Ebay takes on the Break Up Box

I’m not exactly sure if people even do this anymore, but I know that when I am going through a break up, I like to assemble what is known as a “Break Up” box.  A “Break Up” box consists of a shoebox, or pending on how serious the relationship was, any size box that can be stored somewhere out of sight, that is filled with every single memory of a recent failed relationship.  You tuck all of your memories in this box (pictures, gifts, clothing, anything that was given to you/reminds you of your ex) and put is somewhere that subconsciously you hope to forget about until you’re ready, or if you’re like me, put it in a place that you have to be 100% sober to have access to it.  (Unless like me, you tend to become a drunken rain man when drinking, then you are fucked.)

My breakup box sat under my bed, behind a storage container, and was a real bitch to get to.  Sadly, for being together over a year, all of my fondest memories of us fit it to a small size 7.5 ankle boot shoe box.  My breakup box sat collecting dust under my bed for a good 6 months before I was ready to even open it again.  Opening your breakup box during a period of time when you are still healing, grieving and trying to accept the fatal fate of your failed relationship is the equivalent of opening up your own personal version of Pandora’s box, and boy is that bitch an unforgiving one. 

For months I had been moping around, secretly hoping that we would reconcile, because even though I felt that I was totally victimized by him and hoped for an apology that I knew I would never get, I clang to the unrealistic hope that love would find its way back to us and we would magically return to being the two people that we were when we first met.  It wasn’t until a co-worker of mine said something to me that finally gave me the ass kicking I needed to open the box.   I was sitting at work one day, and we were randomly talking about relationships/marriage and she said to me, “It’s a known fact that you have to get your heart severely broken one time in your life in order to be ready for true happiness.”

When she said that to me, I had a total epiphany.  I had been living in a shit storm for months, and it was time for me to finally buy an umbrella.  This was the heartbreak I needed to find true happiness.

Temporary happiness at one point for me came when I discovered the joys of Ebay.  What first started as a simple shopping experience, turned in to a full blown obsession with buying clothing via Ebay.  It got so bad that I had to get rid of clothes to make room for new clothes that had overtaken my closet.  When I was getting rid of these clothes, I decided to try to make some additional money and took a stab at selling clothes on Ebay.  After making close to $100 dollars, I had yet another brilliant idea to buy other peoples unwanted clothes and try to turn them for profit.  $700 and 180 articles of clothing later, my apartment is once again over flowing with clothes that aren’t even mine this time around.  The last time I was in any type of position to where I had sellable items post break up, I went to a local pawn shop and got like 50 bucks for a diamond necklace, pair of earrings and the worlds ugliest ring.  I then proudly took that 50 dollars and went straight to the casino and gambled it away.  This time around was different though, I now had Ebay that I could sell my unwanted break up box items on. 

There were really only 2 things that were Ebay worthy.  One was a necklace/earring set from Kay Jewelers and the other was a Pandora equivalent Charm Bracelet with about  8 charms on it.   I remembered him telling me (during the good times) that he couldn’t wait to fill up my charm bracelet.  Even though I was highly allergic to the metal and if worn for long periods of time I would break out in to a rash, I didn’t have the heart to tell him because he was so proud of it, it meant something to him, and it was a sign of our intentions to be together for a long time, so even though it had the potential to disfigure me, it instantly meant something to me as well.

Fast forward to the break up and now what do I have?  A charm bracelet that I’m allergic to with 8 charms that now have no meaning other than a reminder of times that are a distant memory.  I can’t wear it because it’s meaning is insignificant now, I can’t wipe my ass with it, because it would probably legitimately hurt and make my butt bleed, and I can’t pawn it because where its unique to the wearer, a pawn shop could give a shit less.  So I decided to sell it off, one by one on Ebay, but in my own special way.

Disclaimer:  What you are about to read are real product descriptions that I posted on Ebay in efforts to sell these items.   They have not been edited or modified. 

Charm Bracelet and Starter Charm

Give your special someone a gift with true meaning. Unfortunately at one time this bracelet meant something to me, however now I'm hoping that by selling it will fund my eternal match.com membership. It's a really great gift to get a female if you're not looking to put a lot of thought into gifts during a long-term situation. You can get her a charm every single holiday and every single special occasion and it will keep her happy. Typically the bracelet and charm combination would retail for about $125. If you're looking for more information please visit the persona website. I unfortunately do not have the original boxes because I thought that we were never going to break up, nor did I think I would result to selling it on ebay out of spite. Oh well, hopefully you buying this will have better luck than I did.

Heart on My Sleeve Charm

I find the irony in the name of this particular charm. The fact that it's called "heart upon my sleeve" correlates nicely with the fact that when I did wear my actual heart on my sleeve the person who gave me this charm ripped it out, threw it on the ground and stomped on it. I'm glad that I've finally drank myself in to so much of an oblivion that I can chuckle rather than crawl into the fetal position and cry. I still like how the heart glimmers in the light. It is similar to the same glimmer that I would get when I stared into his eyes. But now that glimmer is gone, and all I have left is the reminder that I am 31 and single again, and living in a city where single people are the minority and my neighbor’s dog gets laid more than I do... No original box sorry

