Lonely Heart’s Club

With one of the darkest days of any single person’s life approaching (Valentine’s Day), I felt that it was only proper to blog about how terrible it is to be single 1. Near, around, and on Valentine’s Day; 2. In general.  Now if you are single reading this, you already know.  You have been haunted by the larger than life stuffed animals that fill shelves upon shelves at the grocery store, the cliche jewelry commercials that no matter what station you are on, you can’t hide from, and of course the day to day struggle to not self-indulge in chocolate covered everything because you know that you will not be receiving it as a gift and only as a gift to your ever growing waistline. 

For those of you that know me (which that number has dwindled significantly within the past year)  I began hosting singles events through Plenty of Fish’s website.  My events usually target 25-45 year old men and females and are hosted somewhere in the South Side. The first two were total sausage fests.  My intentions were not in anyway focused on me finding someone.  While I was still struggling to get over my ex, I actually began dating someone new, but unfortunately he was not the solution I was looking for to cure my broken heart, and after that experience, I literally had given up for the time being on me finding love again.  My primary focus was to help others possibly experience one of the greatest feelings in the whole wide world.  Some people go their whole lives without feeling it.  Trying to revive the optimistic Disney princess side of me that had been buried by evil and poison, I set my sights on helping other people get their happy endings.   I will say to the people that did have the balls to show up and really put themselves out there, I have nothing but high levels of respect for them, which is why there will never be a blog about what goes on at these events, because after seeing people who are similar to me and my situation (lack of single friends, had epic revelations in their lives, got their hearts ripped out, etc), I now know that where there is a large group of people entering the lonely hearts club, I am not alone.

After reconnecting with an old friend and telling him the rollercoaster events of my life in the past year, he really put things in to perspective.  He said to me, “Shelby, you are fortunate though... you got to figure it all out... and you got to basically hit the reset button.”  And it was so true.  In 1 year, I have acquired an entirely new group of friends, been through mental hell and back, and eliminated all negative variables in my life.  I now understand that I am exactly where I am meant to be.  

Unfortunately though, with hosting events comes great stupidity and great unwanted attention.  When you host a party on POF and you get a certain number of RSVP’s, you then have the ability to mass message people that are within 10k of your event…or so they claim.  Turns out, that it doesn’t stop at 10k, its more like 100k.  So after my first event, I found myself messaging everyone on the website, literally from Wheeling, WV to St. Clairsville, OH within a 25-45 age range.  So in summary, I basically mass emailed roughly thousands of people about this event. 

By doing this, unfortunately you see the good, bad and ugly side of online dating.  Some men, see a message from you and automatically think that you are messaging them to get to know them, which in return results in a lot of messages back, or straight up messages asking you out on dates.  Others, call you a psycho and ask you to stop sending things to them.  You also get really dumb questions like “Are you going to be at this party?” and “Are you single?”  Within minutes of sending this message my inbox blew up.  I literally  had 200 new messages within a few hours so as far as my friends telling me that I need to “Put myself out there” yeah…go hard or go home right?  Eventually you get so annoyed, and so bothered by the messages you just feel the need to respond back.I share with you now, some of my favorite messages that I have received/responded to while trying to host singles events:

Mr. I Don’t Have a Clue:

Clearly common sense is not a strong point with this one.  That and the fact that he is 23.  Notice how I try to divert the conversation to reflect that “Hey I wasn’t talking to you, I was inviting you to a party so you could meet someone who is so very not me,” but he didn’t get the hint.  His persistence is more annoying than anything, considering he tries to continue the conversation with, “So are you single?”  No, I’m just on a dating website because I enjoy stalking people from afar. I have no life so my other hobbies include printing inspirational cat pictures and framing them and recreating a life size sex doll of Justin Timberlake,  but I’m not at all single, being on a dating website, where it clearly states that I am looking to date someone in my profile.  Dinner with you scares me, considering I’m worried that you will ask me dumb questions through the entire dinner like, “How do I use a fork?”, “Did you drive here?” or “So, You like Food right?.” 

Mr. I Can’t Handle Rejection:

 This is one of my favorite ones simply because it showed 50 shades of fucking crazy.  You see leading up to this conversation, the gentleman asked me out, to which I politely (yes, seriously) declined due to 1. I was not attracted to him and 2. He lived out of state.  With that being said, he began to bombard me with messages as to why I wouldn’t give him a chance.  After ignoring him for a few weeks, my mass email about the party went out and the above was the result.  Just the simple fact that he called me a douchebag, makes me laugh so hard that I can’t even write a witty response.  It’s pathetic enough that he couldn’t handle rejection by a girl that he had never met before, but the fact that he wanted to engage in an internet argument was about as useless as a priest judging a bikini contest.  I think you my friend are the one that should be endorsed by Summer’s Eve.  Can you tell them to hurry up and make a “New Car” scented douche already?  Thanks!

Rub-a-dub-dub

 So yeah, Rub Powers eh?  I can honestly say that this is a whole new world for me.  Is this the equivalent of dry humping?  I was unaware that my vagina had special powers?    I mean I can’t fly because I have one, I do not have the ability to read people’s minds, and I certainly do not have the ability to cast a love spell over anybody, so I’m not really sure where you are going with this Mr. Bump and Grind.   I mean the only thing that is special about it is that it can bleed for 5-7 days and not die?  Does that make me immortal?  Do you think that you are a vagician?  Because the only magic you will be making involves your winky and your pinky. I’m starting to question that you may be a love child of either  Austin Powers or Glenn Quagmire, either way unlike them, you will more than likely be spending your Valentine’s Day alone…

Short, Sweet and To the Point

 There is no need for an explanation – Shelby -1; Every douchebag that puts up a shirtless pic -0.  I promise to all my readers that I will continue to keep fighting the shirtless mirror bathroom pic/duckface war…one picture at a time. 

Learn When to Stop…Please

 You would think that when someone says to you, “I appreciate your interest in me, however to be brutally honest I am not looking to date right now.  I am focusing on hosting events and helping others find happiness” that that would be a cue to walk away.  Not Captain Crabs, he has to take it to the next level of creepiness.  With his age set as 32 and his face looking about 16, the thought of him asking me about my sex life made me feel like a pedophile or even worse, a Beiber fan, I had hoped that “Have A Nice Day J” would be a great cut off…nope.  He had to take it even further in to the realms of total creeper.  Calling someone gorgeous is one thing, however referring to a pair of boobs in a singular term is a bit confusing.  If you are going to complement my “breast” could you please be a bit specific?  Are you a fan of Amelia (Left) or Gretchen (Right)?  Which one do you feel is the perky cheerlearder vs. the bookworm?  You must be a virgin because clearly if you think that it is a choice to “sport” something that is permanently attached to your chest and requires surgery for removal.  Oh and by the way you can take your J and…well never mind, you may get a hard on talking about its upper lip…

No Vacancy

Happy Valentine's Day/Singles Appreciation Awareness Day Everyone!  If you are single, living in the Pittsburgh area and want to attend my Vday Singles Party please email playettechic@gmail.com for more information!

Keepin It Real

Shelby