I'm not a "live by quotes" sort of person, however there is one that I have found to be true in its own nature, "Opinions are like assholes, everybody's got one." If you don't know who Dear Abby is, then clearly you either live in Alaska, or have been living under a tunnel for your entire life. I remember growing up, she was my role model. She always knew the right thing to say, to make people feel secure about any situation.
Now being a bit older, and less naive, reading some of her responses make me realize that she is a sugar coater. Rather than giving people the straight up truth about something, she tiptoes politely around the topic and talks in code, without giving no real sense of any solution.
I figured I would take a stab at answering some questions asking about advice. Considering every time I do offer my services to my friends, they never listen anyways, I thought this would be the best opportunity ever to showcase my skills on sensitive subjects .
DEAR ABBY: My fiancé, "Kip," and I are being married next year and we have only one disappointment. It's about my keeping my last name. I don't want to take Kip's last name.
I have had the same name for 33 years and I do not believe a woman "has" to take her husband's name when they marry. However, the biggest issue for me is my fiancé never knew his father, who left when Kip was a baby. I do not wish to take the name of a man who neither of us knows, and who had no positive influence on our lives. I'm part of a close-knit family, and I am proud to bear the name of my father -- a hardworking, dedicated Vietnam veteran.
Am I out of line? We will accept your answer because we are unable to resolve this ourselves. -- STANDING MY GROUND IN NEW JERSEY
Dear Abby’s Reply:
DEAR STANDING: While most women still change their names to their husband's (or hyphenate them), those who don't usually have established themselves in a career in which they are known by their maiden name. Others fear that if they change their names they'll lose their identity.
No one can or should decide this for you. However, if Kip did know his dad and the man was a fine, upstanding citizen, would you feel differently? Remember, you are marrying Kip, not his father, and I assume your fiance is a wonderful person. Given your logic, because he had no relationship with his father, should he change his name to yours? Please make no decisions about this until you two have talked this out more fully.
Shelby’s Reply
Dear Standing: Clearly during college you joined some pro women activist groups that involved hairy armpits, not showering for weeks and the occasional bra burning. Being an empowered woman is one thing, but get off your high horse. If your fiancée didn’t want retain his father’s last name, he would have changed it a long time ago. Obviously, he doesn’t care as much as you do. Unless your last name is going to be hysterical to society such as: Long Dong, Hung Weiner or Tran Vestite, you are being lame. It has taken you 33 years to find someone that is willing to marry you, which judging by this ridiculous concern you have; you have probably inadvertently sabotaged every relationship you have had up until this point. There are 1,000 better reasons as to why not to take someone’s last name; your reasoning is straight out of a terrible Lifetime movie. When you get off your period and stop being an over emotional retard, reconsider everything about yourself and morph in to a normal female.
DEAR ABBY: A year and a half ago, right before I turned 16, I made the decision to start dating. Before I had my first boyfriend, I set some guidelines for what I wanted in a relationship -- someone who isn't controlling, who treats me well, etc.
I also decided to wait to have my first kiss until I found someone special. These days, I think too many people my age are too sexually active. I don't want a boy to feel that because I let him kiss me, I will take the next step with him. I think there is a line that should never be crossed before marriage.
Do you think I am taking this too far by wanting to wait to be kissed? Or are the boundaries I'm setting for myself reasonable? -- HOLDING OUT IN OREGON
Dear Abby’s Response:
DEAR HOLDING OUT: Of course the first person you kiss should be "special." And when you meet him, I am sure you'll know he's the right one. You have to do what is right for you. I respect the fact that you have set boundaries and refuse to do something just because someone else may be doing it.
Shelby’s Response:
DEAR HOLDING OUT: Do I think your boundaries are reasonable? Absolutely not, they are stupid. You are 16 years old and clearly have slipped in to a reality where Disney Movies are reality TV. Are you a preacher’s daughter or something? Being that you have already set the standard for what you are looking for at the ripe age of sixteen, you tend to forget key factors that are what “adult” relationships are made of. Haven't you ever heard the expression: "Practice makes perfect?", of course not, clearly it's not something that Cinderella would say. My first kiss consisted of me biting the shit out of the poor kids tongue. Since then, FYI ..my skills have improved dramatically. A girl that kisses a guy like his pet Rottweiler is not going to think you are a keeper, he's going to think you have Parkinson Disease. It’s ok to be a blue ball giver, if you’re not willing to put out. Blue Balls are the nicest compliment a women can give to a guy. Even better, the older and uglier you get, if you can still manage to give a man blue balls, it's just as gratifying as receiving candy, roses and jewelry. If you think that kissing is considered “sexually active,” I would love to be there to see your reaction the first time your first ever boyfriend asks you to kiss him on his penis. Please YouTube it.
WOMAN IN LOVE WITH FIANCE'S TWIN IS NOW IN DOUBLE TROUBLE
DEAR ABBY: I am 26 and have been dating "Mike" for four years. We met in our senior year of college and recently became engaged. I'm looking forward to being married and starting a family, but there's one "small" problem. I'm in love with Mike's identical twin brother, "Matt."
