Skouting for winners

                In my journey to find a significant other via the internet, I discovered many different websites that have all different types of men.  When straight websites were not enough and I became an adult and bought a smart phone, I discovered that there were actually dating apps specifically geared towards singles based on distance.  Most of them were just a live chat service, but they allowed you to connect with people that were potentially close to you, without showing your actual location.  For my readers entertainment, I decided to rejoin one of these sites, that my friend Jamie introduced me to back in the day.

The app is called Skout.   Where 80% of the Smartphone generation has probably never heard of it,  the app description claims that it has been featured on ABC News, CNN, Fox News & the NY Times.  The app is basically a simple chat line, that you can search for people by age and distance.  Even though it is designed for local people to meet, in my case at least, it doesn't stop people from all over the world messaging me. 

 I will now share some of the messages that I have received for your viewing pleasure:

33/M

Dear Interested

What's good? I'll tell you what's good! Tacos....Taco's are good. So are those cookies with the Hershey kisses in them, the smell of gasoline, a fresh pack of double AA batteries, the first cut in to a fresh piece of construction paper and extreme couponing. I mean you opened up your conversation with that question, so I was only trying to be polite and answer the question honestly. Well while I'm at it, let's talk about things I don't like: vegetables, double AA batteries that run out of juice, paper cuts, and those annoying people that hold up the lines in stores because they didn't receive .50 cents off their value pack of cigarettes while using their access card to pay for them. I feel as if I have said enough about myself though, you tell me what's good? *facepalm*

24/M

Dear Talking To Yourself-

                18 hours ago when you messaged me, I was in fact sleeping.  16 hours ago when you messaged me I was sleeping. Now  3 hours ago when you messaged me, I was clearly ignoring you.   If you are curious as to why I have not responded to the 6 messages that you have sent to me in an 18 hour period, let me clarify a couple things for you.  1.  It appears to me that you are quite content having a conversation with yourself,  so really what's the point of me interrupting that?  2. You sent me 2 messages at 2 am, followed by a message calling me mean because I didn't respond, only to try again a few hours later.  This leads me to believe that you may be suffering from a condition called "being bi polar."  I think it's great that you can laugh at yourself upon the 6th message, because that really shows both sides to your mental state.  I can envision our first date.  It starts with dinner, a glass of wine, and non conventional conversation followed by you flipping out on the waitress and leaving the restaurant in a straight jacket. 

23/M

Dear Slick

               

I'm sorry to hear that my phone number was not pre-loaded in to your super fancy phone. Is it an Iphone? Because if it is, apparently you were able to download the "world's worst pickup lines" app. Where this may work for you in a real life setting; at about 2 am; when a girl is super wasted and thinks everyone is hot; this doesn't work on the sober. This line actually makes me want to play vodka pong; by myself; at 8 am. I do understand where your coming from though, I mean your 23. You probably are still preying on drunk co-eds with self esteem issues. Ok, you win...I just find you so irresistible that I feel obligated to give you, a total stranger my phone number. Here it is.. 412-567-2767, but please don't text me, feel free to call...I really would really like to hear your voice.

*note: feel free to call the number listed...It may come in handy one day :)

34/M

Dear Santa's Little Helper

                I think I understand why your "skouting" for women.  You are 34 years old and still believe in Santa Claus.  I would not be surprised if you awake to a plate of half eaten cookies and carrots every Christmas morning, still believing that Santa was there, when in fact it was probably your mom that snuck in to your bedroom during the night.  I will give you credit on trying to be festive and recycling a corny pick up line that I heard when I was 18, but I understand.  It's not your fault that your mom decided on your 34th birthday to finally lift all internet restrictions, allowing you to discover websites that teach you how to approach women.  Never in my life have I ever been more thankful for the creators of internet porn, lotion and kleenex because without them, you would have an actual reason to leave your basement.

19/M

Dear Little G

                I don't know what is more disturbing.  The fact that you are 19 years old messaging me, or the fact that you are 19 and proud of the fact that you have a "grill" that looks like it's made out of tinfoil.  Unless you are the illigimate son of Lil Wayne, please reconsider the path that you are choosing.  I really can't tell you "wasupp wit it ma" because if I were living in Cali where you are from, chances are there is a possibility I would be old enough to be your mother.  I'm not exactly sure what the "it" is that you are referring to that is up?  I don't have a penis, so it's not that?  I don't think you are talking about my stock market investments, because those certainly aren't up.  Until you can clarify to me what exactly "it" is that you are referring to,  maybe you should take lessons from your father on "How to Love"....err never mind...maybe Ray Charles is a better role model, that way you won't blind him with the "bling in your grill."

 34/M

                                          

                                             Dear Huggy Bear

I love how comfortable you feel asking a total stranger for a hug. I'm sorry that you are having a bad day, however, i'm sure one of your World of Warcraft buddies can give you a virtual hug or something. Or maybe going to a whore for one? I mean it's about as satisfying as going to McDonald's and ordering a salad, but at least with a whore it's a sure thing; well once you negotiate pricing and other mindless details. I just don't see any normal girl jumping at the opportunity to meet a total stranger in a neutral location just to give him a hug. Oh wait I did see that before...On the ID Channels "Stolen Voices, Buried Secrets." I feel you would get a better response posting in the Craigllist "fettish" section, rather than a dating application...just sayin

 29/M

                                                  Dear Papi            

                Ok seriously...Do I look like I'm a mother?  Do you see pictures of children in my profile? NO. I don't have a maternal instinct in my body other than to want to wash your mouth out with soap for coming at me with this.  At what point did it become socially acceptable to approach women by calling them MA?  You want to know what I'm up to this evening?  I'm religiously taking my birth control, having a few beers and enjoying a night to myself filled with stomach humping porn and a fresh crisp double AA battery.  You know why?  Because I do not have any children to interrupt me while I engage in "me" time.  When I'm ready to be called "ma", I will never let you know, however, until then you can call me "Buzz Killer"

-Keepin it real

Shelby