story at any point, mine kicked in here.  I was not about to leave two fairly attractive drunk girls in another state, 45 minutes from their house, especially after they had shown their goods to all of the local mouth-breathers.  If they got raped and thrown in a ditch, I would never be able to forgive myself.  I talked two very drunk girls out of the bar, having to hold one of them up on each side of my.  The locals were not happy that I was taking away their entertainment.  It was a struggle, but a round of beers with some of the cash I grabbed from the stripper profits were bought and I made my get-away.  I only had one beer bottle thrown at my Expedition while pulling away. 

            Drunk girls in cars equals one of 4 things in my experience.  (1) Very loud talking/squealing/screaming, none of which is coherent.  (2) Passed out girls. (3) Crying girls. (4) Vomiting girls.  Guess which jackpot I hit?  I was pissed at this point.  I got to my date’s house, now with two vomit covered, passed out girls.  Carried my date to her door, opened it and threw her on her couch.  Went back to my Expedition, picked up the crying, vomit covered girl in my back seat, carried her into my date’s house and threw her on the couch as well.  My gentlemanly duties are now complete.  I went home, threw away my now-vomit covered clothes into my washing machine, showered and went to bed.

            Needless to say, I never called her back.  I got an apology call the next day from my buddy for the situation that I was put into the night before.  I never heard from or saw my date again.  The bright side to this story is what happened the next day.  I went to my Expedition with a garden hose, carpet cleaner and a shopvac to assess the damage.  While I did have some vomit to clean, there were dollar bills all through my vehicle.  It was enough to cover my bill from dinner the night before and the few beers I drank.  While the date was a total loss, the experience did not hurt me financially.

Go Steelers - Submitted by Michael S.

            I went to a Football game with a "supposed" hard core  Steelers fan who claimed she new everything about football. We decided to grab a bite to eat before the game, and during dinner this girl is taking shots and drinking like a Kennedy. Before we even get in to Heinz Field is when her true colors started to sparkle.  Belligerently drunk, she starts mouthing off the security guard informing him that she was a "puncher" if you get my drift.  At any given random time during our date, I was not paying attention, she would randomly punch me in the arm, stomach and shoulder, and this was our first date.  So we are on our way to our seats and bumps into a browns fan when her "inner thug "came out (hands in the air, making racial slurs and calling him a dog), meanwhile the guy was white and a browns fan.  So security comes over and tells her to slow her role or she's going get ejected.  Her reaction?  "I don't give a fuuuuuck."

           

            We finally get to our seats, and she calms down till about halftime.  We get up to get some beers and she's says "We should smoke a joint over here by the ledge".  After telling her there's no way I'm getting arrested, she proceeds to call me "pussy boy" for the rest of the evening.  By the 4th quarter, she isn't even aware who our coach is, meanwhile the punching continues..  The last straw came when she overheard the Browns fan (the one from earlier) asking me why I let her hit me like that, to which her response was 1. to throw a drink in his face, 2. a lunge at him, 3. during the lunge her pants fell down exposing her bare ass and vagina to the crowd, and 4. security kicking her out.  Realizing that she had drove, and I was now stranded at the Steeler game, I proceeded to call a cab and try to forget about what had just happened. 

           

            At 4 am, my phone rings, and it's a call from the Allegheny County Jail.  The officer informs me that my "girlfriend" told him that I would be posting her bail, to which I bring him up to speed on the entire series of the day's events.  After she somehow posted bail, I started receiving text messages every two minutes ranging from death threats to "I would of had sex with you if you would of bailed me out."  The last straw was when her father called me trying to get me to reimburse him for the bail money since he claimed it was my fault she got that drunk.  I filed a PFA the next day.

Special thank you to all those who submitted their stories!

Keeping it real -

Shelby

Another Shot at Love - Craigslist Style

                Being that I haven't written about Craigslist for a while, I decided to revisit it to see if things have gotten any better, and it hasn't.  One thing that most people aren't smart enough to figure out is that if you are a true internet stalker and the information is available, people don't have to send you a picture, you can look up their email address via Facebook.  So some guys that didn't send me pictures, I was still able to find via Facebook, which makes it even more weirder.  I posted the following pictureless ad:      

Hello. Thanks for reading my ad. I am a 29 year old girl who has been single for a little over 5 years, and where I enjoy the single life, it does get a bit old not having some consistency in my life. I'm a normal average girl. I have a job, a car, an apartment, no children, and have no drama (other than like the normal girl stuff my friends get me in to). I am 5'5, brown eyes, brown hair, about 130. According to those that know me, I'm funny, sarcastic, sweet, slightly immature and a non-sugar coater. I am real! The Oscars are on tonight! Send a pic if you would like, if not that's fine too.

