The Unofficial Guide to Reflect Unwanted Attention in Social Settings

                Saturday Night, Maria and I decided on a whim to venture out on the streets of the South Side to engage in a live erotic burlesque show, followed by some adult beverages.  After sitting through the 2 hour long show expecting to feel a bit frisky, I actually walked out with my brain being in a total mind fuck as to what I had just witnessed.  Still trying to wrap our heads around what the hell we had just paid $15 dollars for, we decided to stop at a couple of bars, considering we hadn't been out in a while.

                When we arrived at the first bar around 11:30, like any typical South Side bar, it was wall to wall people.  As Maria and I bought our first round, we surprisingly found a tiny area that allowed for some sort of personal space which is a rarity considering the bars in the South Side are so small that 50 people make it feel like you are in a mosh pit.

                As we sipped on our cherry vodka drinks, it felt as if we were in an alternate universe.  Its 11:45 on a Saturday Night, and we are just starting to drink.  Normally by this time, one if not both of us has crossed the border from buzzville to drunktown.  As we began to people watch, Maria and I noticed several things.  The most apparent was that drunk people are highly annoying when you are sober.  As we watched this spectacle of male and females, interacting with each other using alcohol as an ice breaker, this blog was born.

                When you are single, regardless of your mood that day, every time you walk out the door  to go out, as a female you secretly hope that you are going to meet someone that evening.  Whether it's a hot drunken one night stand, or a potential relationship, either way, it's like a cloud of unknown possibilities hangs over you.  There is however, that very rare occurrence where you actually just want to go out with your friends and have a good time, not looking for anything but bonding time.  Normally, it is on these occasions that you end up being freak flypaper, attracting the drunkest and most obnoxious person in the bar, who just won't leave you alone.   

                With the help of Maria, we have complied a list of things you should do in any given social setting, in order to avoid any unwanted attention that may come your way.  This will allow you to take control of any situation, and if played correctly, you will not be bothered by any member of the opposite sex for one evening.

Part  1 - Ways to "douche/cunt" proof yourself before leaving the house

                Think of this as a plan of action.  You don't want to be bothered.  You haven't seen your friends in a while, and you want to have their undivided uninterrupted attention.  Preparing yourself to be ultimate penis/vagina repellant starts at home and follows you to the bar.

Step 1:  Dress not to impress     

                Its very hard to not want to look good when going out, especially if going out is a rare occurrence these days.  As a human being, if you look at yourself and think "damn I look good tonight" chances are that feeling is going to radiate from your body.  This is exactly what you don't want, if you plan on not being bothered.  Douchebags and Bat Shit Crazies are as attracted to this as a coked out blonde in a flour factory.  I'm not saying go out looking like a homeless person, I'm saying dumb yourself down.  Don't put on that skanky dress that makes your boobs look fabulous, or put that polo shirt that shows off your psychique.  Wear something that either makes you not stand out at all, or stand out to the point where people scoff at you.  Pajamas are always my first option.   My second choice is just not matching whatsoever and appearing as if I am colorblind.  If you have the resources and knowing that you are going to a trendy club/bar, dressing in all black works too (and by dressing in all black I do not mean a dress for females, I'm talking black pants, black shirt, black shoes with no patterns or any kind of skin showing whatsoever).  In the winter, ski suits are a must have.  You may be hot as hell inside the bar, however, looking like the child from "A Christmas Story" deters anyone from seeing your actual psychiue, as well as creates a nice shock absorber from when some asshole or cunt bumps in to you because they can't drink, text and walk at the same time.

Step 2: Gas Up

                If your plans involve straight drinking, and no pre dinner activities, you have a great advantage.  Be sure, a couple hours before you go out, to eat foods that you know will make you gassy.  Know your limits though, stay away from anything that could give you a case of volcano ass.  You don't want to be shitting your brains out in a public restroom because that takes away from your friend time.  Nothing is worse than standing in a crowded bar and someone rips ass.  Where it is a genius way to obtain some personal space, it also ensures that people will not go around the area for about a 5 minute window.  Don't be coy and just bust ass everywhere .  Crop dusting is the best method to get you across a crowded room in record time.   Some creeper dancing with you?  No problem, you now have the ammunition to make him go running for the hills, without any hurt feelings.  Some annoying girl talking your ear off?  See how quickly she stops talking when she smells your new cologne "ode de ass".  You must take precaution and access the situation though.  If someone is shitfaced wasted, you could potentially start a chain reaction of vomiting, and ruining underwear is a lot less costly as ruining your Walmart sponsored outfit.   "What about my friends?" you ask.  Simple,  you deny the hell out of it.  Crowded rooms allow you to randomly point your finger at a total stranger, to which good friends won't question.

Part 2: How to not act in public

                In this section you will learn methods that may draw attention to yourself, however it is attention that will allow you to be left alone.

Step 3: Dance like everyone's watching

                Your at a club or bar with a makeshift jukebox or a Dj in a lone corner.  All of a sudden, a great comes, and you just want to shake it, but alone.   As a female, it is a golden rule to know 2 dances: the "I want to dry hump anyone right now" dance and the "I'm still a virgin" dance.  As a male, the 2 dances to know are: "The Motion of the Ocean" and "I Have an Uncontrollable Nervous Twitch."   Some people think that the way you dance is a mirror image, reflecting what you would be like in bed.  The key to being left alone is to appear that you are a terrible lay with no rhythm or concept of how to move your hips.  I am a huge fan of repelling the opposite sex by doing several old school moves: The Carlton, Sprinkler, Pinocchio,  Running Man, Lawn Mower, and my very own signature move "The Quagmire."  I have found that by doing these moves, rather than men licking their lips with naughty thoughts running through their minds, they actually scratch their heads, thinking What....The...Fuck...and move on to either one of my friends, or another group of unsuspecting women.   

