21 vs 40 - The Male Perspective

Guest Blogger - Chuck

            Hi gang!  Well, you all know the drill.  Time to do a little guest writing for Shelby.  Last week she did a nice little comparison of her mindset at 21, and compared it to how she things now at 30.   That was chalk full of some pretty good laughs.  But, I'm sure not only did some of you laugh, but you also said "holy shit, I did the same damn things."   So, of course later on in the week, I got a text from Shelby looking for a guys eye view.  And this works out two because as some of you may know, I'm going to be.....oh god fuck.....40 next Friday on February 1st.  

           

            The last couple of months I keep thinking to myself, "how in the hell did I get here at this point in my life?  Am I really 40 years old?  I don't feel it at all."   That's kind of a lie.  Sometimes I do.  I've seen some posts this week on Facebook from friend that made me feel old.  One of my close friends growing up has a son graduating; and old co-worker has son who went to his first winter formal; one of my old Lead Petty Officers (ABH1) posted something about her having a grandson.  I about shit myself.  So, anyhow, I know people say age is just a number, and it truly is, but man how we used to think, and how we think now, are really truly different. (Unlike Jem, who is just simply truly outrageous.)

When I was 21:  Going out

            "I'm in the Navy.  I'm on an aircraft carrier.  Chicks f'ning LOVE guys in the Navy.  I mean come on Top Gun proved that right?  Maybe I'll find a Kelly McGillis here in the bay area.  That would rock.  Yeah,  I'm in the fucking Navy.  I'm probably gonna hook up.  This is awesome.   I'm going to wear my navy jacket too so they know I'm in the Navy.  If they ask, I'll tell them I'm a pilot.  That works right?  Wait, one of us have a car.  We have to ride the bus.  That's not going to work out at all.  None of thes girls will talk to us.  No dumbass we're not cops, we're in the Navy.  Great they are walking away?  What the hell, they're supposed to be all over us!  Oooohhhhh somebody lied to me...."

Now that I'm 40:  Going out

            "Why am I even going out?  Everyone else I know is at home.  Hell they are probably in bed.  But it's Friday, what else am I going to do?  I gotta meet somebody somehow.  Oh god why won't this girl just shut up! I have no idea what the hell she is talking about.  Oh god please be quiet.  Seriously, you just aren't making any sense.  I think I just got dumber  from listning.  I really gotta stop being the nice guy.  They all seem to want to tell me their life story.  Sweetheart, been there done that.  I'm 40 years old, and I really don't give a shit.  I'm watching the Pens."

When I was 21:  Pics

            "Damn, I look so much better than I did when I graduated.  Dropped some weight.  This pic looks great.  Love it.  Gotta do something about the hair though.  These military cuts suck.  Everyone knows we're in the Navy because of it.  Oh well, I still look great though. Feel good too.  Yeah,  i'm killer."

Now That I'm 40:  Pics

            "Holy shit does my playoff beard have a ton of grey in it.  Hell I think there is more grey in my beard than my dad has.  Son of a bitch.  I'm not supposed to look that old!  Well, at least the hair looks ok.  Keepin in short. Hides the grey.  Of course, I'm not so sure it will grow back anyway.  Oh well.  Smile for the group pic Chuck. Suck in the guy, and push your face forward. It will hide the double chin.  look down too, and maybe clench your neck muscles.  Oh great, looks like I'm taking a crap.  Can we get a do over on that shot? Sorry everyone."

When I was 21:  Clothing (this applies to when I was 25/26 as well, doing Karaoke at Fredericks in Moon.)

            "Dude we found the best clubbing shirts.  Yeah, this is something that says rock star.  Yeah, I'll wear this Friday night.  Mom why the hell are you lookin at me funny?  There is nothing wrong with this shirt.  Whatever, this shirt kicks ass.  It's the style."

Now that I'm 40:   Clothing

            "What in the hell was I thinking all those years ago.  I wasted so much money on the ugliest f'n shirts.  I'm so glad I do not have any of them anymore.  Wait, I like this one.  I think it looks good.  Better take a pic and text it to Bonnie, Carie, and Chrissy.  They'll set me straight.  Ok, apparently Bonnie does like button snaps.  Carie said to change my shirt, and to spray my crotch.  Not sure why.  Whatever.  Where the hell were they 15 years ago to help me dress?"

Wait, got one more.....

Shelby decied to give her thoughts on periods.  It's quite obvious that I can't have one of those, so, for the sake of humor.....

When I was 21:  Boners

"For the love of god what the hell?  It's like every time I look at a girl.  Damn calm down junior, she's gonna notice.  She may even point and laugh.  Oh pull the shirt down, hide the hard on.  Better just invest in large shirts because apparently this thing is on overdrive."

Now that I'm 40:  Boners

"Oh thank god the f'ing  thing still works!  Better pull the shirt down to hide it."

And there you have my two cents....later kids! Enjoy the good laugh.

