Sunday, June 3, 2012

Match.com - the blog that cost me $35...

            Match.com claims to be the forerunner of online dating websites, claiming that it has the highest success rate of relationships and marriages.  Being that this company spends millions of dollars on ad campaigns every year trying to place themselves as the best of the best, I decided to break down and test it out to see if it really all it's cracked up to be. 

            I had been on match.com 2 times previously, paying the $35 dollars for the 1 month subscription.  So my current tab with them is now $105 dollars that I paid with the hopes of finding love in my city.  I was always against paying for any kind of dating website, considering the first 2 times I went on match, nothing came out of it. I always felt I could of taken the money I spent the first two times and went down to Erotica. Supporting single fathers who are working their way through med school seems a better use of $70 than a website subscription.  With an optimistic outlook and the ghosts of my past released, I decided to reactivate my account to see if things had changed.

            Shockingly enough, the site has changed...dramatically.  It's confusing as shit and not as user friendly as an OKCupid or a Plenty of Fish.  You would think being that they are making money off of subscribers, they would at least make the website idiot proof.

And now here are Shelby's dislikes on Match.com

1. When you email someone, it does not show that you responded back to them or not with any kind of reply icon, so you psychically have to go in to every email to see if you replied because if it is an ongoing conversation, it doesn't group it in to 1 bulk email.  It only states "you emailed this person.,"  No shit, thank you for stating the obvious  match.com.   Keeping up with this, while managing 30-40 emails is a full time job itself.  Match.com should be fucking paying me $35, a reasonable hourly rate to get them up to speed with the user friendliness. 

2. It literally lists everyone on this earth that views your profile, and when they view it.  I can backtrack to see if people are ignoring me and they can track to see if I am ignoring them.  Therefore, it makes secret stalking impossible.   This leads to the awkward "call out emails" of "Hey I saw you viewed me yet you didn't say anything. What gives?"  to which you feel you are obligated to answer considering you have just been caught red handed like a kid reaching in to a cookie jar.  This then leads to awkward conversations with someone that you are not really interested in, all because you decided to actually read their profile but didn't see anything that sparked your interest. 

3. The "they are interested" section is based on daily matches.  These people, as in a kindergarten setting, get a quick peek of your profile and then based on pretty much how you look and general stats, decided to click "yes meet me", "no" and "maybe."  The problem with this is that it is not easily visible through the site unless you click on a tiny tab that appears almost out of nowhere half the time.  When you try to delete people, you get about 10 in when it starts repeating the same people that you have in fact deleted, causing your cache not to empty.  It makes you start to think you are going crazy because you feel like you have seen that person before, when in fact you have, when you deleted them the first time.



Overall aside from the dislikes the pool of people is certainly more mature.  I was quite impressed with some of the messages I received, and the potential for actual dates is looking pretty good.   I wouldn't suggest going on there longer than a month.  After the initial "fresh meat" allure wears off of your profile, the emails slow to a halt, and you don't really talk to any new people, only ones you have been chatting with.  Most of the men that have messaged me are near my age range, have legitimate jobs,  and don't send stupid messages...well except for a slight few....



27/m/pit

hello,
You need to watch harry puppet pals if your a true fan. I to love the color blue. How are You?

How am I doing?  I'm actually really mind fucked right now considering I have no clue what the hell you are talking about.  Before googling this nonsense, my first thought as to what harry puppet pals are lead me to believe it was some sort of sock puppet porn website.  Post google, I realized that where my love of Harry Potter may slightly put me in to the geek category, the fact that you compare the sock puppet parody version of it to being a "true fan," makes me realize that we do not share the same morals.  I'm glad that you think because we both enjoy the same color that we are meant to chat.  Out of 10 million colors to choose from, we share the same liking for the color blue.  If that doesn't scream uniqueness and fate then I don't know what does.  I wonder if I say that I enjoy breathing air if you will buy me a ring?

42/m/pitt

hey girl, wow dat's a smokin hot booty you have there, ouch!!
i'd marry you in a second;p

kisses and enjoy;o

Whats up playa playa?  I didn't know that there was an pimp translator on Match.com.  I don't know what is more sad, the fact that you are 42 years old and using the slang of 20 year old rappers, or the fact that you think that approach works on a site for people that are looking for non creepers.  There is not a single angle that shows my ass in any of my posted pics, therefore you have managed to create an imaginary version of what my ass would look like in your mind.   You want to marry me?  I wouldn't be surprised if you were one of those guys that complain about how all you meet are crazy women and can't seem to find a normal girl.  In the course of 3 sentences you managed to display 3 different personality types.  1. The "bad boy" who thinks pimp talking can whisper your way in to any vagina, 2. The "potential restraining order guy" who probably tells a girl that he loves her after the first date, and 3. A sexually confused man that isn't afraid to overuse girly words like kisses and uses too many emoticons. 



