Lock and Key

Lock and Key

                One year ago, if you would of saw me, I had it all.  I was in the process of falling head over heels in love with a guy, I had more friends than I could keep up with, I had the world's easiest job and it was like in some weird way, all the stars had aligned and I felt like I was finally going to get the happy ending I had always dreamed of.

                Fast forward a little over a year later and you would of found me at rock bottom. It's amazing how much difference a year makes.  About 9 months ago, I had begun  to intentionally sabotage my relationships with people that I had known for over 10+ years, because for a period of time, I was literally out of my fucking mind.  During this time, I was miserable and depressed with my life.  30 hit me hard.   My relationship wasn't progressing in the manner that I wanted it to, I was suffering from terrible withdrawal symptoms due to quitting smoking, and I was absolutely miserable at work, sending out 10+ applications a day, to get next to no interviews.   Being around happy people who were getting the most out of their lives, only sent me in to a deeper spiraling depression.  Then 3 months ago, I found myself going through literally the most painful and heartbreaking breakup of my life.  Throw in the fact that I had isolated and pissed off everyone in my comfort zone, I was left picking up the shattered pieces of my heart off the floor, feeling as if I had no one to talk to.  I had reached out to a couple of people from my "past life", and acquaintances that I had met throughout the years, but I still felt alone, abandoned and just downright shitty. 

                Being that I literally spent a majority of the summer moping, crying, and pretty much telling my story to any random stranger that would listen to me.  Now that it is September, I am pretty pissed that I spent the entire summer as an emotional train wreck  rather than actually enjoying it.  It's ok though,  3 months after rock bottom hit, the panic attacks have subsided and with each passing day my heart heals a very little bit, while still being haunted by the ghost of the memories past.  I don't think I would be anywhere near where I am right now if it wasn't for Chuck.  He has been my rock through all of this, and has proven to me that there are good people in this world, especially during a period of time when all I saw was evil. 

                With that being said, once I started to get out of my funk, I began to start dragging myself out of the house, just to be a bit more social.  It had gotten to the point where I had looked forward to going to work, just so that I could be around people.  Chuck played babysitter to me while I got my drinking legs back, and also began entertaining my social calendar.  It's funny, when you are in a relationship, all you see around you is singles; but when you are single all you see are happy fucking ladedah couples skipping, jumping, holding hands and dry humping in public...which is not a good atmosphere to be in when you  are in recovery mode.  I literally gave up Facebook for 2 months, because I had to watch people on my friends list post about getting everything that they their little heart's content while I woke up every day to life giving me the middle finger, and I got sick of it.

                It is very true when you aren't looking how things find you.  Literally, once I snapped out of my funk, and regained most of my self confidence back, it was like the world took notice.  Random guys began hitting on me, smiling, flirting, asking me out on dates, and for the first time in my life, all I wanted to do was be left the fuck alone.  Any guy that approached me, I would lay it out on the line for them: "I do not want to date at the present time.  All I can offer you is friendship."  To which 95% of them would tell me they are ok with it but literally within a week would make some sort of uncomfortable comment about dating to me that left me and Chuck both smacking our foreheads in disappointment.  For the record,  I want more than anything to be ready again to even just be attracted to someone that is not of celebrity status, unfortunately, when you put all your eggs in the "love basket" and they end up blowing up like atomic bombs right in your face, recovering takes time and its taking more time that what I like.  I'm not in any rush whatsoever to get married or have children, and I'm really even questioning if I am someone that is destined for love, marriage and happily ever after.  I feel like a lesbian that is not in to women, and the thought of men absolutely repels me.  For those of you avid readers, I'm sure you find this admission shocking.  You probably would of never thought that I would bare my soul and even mention that I am actually quite human perhaps?  Well I am.   I was a girl that fell deeply in love with a boy, causing all of my logic and level headedness to go out the window.  In the end we had become two totally different people that couldn't make it work.  My trials and tribulations continue and hopefully when the scars heal, I will bounce back as Shelby 2.0, and even better and feistier version. 