Thanks
    

I posted this ad at 7:30 P.M on Sunday 2/26.  As of Monday 2/27 at 8:00 p.m. I have received the following:

124 messages

13 phone numbers

2 replies from people that I actually know

1 dick picture

Here are some of my favorite messages that I would now like to share with you....

Hey the single life does get out I been single since 08. So what do we do from here I'm new to all this add stuff. Let's c I'm 5'8 200 lbs full blood italian man that wants to find that one that makes me want to come home from work if u know what I mean

Dear Mario –

            According to your FB profile, which is the new law of the land, you just got out of a relationship on January 24^th of this year.  So with that being said, your first sentence is a lie.  Knowing that you are lying in a failed attempt to make me feel better about my own personal life already makes me hate you.  Clearly, by looking at your profile picture that shows you with 3 young children, I’m going to assume that you are not in fact “Uncle of the Year,” but are probably divorced.  You also fail to mention your age.  Thank goodness for Facebook to allow me to find out that you graduated high school in 91’ making you roughly 38-39.  No, I really don’t know what you mean by finding someone that “makes you want to come home from work.”  Unless you work part time as a mansion house sitter, I don’t see why you have troubles wanting to come home unless when you were married, going home for you was about as exciting as a blind man going to see a silent movie.   

......Are you still single?
I mean most girls I know who are close to your age are already saying that they are too oldand ready to settle down but you are out there still free... that just means you haven't found the oone that mists blows your mind or you're a lil player... I'm hoping its the first I mentioned ...anyways if you are interested in getting to know someone unique then you should drop everything you're to meet me! ,:)

Send u a pic next time if you answer I guess

Dear Cheshire Cat –

            It’s not your curiosity that is killing me, it’s the fact that you managed to offend me in 3 of the 6 sentences you sent me.  Does everything that comes out of your mouth repel women, or is it just when you are trying to win them over in your valiant internet wooing efforts? Yes you dumbass, nothing has changed in the past 15 hours since I posted this ad to make me not be single.  Internet dating does not work that quickly, however I’m sure based on the idiotic message you sent me, you probably think that unicorns are real and believe in love at first type.  After looking up your FB profile, I notice 2 things.  1. I am actually quite shocked that your message to me was not in broken English, and 2. I can’t pinpoint how old you are but I’m going to guess you are younger, considering my next point.  Here is a tip, if you are going to use the term “close to your age,” the only acceptable way to contextualize it would be “I have a brother/sister that is close to your age.”  Using that phase in any other context is basically telling a girl “my age” everything that her married friends, mother, aunt and concerned gay friends already tell her.  I do not need to be told from a total stranger that my well is slowly drying up.  I’m not exactly what a “mists blows your mind” is exactly, but it reminds me of a swimming pool massacre.   If I were a player, do you really think I would turn to Craigslist of all places to find anyone worth “playing?”  I’d have better luck playing the “What eating disorder does this Victoria’s Secret model have” game. 

interested in getting to know a good looking 29 year old married guy?

Dear Married Guy,

            Thank you for proving that marriage is no longer viewed as scared.  Why the fuck would I want to get to know you if your married?  I don’t care how “good looking” you say you are, you are about as useless to me as an expired condom.  I was unaware that when posting my ad, I had to make it idiot proof by requesting that only single guys respond.  If you are in need of female attention that bad, go to a strip club or hire a hooker.  I really hope that karma comes back around full circle in the form of a fat, desperate stage 5 clinger that stalks the hell out of you until your wife finds out what you have been up to.  If you have that much disrespect for your wife to be responding to Craigslist personal ads, I can only imagine what the outcome of this relationship would be.  You really make me want to start my own "Cheaters" reality tv show, except on my show, your wife gets to castrate you on camera, tool.

