Walking disasters...

Being notoriously good at being single, recently I have changed my views on dating. You see before, I was a pessimistic the glass is half empty type person that would not get excited at all about having to shower, put on make up and even leave the house. I felt this way because I went in to these dates mentally prepared for the worst while hoping for the best. I used to write someone off very easily even for saying one wrong thing. 

I now try to be a glass is half full kind of person that goes in to a date open mindedly giving someone the benefit of the doubt...unless they annoy me

Or disrespect me in any kind of way.  Once we reach that point it's hard to come back from...then they just become the laughing stock of me and my friends. 

Dating this time around has been different for me too, simply because for a change, I am actually enjoying myself. In lieu of getting down on myself because I don't forsee a second date or feel any chemistry, I'm learning to embrace the different types of people that I meet/go out with, and maturely come to the conclusion that they are not the one for me, and it's on to the next one in the event that sparks don't fly. 

Lately though, During my dating adventures, I have ran in to some doozies that really have legit reasons as to why they are single, and not just by my standards, but by societies. Anytime I feel as if I am slipping back in to negative Nancy mode by fatal flawing someone, I always consult my 2 closest female friends and other female counterparts that always give me a realistic answer. Most of the time, they agree with me, which is nice to know that my levels of normalcy align with theirs. 

And with that I present three dating experiences that I have been on recently that were noteworthy blog material...

Lemme take a selfie....

I had met a 38 year old financial broker on Pof. He seemed legit and right up my alley. He was good looking, tall and had decently normal pictures of himself on his profile. His descriptions were very well written and he seemed intelligent and in a good place with his life, and after messaging back and forth for a couple of days we exchanged numbers. 

Within the first couple of messages via text I received a selfie from him, which i 1. Did not ask for and 2. Really didn't understand why, when we weren't talking about anything selfie related, but trying to place logic behind it, I thought maybe he just wanted to confirm that he was not cat fishing me, so I let it go. Upon receiving the first selfie, I then received 3 more within a 5 minute span, all of which were already on his dating profile....it was at this point I knew I couldn't take this guy serious. 

I have a very strong opinion on selfies...and I'm sure I am going to offend like 1/3 of my Facebook friends when I go on my rant, but everyone is entitled to their own opinions right? 

I am not a selfie person. I do not take them and send them to random people for no reason nor do I post them on Facebook. Typically if I am sending you a selfie it is of a facial expression that I am making in response to a comment that you have made. On occasion, I will flick someone off, thumbs up, or even just smile and show crazy eyes, to reply in a witty way. The abuse of selfie taking has hit an all time high in recent years (thank you fucking all things kardashian) and now people feel the need to take selfies with no grounds behind them.  Nothing irritates me more than when someone posts a selfie and adds a headline that has absofuckinglotley nothing to do with the picture being shot. Seeing someone's face, followed by a caption that is a Marilyn Monroe quote does not make you cool, it's a cry for attention. Hey, if you are having a bad day and need a pick me up, that's fine - go for it. If you are looking good and want to show the world how awesome your make up is, I'll support that...but leave the goddam stupid redundant inspirational quotes or meaningless headlines to yourself and just leave it at "new makeup" or "I feel pretty today".  At least that way, you are directly asking for attention, in lieu of trying to be coy about it...men shouted from the roof tops that duck faces are super unattractive, yet we did it anyways...I really hope the selfie era ends as quickly as Adrian Petersons career did after doing something extremely stupid. 

So after 5 selfies in one text convo, I was exhausted and headed to bed. Unfortunately I was awoken to a "good morning selfie" which was him..lying in bed...shirt off...with his come hither eyes. I wanted to vomit. I truly thought a 38 year old man with a good job and great education would be smart enough to know not to act like a 21 year old self conscious college girl with daddy issues, but apparently I was wrong... And then it got even better when he asked me for a selfie to which I replied no...I don't do selfies. 

