Ok Cupid – Enough is enough

          Another website that I stumbled upon in my early stages of being single was called OK Cupid.  Being that this website is pretty much a poor man’s version of Match.com, it is in fact free and actually makes you answer questions to better help find people that are compatible with you.  I have always been against websites telling me who I am compatible with. I mean all because you answer a question or 2 about yourself, doesn’t mean you are someone’s soul mate, however this website seems to think so.

So with the same profile as the others, I decided to rejoin OKC to see what was new on that site.  Apparently nothing has changed…

48% Match  44% Friend  68% Enemy

30 / M / Straight / Single

after a rigorously brief overview of your profile I wanted to let you know I have already married and divorced you in my mind.
Thanks for all the wonderful imaginary memories... you will always have a special place in my heart.

your ex-hubby,

Tony

ps. I am going to need half your money according to our prenup  and You can keep the dog and I will keep the house in Hawaii

Obviously I'm joking...I'm single, educated, 6'1". Work hard to play hard. If you are interested in perhaps chatting, let me know. I hope to hear from you soon and thanks for your time.

Dear Tony –

          I’m sorry that you feel that our bond is not strong enough to withstand the test of time, and that you have already set our imaginary relationship up for failure before it’s begun.  Love is a funny thing.  It’s even funnier to think that this is in fact probably the 8^th time you have sent me this same exact email, not only on OK Cupid, but on other websites as well.  I think it’s about time you change your approach.  I enjoy a good laugh; however your email was not humorous at all, it was actually pretty weird.  The only way marriage is possible for us is if I was roofied, put on a plane, and we were married in a Las Vegas Chapel.  I could dispute the pre-nup based on the fact you drugged me, but I would gladly just give you the house in Hawaii if it meant you being as far away from me as possible. 

75% Match  70% Friend  14% Enemy

28 / M / Straight / Single

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Your very beautiful.
My name is MATT.
I work as a mail carrier. The pay is high so i always have money to take you out.
Im very out going, affectionate an mature.

I'll take you out to like go karts,golf range,ice skating,skiing,amusement parks,dave&busters,haunted house...ect...

Where do you like to go for fun?

Dear MATT –

          Thank you for the compliments, however I am going to have to pass.  I don’t understand your need to scream your name at me, when I plan on forgetting it in 10 minutes.  I’m sorry to tell you, but money doesn’t impress me.  I appreciate the fact that you do have a job, and you are a useful member of society, but making sure it’s known that you are a high paid mail carrier doesn’t mean jack shit to me.  I also love how you mention that you are mature, yet pretty much every date that you list reminds me of being in 10^th grade again.  You would probably consider accidently touching my leg 3^rd base.  I’m actually quite shocked that Chuckie Cheese is not listed as one of the fantastic date options.  Since I am recently divorced according to the email above and have acquired a dog, I hope you do not end up being the mail carrier in my neighborhood.  I have full intentions of training my imaginary dog to sniff out pompous assholes and attack on site. 

73% Match  79% Friend  11% Enemy

31 / M / Straight / Single

I think you are mesmerizingly beautiful, your innocent eyes, your wavy cool hair and that million doller smile is infact the best I have ever seen my entire life. when did you come from heaven

max

Dear Max –

          Wow really laying it on think aren’t ya?  I appreciate your psychoanalysis of me based on the limited profile pictures that you have seen, however your assessment of me is very incorrect.  If I were in fact mesmerizingly beautiful, people would build statues and worship me.  They would shower me with gifts like AA batteries and Cherry Vodka, unfortunately though I have yet to receive any endorsement deals from Duracell or Three Olives.  “Innocent eyes”, this really made me laugh out loud.  My eyes are about as innocent as Casey Anthony.  These eyes have seen things that would turn a Smurf red.  A million dollar smile and wavy cool hair?  It’s called having an excellent dentist and hair stylist.  I can give you their numbers if you want, since you apparently have a massive boner about it.  I am most certainly not from Heaven.  I am from a version of Hell called Beaver County, you may have heard of it...Its famous for just about nothing...