I no how u fee I have been single well all my life I hope to hear from you soon

Dear Solo Rider

            Where I am saddened to hear that you have been single your whole life, I don't really feel that this message has any "wow" factor to get me to respond.  The best way I can put your life in to perspective is by considering you to be in the "puppy" stage of your love life.  Maybe if Maybe if I were 18 again and had the time and energy to housebreak you, teach you how to be independent, and show you some tricks, I would consider dating you, however I am way past my breaking point.  Openly admitting to being single your entire life leads me to believe that you use the internet solely for the purpose of finding a significant other.  I'm sure you have probably messaged me several times on the 20 other websites that you are on, and probably wrote me a book about your sob story of a life without love.  Instead of hoping to find a girlfriend via Craigslist why don't you stop playing World of Warcraft, shower, leave your parents basement and become a person that actually goes out with real friends (Farmville buddies do not count).  Also, you may want to consider getting a GED, because your communication skills are a bit off.  "I no how you fee" sounds like something I would hear from a Jamaican Psychic hotline.

Hello 29 year old single

Want to meet a caring, honest. never

married 45 year old established, swm

Then look no further for the moment and check my

lifestyle out.

seeking pretty laid back gal for Ltr with possible

marriage with the right woman.

PS

I fuck well, and have been retired for a good many years.

Send pic so your new man can check you out.

Dear Well-Fucker

            There are many reasons that you have been single for 45 years, however for time’s sake, I will only reflect on several.  I don’t even want to know about your profession; considering you are 45 and have been retired for “a good many years” it leads me to believe that you are a either a retired drug dealer, porn star or gigolo.  I would not be surprised if you rocked a pornstache in the 80’s while doing lines of coke off of strippers’ asses.  When you mention your “lifestyle” I can only imagine what that maybe.  You probably are a gold card member to a swingers club who beats off in the bathroom knowing you are not even a drunk girls last resort.  You would be better off going to an AA meeting or a rehab center to meet “the right woman.”  The fact that you claim to “fuck well,” leads me to believe that some dumb bitch that slept with you developed a case of cock envy after looking in to your wallet, and stroked not only your dick, but your ego too.  Clearly you have convinced yourself that every girl you slept with truly had an orgasm, when in reality probably faked it to keep your spirits up.  The only picture that I would send you, is a picture of a Summer’s Eve brand douche, this way you can see a reflection of yourself through your new girls eyes.

So in conclusion, where I am seeing less perverts on Craigslist, it has now shifted to the super desperate and lonely, and the demographic is changing as well.  40% of the messages I received were from men 35+.  Keep it up Craigslist, or I will run out of things to blog about!

Keepin it real -

Shelby

Awkward Moments

                Believe it or not, there have been times in my life were situations have left me absolutely speechless.  In almost all of these occasions, rather than making things less weird, I have a tendency to make them even more awkward.  You may think that being outspoken and quick witted, I can keep my composure in almost any situation.  These are some moments where rather than shutting up, I instantly put my foot in my mouth.

The Chiropractor

                Being "that girl,"  I managed to give myself a fantastic lower muscle back spasm courtesy of Nintendo Wii Fit's Yoga.  After going to my primary doctor who is Mr. Anti Pain Killer prescriber, he suggested that I go to a chiropractor.  I wanted to go somewhere within the city, so my old boss suggested his chiropractor and I was more than willing to go, since he made my search easy for me.  When I walked in to the waiting room, I didn't know what to expect.  I found it really weird that there were women of all ages, dressed as if they were attending a fashion show, sitting in a doctor's office and here's me in a pair of sweat pants, hoodie and quite possibly hadn't showered in 24 hours.  After my initial tests were performed by the nurse, I was lead to the waiting room to await the doctor and the results.  Then it happened.  Out from behind the curtain walks this tall, dark skinned, Italian man with a body like a brick shit house.  I'm talking like Joe Magnello from True Blood style.  Thinking he was a patient, I stuck my nose in a magazine and continued to undress him with my eyes when he was not looking.  Next thing I know this gorgeous man is calling my name.  "Am I dreaming?  Shelby, you need to snap out of it.  How on earth does he know my name?  This is fate Shelby, it's your time."  Then it dawned on me..."Fuck he is the Chiropractor."