 

Our painful conversation continued and I was growing equally annoyed. In addition to the pictorial of his daily habits I had received, he was also one of those overly optimistic types that would end every text with "right on" and "I'm digging your positive energy". All I kept visualizing was Matthew McConaughey in tropic thunder where his character is an overly super annoying and positive. That was him and I wanted to fucking strangle him. 

As the days passed it became a fun experiment for me. I started to Pavlov's dog him. Every time he would send me a selfie, I would not respond, yet every time he would send me a normal text I would respond, just to see if he would subliminally get the hint, and of course he didn't.  It became a fun game for me, that I even shared with my friends as I would laugh over drinks and show them the fantastic pictorial that my iPhone so graciously assembled via its new update where it now summarizes every pic message that is sent between you and another person.   At this point I had to witness this human being in person, strictly for my own entertainment. So after 2 cancellations due to scheduling conflicts, the big date fell upon us. 

We agreed to meet at a local place that is known for their burgers. Him making it very clear that he is a health nut, chose the place which was surprising. As I was getting ready, he had asked me if the time was still good to which I replied "yepperz".  He then questioned my choice of words by adding a "z" to the word yepperz and continued to ask me yes or no questions. I had noticed after answering "yepperz" 2 times he had became annoyed. Had I had finally found his kryptonite?!  Yepperz!  

I continued for the next few text messages to add the letter "z" to everything, just for shitz and gigglez. This really got him worked up and annoyed and at this point I absolutely couldn't wait to meet him. 

Upon his arrival, he looked exactly like his pictures..all 27 of them that he had previously sent to me, so it was hard for him to fool me. It was sad because he was tall, good looking and well dressed.   As he sat down at the table, we began the painful 1 hour convo, it began with micromanaging of my entree choice. When I told the waitress that I wanted only meat and cheese on my burger, he glared across the table at me like a confused puppy. When I asked him what's up, he asked why I got a plain burger, and explained to him that I don't eat vegetables. It was almost watching a robot go in to meltdown mode, I could of swore I saw smoke coming from his ears as the mouse stopped running, because he then proceeded to tell me how weird I am, and gave me a lecture for 5 minutes about the necessity of vegetables in an every day diet. It was the eye roll heard around the world for me, and I you felt the earth shift a bit one random Saturday in October, that was my feeling of giving a fuck leaving the restaurant and entering the atmosphere...so sorry for that if you felt it. 

 

After struggling through a conversation that consisted of clean food choices via crockpotting, finding out that Joe Magnello was not the sexy beast in high school he is today in return this mind set indirectly fuels the life in to my battery operated objects, and watching him squirm as I ate the bread separately front my sandwich (because bread is empty calories, right on) we then got to the most important part of the date, "why do you add "z" to everything?" 

I replied accordingly, "I'm sorry does it bother you that I do that?"  He said-"yes, it's improper grammar". "Oh so it really annoyed you huh?" I asked. "Yes it did," he replied. "Oh ok, so now you know what it's like for me everytime  you send me a selfie that pertains to nothing conversation related, you are welcome!" Again looking like a confused puppy I explained to him that a 38 year old man should not be acting like a 21 year old college girl with self esteem issues and he should know better. He agreed to never send me a selfie ever again, and I felt at that instance that I had won a small battle in the ongoing selfie war. As we wrapped things up all I wanted to do was get home, so naturally when he asked me for coffee afterwards, i declined and literally gave him the "2 pats on the back hug" and jumped in my car as if I was carjacking myself. Literally as I pulled in the drive way I got a text telling me that he thought that we should just be friends and it was a pleasure meeting me. That was one friend zone I was more than happy to enter. 

Two weeks later when I posted my skanky Halloween costume pics across the dating websites to draw out the freaks, I got a text from him. Apparently he saw my pics and felt maybe he had jumped the gun about the just being friend thing....I didn't even justify that comment with an answer....