78% Match  83% Friend  15% Enemy

24 / M / Straight / Single

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Why are you such a b itch and you're not even a 6/10?

Dear Asshole –

          I think it’s great that you obviously haven’t had much luck on this site, so you decide to message girls that are entirely out of your league and try to bring them down to your miserable level.  Do I remind you of your ex-girlfriend?  I bet that’s what it is.  You know the one that you gave the b-itch to?  You are lucky that I respect your privacy enough not to show your profile pic, considering you fall in to the “shirtless” profile pic category.   Your profile states that you enjoy making people laugh. Well I find it humorous that you clearly can’t spell the word bitch or do math to figure out that I am 5 years older than you and wouldn't be interested, you can count to 10 which is promising for your future.   I can only imagine what one of your jokes starts off with something like: “Did you hear the one about the dead puppy.”  Clearly if you take that much offense to my “do not message me if” list, you are guilty of doing one (if not all) of my “Seven Deadly Internet Sins.”  Even the loneliest of cougars would probably find you boring.  You’ll have better luck on Craigslist, I promise J

84% Match  70% Friend  13% Enemy

38 / M / Straight / Single

Melegnano, Italy

you are nicest reason for visit USA, your smile should be an Unesco World Heritage!!!!!

Dear Italy’s Finest,

          I find it odd that you think I’m the nicest reason for a visit to the USA.  Where I do envision myself settling down one day, your green card marriage scam will not work on me!  I had no clue what an “Unesco World Heritage” is so I had to look it up.  A UNESCO World Heritage Site is a place (such as a forest, mountain, lake, desert, monument, building, complex, or city) that is listed by the UNESCO as of special cultural or physical significance.  I may not be an interpreter, but the language of bullshit is universal. I find being compared to any type of landscape offensive.  What if you were to catch me on an unshaven day?  Would you compare my unplanned bush to a Van Gogh painting?  I mean you seem to find the beauty in everything, god forbid I forget to flush the toilet one day...

38% Match  39% Friend  34% Enemy

29 / M / Straight / Single  

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Message #1

Hey how are you?

I'm a 29 yr old, fun, intelligent well built 6'0, 205#/(former college football player) with brown hair and blue eyes. I think we could have a lot of fun

My AIM, xxxx and Yahoo name is xxxxxx so IM me if you IM. What is yours?

I'm looking for a something casual. What about you?

write me back. Lets get to know each other and see how things go. I think we could have a lot of fun together.

I know I've been pretty forward, but I'm an outgoing, confident guy and when I see something I like, I go after it :)

I'm in grad school now as well in addition to working.

Mike

Message #2

Saw you checked out my profile. What did you think? I think we'd have lots of fun together!

Do you chat on aim, yahoo or gchat? My name on all 3 is xxxxxxx.

I do have some face pics I can send. What's your email and I'll send them.

Write me back!

Dear Mike:

          Seriously?  Again, this is not the first message that I have received from you in the past.  In fact, you probably don't remember me chewing you out the last time you messaged me this non sense.  I was the one that told you to grow up, and go on adult friend finder, and not a dating website. You want to know what I think? You are the king of douchebags. Are you related to any member of the Jersey Shore cast, because I feel that you could be "The Situation's" long lost brother.  You clearly did not read my profile at all, you looked at my pictures, found me attractive and decided that we would have "a lot of fun" together?  I'm glad that you are clinging your youth by being a 29 year old with the mentality of a 19 year old college frat boy, in addition to the fact that you use 3 chat services?  Are we 16 again?  Clearly you think you are.  Aol was cool when I was like 14.  If I was looking for something causal, I would rather invest in a nice pair of sweat pants, than even consider giving you a chance.  You qualify my badge of approval to post in the "missed connections" section of Craigslist, you freaking tool.

Keeping it real -

Shelby