35/M/pitt

Excellent profile--we share several interests. Before I craft a complementary piece, might you be intrigued?

My god...nice curves

You can "craft a complementary piece " all you want.  I'm glad I sat on your first message for a couple of days, because the second message I received was so well crafted and complementary, that it made this blog.  I am convinced that it is not your lack of social skills that brought you to match.com, but the reason that you joined this site was to beat off to girls that are "in your area."  I get it, subscription porn sites can be expensive, and where is the allure of watching two people you will never meet get it on?   I'm sure you and your circle of friends, also on Match.com sit around searching for hotties to jerk off to on a Friday Night, so that Saturday Night if there is a chance public encounter with any of these women you can take it one step forward on creeping them out, but I gotta tell you, this approach may not work for you.  I may not be the Director of First Impressions, however if I were, you wouldn't even get an interview. 



30/M/pitt

Hi, how are you? You seem like a cool girl that I would like to know more about. Looks like we have somethings in common. Would like to know if we have more. Noticed that you own a dog, what is its name? I love dog!
Have a good weekend,



I'm am pretty sure that your "I love dog!" comment was a typo, however any animal lover reading that probably did a double take, process it for a minute and either convinced themselves that it was a friendly typo, or you have an affliction for dogs that exceeds any type of moral acceptance.  I will never tell you my Shitzu's name,  simply because I am fearful you may eat him.  I would be ok with you doing an interpretative dance presentation for my dog showcasing the hardships his family faced during their pilgrimage from China to the US?  Absofuckinglutely.  Or maybe painting a mural in his honor at a dog park so all the bitches can hump his face? Fantastic!  In my mind, you walk that thin line between dog enthusiast and dog "lover" and not in a positive way. 



32/m/PA

I honestly feel like your profile indicates that you're looking for someone like me, yet I doubt that my profile would indicate that to you.

Is it just me, or is this a little weird of a message to send to someone right off the bat?  What makes you think that I am looking for someone like you, if your profile doesn't reflect that?  Oh that's right, I forgot, you are not supposed to put actual things about yourself in the "about me" section, because the heading "about me" doesn't indicate that at all.  You must new to not only the online dating world, but world of logic as well.    Your redundancy makes me feel like I am witnessing a rap battle between two people with a speech impediment.  There are 1000 better approaches to being "mysterious," if that's what you were going for, instead you chose the biggest epic fails of cryptic messages.   Congrats on that one, you will continue to remain a single virgin for longer than you had hoped. 



30/m/PA

Next weekend I was thinking of robbing a bank, fleeing down to the ocean, driving off a cliff into the water and faking my own death (SCUBA tanks in trunk) Wanna come? You may need to drive though, as I was hoping to be able to throw Neil Diamond records at the cops from the passenger side window. It would be an act of defiance, also I hate Neil Diamond. You should also bring sandwiches in case we need a snack break, no egg salad though, it smells like farts.



I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that  you think you are witty by sending girls this email of nonsense, or the fact that you are the same repeat offender from OK Cupid that married and divorced me in your own head, allowing me to keep our imaginary dog.  Clearly not only do you suffer from the disappointment that your love life has become, but you also don't remember embarrassing yourself to the same women on multiple websites.  In your message to me on Okcupid, I did not respond because you had already set up our imaginary relationship up for failure ending in divorce.  On Match.com I did not respond to you because 1. clearly you are an attention starved weirdo, who hates his life so much that he wants to fake his own death, 2. you don't even have the decency to be the driver on this disaster date, and 3.  you compared the smell of egg salad to farts...Where you make take pride in saying what everyone else is thinking, you can take pride in knowing that word that comes out of your mouth is like a fart, it can clear out a room full of women. 



32/m/PA

I'd try your hair straightened it I were you!



Thank you asshole.  I'm glad that you took the time to creep my pictures enough to notice that my hair is the same style in every pic.  I'm also glad that you took all about 5 seconds to write an email to me, basically telling me that you don't like my hairstyle.  Since we are being honest, allow me to stalk your profile and critique you as to why you will never score with match.com.  1.  You claim that you are 32 years old, however you look that of a 12 year old boy.  I'm sure it takes you 6 months to grow any kind of facial hair, and I respect that, so if you start now, maybe by December you will not look like a man-child.  And 2. one word...manscaping.  Since we are talking about bad hairstyle decision, may I suggest you take some wax or tweezers to those caterpillars that are nesting above your eyebrows, because it looks like you have 2 landing strips pointing to the middle of your forehead where there is a flashing marquee displaying "doushebag."   If  you think that "constructive criticism" works on dating websites, allow me to personally refund you the entire amount that you paid for your subscription, so that I may save every girl you email the time and aggravation of losing the 5 seconds of her life wasted on reading your unwanted opinion.



Keeping it real..

-Shelby

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