Do you want to go to the pirate game?During my first try at match.com in my early 20s I didn't have much luck. Granted, I also wasn't the same person that I am now, so when the only guy I ever went out with from round one found me on linked in, I decided I would be willing to give it another go. I remember his fatal flaw years ago was that he wore a guido chain (pre Kesha "Jesus on my necklace reference") and a blazer to our date to McFaddens to watch a pens game. Naturally, I wore pens gear and jeans, because that is what is considered normal attire to wear to an establishment that even at its cleanest and emptiest reeks of vomit and your shoes stick to the floor like quicksand. I remember the convo being pretty normal, but he was just extremely overdressed for the occasion and I fatal flawed him. 

Fast forward several years later, where I appreciate a guy in sports gear any day, I thought maybe I may have over reacted, and decided to give it another go. 7 years had passed and I have grown up a lot since then, both mentally and maturely. 

Upon our initial convo, I discovered I still had his number in my phone, and there was no crazy note attached to it like "Steve daddy issues" or "Mark DONOT ANSWER" so I figured he wasn't all that bad.  So we began to plan the date accordingly. 

He had mentioned that he had tickets to a Friday night Pirates game. I was totally ok with a Pirate game date because it's unique and told him that was ok if he wanted to do that, to which he said ok.  That was Tuesday. 

On Wednesday, I got the standard "HI, how is your day" text, which led to normal convo. Mid way through he asked me, "so what do you want to do on Friday?"  I was a bit taken back by this considering I thought we had confirmed we were going to the pirate game. I even went back in to my texts to make sure I wasn't making it up. Sure enough there had been a text from Tuesday saying the pirate game was ok. 

Confused I replied, "I thought we already said we were going to the pirate game?" To which he replied, "well I wasn't sure if you still wanted to go, so I gave those tickets away.  It's ok I will get new ones."  Strange, I thought. What is any more crystal clear to someone then Yes let's go to the pirate game on fri?  Not really sure how one would mistake that?  Oh well no big deal, I thought and the convo continued. 

Almost 5 minutes later he asked me again, what I wanted to do on Friday and at this point I was starting to get annoyed. Either he is kinda dumb, suffers from memory issues, is on something, or not paying attention. As slightly angry as one can get over text msg I said," I just said 5 min ago and yesterday, let's go to the pirate game."   Almost immediately my phone rings and its him. 

"I figured this would be easier" he said, and instead of talking about our plans he started with small talk. After a couple of min, he says, "so what do you want to do on Friday?"  Im baffled at this point, and finally being able to hear my frustration in my voice said, "ok for the 4th time, why don't we go to the pirate game?"  He then gave this explanation that he wanted to make sure I was ok with going to the pirate game with him so he was just making sure...4 times apparently. At this point, the exciting feeling of going to the game on Friday was drifting down the river of dating despair. I'm not sure what was more painful, saying yes to the date and additional 5th time, or trying to coordinate a location to meet. 

I had suggested that since I work downtown it was easier for me to just stay in town after work and just walk to the north shore and meet him. Apparently it was almost as if it was a system meltdown and his brain went in to panic mode, because the idea confused him. "Don't you want to ride in to the game together?" He said, to which I explained to him it was easier and logically easier for me to just meet him on the north shore. Makes sense right?  Nope not to him. He wanted me to get on a bus going out of the city, to which he would pick me up at said bus stop only to head back in to the city for the game. Saying the entire idea out loud lowered my own IQ a few points.  After informing him that there was absolutely no way that I was going to do that plan we finally agreed to meet at a North Shore location. We had set a time a location and exactly when I thought we had actually made any kind of progress as to nailing down detailed plans he then stop the conversation and asked "so what do you want to do on Friday?"  At this point I was now exceptionally annoyed and I was convinced that he was on something. Trying not to show my frustrations and go into total bitch mode I decided to change the conversation. We then began to talk about the past seven years of our lives (mostly me and an emphasis on the past 2 years of mine), to which we started talking about our own trials and tribulations. I began to talk about how I was hosting singles events and through hosting singles events I was meeting great people and started talking about my one friend who was going through a transitional time where unfortunately his ex was a coworker. 