                So with that being said, life has been very mellow.  I refuse to turn to online dating when I am ready to put myself out there again, which makes it tough to blog because that was my niche.  That was until I was handed an opportunity that I couldn't refuse...

                My Saturday started like any normal single person's day would, minus the hangover.  I had gone out a little bit the night before, but didn't really overexert myself.  I had dedicated the day to myself, doing adult things.  Apparently though, when you tell people that you are doing adult things all day, they begin to question your motives.  Where in my mind "adult things" are  laundry, shopping, cleaning;  apparently in the minds of those that I communicated with they thought I meant gang bangs and anal beads. 

                I had every intentions of staying in, relaxing and just enjoying "me" time.  Chuck and his friend Mike had registered for a "Lock and Key" singles event at Bossa Nova, to which I wanted him to give me a full report.  I think Chuck was more excited about the fact that there would be door prizes at this event, rather than the potential to meet anyone.  The age range was pretty wide (25-50) so that made for a great story right there.  As fate would have it, one series of events lead to another and I ended up downtown right around the time that the event started.  I had no intentions of going to this event, and I was very unprepared anyways.  I had not showered that day, even after completing week 3 of the Insanity work out.  I was wearing a black wife beater with a hot pink bra that is about 2 sizes 2 small, yoga pants, and white tennis shoes.  My hair was in a pony tail, and the remnants of my make up from the night before still lingered on my face.  Fortunately before I left the house, I did manage to put on deodorant which I considered to be a win.  I literally was rocking my "I do not give a ratsass what I look like" vibe, considering I had planned on doing what I needed to do downtown and go straight home.  Then a part of the old me surfaced randomly and I began to think, "How funny would it be if I went to this event, looking like this, better yet, I'm not even going to tell Chuck I'm showing up and just arrive."  It's a Saturday night, I have no real plans and I'm feeling like my old self again...I'm going for it; and just like that I was off to my first Lock and Key event.

                I should of known that the $32 assraping I had to pay to even get in the door was a sign of things to come.  Unbeknownst to me, my first What the Fuck moment happened, literally as I walked through the door. 

                2 weeks prior to this event, apparently a memo must of went out, and people my past decided it was "Let's drunk dial Shelby" week.    The night of the VMA's, as I'm writing the last blog, my phone rings at 11:30pm.  I don't recognize the number, so obviously I do not answer.  No Voicemail.   2 minutes later, it rings again, I don't answer.  No Voicemail.  5 minutes after that; the same number, so I answer.  "Hi Shelby, I'm not sure if you remember me, but we met last April during speed dating."   WTF?!  I pretend that I didn't remember him hoping that the conversation would be short sweet and to the point.  This part of the story was omitted from the Speed dating blog, because this revelation came after I had written it.  Apparently, Chuck let me roam free after speed dating at Bossa Nova drunk and unattended last April, and I gave one of the guys my #.  When he text me the next day, I had no recollection of doing this, only that I knew I was not interested in anyone romantically from that event.  I do remember, after roughly 5 text messages back and forth,  there was just something off about him, and I just stopped responding to texts.  I even want to say he called me a couple of times to which I bluntly ignored the calls.  The drunk dialer proceeds to go on a tangent about how he has hit a rough patch in his life, and how I left an impression on him, how he needs to live in the moment and his life has been one missed opportunity after another,  eventually leading to asking me out because he "felt that he blew ME off and didn't think it was fair and wanted to give me a chance."  Rather than pointing out that it was in fact me who ignored him last April, never in my life have I been more happier to not have to pull a ridiculous lie out of my ass and tell the truth.  I proceeded to give the "Just got out of a relationship" excuse to which he got very angry about his timing of calling me.  He was so angry to the fact that I was not willing to date him, that he wanted me to tell him EVERYTHING about the demise of my relationship from start to finish.    Being that I had finally started accepting it was over, I really did not want to reopen the wounds and I told him I didn't really feel like talking about it.  He relentless bugged me, and where my head was telling me, "Just hang up, Shelby" I felt bad for him.  I know what it's like to hit rock bottom and feel as if the walls are closing in on you, so I gave him a the benefit of the doubt and a quick summary.  

