The Receiving End of Craigslist

After my last blog about Craigslist, I got to thinking...I keep knocking these people who posted absolutely ridiculous posts, and it was such a one sided argument.  These sad people are putting themselves out there, with the hopes of finding someone that they can live happily ever after with.  Granted, you never know an individual's toleration levels for weirdness, which is why I decided to showcase the ones I felt qualified as "weird."  I decided to put myself in their shoes, and give it a try myself.   I posted the following ad on Craigslist with the hopes of proving myself correct in thinking that you truly do hit rock bottom searching for love on this site.

Just a normal girl - 28 (Pittsburgh, PA)

Hello! A little bit about me:

I am 28 years old. I have a good job, car, apartment, no children and I am

debt free.
I am 5'5, 130lbs, brown hair and brown eyes, Italian/Irish Mix.
I'd say I'm fairly normal. I have no crazy ex's, the only drama that has
happened in my life is via my friends, I'm not a stage 5 clinger and or
stalker. People tell me I'm funny, quick to think on my feet, attractive,
and likeable. As to why I'm single? Just haven't met anyone that gives me
that "wow" factor. I have a pic, if you would like to send one that's fine,
if not its cool too!

Looking forward to hearing from you!

 

I posted this ad on Craigslist on November 3rd at 11 p.m.  I was flagged for removal (due to me not responding.  I figured it out when some asshole emailed me 3 times, 2 of which were pretty pissy) at approximately 12:30 am on November 5th.  Here is an overview of the responses:

Total time on Craigslist personals - 25.5 hours on Craigslist before getting flagged for removal.

Number of email's received:  72

Number of pictures received: 30

Number of phone numbers received: 5

Men under the age of 25: 12

Men over the age of 35: 25

I never realized that there were so many lonely men in Pittsburgh.  Sadly enough, if I were planning on using this site as a dating option, chances are, out of those 72, based on pictures/grammar/initial conversation topics, at best I may have responded to about 5.  What I found probably the most hysterical, is receiving an email from a guy that I had actually gone out with from Plenty of Fish. 

After sifting through all of these emails, it was made quite clear to me that some of these men have not read my blog about the rules of online dating.  I was swimming in a sea of shirtless mirror pictures, "text pictures to my phone because it's easier," and the worst intro ever of "Hey, what's up."  Fortunately, I did manage to receive some rather interesting emails, that I would now like to gladly share with the rest of the world. 

Email #1:

I'm WM 5'7" 160lbs 35 and to be honest I'm looking for someone to watch a movie at home or go have a beer and and make out and body on body. If this interests you at all let me know.

Dear Body Bumper:

                    You are 35 years of age, and seem to have the mind set of an 18 year old.  Clearly you don't understand what a "wow" factor is.  Maybe if I could channel my 16 year old self, I would find excitement in watching a movie with you while you supply me with beer, because obviously you would not be wowing me, I would need the alcohol to be even remotely interested in hanging out.  I get the whole making out thing, however I don't understand the "body on body" part.  Are you saying that you want to dry hump? Last time I checked, which I'm sure has probably been a very long time since you have had any female interaction, body on body action is a prerequisite to making out.  I don't think Craigslist is for you.  May I suggest this?  "go have a beer," then stop down to Club Zoo.  You can gain all the liquid courage you need via the alcohol and then get some "body on body" action with girls that can relate to on your own maturity level.   

Email #2:

How are you today?  Liked what you had to say - you seem genuine to me - and yes - very normal!
I am a very good hearted guy with good values - good looking - so people tell me - I treat others right!!!
Looking for a fun and nice girl to take out on a date and see what happens.  you seem really nice.
I am 41 - is that too much older than you - I hope not!!!  I don't think so - I act young!!  Live in Jefferson Hills I do not know how to put a picture on the computer babe - I'm old
school.  I know - don't tell me - I need to get caught up with the times.  I need to get my sister to teach me.  I do know how to send a picture on the cell phone. Anyway, I would love to chat with you!!

Dear Mr. Technology Impaired

                    You should be prohibited from Craiglist, simply for your over usage of exclamation points and dashes. I'm 2 sentences in, and already irritated with the abusage of this punctuation.   I'm sure you are a good hearted guy, but the good looking part is debatable.  People probably say you're good looking, because they don't want to invoke the exclamation point/dash monster that not only spews from your typing skills, but probably out of your mouth as well.   You are 41 years old, messaging a 28 year old.  You were in your first year of college when I was in Kindergarten.  "I act young, however I don't know how to put a picture on a computer because I'm old school."  1. Don't call me babe, giving a girl a pet name that you don't know isn't "old school", 2. How is it that my parents are older than you are, and they are fully capable of sending email attachments/pictures?  You know how to send a picture via cell, yet not a computer...Did you sleep through the early part of 2000 and just awoke from your coma to the Smartphone era?  If your sister is technology savvy, she probably has friends.  You should ask her to hook you up. 