                 As he greeted me with a warm smile, I was completely and utterly tongue tied.  I think I managed to spit out my name, as I was experiencing my first hot flash ever.  He walks me in to the room, where he begins to tell me my problem area's.  The whole time he is talking, I am doing nothing but thinking about our wedding, what our kids would look like, and if he is as good in bed as I am imagining.  He then proceeds to start the session with a bit of man handing aka back cracking.  After the first crack he asked me how it felt, and caught up in the moment of having his hands all over me I blurted out something along the lines of "This is the first time I have felt the touch of a man in quite some time, so far it's worth the $15 co-pay."  I don't think that was the answer that he was looking for, as he stared at me a little awkwardly with a slight smile. 

                He then proceeded to turn me over and straddle me to stretch out my neck.  Ok I know he's teasing me now.  His package was literally inches away from my blushing face and it took every bone in my body not to motorboat the shit out of his balls.  While this is going on, he asked me something like "So what do you enjoy doing", as to which I blurted out " I am enjoying this greatly"   He then turned me on my side and stuck his muscular knee on my side and pressed down hard. All I kept hoping for was that this was a bad porno, and eventually he was going to just ravish me on the table...Unfortunately he did not.  After the session, he looked at me and suggested that I come back 3 times a week in order to get things corrected.  I looked at him and thinking I was sly blurted out, "Well if you want to see me that often, you don't have to use my spasm as an excuse."  I was at strike three, I knew I needed to just stop talking.  I went back 2 more times, only to find out that he was married and had children.  Once finding out this crucial information, I never returned. 

The Business Trip            

                My company sent me to NYC for 2 weeks to prepare for our upcoming marketing year.  I had been cooped up in a hotel room for the entire time and was looking forward to finally coming home.  The amazing thing about NYC is I always managed to the craziest shuttle drivers that get me to the airport in a ridiculously fast amount of time.  I had arrived to LaGuardia Airport 2.5 hours before my scheduled flight.  Being tired, moody and looking like total hell, I decided to grab a bite to eat at a restaurant I had never heard of.  There were no tables to sit so I was forced to sit at the bar.  After 20 minutes of sitting at the bar getting ignored by both the obviously gay male and female bartender, I started getting very irritated and made snide comments for the people around me's entertainment.  After looking at the menu for what seemed to be about the 400th time, I heard a deep voice say to me "Can I get you anything."  When I looked up I was floored.  I was staring at the most gorgeous man I had ever seen in my life. 

                He was tall, Italian (do we see a pattern here?), and looked like he could of been The Rock's son.  I instantly started sweating, and could feel my face getting red.  Trying to remain calm, I looked at him and placed my order.  He repeated the order back to me, at which I replied, "I'm not sure I want anything now because that means I won't get to look at you anymore."  I think he was a little smitten, but most definatly uncomfortable as he cracked a half ass smile and walked away.  A couple of minutes later, and my 3rd glass of water, he came back over to assure me my order would be up soon.  Out of nowhere, rather than being a normal human being, I started talking and couldn't stop.  I proceeded to stroke his ego by telling him that he looks like the Rock, and how he should model, and he may in fact be the most gorgeous man I have ever seen.  With all the diarrhea spewing out of my mouth I couldn't stop.  He was wearing a hat so I asked him "Do you have hair?" in which he removed his baseball cap to show me a full head of Italian wavy black hair.  It took every bone in my body not to jump over that bar and rape him, and unfortunately in the heat of the moment... I told him that.  I seriously could not stop.  Everything coming out of my mouth was something that Quagmire from Family Guy would say.  I hated myself at this point, and as I ate my burnt $12 chicken sandwich that he made for me, all I kept thinking about was "Shelby, you are not weird, stop acting like it."

                 He then sits down next to me (apparently on break), and we proceed to chat more.  I actually grabbed a hold of myself and did the smart thing and let him talk.  After finding out that his first and last name are in fact the same, and him not getting any of my jokes, we became Facebook friends and parted ways.   A little while later, he unfriended me due to getting back together with his ex girlfriend (the one I got to hear him bitch about for 10 min), and all I am left with is the memory of what could of been.