                "Well it sounds to me like he really didn't ever love you." He said.  I thought  "Wow - thanks man, that's what I really wanted to hear, especially coming from someone who seems more emotionally damaged than Amanda Bynes".   He then proceeded to say,  "I am learning a lot about you, here I thought that you were a strong, independent woman would wouldn't take shit from anyone."  Ummm, ok?  Sorry for being human I guess?  Do you also think that girls don't fart, Santa still exists and if you say Candy man 10 times in front of a mirror, you will have a supernatural experience?  He goes on,   "I remember the only thing I didn't like about you was that you smoked like a chimney."  This conversation is making me consider smoking like a chimney again but only if it will make you leave me alone.  "Why do girls like you always let guys like that break your heart?"  Why is the sky blue?  Why do frogs "ribbit" and not go boooiinng?  I don't have the answer for you buddy, but what girl wouldn't want to date a guy with a sparkling personality and uncanny ability to not come off sounding like a total asshole such as yourself?  It was at this point that I couldn't contain myself and had to end this conversation.  This guy was a bigger train wreck than me, and there is only room for one of those in my world.  I literally had to say "I'm going to bed now" 5 times before he stopped talking about himself to listen to me say that I am getting off the phone. 

                So with that 2 weeks ago, guess who is standing in the doorway at Bossa Nova when I arrive?  Shit.  As I walked up to the counter to register, I instantly gave a fake name.  Tonight I will be Sandy...and Sandy has never met this room full of people  and will not drink and or draw attention to herself, she will just observe and report.  I'm practically dressed like a ninja with the exception of my white shoes, I will just blend.

                The concept of the event is actually pretty cool.  Girls get a lock, guys get a key.  It is then up to you to go around the room talking to people with the hopes that their key will unlock you.  When you unlock, you either 1. remain in conversation and find your soul mate, or 2. walk to the registration table and get a raffle ticket and a new lock.  After the rules were explained to me,  I turned around and  saw Chuck standing there.  I had been spotted...The look on his face was priceless and  worth the $32 expense.  It was a mix of, "I can't believe you showed up looking like this" and "I'm glad you came."

                And so begins the event.  Not even taking the event, or myself serious, I walk up to a couple of 40 something males and say, "Would you like to stick your key in my slot?" and  literally, the first key that went in opened my lock.  As I made my way to the registration table, Mr. Speeddate was standing at the door, meaning I literally had to walk right past him to get my raffle ticket and a new lock.  Ok Sandy you can do this...I literally walked sideways, avoiding him at all costs to get to the table to get my stupid raffle ticket.  Crisis averted and like I felt like I had just powered up my character on a video game and received 1 ninja skill point.

                I was doing great, I wasn't drinking so I wasn't drawing attention to myself, the energy in the room was high and Mr. SpeedDate was on the total opposite end of the room.  So far within the first 10 minutes mission accomplished.  12 minutes in I managed to ruin that. 

                Bossa Nova is a great location, its upscale, trendy and it drives a lot of the business professional- older crowd, however where they make up for the experience, they lack in Feng Shui.  I'm not sure how high the interior decorator was when he went shopping for this establishment, however I would love to get a dime bag of whatever it was he was smoking.  Whatever fucking moron decided to put clear glass knee level tables in a poorly lit bar should be arrested for treason.  While trying to maneuver through the crowd, I managed to knock my right knee on the corner of the glass table, causing me to let out a cry of total pain, followed by an angry scream of "FUCK"....That is when the crickets started chirping and my life turned in to a Tupac song with All Eyes on Me...   Ninja skill point removed.

