Everyone is single for a reason...

Being single is a lot like drinking. Some of us just can't seem to find a drink that compliments us and is the perfect tasty mix, other drinks are so disgusting and nasty that after one sip they make us want to projectile vomit. There are even occurrences where some people just choose not to drink at all because it's better for them mentally or are even recovering from a terrible hangover.  

At the end of the day, regardless of wether you are the equavillant of a raging alcoholic like me that goes on plenty of first dates hoping to find the perfect cock-tail (get it? Cock-tail, ha!) or the recovering alcoholic who's ability to get super love drunk resulted in the worst hang over of your life, always remember you are single for a reason. 

As the eve of my 32 birthday approaches and I still continue to seach for my perfect concock-tion(haha I did it again) I always like to reflect on the past year, and it was by far the year of the asshole. In the love department, as always I made very terrible choices when it came to dating, finding myself doing the chasing and not the one being chased,  finding that the few that I took an actual liking in only for them to not feel it mutually, and my personal favorite, the ones that just really have no regard for other people's feelings and just take total advantage of your kindness.  Either way, I don't want a pity party, I have enough vodka fully stocked at my place to throw myself one hell of an unrememberable party. If anything, I'm 100% better off this year than I was last year when it comes to the life department because I have more friends now than I can say I have ever had, and I'm more greatful for that than anything. 

I decided I needed another break from online dating when yet another potential situation fizzled out like it always does, and I found myself not feeling that the feeling was mutual or that I was being chased adequately, so feeling defeated again, I waved the white flag and threw in the towel. 

I hid all profiles and let my match.com subscription run out, fully knowing that my social life will go from 3 dates a week to non exsistant....and im ok with that.  I'm smart enough to know that I'm not a fan favorite, and it's going to take someone who literally pisses awesomeness to win me over. 

With that being said, I have embraced my character flaws, and have used it to channel material for this blog and truly feel with my ongoing experience that online dating is a great alternative to birth control.  I feel parents should require 2 things now a days, 1. Watch the infamous 6th grade "miracle of birth" tape and 2. Put their children on a dating website for 1 month (in a controlled environment of course). Simply by allowing them to swim in a sea of the mostly socially awkward people that range from perverts, white trash, rednecks, extremely overweight, "I should be on the Maury Povich show bc I have several offspring", would cause any decent human being to want to get sterile. 

Finding your own level of normalcy in online dating is like finding a needle in a haystack. Granted, there are just as many genuinely nice people on these sites as their are degenerate fucks, but unfortunately even on the Internet, nice people finish last. 

The format of this blog is more informative and mean girl-ish than funny. With that being said, here is a collection of messages received that would get streamlined to the category of, "you are single for an obvious reason".

Dear Unmagic Mike-

Let me list the reasons as to why magic

school does not suffice as a proper education. 1. You spelled Pittsburgh wrong. Any true yinzer would find this to be an abomination to the entire Pittsburgh nation. Clearly hogwarts does not teach geography classes.  2. If you think me asking the men of online dating to be respectful is having strict morals, then clearly you are dumber than I thought you were and don't even understand the definition of exactly what "morals" are. Did you not learn from your classmate Harry Potter that doing the right moral thing leads to banging your best friends sister?  3. At the end of your message you bluntly state we wouldn't work out, but yet still waste my time by hitting the send button. It's a shame you can't use your magic to go back in time and just not send it all together. 

 

I can't figure out why this Prince Charming is single?

So the backstory to this is that this fucktard is the only person in 32 years to stand me up. Congrats on being the worlds worst liar asshole!  It is by far the worse lie I have came across.  If he ever contacts me again, I will literally break his dial finger so he will be incapiable of texting at all. 

I didn't know they give mental patients internet access. This is what I like to call "having a conversation with yourself".  He wants to hook up, shook up and be friends...he sounds like an unreleased Rick astley song.

Keep your pimp hand strong friend, just pretend it's someone else so you feel less pathetic ;)  

Awe everyone..please welcome back "mr. I can't handle rejection" from "the lonely hearts club" blog. After blocking this psychopath, he continued to msg me from a yet another different screen name. In addition to being a pathetic asshole, he also doesn't realize that arguing with someone online is like trying to punch air....moron

You had me at "I'll you a condom"...shows such sign of maturity and responsiblity....

Nothing says dateable than a crotch in a mirror pic...

nothing good ever comes by starting a conversation with "can I ask you something?"

And for ther finalie..

The return of Big Ron..

At the end of the last blog, Ron left us with dildo pictures and not taking no for an answer, clearly nothing has changed 

Thank you to everyone who reads this and shares with friends. I am truly greatful that you take the to read this, abd hope you get good laughs. If you are single, I hope you dont feel alone in the struggles of online dating. When in doubt, always think to yourself, "is this message blog worthy" and if the message is yes, rethink your strategy!

Keeping it real

Shelby