Another Shot at Love - Craigslist Style

                Being that I haven't written about Craigslist for a while, I decided to revisit it to see if things have gotten any better, and it hasn't.  One thing that most people aren't smart enough to figure out is that if you are a true internet stalker and the information is available, people don't have to send you a picture, you can look up their email address via Facebook.  So some guys that didn't send me pictures, I was still able to find via Facebook, which makes it even more weirder.  I posted the following pictureless ad:      

Hello. Thanks for reading my ad. I am a 29 year old girl who has been single for a little over 5 years, and where I enjoy the single life, it does get a bit old not having some consistency in my life. I'm a normal average girl. I have a job, a car, an apartment, no children, and have no drama (other than like the normal girl stuff my friends get me in to). I am 5'5, brown eyes, brown hair, about 130. According to those that know me, I'm funny, sarcastic, sweet, slightly immature and a non-sugar coater. I am real! The Oscars are on tonight! Send a pic if you would like, if not that's fine too.

Thanks
    

I posted this ad at 7:30 P.M on Sunday 2/26.  As of Monday 2/27 at 8:00 p.m. I have received the following:

124 messages

13 phone numbers

2 replies from people that I actually know

1 dick picture

Here are some of my favorite messages that I would now like to share with you....

Hey the single life does get out I been single since 08. So what do we do from here I'm new to all this add stuff. Let's c I'm 5'8 200 lbs full blood italian man that wants to find that one that makes me want to come home from work if u know what I mean

Dear Mario –

            According to your FB profile, which is the new law of the land, you just got out of a relationship on January 24^th of this year.  So with that being said, your first sentence is a lie.  Knowing that you are lying in a failed attempt to make me feel better about my own personal life already makes me hate you.  Clearly, by looking at your profile picture that shows you with 3 young children, I’m going to assume that you are not in fact “Uncle of the Year,” but are probably divorced.  You also fail to mention your age.  Thank goodness for Facebook to allow me to find out that you graduated high school in 91’ making you roughly 38-39.  No, I really don’t know what you mean by finding someone that “makes you want to come home from work.”  Unless you work part time as a mansion house sitter, I don’t see why you have troubles wanting to come home unless when you were married, going home for you was about as exciting as a blind man going to see a silent movie.   

......Are you still single?
I mean most girls I know who are close to your age are already saying that they are too oldand ready to settle down but you are out there still free... that just means you haven't found the oone that mists blows your mind or you're a lil player... I'm hoping its the first I mentioned ...anyways if you are interested in getting to know someone unique then you should drop everything you're to meet me! ,:)

Send u a pic next time if you answer I guess

Dear Cheshire Cat –

            It’s not your curiosity that is killing me, it’s the fact that you managed to offend me in 3 of the 6 sentences you sent me.  Does everything that comes out of your mouth repel women, or is it just when you are trying to win them over in your valiant internet wooing efforts? Yes you dumbass, nothing has changed in the past 15 hours since I posted this ad to make me not be single.  Internet dating does not work that quickly, however I’m sure based on the idiotic message you sent me, you probably think that unicorns are real and believe in love at first type.  After looking up your FB profile, I notice 2 things.  1. I am actually quite shocked that your message to me was not in broken English, and 2. I can’t pinpoint how old you are but I’m going to guess you are younger, considering my next point.  Here is a tip, if you are going to use the term “close to your age,” the only acceptable way to contextualize it would be “I have a brother/sister that is close to your age.”  Using that phase in any other context is basically telling a girl “my age” everything that her married friends, mother, aunt and concerned gay friends already tell her.  I do not need to be told from a total stranger that my well is slowly drying up.  I’m not exactly what a “mists blows your mind” is exactly, but it reminds me of a swimming pool massacre.   If I were a player, do you really think I would turn to Craigslist of all places to find anyone worth “playing?”  I’d have better luck playing the “What eating disorder does this Victoria’s Secret model have” game. 

interested in getting to know a good looking 29 year old married guy?

Dear Married Guy,

            Thank you for proving that marriage is no longer viewed as scared.  Why the fuck would I want to get to know you if your married?  I don’t care how “good looking” you say you are, you are about as useless to me as an expired condom.  I was unaware that when posting my ad, I had to make it idiot proof by requesting that only single guys respond.  If you are in need of female attention that bad, go to a strip club or hire a hooker.  I really hope that karma comes back around full circle in the form of a fat, desperate stage 5 clinger that stalks the hell out of you until your wife finds out what you have been up to.  If you have that much disrespect for your wife to be responding to Craigslist personal ads, I can only imagine what the outcome of this relationship would be.  You really make me want to start my own "Cheaters" reality tv show, except on my show, your wife gets to castrate you on camera, tool.

I no how u fee I have been single well all my life I hope to hear from you soon

Dear Solo Rider

            Where I am saddened to hear that you have been single your whole life, I don't really feel that this message has any "wow" factor to get me to respond.  The best way I can put your life in to perspective is by considering you to be in the "puppy" stage of your love life.  Maybe if Maybe if I were 18 again and had the time and energy to housebreak you, teach you how to be independent, and show you some tricks, I would consider dating you, however I am way past my breaking point.  Openly admitting to being single your entire life leads me to believe that you use the internet solely for the purpose of finding a significant other.  I'm sure you have probably messaged me several times on the 20 other websites that you are on, and probably wrote me a book about your sob story of a life without love.  Instead of hoping to find a girlfriend via Craigslist why don't you stop playing World of Warcraft, shower, leave your parents basement and become a person that actually goes out with real friends (Farmville buddies do not count).  Also, you may want to consider getting a GED, because your communication skills are a bit off.  "I no how you fee" sounds like something I would hear from a Jamaican Psychic hotline.

Hello 29 year old single

Want to meet a caring, honest. never

married 45 year old established, swm

Then look no further for the moment and check my

lifestyle out.

seeking pretty laid back gal for Ltr with possible

marriage with the right woman.

PS

I fuck well, and have been retired for a good many years.

Send pic so your new man can check you out.

Dear Well-Fucker

            There are many reasons that you have been single for 45 years, however for time’s sake, I will only reflect on several.  I don’t even want to know about your profession; considering you are 45 and have been retired for “a good many years” it leads me to believe that you are a either a retired drug dealer, porn star or gigolo.  I would not be surprised if you rocked a pornstache in the 80’s while doing lines of coke off of strippers’ asses.  When you mention your “lifestyle” I can only imagine what that maybe.  You probably are a gold card member to a swingers club who beats off in the bathroom knowing you are not even a drunk girls last resort.  You would be better off going to an AA meeting or a rehab center to meet “the right woman.”  The fact that you claim to “fuck well,” leads me to believe that some dumb bitch that slept with you developed a case of cock envy after looking in to your wallet, and stroked not only your dick, but your ego too.  Clearly you have convinced yourself that every girl you slept with truly had an orgasm, when in reality probably faked it to keep your spirits up.  The only picture that I would send you, is a picture of a Summer’s Eve brand douche, this way you can see a reflection of yourself through your new girls eyes.

So in conclusion, where I am seeing less perverts on Craigslist, it has now shifted to the super desperate and lonely, and the demographic is changing as well.  40% of the messages I received were from men 35+.  Keep it up Craigslist, or I will run out of things to blog about!

Keepin it real -

Shelby