As the eve of my 30th birthday approaches, I decided
I needed one more blog to get in before the "Trials and Tribulations of a
20 Something Girl" became invalid. I
know it has been a while since the last blog, and for some, you may think I
have "converted to the dark side" because I am now in a relationship,
however that is not the case. I've found
that it's a lot easier to poke fun of things when being single, because while
on the search for a companion, finding a sense of humor in things is a
distraction from feeling sad and lonely.
When your single and can use the
phrases, "Did this really just happen to me? WTF? and Really... Not Again," they
generate great stories, memories and teach you things about yourself that you
may not have ever discovered without the experience.
When
you are in a relationship and happy, it's a different story... The focus of the content changes. You go from bitching and poking fun about not
being able to find someone dateable, to bitching and poking fun about your significant
other because they forgot to put the toilet seat down, causing your ass to take
an unannounced makeshift shower.
I
will always be an advocate for singles, however please don't ever ask me to set
you up because I am about as effective at it as it as a mime would be on
Jeopardy. I know how tough it is out
there, because for over 5 years, I was in the same boat, and it does truly get
harder the older you are. If it can
happen to me and Honey Boo Boo's mom, it can happen to anyone.. And with that, I present to you, the final
blog of my 20's....
If
I were a Craigslist Matchmaker
My track record of hooking up my friends with
romantic connections is less than stellar.
If I had to guess, my average is about the equivalent of the worst all
time batting average in Major League Baseball.
Where my intentions where always good, I just don't have a natural
matchmaking ability, well at least until now.
As
I was scoping out my favorite place on earth: Craigslist Personals, I had a
revelation. If these people that are
posting personal ads are too cheap or scared to go on dating websites seeking
love, or are members of the "socially awkward" club, clearly they already have something in common;
stupidity for putting their faith in Craigslist to find normalcy. They also share the common ground that they too
are not normal, which would make their like minded ways of thinking, something
else they can share together.
Potential
Couple #1
Wanted
country boyu - 24 (scottdale)
Date: 2012-08-20, 4:54PM EDT
Reply to this post
Reply to this post
Hey there. I am sweet and kind
hearted country girl that is looking for love. I don't cheat or lie and use at
all and I am very fairth to my man . I am easy to be with and fun to hang out
with. I was born and rised on a farm and I know how to treat a guy good. I am
looking for a long term or a friend to see where it gos form there. I love
fishing and hunting or anything outside amd country music. 18 and 29. Send me
ur numder and I will send a pic. Email your fave country song. So I know your
are real
Looking for a country girl - 22 (South hills, near Canonsburg)
Date: 2012-08-20, 2:31PM EDT
Reply to this post
Reply to this post
After many late night talks around the fire with friends, I
figured I would give this a shot. I'm a simple camo hat wearing, boot sporting,
country music loving guy with a beard, please contain yourself ladies. About
5'6" 140 lbs. Just looking for a nice girl to talk and text with and see
where it goes. If you like camo and jeans you are right up my alley. Your pic
gets mine. Please no older, larger women or creepy dudes. Also make the title
of your message your favorite holiday to weed out spam.
Why I think this is a
match
Clearly
the only thing missing from this girls version of Disney's newest fairy tale
"Tales from the Farm" is the part where the princess goes to school
and learns how to spell. I will admit
that I am not the best speller on the planet, however the amount of grammatical
errors in this post is roughly the equivalent of what I would expect from a 10
year old child. He on the other hand, sounds very well educated, considering he
can spell, communicate effectively and puts entire sentences together while
still making sense. He wants to text, she wants a "numder" so I can
only hope she has a phone equipped with autocorrect functions, to at least keep
him interested for a day or two. I mean
come on, she was born and "rised" on a farm, so clearly that means
she knows how to treat a man better than us city folk with her ability to
communicate with animals. I envision
their first date like this: As they ride their horses off in to the sunset
while wearing their unplanned matching camo pants, he will poetically recite
the letters of the alphabet to her. He
will introduce her to great literary figures of her generation such as Kermit
the Frog, Elmo, and Barney, because clearly growing up on her farm she did not
have a TV that she could be exposed to those great teachers, or her grammar
skills would reflect that. I have
"fairth" in this...
