Shelby Does Pittsburgh - Part 4 of 4

                So after imaginarily moving to the cities of Baltimore, Seaside Heights and Boise, I discovered that there is in fact no place like home.   Since Los Angeles seemed to be a town chalk full of respectable people, I decided to take the Vegas odds back on Pittsburgh not to let me down, so that I could finish the 4 part series.  Needless to say, it was a sure thing.

                After being on for a little under 3 weeks I was bombarded with messages as usual.  The difference between this time around based on others, were the slight bit of the desperate tones rather than perverted ones.  Then it dawned on me... It's January crunch time.  Let me explain what that means.  When people that have been single for anywhere from 1-3 years survive another New Years eve alone, they instantly convince themselves that the upcoming year is going to be their year to find love.  With that being said, the entire month of January consists of constant searching and relentless positivity to find a date in time for Valentine's Day, which in turn satisfies not only their personal hunger to not feel lonely or pathetic, but also to give a good story to their married/taken friends to shut them up when they start going on about how great their Valentine's day with a significant other was.  Fortunately for me, after you hit the 4 and then 5 year point of being single, you tend to give not give a  flying fuck about all things Valentine's Day.  Here are some of the slightly desperate messages that I received from men in "January crunch time."

1/4/2012 7:00:26 PM

Hi how are u doing tonight am Ron and ur really cute

1/16/2012 3:59:30 PM

Does distance bother u

1/22/2012 10:11:15 AM

Hi how are u doing so far today am ron

Dear Ron:

                I see that POF hasn't been working for you.  Are you still proudly living in your parents attic because you got kicked out of your apartment in FL? (if you don't remember Ron, he's is from this blog: Nov 14th blog ) If I had to estimate, this is probably the 18th message you have sent me during my POF career.  Apparently I gave you too much credit in thinking that after the 5th message you sent to me that I didn't engage with a response, that you were smart enough to figure out I was not interested.  Clearly, you are not only a complete idiot, but you are also extremely desperate.  You even go as far as to message me while I'm living in Seaside Heights with "Does distance bother u."   If I ignored you while living in Pittsburgh, do you really think that when I imaginarily moved out of state I had an epiphany that  I should date you?  One day, when your balls drop and you become a man and not a needy bitch, still don't contact me.  Please let any dream relationship you may think you're going to have with me die, just like your dignity. 

1/20/2012 11:21:05 PM

You are you so pretty and you have the most beautiful smile I have ever seen.. With that charming face and beautifully deep eyes I must
say you are a perfect 10. To tell you the truth I was defenseless against the beauty of your face and your elegant personality so was forced to write to you.

1/23/2012 12:39:49 PM

You should give miss universe pageant a try:::and u can win in 3 categories
1: Girl with the most beautiful smile award
2 Girl with the gorgeous pair of eyes award
3: the prettiest hair award!!!!

Dear Prince Charming:

                I'm glad you are defenseless against my beauty and you think I have an elegant personality, I'm so excited to share the feelings that you have unlocked from my heart.  Miss Universe pageant, ok now we are taking it a bit far in to corny town.   I get that you are too busy jerking off while watching the pageant to pay attention to the actual categories, but come on now.  You sound like a high school yearbook, not a human being.  Where I appreciate the occasional compliment such as "wow you look skinny today," or "you are gorgeous,"  if I needed a confidence booster I would much rather walk around with an IV hookup of Vodka than listen to you go rambling on and on.  I would not be surprised if you wanted to recreate the naked art scene from Titanic.  The poetic words you write in your first message, lead me to believe that you are an avid dungeons and dragons player, and believe that I am a damsel in distress.  Unfortunately, rather than having a prince wrapped in tinfoil and riding in to the sunset on a donkey, I think I'll pass and wait for a drunk encounter where the guy is a sober Pittsburgh 6 and a drunk Pittsburgh 10. 

1/17/2012 11:44:58 AM

hello im greg. saw your profile and would love to get to know you a little better. you seem like you enjoy life and id like to think that i always try to be positive in life and things to do. i try to make the best of everything. i work in sales so there plenty of ups and downs. where are you an activities director at? anyway just a quick hello to say check out my profile and hope to hear from you. greg

1/18/2012 10:48:21 PM

hello shelby..so i saw you checked my profile and was just wondering why you didnt message me so i have a few multiple choices answers...
a. you didnt like the fact that i wrote about star wars
b. you find fedoras out of style
c. you meant to but got tied up with work projects
d. you think i might be too old and a fuddy duddy
please choose one of the above and ill let you know how your answer fairs. hope to hear from

Dear Greg:

E - All of the above.  A. The fact that you wrote about Star Wars doesn't make you a loser, I quite enjoyed the movies.  The fact that I didn't bother reading your profile, and your willingness to admit you mention Star Wars in your profile is what screams instant vagina repellant.  I instinctively picture you pretending that you think your penis is a light saber.  B.  Yes, fedoras are out of style.  Fedoras are for Kevin Federline wannabes and for the 9 out of 10 men that suffer from Male Pattern Baldness to wear tricking people in to thinking they are stylish and not balding.   The remaining 10% of men that find fedoras stylish are pompous douche bags that frequent Lawrenceville and Shadyside bars and enjoy sniffing the smell of their own farts.  C.  No really, I meant to 100% completely ignore you.  I hadn't responded to your first message in 36 hours before the next one came.  I'm in marketing, I'm not a doctor that works a 36 hour straight shift.  D.  Where you are a bit older than me (let's just say while I was in diapers, you discovered internet porn via dial up connection), it's not that an older man deters me...It's an older man that mentions Star Wars in a dating website profile and fedoras cool, and uses the term "Fuddy Duddy," that deters me. 

