Recent Craigslist Postings in Pittsburgh

It's been a while since I scoped out the Craigslist relationship section.  I decided to check it out to see what I had missed.  At one point, people were smart enough to post in the appropriate sections, however something in the tap water must of made Pittsburgh Craiglisters even dumber.  Here are some of my recent favorites.

Women for Men -

Are you man enough? - 28 (South hills)

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Date: 2012-06-15, 6:52PM EDT

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I am looking for a guy that will experiment with toys and strap ons etc
All must be safe. I'm horny right now so don't email me unless you're free n ready to meet

Dear Strap on Sally

           

            What the fuck is wrong with you? Were you just sitting around one night thinking to yourself,  "Well I'm sick of meeting guys with fetishes in bars, so Craigslist seems to be the next best solution, what a great idea!"  Since you are asking for a man to be a submissive, I highly doubt he is going to be man enough to demoralize himself to stick a butt plug up his ass, because apparently in your twisted version of reality, all straight alpha males love inserting things up their asses.  What I don't understand is, indeed the need for a strap on.  Are you a "one hole isn't enough" type?  Or have you so much fun in your life that your vagina is the equivalent of throwing a baseball in to a soccer net?    "All must be safe" huh?  Believe it or not, according to Google, and we all know that if it's on Google it must be true, there are actual documented cases of people choking to death via sex toys.   I hope with after each pathetic encounter you have with some sad desperate man, you wash your toys with soap, dip them in hydrochloric acid and crawl in to the fetal position crying yourself to sleep because of what your life has become...a craigslist posting for sex.  You make even a normal girls vagina want to throw up. 

Cinderella's Missing Slipper - 19 (Perrysville Pa)

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Date: 2012-06-15, 3:57PM EDT

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I am 19 years old and I am looking for a fairytale love. I love romance books and movies, love any type of music except rap, blues and jazz. I love to sit on the beach and just enjoy life. I love watching tv cuddled in someone's arms, going out with friends and sometimes skating and (doing guy things whether you believe it or not). I am sometimes shy but I open up quickly. My age limit right now is 25. I want a man who will tell me his dreams and listen to mine, and support me with everything I do. Someone to take care of me when I'm sick, and hold me close when I wake from a nightmare. Someone who loves taking walks on the beach and watching the sunset, and someone who's not afraid to mention my name in a conversation with his friends. I want someone who will look me in the eye and tell me things that I need to hear, even if I yell back at him and curse at him, because he knows that I need to hear those things. I want someone to catch and dry my tears away and do things that make me forget about what made me angry. And finally, I want someone who will love me enough that one day, I'll walk down the aisle and look him straight in the eyes, knowing that he's mine forever and no one else's. I want him to be brave enough to say the words "I do" and not just because he has to or because he's playing games with my heart. Could this be so hard to do, or is this asking for too much?

Dear "Taylor Swift didn't write that song about your life"

            Ah to be 19, stupid and naive again.  I can't wait to check back with you when your 26, after  having kissed several frogs, only for them not to turn in to real life versions of your prince charming, but more like a hobbit.  Clearly you are not cultured and cannot dance if you do not listen to rap, jazz or blues music, so don't expect any guy to escort you on to a dance floor.  Where you may find ballroom dancing romantic and think you are elegant, the reality is you probably look like your having a seizure and  the guy is only dancing with you to get entertainment.  Clearly you have been too busy fantasizing about your prince to realize that we live in Western PA and the closest quasi beach is 2 hours away. Unless you plan on moving to the territory of Erie or the land of the East Coast, the only sunset you will watch in similar setting will be in a sandbox at a playground.  From the list of requirements that you describe, it sounds to me that there is a reason that you are single.  You sound like an attention starved stage 5 clinger.  Cancel the lifetime movie network, stay away from any and all romantic comedies via movies and books, and stop wishing on stars and praying to your fairy godmother to send your love.  You describe your ideal "man" as a  hybrid of a fictional Disney Prince and a gay man, so to answer your question...YES you are asking for too much. 

Drink hangout tonight - 29 (Brookline)

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Date: 2012-06-15, 7:05PM EDT

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Hi
I am free tonight to drink hang out maybe fuck around.