                As my knee is throbbing and I'm starting to calculate how much a knee replacement surgery is going to cost and at what age it is going to be the most beneficial.. I'm talking to Chuck and Mike, and  out of nowhere,  I get ninjaed by a pudgy Asian guy.  Yes, I am profiling and it sounds horrible,  but it is true.  He literally just came out of nowhere like a random UFO sighting.    It took him 2 minutes to introduce himself because he had a horrible stutter.  We will just call him F-F-Francis for the sake of time.  After his introduction, and the realization that his key did not fit my lock, he said to me, "I don't really think not being able to undo a lock can dictate fate, what do you think?"  To my Beaver County readers, if you heard a strange noise last night around 8:30 pm, it was in fact my eye roll that you heard all the way from downtown Pittsburgh.    I'm still not 100% on my game, and honestly, the old me would of just ran with it, telling ridiculous lies and made up experiences, however I felt kinda bad for him...He had came to this event alone and I think he may have had a bit of social anxiety  that prevented him from really knowing how to be comfortable talking to a woman.  My theory was proven when he began asking me super deep questions about life and love and I got the impression that he had intended on chatting me up all night, so I politely told him to go socialize and to stop back later, hoping he would meet someone else that could appreciate his ninja like ways.

                  Within the first 30 minutes, I had 5 of my locks unlocked, all while still dodging Mr. Speed Date.  I was feeling pretty good.  Even looking like total shit, people were very nice and receptive toward me.   Of course the only ones that I found myself being  slightly attracted  to were there one that snubbed me, but I was having fun and really cared less.

                I was mid conversation with the cutest old man ever (he had to be at least 65+) when I got ninjaed again!  Literally not there one minute, there the next.  Again he wanted to start a deep conversation to which I politely just said I had to poop and walked away.  Ninja skill is now at negative 1.  When I came back from the bathroom, not only had F-F-Francis disappeared from the entire event, but  I noticed a decent looking guy standing by himself in the corner.  I decided to sashay his way rather than ninja roll because my skills were clearly in the red.  His name was extremely unique which I liked, but I couldn't pronounce it for the life of me, so I just called him Iliad.  Iliad had such pretty eyes but the personality of a pet rock.  Talking to him was as painful as what I imagine a colonoscopy would be to a heterosexual male.  Such a waste of something so pretty to look at. 

                As my made my way around the room again, dodging Mr. Speeddate, I had a couple of close calls that resulted in me ducking, bobbing, weaving, and making sudden movements that were similar to that of someone with turrets syndrome.  Character Ninja skills level up!   When attendees would witness this they would say "Sandy, whats wrong?" Half the time I ignored them because I forgot I was using a fake name, so I would literally stand there looking like a spaced out asshole,   the other time I would make up an environmental issue like: I had to tie my shoe, or I had a leg cramp."

                After being mentally exhausted with my mind in the gutter most of the time due to comments that people didn't even realize they were saying like, "My key is stuck in your lock." "My key won't fit in your lock." and  "You broke it" I had found Mike and Chuck talking to 2 women, who looked to be around our age.  I walked over to them and we instantly clicked.  It was like our mini group had been complete.  We began sharing horror stories of the evening, and were in hysterics.  Meeting them, justified my $32 admission fee. 

                It was door prize time, I saw Iliad looking lost again, so I called him over to see if he wanted to hang out with us.  Again we began chatting in forced conversation, that was very dry and boring, leading to nowhere.  I used my infamous line about online dating and "What am I going to tell my grandchildren?  It was love at first type?" which didn't even get a chuckle.  This bothered me and I felt defeated.  Then out of left field, he mentioned how we should hang out sometime.  I grabbed Chuck to be a witness, and told him that I was not looking to date, just hang out, do stuff, be friends etc and I looked at him and said, "Are you OK with this?"  to which he replied, "Yes that's cool".  I turned my back to him to check my raffle ticket, turned back and he had already moved on to the girl sitting down behind us.  I had officially went from the underachieving girl that doesn't give a shit to instant penis repellent now experiencing a Greek Tragedy in progress. I guess he wasn't ok with it after all, considering he ended up leaving with her.  It's amazing how the demeanor of men change once they realize you are not offering up your vagina on a silver plate.   I told Chuck and Mike it was ok, because his breath smelled like actual shit, then realized that I was being very hypocritical because after thinking about it, I remembered that in addition to the fact that I was un-showered, smelly, and in no means trying to impress anyone,  I hadn't brushed my teeth all day...

Keeping it Real

Shelby