Lucky Charm

What can I say about this lucky charm? Don't take it literal. The Shamrock brought me no luck whatsoever, so hopefully you can change that. My ex though that it was thoughtful to get me one considering I'm Irish, and it was also St. Patrick's Day. But the only action that this Shamrock brought me me, was the beginning of the downward spiral that I would look back and call the "dark times". I was hoping to use this money to buy a high grade quality frying pan so that my friends could "butterfly effect" me and I could begin my own series of events that would result in me 1. Being rushed to the hospital with a severe head injury, 2. Having a temporary case of amnesia and not remembering who I am or the events of the past. Which would then lead to. 3. Meeting a handsome Dr, falling in love again, and not having to harvest my eggs for "a later date"

S is for… Charm

Currently this charm is a hot commodity online because it is out of stock on the website.  I’m not sure even where to begin on the meaning behind this.  The representation of this charm was simplistic…the first letter of my name.  9 months later, when I look at it, all that comes to mind are adjectives that parallel my roller coaster like emotions.  Pending on any given time of the day, S could stand for:  Seriously? Shit; Salty; Single; Sucktastic – which in all honestly; is a very good representation of what a day in the life of me is like anymore.  I would suggest dousing this charm in holy water and having it blessed by a priest prior to giving it to your loved one, because let’s face it…given the ratio of how quickly  receiving this charm and the relationship shitting the bed was…I would say S is for…well you get it..No original box…Sorry

Sorrie Wine Charm

I never really got the meaning behind why this charm was purchased for me, so the only conclusion that I could come to was that my ex really didn’t’ know me after over 6 months of dating.  For starters, I do not drink wine, for I am a vodka girl.  You would think him watching me down bottles of vodka in front of him, would lead him to think not only that I have binge drinking problem, but also that I may be mistaken for a Russian Army Sergeant trapped in a females body.   Now mind you, I would have been less likely to sell a charm that consisted of a Belvedere, Three Olives, or when I’m desperate Absolute logo.  Also, when I look at this charm, I think it is meant for a certain type of of “girly girl” that sips wine, acts like a lady and gets tipsy and not too buzzed because she doesn’t want the world to have a bad perception of her.   I, on the other hand am not…by any means…a girly girl or a lady when drinking.  I am more the equivalent of a Russian Army Sergeant at a strip club trapped in a female’s body when drinking….No original box…Sorry

Pink Roses and Dew Drop Charm

Well la de da, if only all relationships were as happy sounding as Pink Roses and Dew Drops, we all would be shitting sunshine and barfing rainbows wouldn’t we? Just saying the name of this charm out loud makes me break in to hives and heave a little.   You can’t help but to think this charm is pretty though, its calming green colors with the pink blobs that look like roses, it almost makes me think of a watermelon. A watermelon made of Italian glass, so really that would be a painful watermelon to ingest.  What a fine job those Italians do with their glass.   I’m starting to think that rather than constantly dating men of Mediterranean decent, maybe I should consider dating an Italian glass maker.  Or even just an Italian Man.  Hell at this point I’ll take a bowl of spaghetti, 2 large meatballs and an average sized piece of garlic bread.  No original box…Sorry

Briocade in Teal

When I look at this charm, with its leaf and vine design, it reminds me of a fairy tale.  Maybe it’s the charm that Robin Hood bestowed upon Maid Marion?  Maybe it’s a gift that Snow White received from her Prince after her life changing kiss?  Then I look at it again and realize that my fairy tale was crinkled up like a baseball, whaled in to a dark forest and molested over and over again by dream killer fairies.  Guess what Marion…Your boyfriend wears tights and calls his friends “merry” men.  You may be a princess, but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out on your own that your boyfriend is the spokesperson for gay brothels in the middle of the woods.  And as for Snow White, can someone please explain to me how a lazy narcoleptic woman that has bestiality-like tendencies and hangs out with 7 midgets can manage to get a man to travel for days to rescue her, yet I am a 31 year old employed, financially independent woman with no children and very few friends and yet I can’t get a guy to drive 20 minutes across town to rescue me from my vibrator!  No original box!  Sorry….

Enchanted Escape

This is by far my least favorite and ugliest charm that was purchased for me.  I do not get the correlation of the random bird being surrounded by the roses.  It looks like the bird was raised next to a power plant and was severely deformed, leading to its ability to shit rainbow colored flowers.  It reminds me of an ugly broach that an elderly woman would wear that her 5 year old granddaughter picked out because it was, “Pretty”.    You know, I had hope when he enlisted my friends to help pick out a cookie cutter necklace and earring set from Kay (Also for sale) for my birthday, and my friends steered him towards gold and not silver because that is all I wear.   It is very visible in the form of my gold rings, gold necklaces and gold earrings that I wear.   So when I received this charm bracelet, I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I have an allergy to the metal and if I wore it for long periods of time my wrist would break out in to a rash.  When he handed me the book of charms and told me to circle ones I liked, I literally circled all the gold plated ones, with the hopes that he would get the subtle hint.  2 weeks later, instead of a gold plated charm…I ended up with this horrific looking thing.  I am not an artsy person that can look at a pile of shit or a hunk of garbage and see artistic wonderment in it.  I look at it and perceive it as being a literal hunk of smelly rancid garbage or a heaping pile of shit. If you find the beauty in this charm then clearly it is meant for you, and that we should probably not meet in real life because chances we have too many artistic differences to be considered acquaintances. 

Editors Note:  My bracelet sold within 2 hours of it posting along with the “Heart on my sleeve charm.” It was a bitter sweet moment for me.  I was finally letting go…moving on after many grueling months of clinging to the unrealistic hope that a relationship still existed.    After the purchase, I received the following note from the buyer (random stranger) that not only put my faith back in to humanity, but I felt like it was a sign that it was going to a good home:

Keepin it real

Shelby