Potential
Couple #2
I
Will Like a Special Friend - 20 (pittsburgh)
Date: 2012-08-20, 2:47PM EDT
Hi everyone, I'm a latina 20yrs 5 feet petite I'm married so sshhhhh very discrete. I'm looking for a fun person someone that's laugh someone that love live. I will like to go to lunch with that person. I'm NOT looking for sex right alway that comes with time and if you the right person. I just want someone i could trust and i could to talk to and listen, you have to have a job smell good and be clean. could you send me a pic but i don't want to see your private parts only ur face and body to see if you my type... So if thats you hit me up.
affair! - 21
(westmoreland)
Date: 2012-11-21, 11:48PM EST
i am 21 years old and have this fantasy about seeing a older married women that is unhappy for discrete
encounters. safe, sane, and ddf here. romantic, kinky, and affectionate is how
i like it. dont worry ladies i can last in bed and know how to use
what i got. i am 5'11, avg weight, clean shaved and neat, attractive, open
minded, and fun. if youre interested send me and email with what your favorite
color in the subject line. i do have pics for trade also
Why I think this is a
match
The
fact that they both are equally emotionally retarded speaks wonders in this
scenario. She is looking for someone to
give her everything her husband isn't, and he is openly looking for a death
wish if her husband where to find out. This concoction has the ingredients to
be a straight to DVD Lifetime movie. I'm
guessing since she is 20, she either married for money or a green card. Her husband is probably at least 10 years
older than her, and they probably never met until their wedding day which is
why her prerequisite looking for someone to smell good and be clean is listed. Where
most girls prerequisites on finding a husband consist of: personality, maturity
level and stability; hers consists of the 3 "s" that any
mature man strives for in the morning: shit, shower and shaving with deodorant
as an instant bonus. I've heard of lack
of sex after marriage, but lack of hygiene?
I mean you're looking for a sex eventually, so the soon-to-be dirtiness
of her vagina will be as equally dirty as her husband armpit. Fortunately for her, crabs can also live in
armpit hair, so hiding her indiscretions shouldn't be too hard. Since
he has stated that he is clean shaven and neat, I envision him to be Westmorland
County's very own version of Mr. Clean. He's
"open-minded"? Of course he
is, considering he is so desperate to get laid he takes the whole "All
because there is a goalie, doesn't mean you can't score" saying to a new
pathetic level. I hope her husband knows that his wife is in
good hands with this potential match I have suggested. I mean a true gentleman that is actively
seeking married woman via Craigslist wouldn't want to take the time to know
what her favorite color is, now would he?
Part 2 -
Yahoo Questions - Is this seriously
what society is turning to?
Occasionally
when I am doing light Facebook stalking, I stumble upon posts from some of my
friends that are from Yahoo Questions.
The ones that people repost tend to be questions that are either:
hysterical, weird, or just plain stupid.
The old expression, "There's no such thing as a stupid question,
but stupid people" I am convinced derived from this open forum. It's
similar to Craigslist in the sense that people put their faith in these message
boards, hoping to find what they are looking for, except in the form of answers
rather than love. I decided to check out
the "Family and Relationships" section, to see what I could find to
entertain me. It wasn't hard at all to
find some interesting ones.
#1
Am I wrong to dislike when he does this?
Am I wrong to get
jealous and dislike when my boyfriend watches porn? It's not just every like 3
days, it's usually once a day and sometimes twice? Does this make me a bad
person? I don't tell him I dislike it? But I do? I'm 15 and my boyfriend is
also!
Dear Sunshine:
I don't know what is funnier, the
fact that you are worried that your 15 year old boyfriend has a porn addiction,
or the fact that you are 15 and looking on the internet for answers from random
strangers. Clearly what your young mind
has not discovered yet is that a guy that watches porn is about as common as a
female with a credit card. You must have
gotten your first period ironically on the day in health class when they
explained what puberty is. It doesn't
make you a bad person that you frown upon his porn hobby, it just makes you
bitchy and annoying to pretty much every man on the planet. One day when you actually grow out of your Taylor Swift influenced mindset, and
become a mature adult, I have some shocking news for you...Men don't just wake
up one day and say "I'm done with porn, I'm going to go for a nice brisk
walk instead." Unless you
singlehandedly intend on taking down the porn industry, it's going to be around
longer than the 20 cats you will have to adopt in order to keep yourself from
feeling lonely as you search for a non porn watching prince.
#2 Could i be pregnant from changing my tampon? PLEASE ANSWER?
So I gave my boyfriend
a b****** / h****** and I was on my period. He didn't c** but had prec** on his
penis when I was doing it.by the time I got home I was really tired and I went
to the bathroom and changed my tampon. I never washed my hands before I changed
it cos im so used to doing it after I change it. Could I be pregnant? Its
eating away at me day by day...
Dear Special Sally:
No one
ever told you that sperm is the Indiana Jones of bodily fluid? It has the ability to skydive off your fingers, maneuver its way through a treacherous cotton
forest and enter the temple of the babymaker, all without breaking a
sweat. You are a fucking moron. You could clearly be the lead character in
the 2000's version of the movie Clueless. You also sound selfish. Being that he didn't finish, did you give the
poor guy blue balls too? Not only does
he have to worry about dating a total moron that thinks pregnancy is airborne,
but he also is dealing with a lazy Lucy.
I sure hope you have a pretty
face and are skinny because from your own admittance, you are not the
"total package." Especially
since you aren't smart enough to even wash your hands after foreplay, you dirty
stupid girl...you are a walking UTI waiting to happen.
Keeping it Real
- Shelby
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.