1/16/2012 6:24:10 PM

I need an independent woman that's secure within herself.
Is this you?
I'm spontaneous and I'm independent.
I'm competitive,confident,consistent and money motivated.
I'll treat you like a queen.
Do you think I'm a handsome guy?
I love the way you look.
If you don't want me to text anymore, please say so.

Dear T-Money -

                You sound like a terrible job posting on Craigslist.  When you mention being consistent, does this mean that you pay your bills on time?  You made it quite clear you had no intentions of paying mine since  you're trying to find someone as independent as yourself, so I was just curious to see if you were going to elaborate with your credit score next.  I'm not exactly sure what you mean when you say "secure within herself."  Are you asking me if I have high self esteem or if my boobs are big enough to secure as flotation devices in case of an airplane related emergency?  Being that you use the word independent in 2 different contexts, it leads me to believe that your version of treating a girl like a queen would be convincing her in to thinking that paying half of the bill is empowering, or being allowed to order anything off the dollar menu at McDonalds, your treat.  Where your pictures were quite decent, I find the diarrhea spewing out of your mouth repulsive.   I am shocked you did not end this message with a "Do you like me, please check one  _____yes     ______no."  I'm glad you are ok with not "texting" me anymore, considering you emailed me dumbass.  Clearly you are using the POF app on your phone, which is more desperate than scouting a dog park for blind chicks. 

1/4/2012 5:52:59 PM

I really think we would make an awesome couple, i really like everything so far in your profile and would really
like to take or meet you somewhere nice, maybe station square in pittsburgh :-) :-) :-)

1/17/2012 4:28:15 Pl

You seem like quite an amazing young woman, i am a mature man, i certainly would love to talk to you and
have wonderful conversations. I have no tattoos but i am in a proffessional field. I think you have very
attractive pictures and really do want to know you so if you dont mind taking a chance and rolling the dice a
bit....i would love to make your aquaintance

1/18/2012 12:39:42 PM

Hey Shelby just wanted to saywhats up and was hoping that we can get together soon, i wanna be able to find
a great gal and im hoping you are her

Dear Mr. Maturity -

                Do you have a brother named Ron?  I feel as if you do, because like him, this is probably the 20th message you have sent to me, even when I had moved to Seaside Heights and still have yet to respond.  Clearly you have never heard the term "Beating a dead horse" because you are the one that it was coined after.  You wanted to take me to Station Square, in Pittsburgh, when I was pretending to live in NJ.  I don't know what's funnier, the idea that I would be up for a date with you, or the fact that you consider any Station Square restaurants to be an impressive first date.  You seem to forget that I have lived in Pittsburgh my whole life, meaning I have dined at every Station Square location at least 5 times in my life, and have probably puked in every bar's bathroom at least once.  Considering I have 3 tattoos in places which you will never be lucky enough to see, I find it hysterical that you compare them to professionalism.  I get that craps does have the best player advantage in a casino, however rolling the dice with you and your needy ass, would be about as painful as a wooden dildo.  We will not be getting together any time soon, on any day, in any life.  If I do happen to run in to you at Station Square sometime, I will be sure to throw myself in front of the nearest moving vehicle to prevent any social interaction with you.

1/16/2012 10:10:44 PM

what's up how are you doing? came across ur profile and pic and would like to get to know more about you. I'm a genuine,caring,honest fun guy,don't smoke or do drugs,have a job,place,and car. like to do a lot of indoor and outdoor activities as well as jst chill and cuddle in. but hope u find interest and get back to me and let me know what u think either way.

1/18/2012 3:42:00 PM

what's up how are you this cold day,and how the guys been treating you off here.

1/19/2012 7:16:33 PM

thanx for viewing me but u didn't get back to me lol,I'm sorry bout that but I think we met before at Robinson mall way back with ur friend I def wanted to talk to you since the first time I seen u would like to get to know you.hope u get back u won't regret it,I'm fun and real and not fake.

Dear Bleeding Heart -

                Three messages, in 4 days with no response?  Did you think that by remaining to contact me that you would eventually say something that I would find interesting?  I think it is great that you are an active guy, but your description of what interests you sounds about as meaningless to me as instructions in Spanish.  How would anyone find you interesting, considering everything you mention is what everyone on the planet enjoys.  I will give you credit on the "I have met you before card."  I like to use that line as well, when I was 24 and craving the attention of someone who was clearly not interested in me. You keep trying to convince me, as well as yourself that you are fun.  You sound about as fun as an extreme knitting contest.   If we met in Robinson all those years ago, how come I do not remember meeting you, and clearly if I did meet you, we would of talked that day, and if you were there to meet my friend, that makes you a bit scandalous.  I don't think you could be fake if you tried to be, you lack any kind of excitement in your life, that even your own dick probably doesn't even get excited to see your right hand. 

Keeping it Real

-Shelby