Internet Celebrity

                It was a random Friday night in the middle of summer and there was really nothing other than the usual going on.  All of the weddings were over, and being that none of my single friends were up in the city, I decided to hang out with a friend of mine and her boyfriend.  They had only been dating for a couple of months at the time, but during it, he had accepted the ultimate girl code rule: If you date one of Shelby's friends, you practically are dating her as well.  We decided to do something out of the ordinary and travel beyond the city limits to the infamous Cabana Bar with the hopes of actually finding myself a guy my own age, rather than a drunk college kid.  We began stalking people in the search of finding a table, and ended up scoring great seats next to a sand filled fire pit.  As the three of us started chatting, I had a group of both mixed guys and girls hanging out to the right of me.  There were a couple of cute guys but I could tell they were probably a few years younger than me, so I didn't even really engage in any sort of eye fucking.  Feeling mischievous, me and my friends started talking about how we hadn't been to a strip club in a really long time, and what a random idea it would be to go to one.  Slightly buzzed, I tapped the shoulder of the kid that was sitting near the fire pit next to me and politely asked him if he knew where the closest strip club was.  He rattled off ones that had closed, which was no help to us and I politely said thank you and turned my back toward him.

                 2 minutes later, he proceeds to tap me on the shoulder.  I turn to him and he says to me:"I don't mean to be rude, but are you on Plenty of Fish?"  Normally, at this point I would of lied my ass off, however so taken back that I had been recognized by my profile I couldn't help but reply "yes, yes I am", with an awkward smile.  He proceeds to tell me that he has in fact seen my profile and thought it was quite hysterical.  Trying to regain some control of the situation, I asked him "Well why didn't you ever message me?!" in which he replied, "well I am younger than you, so I didn't think you would respond."  I looked at him and said, "atta boy."  After showing me some of the msgs he had received from women, as well as us laughing about the site being a total joke, I had felt I had made a new plenty of fish friend.   As we were leaving to go to the strip club, he says, "i'll message ya sometime," to which I replied, "cool."   Within 20 minutes of leaving the bar, he had messaged me.  Trying to move onward  in the evening we arrived at Erotica as planned. 

                After throwing a tantrum because the male strippers were done for the night, and knowing I was going to be forced to look at body parts I already have, I proceeded to the bar to make the best of the situation.  On my short walk to the bar, which was literally 20 feet, I got confused for being a stripper 3 times as well as stopped by a severely drunk guy that literally raped my phone to put his number in it.  Why hadn't I thought of this before?  Strip Clubs are like a cesspool for lonely men, (well that and Star Wars conventions), why haven't I tried picking up men here before?  2 more phone numbers later, and being awkwardly man handled by a female stripper that looked like RuPaul's post op sister, I decided to step outside for some air.  On a drunk scale, I was at a 7 by this point.  I had noticed one of the valet's and he looked extremely familiar, but I couldn't pin point where.  Out of nowhere I look at him and with a dumbfounded look I spewed out his name.  Confused and puzzled he looks at me and says, "Do I know you?".  I look at him, and in front of his co-workers as well as owner of Erotica and say, "Yeah, I'm Shelby from Plenty of Fish, you know the girl that you stopped talking to because you had to take your dog for a walk?"              

<Backstory>  Met this guy on POF, we went back and forth, exchanged numbers.  Our first conversation, which lasted 10 min, all he talked about was his damn dog.  During our conversation, I asked him how the dog felt about him dating and not being home all the time, to which he ended our conversation abruptly telling me he had to take the dog for a walk.  He hadn't contacted or called me since.  

                After a short moment of silence, laugher had burst out amongst his co-workers and the owner along with comments such as "If I was talking to a girl as pretty as you, I wouldn't care about a dog," and "Are you really that big of an idiot?"  After seeing me in person, knowing that I was not photo shopped, fat, or missing any teeth, his face turned about 6 shades of red in embarrassment.  I didn't mean to embarrass the kid, but seriously?   Men have dicked me over for many types: she beasts, girls that look like they could clear out a buffet, and even wannabe playboy models, However: I have never once been dicked over by an actual member of the animal family.  After the laugher subsided, he decided that now he in fact wanted to get to know me.  He told me he would call me the next day to which I replied, "yeah, ok sure whatever." 

                The next day I received a call from him, and the next day, and so on for about 4 days.  The dog talk subsided, and he kept asking me to hang out.  Finally after running out of excuses, I finally told him, "Look I'm sure you are a great guy and all, but I can't date a guy if he already has a top bitch in his life." We have not spoken, nor have I been to Erotica ever since. 

Keeping it real -

Shelby