Email #3:

But are you real? I'll send a pic if I get a reply. I'm 29, fit, have a job, car my own place and a dog. Im white, brown hair green eyes. I go out almost every night With my friends. I'm looking for a gf that's fun and likes concerts and hanging out. Im pretty laid back. I live in the east end but can drive anywhere. I wanted to be single a while after dating but now I want to date again.And ifit doesn't work I might make a cool new friend. I had an awesome Halloween, how about you?

           

Dear Designated Driver:

                The first 4 sentences that you wrote sounded appealing which is why stopping there would of been the best solution.  You go out every night with your friends?  Wow you instantly scream "boyfriend material."  Clearly, if you go out with your friends every night, you are neglecting your dog.  If I dated you, is that what my life would be?  Staying up at night patiently waiting for you to come home so that I can get a little attention? Then if I'm a good girl that doesn't make a mess of the house, you will treat me to a concert?  Thank you for making me realize that by having a car, you can in fact go places with it.  All this time I thought a car was just a device that was used as lawn decorations.  "I wanted to be single a while after dating but now I want to date again."  I'm not exactly sure where you are going with this.  Maybe your dog sabotaged all of your dates on purpose to keep you home.  It's great that you want to get back out there and meet new people, but I have enough friends and have no intentions of adding any new ones to the roster any time soon. 

Email #4:

hey greetings and salutations I'm Josh. I was reading your post and thought u sounded pretty look I'm twenty six I'm six foot one 171 pounds hwp I'm pretty fit for the most part I'm a philosophy major. I love to read, the outdoors, movies, and music. I play and Wright music. but I make my mistakes like everyone I'm honest and open. I hope we get to chat hit me u here is abpic also

Dear Alien Boy:

                Greetings and Salutations to you too.  I am from the planet earth, where we greet people with a "Hi" or "Hello."  I sound pretty huh?  Well considering the description of myself was super vague, how do you know that I do not have an over sized nose, or missing teeth?  You tend to focus on the fact that you are hwp (which I had to look up and means height/weight proportional) and fit.  Sounds to me like you think I am hwp proportionate, instantly making me a 10 in your philosophical studies.   I think you may want to reconsider your major, because there is no rational explanation behind your thinking.  "I play and wright music."  Oh you "wright" music huh?  Have I heard anything you have composed?  Probably not considering your fan base isn't old enough to spell or understand words.  Oh, wait i'll let that slide, because you openly admitted in the next sentence that you make mistakes like everyone else.  You made it clear in your introduction that you clearly are not human, therefore you shouldn't make mistakes.  Maybe I'll see you around sometime, during the UFO festival in Kecksburg.

Email #5:

Hey Babe
Your post has caught your attention.I'm looking for memorable moments
Seems like we are looking for the same things
I'm looking for white young petite chick just like you to spend some time with and see where things go.I'm looking for somebody to help relieve stresses of life. In actuality it helps you too if you think about it.Must be clean and discreet and be open to anything I will treat you like gold and even make you feel special, but I don't want to talk about living together at least not yet but if you wanna stay over for weekends that is okay. We can go to concerts and have fun or travel. If you need something I will ensure you get it because I do want to help you if I can.I am not opposed to the idea of this companionship turning into something more over time.I'm a middle aged generous professional. Send me pic,# and your stats..I can take you places you never been before

Dear Mr. Discreet:

                I too am looking for memorable moments.  Moments that I can share with my friends, family and Facebook friends.  This may in fact be a memorable moment for me.  I am so glad that you emailed me putting everything out on the table, I like that in a man.  If you're looking to relieve stresses of life, consider a masseuse, it really does help when I think about it.  Maybe you can find one of those "special massage parlors" that are in fact open, clean and discreet.  I feel like I am getting a 2 for 1 deal, considering not only will you treat me like gold, but I get to feel special too?  I am a little offended that you will let me stay on weekends, but not during the weekdays.  Could this be because your wife goes away on weekends, leaving you all alone to fend for yourself?  I say let's take a family vacation.  Invite your kids and wife, and we can sit around and have a tea party and enjoy one awkward moment after another.  I bet your daughter and I would get along very well, considering we are probably the same age.  You can take me places I've never been before?  Or do you just want to take me places that you are too embarrassed to take your wife?  I don't think Craigslist is going to help find you a companion, but the humane society maybe?  Email the dog neglector above to find out where he got his from.

Email #6:

Sup lil mama how u?im a 6'3 35 blk male i 2 have a car a job,crib.lookin 4 someone real who can be my friend ,lover,homegirl,everything,and i can be everything 2 her

Dear  Big Poppa

                "Sup Lil Mama" is not an acceptable greeting.  I have worked very hard for the past 28 years to purposely not have someone call me "Mama."  When you refer that you have a crib, are you telling me you have an extra one available since you already think I'm a "Mama"  Were you planning on blending your family together with my imaginary one?   You sound like an Usher song.  I am disappointed at the fact that Ludacris did not jump out of my computer and start rapping at the end of your last line.  When I mentioned that I was pretty normal in my post, did it not dawn on you to possibly try to send a message that doesn't sound like  a recycled version of a song that was released in 2004.  If Lil John knew about this, you would only receive a "What!?" and not the "OK"

So in conclusion, I was "wright" all along. 

-Keeping it real