                Normally in most cases, it is the men that approach the women when it comes to dancing, however in rare instances a sloppy drunk girl will head your way and try to do her best to gyrate on you.  This is where you observe who her sober friend is and hope that she is the designated babysitter of the evening.  If she approaches you from the front, instantly try to get a boner.  Do whatever you need to do and think about whatever you can to get it up.  From there start poking her with it, but not in her vagina area.  Poke her in the leg, stomach (depending on height), but most importantly I repeat not near her vag.  Next you need to put on your "O" face.  Make it aware to her friend that, "Yes this is the face you make in bed, and it's not something even a mother could love."  Not only will you look as if you have no rhythm what so ever, similar to that of a man that has never been touched, but you will surely get the attention of the sober friend, who will pull her away instantly, preventing her from a terrible drunk decision.

Step 4:  Got an Itch?

                This tactic takes a skilled professional to pull off because most of the time a fictitious story needs to involved.  This can be used when an unwanted conversation arises and you don't have an exit strategy.    Picture this scenario:  You are engaging in conversation with your friends, when you get interrupted by a drunk member of the opposite sex.  Irritated  and annoyed because you just want to have some "bonding" time, you realize that this relentless person will not give up without a fight.  The first step in this ruse is always the hardest, engage in a useless conversation.  Get about 30 seconds in, and squirm lightly, but not too much.  At the one minute point, while still staring in to their eyes, give your neither region a slight rub, but in quick manner.  The key is to make sure they have noticed.  For men this is easy because they scratch their balls all the time, like clockwork without even realizing it.  For women it is a bit trickier.  If you are male, you got this.  Remain to engage in the conversation, but start to scratch more and more during the convo.  For most women, this won't seem out of the ordinary, especially if they are really the baseball fan they "claim" to be.  If you are a female and doing this, you need to be more coy.  Make it appear as if you have just shaved and the hair is growing back.  This is where you have your out and have one of 2 options.  You can either  end the conversation right there by: excusing yourself from the conversation, stating that something is not right and you must go to the bathroom.  If the person you are trying to get rid of asks if you are ok, this is where the fun comes in and you can make up an elaborate story as to why you are scratching yourself.  You can always take the STD route which is pretty much sure thing, however, if you want to have fun with it, you have the creative freedom to make up anything you want.  Itching yourself in public may be a social "no, no" however it is recognized as the "international symbol for inappropriateness" making you less appealing to everyone. 

Step 5: Quack Quack (for women)

                Apparently there is an underground association of women traders who have prevented the memo about "duck" faces from reaching most girls ages 21-27.  I'm thinking about pitching this conspiracy theory to Hollywood with the hopes of it turning in to a Blockbuster sensation.  It's amazing that most women bitch about a man's unwillingness to communicate feelings, yet men have made it very clear on how stupid, childish and ugly women look when they make this face, yet there are a lot of women out there that insist on doing it because its "cute."  It's not fucking cute.  It doesn't make you more gangster, and it doesn't make you look pouty, it makes you look like a new breed of animal that is the main event at a freak show.   

                With all that being said, what a great way to repel penis then by doing this constantly, for hours while you are out?  No guy wants to look at a girl that looks like the angry spawn of Daisy Duck and Nemo the Fish.  For most of the women out there, the amount that you do this already has given you an unfair advantage to remain in this position for longer.  While writing this section, I have been building up my stamina, only find out that in 2 minutes flat my top lip is already cramping.  As I wipe the drool off my lower lip, due to the inability to feel it at the moment because it is numb,  it has dawned on me how well this tactic does in fact work. In 2 minutes of me experimenting with this, I actually began to become hungry for some bread.   Where I will always be an advocate for singles, regardless of my relationship status, I think I just discovered the correlation between female duck faces and single people.  Until you stop the duck faces,  you will be single, so in theory save yourself the $35 bucks for a dating website and just give it to me.

Step 6: Be entirely unapproachable

                I used to hear this a lot from my friends.  "You need to make yourself approachable"  they would say.  When I would question them as to how I do this, a variety of thoughts came to mind.  Shall I wear a shirt that says, "Yeah, I'm that girl from that dating website, I ignored you online but come talk to me now."?  Should I walk in to a room full of crowded people and do a choreographed dance sponsored by Paula Adbul  holding a sign that says "Free for the Taking"?  Or better yet, how about I just make shoot a personals ad, buy local cable spots and run it on Comcast, announcing to the world "Hey Come Approach Me."

                Its extremely easy to be unapproachable, considering I had mastered that when I was single.  Half the time, you don't even realize you are doing it.  It's as simple as being on your phone all night, not making any eye contact with a single person, and even going apeshit on someone when they move past you and touch either on purpose or on accident.  These can be fun ways to repell anyone, considering you appear to be preoccupied.  Throwing in cursing like a truck driver, speaking in a language that you made up on the spot, and being super loud and obnoxious and you have a recipe for a unbothered night!

With all this being said, it has been a privilege sharing with you my tips and secrets on how to repell people.  It's great for those nights where you want to be the cat, and not the litterbox that the ghost of annoyance shits in. 

Keeping it Real -

Shelby

Special Thanks to Maria for helping compile the list