Dear Pittsburgh's Finest -

            I am super excited that you didn't have the guts to post a picture of yourself along with this ad, it was smart of you not to out yourself as being an alcoholic whore that lacks any kind of self respect.  There is a huge difference between going out, getting drunk and by chance encounter fucking around, vs. holding up a sign in front of random strangers that points straight to your vagina that reads: Open for business, just buy me a drink."  I would expect this behavior from a naive 21-23 year old who is attention starved and has unknowingly self destructed all of her previous relationships, however the fact that you are the same age as me, makes me realize how uneducated you are on the opposite sex.  Clearly every interaction that you have had with men has resulted in disappointment and failure.  You have probably been ignored so many times after sleeping with a guy one time, that even your once reliable "go to penis" is ignoring your calls, which has now resulted in you sitting at home on a Friday night looking for drunken Craigslist wang.  I don't know about you, but I thoroughly enjoy getting drunk with people I have never met before that are completely aware of my loose morals that I so graciously broadcasted on the internet for the world to see.  I'm going to suggest to both the city and any alcoholic beverage company (your choice of course) to create a bronzed statue of you that is going to be placed at Google's Pittsburgh offices for your "Vaginal Contribution to Pittsburgh's Dumbest and Horniest Men." 

Men for Women

Kissing & more, but no sex - 29 (Cranberry)

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Date: 2012-06-18, 12:36PM EDT

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I'm a young reasonably cute skinny guy, looking for someone that's interested in a purely physical relationship that doesn't go all the way. Is anyone out there looking for the same?

Dear Mr. I Still Have my V Card -

                I find it slightly adorable that you are so naive to not only to female anatomy, but also that you unintentionally just told every female on craigslist that you are quite possibly a virgin.  It is rather impressive to  be a virgin near 30 so where I commend you for that, your stupidity in turning to craigslist to find a girl that is just as big of a prude as you makes me chuckle.  You will probably get a lot of responses from like 14 and 15 year olds lying about their age to you that are finding the pressures of today's society too much to deal with and are fearful of being called a slut, tramp, whore,  and 7-11 vagina . Considering you probably one of the only 29 year olds in the tri state area that still relates sexual activity to the "base system" , I'm sure you will find it very easy to communicate with these girls that are of jailbait status, I mean you don't need to understand the game of baseball to get the system.   If you are saving yourself for the right girl, that's fine, but stop being cheap and set up your Christian Singles profile rather than trolling for "pure" women on a site that is known for sexual encounters, fettishes, and downright weirdness.  Did you just discover your penis on your 29th birthday and aren't sure exactly what you are supposed to do with it?  Is it so small that it can be mistaken for the heel of a stiletto?  Do you have improper blood flow issues down there?  These are all scenarios that I'm thinking in an attempt to what your prerequisites for intentional blue balls are.

pantyhose/stockings woman - 25 (south of Pittsburgh)

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Date: 2012-06-18, 11:42AM EDT

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So I was searching through CL and came across an ad in another city posted by a woman dealing with pantyhose and stockings and it got me thinking if anyone would respond to an ad if I posted one. I am a 25 white male and i love a woman who wears pantyhose/stokings with a dress or skirt. I am recently single and looking to explore this as most women i have dated have not worn them. If you do please send me a message whether ur 19 or 49, single, divorced, married or pregnant. I would love to talk to you and see what you have to say, show or whatever and see where we can go from there. Please put "stockings" in the subject line. I do text so if you want to text, send me your number. Tell me a little about you such as your name and age and if you want, include a pic.

Dear Spawn of Santa

                The reason that I am convinced you are the son of Santa, is because you mention that you were searching other cities when you came across a similar post.  I would expect a man that shares the DNA with Kris Kringle, would enjoy getting a jumpstart on the holiday season by trying to find out where stockings are in other cities, only to later use it as a keyword search in your own city...Recently single, no kidding?  I can't imagine any girl that wouldn't enjoy wearing stockings during the abnormally warm spring and now summer that we are having, because nothing makes a lady feel sexier than getting ready to have sex and being covered in leg sweat with a side of swamp ass.  Or quite possibly in your case, from what it sounds like it probably takes a girl more time to get the pantyhose on than it does to get you off, which is not an even trade.  If a girl works in a professional setting or is going to a function that requires them that's one thing, but overall stockings are life's way of saying to females, "In addition to your period, this contraption was also invented to make you feel miserable being a female."    Unless you intend on finding a stripper that has an arsenal of them for her "performances,"  I highly doubt you will find any Pittsburgh girl willing to do this until the Fall/Winter months.  Maybe you should expand your craigslist search to Alaska, the North Pole (however be careful here because you may hit up your sister), or anywhere that has a year round climate of below 40 degrees.