As I got halfway through my story he stopped me and said "I have a friend, and he was going through a rough time too so I helped him". Then there was an awkward silence at the end of the phone because I expected him to elaborate. That's when I realize I think he fell asleep and he had no intentions of elaborating because his train of thought trailed off. That was my cue to end the conversation. Literally the minute that I hung up the phone I texted him and said we should probably not hang out because I didn't think our personalities would click. My surprise I got a very simplistic reply of "ok". Two weeks later I got a random text message from him at 2 o'clock in the morning asking me where I've been, to which I just ignored. 

The next week I was talking to one of my friends and we were catching up and what was new and exciting in our lives. She then proceeded to tell me about how the night before she had gone out with a guy who turned out to be exceptionally weird. She continued to tell me details about her date and how she went to a bar and met up with this guy and two of his friends and within five minutes of meeting him he was already trying to put his arms around her waist and telling her how much he liked her. She said there was something off about him chill and how the conversation just didn't really flow. Headed felt good secretly knowing that I wasn't the only one going on a terrible date with a weird person so I asked her to send me a picture of this guy. I literally almost shit a brick when I was looking at a picture of the same guy that I didn't go to the pirate game with... Out of all of the men in Pittsburgh my friend went out with pirate game guy unbeknownst to either of us... I have literally called her and told her the entire story about pirate game guy the day it happened... The world literally got smaller that day. 

Blast from the past

I had met this guy in 2008 randomly at Jekyll and Hyde halfway to Halloween party. I don't even remember how I happened but we ended up striking up a conversation having similar interests and ended up hanging out a couple of times but nothing ever came out of it so instantly I just assumed that we would remain friends. How is being a perfect gentleman to me and taking care of me when I was belligerent drunk I always had a special place in my heart for this guy but in a friend kind of way.  With each passing year the phone calls and the text sporadically stopped and it turned into a hey how are you every once in a while. Then about three years later I got a Random text the change the entire dynamic of our relationship. And started asking me all of these weird sexual questions that involve vibrators, dildos and anal beads oh my!  I was absolutely shocked to know that this guy could've possibly been what 50 shades of gray was based off of. Where did I have an exceptionally low filter but when I start to get invited to ram random objects up males asses that's not really my thing. So there was a period of time where I didn't respond to him, because I wanted no part of it.  Waking up to a message from somebody asking you to use butt plugs on them typically means your day is going to start out hilariously. 

So after a few years had passed I didn't really expect to hear from him because I had assumed that he had found his Anastasia Steele and was living happily ever after anal beads and all. So I was rather shocked when an old acquaintance of mine texted me to tell me that he had messaged her on plenty of fish looking for me. Realizing that he was single again could only mean one of two things 1. He was still trying to discover his freaky side and needed a friend to talk about it or 2. He experimented, moved on from that phase and just wanted to catch up for old time sake.  So after a brief discussion we decided to meet up for dinner. Hadn't changed a bit since I last saw him. Still very good looking very polite and it was almost as if no time had passed since we last spoke. Out of common courtesy I waited until at least dinner had arrived to start asking him about his sexual encounters. He was very shy to talk about it and I could tell that he wasn't telling me everything so I try to get as much information out of him as I possibly could without making him feel uncomfortable. He tried to play it off as if he was over that life and ready to live a vanilla lifestyle. Luckily I've known him for so many years that I can smell bullshit a mile away when it comes to him. I knew he was lying to try to get into my good graces and that was fine because I still even after all of these years wasn't attracted to him in that way. As no surprise that at the end of the night I got the awkward text that said I like you, we should date. The entire night I tried to Divert the entire conversation away from that exact result.  I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I politely tiptoed around the idea that he was definitely not the one for me. I thought I'd handled the situation very well and mature and even adult like. And then a few days later this conversation happened.... 

Needles to say...dodged a bullet, or dildo with this one...

I would like to dedicate this blog to anybody and everybody who is ran across somebody during their dating experiences that is just a little bit off, or is it slightly abnormal, and is a great story to tell your friends about. I will say that for these three terrifying experiences I have had many more positive ones. Even though I haven't found "the one" yet, i'm at least enjoying the ride. just remember if you can't laugh at yourself, you shouldn't laugh at other people...

Keeping it real-

Shelby