Keeping it Real

-Chuck

21 vs 30...How the mindset changes

                One random Saturday Night, I was out with some friends keeping on the sober side of things (shocking I know), and I was in a very observant mood.  I hadn't been out in a while, so I was excited to witness people's behavior from a sober perspective.  I started thinking back to my early 20s (considering the bars I happened to be at were chalk full of 21-23 year olds)  and couldn't help but laugh at how differently you see things when you are older.  As I watched drunk guys with beer goggles attempt to get laid, and watched drunk insecure girls fall in love with these men, I couldn't help but channel my inner 21 year old and reflect back on some of the best years of my life, just to see how differently I think now vs. 9 years ago.  The results are somewhat funny.

When I was 21: Going Out

                "I am dressed practically naked and boy do I look good. Me and my friends are the hottest looking girls in this club and we are going to get tons of guys.  I'm going to get shitfaced, make out with my friends on the bar "coyote ugly" style and purposely try to get a guy hard while dancing with him so I can laugh about it with my friends."

Now that I am 30: Going Out

                "I am dressed like a nun compared to these 21 year old girls that are running around half naked, and they all seem to be size 0's and have bigger, perkier boobs than me due to age or surgery.  I don't want to drink a lot tonight because I have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow and I don't want to feel the shitty thanks to a hangover.  Oh look, those girls are making out with each other on the bar, I remember when that was cool, but that bar seems really high up and what if I were to fall off?  I may hurt myself really bad.  God I wish I was wearing yoga pants right now instead of this outfit."

When I was 21:  Clothing

                "I am going to find the smallest pant size possible and cram my ass in to them regardless of how tight they are because I am going to convince myself that I am in fact 2 sizes smaller than what I am.  It's ok if I can't breathe because at least my muffin top is covered by my super sexy shirt that is showing mad cleavage which will be a total distraction.  Later in the night, if I do end up ripping my pants, I'm just going to laugh it off and blame it on being drunk, rather than admitting that maybe they were a bit too tight in the first place.  I will never wear boy shorts or "granny panties" because they are lame, and thongs are a way of life.

  

Now that I am 30:  Clothing

                "I am going to buy these pants a size bigger for 2 reasons.  One so that if they are slightly baggy, it will appear as if I am skinner that what I am, and it will give the illusion that I recently lost weight.  Two so that I can walk around in comfort because now that my pants are looser,  I'm not picking my newly purchased boy shorts out of my ass.   If I've already got flip flops giving me a wedgie of the toe, why do I need to wear thongs to have a constant wedgie in my ass?  Thongs have become "special occasion only."  Also because I bought these pants a size too big,  if I do put on a couple of lbs, I don't have to go out and buy an entirely new wardrobe because these will be my warrior jeans."

When I was 21: Photographs

                "Wow I really need to lose weight, I look terrible!  What was I thinking wearing that outfit, it was so plain!  My hair looks pretty freaking cute though, I'm going to have to dye it that exact same color in the spring.  I'm super pale right now, I need to hit up a tanning booth or else I'm going to look like Casper this winter.  I can't believe how much fun I am, at this rate, I can get any guy I want!

Now that I'm 30: Photographs

                "Wow I can't believe I thought I was fat back then.  Look how wrinkle free my face was.  If I could pull that outfit off now, I would be a total slut.  I can't believe how blonde my hair was, was I trying to look like a Playboy Bunny reject?  Oh that reminds me, I need to make a hair appointment to get my gray's covered up.  Tanning Booth?  Those things are bad for you  and I don't want my face to look like leather in 10 years and the last thing I want to do is look like Snooki's long lost sister. I can't even go out in natural sunlight without wearing SPF 15.   I can't believe how lame I've become, I'm going to end up alone with 50 cats."

When I was 21: Periods

                I feel like an alien baby is about to rip from my uterus.   I want to eat everything in freaking sight right now, and bathe in chocolate but I can't because I'm so bloated I could of been a spare flotation device for the Titanic.  WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?!  I don't like that tone of your stare, ok your now officially pissing me off, just your presence is pissing me off.  I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you.

Now that I'm 30: Periods

                I feel like an alien baby is about to rip from my uterus.   I don't want to go out tonight, I just want to lay in bed and be miserable because every outfit I put on,  I look like humpty dumpty's twin sister.  I need to sleep at least 5 additional hours because these cramps are kicking my ass.   WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?!  I don't like that tone of your stare, ok your now officially pissing me off, just your presence is pissing me off.  I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you.

When I was 21: Exercising

                "Even though I am a size 0, I still need to lose weight.  I'm still going to eat and drink what I want though.  I go dancing at least 1-2 days a week, so that should cancel out having to go to a gym, because that is technically cardio and  when I dance, I don't leave the floor till 2 am.  Even though I drink Captain and Coke, it's still ok because I sweat my ass off so it instantly leaves my body and nothing tops off a heavy night of drinking like crushing a Domino's Pizza or Seafood Wontons."

Now that I'm 30: Exercising

                "Dear metabolism: Fuck You.  Clearly you and I were not in a committed relationship, considering you left me high and dry.  Now thanks to you, I have had to become a hypocrite and changed my lifestyle.  I have changed my diet, and am now forced to actually exercise at least 3-5 times a week, in order to not feel like a beached whale during the summer.  With every step I take on my treadmill,  I resent you more and more.  With every bead of sweat that drips from my face, some may consider it a "win" for my health, however I consider it my body crying in anger. "

Keepin' it Real -

Shelby