You don't think I'm too rough, do you? (Pittsburgh)

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Date: 2012-06-18, 12:10PM EDT

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It's what you seek and it's what you have wanted. It's what gnawed at you when you were bored out of your mind during vanilla play with a sensitive guy. It's what you fantasize about when you close your eyes. So, here are a few questions for you for during and after we play from a man who will use you and control you the way you have always wished for:

Pulling your pretty hair is not abuse. It's just a friendly reminder.

My fingers groping under your clothes are not aggressive. They're just seeking out your softest parts.

My hand resting on your naked throat is not there for choking. It's just there to help you stay quiet and still.

I'm not going to spank your bare ass for punishment. The spanking you get is just to encourage a little discipline.

It's not about who's dominant and who's submissive. We just both know that sometimes a girl has to be treated a little rough.

Don't we?

If you have a sincere interest, if you are obedient and you are responsive, you must do this for yourself and reply with YES in the subject line.

Dear Donnie Dominant -

                I don't appreciate your assumptions.  At the moment, what I seek and what I want is a vodka red bull and pizza from Buzzi's, strike 1. Strike 2 comes in the form of my mind wandering from while receiving "Vanilla Play" from a sensitive guy.  Unbeknownst to you, I would never fool around with a sensitive guy in the first place, because I am not attracted to men need to use tampons more than I do for their bleeding non-existent vaginas.  Also, at any given minute even if  I am alone or with someone, the thought of my on stage encounter with Vanilla Ice pouring Jagger down my throat 2 years ago works better than any porno I have seen to date, and it wasn't even sexual.  Strike 3 is that you think I have to close my eyes while fantasizing.  Clearly you have been too worried about creating your "How to fail at convincing a woman that I'm not too rough" list, you have forgotten the art of "eye fucking".  I'm guessing from your pathetic attempt to "spin an argument" that you are probably a Lawyer, and not a very good one at that.  With that in mind, here is my rebuttal to your "list". 

1.  I actually quite enjoy my hair.  I don't pay money in the form of washing, coloring and cutting my hair for you to pull it.  If I wanted to get my hair pulled, it would be more gratifying for me to travel back in time to elementary school and pick a fight with another girl.  A smart dominant would at least have the courtesy to pull on only the gray ones, which I'm sure you do not take in to consideration.

2.  Groping is a strong word and should not be used in conjunction with the word soft.  That's like saying "Pretty Ugly".  I don't enjoy waking up to bruising, cramping and the feeling that your nipples are going to fall off after a night of "fun."  When done right, and you walk funny the next day, that's enough of a painful reminder.  Your argument does not stand a chance here, because i'm sure if I groped your balls very hard, you would be crying like a little bitch, and would more than likely go instantly "soft".

3.  I was unaware that for the past 29 years, if I do not wear a scarf 24-7 that my neck is in fact naked, so thanks for bringing this to my attention.  Rather than being a dick and "pretend" choking me, why not politely ask me to be quiet.   Obviously your mother did not teach you that you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar,  which your mommy issues are a completely different topic.  I would love to feel your manly hands on my neck, so that I can reciprocate the favor to you by placing my taser on your dick. 

4. Considering I was never spanked as a child and I turned out ok, I don't need discipline.  Now if I piss on your carpet, shit on your kitchen floor, or rip apart your furniture, then I have no problems allowing you to come at me with a spray bottle or a newspaper.  If parents are getting arrested for spanking their children, what makes you think spanking a grown adult out of "discipline" is a good idea when we are old enough to know the value of a backhand.   

5.  Sure, girls like it rough.  Sometimes we are in the mood to be thrown around like a rag doll and ravished, but you know what?  Other times, we like it passionate, sensual and normal.  Clearly your entire post is directed towards being a dominant, so I'm sure it would be a cold day in hell before you would let a girl put you in a pink tutu with a dog collar and make you walk around on your hands and knees.   I envision you as being the straight version of "Mr. Slave" from South Park, which is actually not as exciting as the cartoon. 

Keeping it real -

Shelby