Mike and Matt are identical in appearance, but Matt is funnier, more outgoing and affectionate than my fiance. I didn't know he existed until a year ago because they had a falling out at their high school graduation and didn't reconcile until recently.
When I met Matt, I knew right away he was the one for me, but I continued dating Mike because I didn't want to ruin his re-established relationship with his brother. Matt reciprocates my feelings. He has told me he's in love with me and wants to date me.
I know I shouldn't have accepted Mike's proposal, but I don't want to hurt him or start another fight between him and his twin, but I also don't want to be married to the wrong man for the rest of my life. I'm unsure what to do. The wedding date has been set. Help! -- IN LOVE WITH THE DOUBLE
DEAR IN LOVE: You should have put the brakes on the relationship with Mike the minute you realized you were attracted to Matt. The engagement should be ended immediately. That you would not only continue to date Mike but also accept his proposal of marriage knowing you were more attracted to his twin was cruel.
If Matt starts seeing you after the breakup, it will probably cause a permanent rift between them. It will be interesting to see what happens when you become available because with some people the "apple" that's just out of reach is the one that's most enticing -- and you may wind up married to neither brother.
Shelby's Response:
You are an embarrassment to all human beings with natural and artificial vaginas. Clearly you do not see the silver lining in all of this. You are dealing with identical twins. This means, with a few alcoholic beverages, you have the opportunity to play the "I didn't know he wasn't you" card, and have a legitimate argument. If they are identical you are home free. The only pending issue to this fail proof plan depends on dick size. If they truly are identical, you are golden, if Matt is bigger, your literally and figuratively fucked. You already sound like a dumb whore that goes after literally 1 type of guy, so why not capitalize on it, and become what you are meant to be: A headliner on an episode of the Jerry Springer Show. You are already scandalous by even having feelings for his twin, and this Matt kid sounds like an absolute prick, so how do you really know if you haven't already gotten the old "switcharoo?" I'm 100% sure you are going to take my advice and go through with it, because clearly you lack any kind of morals, so I look to watching you on Jerry first, followed by the results of the paternity test on Maury.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Kyle" for more than six months, but I have loved him for more than two years. I always thought we had a wonderful relationship and that Kyle was a sweet, innocent guy. Well, he just confided to me that he has an Internet porn addiction! I'm very hurt by this and don't want to lose him. What should I do? (By the way, we're both 14.) -- INNOCENT TEEN IN MICHIGAN
DEAR INNOCENT TEEN: You should urge Kyle to get help for his addiction. Addiction, by definition, is behavior that is compulsive and out of control.
The problem with teenage boys getting involved with Internet porn is it gives them an unrealistic expectation of how regular, normal women look and act. Although you don't want to lose him, becoming more involved could lead to his wanting to try out his sexual fantasies with you -- and if you go along with it, it will land you in a world of trouble. The smart thing to do is end this relationship now.
Dear Innocent Teen:
According to your timeline, you were 12 years old when you fell in love with "Kyle." So you are telling me that you discovered love before you got your first period? I don't think so. You are just experiencing your first relationship let down. Congratulations, this will prepare you for future relationships. Considering, now a day's an internet porn addiction is about a 4 on the weirdness scale, I cannot wait for you to write again when you meet the next "sweet, innocent guy," who turns out to have a foot fetish, is a cross dresser, or likes a "dominant" female. Since you are a naive 14 year old, I'm going to guess that you have actually probably watched porn with him, and are writing to Dear Abby to find some sort of justification as to why it's wrong. Your speaking to someone who discovered her first vibrator at 16, you're not fooling anyone but yourself. I think you should tell his parents, and video record the entire conversation and send it to me. I'm sure while his mother weeps in shame, his father will pull him aside and high five him for being a "man," while they compare sites, before the parental internet blocking goes in to effect.
Dear Abby:
Your advice to this girl sucks. Being that you are like 80 and have been doing this advice column for about 100 years, you tend to forget that the world we live in has changed unfortunately. Where I am not encouraging teens to have sex, we live in a society where middle school girls are giving bjs on school busses, because it's the new "norm". We have a hard enough time controlling the pet population, and now that MTV has glamorized teenage pregnancy, a 14 year old with an internet porn addiction is on the bottom of the "things fucked up in today's society" list. I wish that half of the guys I slept with had an internet porn addiction at a young age, then at least I would have more stories to brag about, rather than be embarrassed to talk about. Obviously Abby, you clearly have not researched the porn realm. Porn does not give men an idea of how regular, normal women look and act, clearly you do not understand the "key word" function on a websites search engine. If you would be an avid porn watcher Abby, you would know that not all porn stars are hot, especially since the kid is 14, he's probably on free sites like youporn and pornhub which are real people. You are encouraging this girl to break up with him, without even knowing if this is a real addiction, or a 14 year olds version of "discovering something new." The girl didn't mention that he was pressuring her in any kind of way, so you just decide to jump the gun and break up with him because he could potentially be a pervert? Abby, are you a recruiter for the Catholic Church? Because last time I checked all men and women are perverted in their own ways. It sounds to me like you are using a scare tactic to get her to join a convent.
Keeping it Real -
Shelby
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