Believe it or not, there have been times in my life were situations have left me absolutely speechless. In almost all of these occasions, rather than making things less weird, I have a tendency to make them even more awkward. You may think that being outspoken and quick witted, I can keep my composure in almost any situation. These are some moments where rather than shutting up, I instantly put my foot in my mouth.
The Chiropractor
Being "that girl," I managed to give myself a fantastic lower muscle back spasm courtesy of Nintendo Wii Fit's Yoga. After going to my primary doctor who is Mr. Anti Pain Killer prescriber, he suggested that I go to a chiropractor. I wanted to go somewhere within the city, so my old boss suggested his chiropractor and I was more than willing to go, since he made my search easy for me. When I walked in to the waiting room, I didn't know what to expect. I found it really weird that there were women of all ages, dressed as if they were attending a fashion show, sitting in a doctor's office and here's me in a pair of sweat pants, hoodie and quite possibly hadn't showered in 24 hours. After my initial tests were performed by the nurse, I was lead to the waiting room to await the doctor and the results. Then it happened. Out from behind the curtain walks this tall, dark skinned, Italian man with a body like a brick shit house. I'm talking like Joe Magnello from True Blood style. Thinking he was a patient, I stuck my nose in a magazine and continued to undress him with my eyes when he was not looking. Next thing I know this gorgeous man is calling my name. "Am I dreaming? Shelby, you need to snap out of it. How on earth does he know my name? This is fate Shelby, it's your time." Then it dawned on me..."Fuck he is the Chiropractor."
As he greeted me with a warm smile, I was completely and utterly tongue tied. I think I managed to spit out my name, as I was experiencing my first hot flash ever. He walks me in to the room, where he begins to tell me my problem area's. The whole time he is talking, I am doing nothing but thinking about our wedding, what our kids would look like, and if he is as good in bed as I am imagining. He then proceeds to start the session with a bit of man handing aka back cracking. After the first crack he asked me how it felt, and caught up in the moment of having his hands all over me I blurted out something along the lines of "This is the first time I have felt the touch of a man in quite some time, so far it's worth the $15 co-pay." I don't think that was the answer that he was looking for, as he stared at me a little awkwardly with a slight smile.
He then proceeded to turn me over and straddle me to stretch out my neck. Ok I know he's teasing me now. His package was literally inches away from my blushing face and it took every bone in my body not to motorboat the shit out of his balls. While this is going on, he asked me something like "So what do you enjoy doing", as to which I blurted out " I am enjoying this greatly" He then turned me on my side and stuck his muscular knee on my side and pressed down hard. All I kept hoping for was that this was a bad porno, and eventually he was going to just ravish me on the table...Unfortunately he did not. After the session, he looked at me and suggested that I come back 3 times a week in order to get things corrected. I looked at him and thinking I was sly blurted out, "Well if you want to see me that often, you don't have to use my spasm as an excuse." I was at strike three, I knew I needed to just stop talking. I went back 2 more times, only to find out that he was married and had children. Once finding out this crucial information, I never returned.
The Business Trip
My company sent me to NYC for 2 weeks to prepare for our upcoming marketing year. I had been cooped up in a hotel room for the entire time and was looking forward to finally coming home. The amazing thing about NYC is I always managed to the craziest shuttle drivers that get me to the airport in a ridiculously fast amount of time. I had arrived to LaGuardia Airport 2.5 hours before my scheduled flight. Being tired, moody and looking like total hell, I decided to grab a bite to eat at a restaurant I had never heard of. There were no tables to sit so I was forced to sit at the bar. After 20 minutes of sitting at the bar getting ignored by both the obviously gay male and female bartender, I started getting very irritated and made snide comments for the people around me's entertainment. After looking at the menu for what seemed to be about the 400th time, I heard a deep voice say to me "Can I get you anything." When I looked up I was floored. I was staring at the most gorgeous man I had ever seen in my life.
He was tall, Italian (do we see a pattern here?), and looked like he could of been The Rock's son. I instantly started sweating, and could feel my face getting red. Trying to remain calm, I looked at him and placed my order. He repeated the order back to me, at which I replied, "I'm not sure I want anything now because that means I won't get to look at you anymore." I think he was a little smitten, but most definatly uncomfortable as he cracked a half ass smile and walked away. A couple of minutes later, and my 3rd glass of water, he came back over to assure me my order would be up soon. Out of nowhere, rather than being a normal human being, I started talking and couldn't stop. I proceeded to stroke his ego by telling him that he looks like the Rock, and how he should model, and he may in fact be the most gorgeous man I have ever seen. With all the diarrhea spewing out of my mouth I couldn't stop. He was wearing a hat so I asked him "Do you have hair?" in which he removed his baseball cap to show me a full head of Italian wavy black hair. It took every bone in my body not to jump over that bar and rape him, and unfortunately in the heat of the moment... I told him that. I seriously could not stop. Everything coming out of my mouth was something that Quagmire from Family Guy would say. I hated myself at this point, and as I ate my burnt $12 chicken sandwich that he made for me, all I kept thinking about was "Shelby, you are not weird, stop acting like it."
He then sits down next to me (apparently on break), and we proceed to chat more. I actually grabbed a hold of myself and did the smart thing and let him talk. After finding out that his first and last name are in fact the same, and him not getting any of my jokes, we became Facebook friends and parted ways. A little while later, he unfriended me due to getting back together with his ex girlfriend (the one I got to hear him bitch about for 10 min), and all I am left with is the memory of what could of been.
Internet Celebrity
It was a random Friday night in the middle of summer and there was really nothing other than the usual going on. All of the weddings were over, and being that none of my single friends were up in the city, I decided to hang out with a friend of mine and her boyfriend. They had only been dating for a couple of months at the time, but during it, he had accepted the ultimate girl code rule: If you date one of Shelby's friends, you practically are dating her as well. We decided to do something out of the ordinary and travel beyond the city limits to the infamous Cabana Bar with the hopes of actually finding myself a guy my own age, rather than a drunk college kid. We began stalking people in the search of finding a table, and ended up scoring great seats next to a sand filled fire pit. As the three of us started chatting, I had a group of both mixed guys and girls hanging out to the right of me. There were a couple of cute guys but I could tell they were probably a few years younger than me, so I didn't even really engage in any sort of eye fucking. Feeling mischievous, me and my friends started talking about how we hadn't been to a strip club in a really long time, and what a random idea it would be to go to one. Slightly buzzed, I tapped the shoulder of the kid that was sitting near the fire pit next to me and politely asked him if he knew where the closest strip club was. He rattled off ones that had closed, which was no help to us and I politely said thank you and turned my back toward him.
2 minutes later, he proceeds to tap me on the shoulder. I turn to him and he says to me:"I don't mean to be rude, but are you on Plenty of Fish?" Normally, at this point I would of lied my ass off, however so taken back that I had been recognized by my profile I couldn't help but reply "yes, yes I am", with an awkward smile. He proceeds to tell me that he has in fact seen my profile and thought it was quite hysterical. Trying to regain some control of the situation, I asked him "Well why didn't you ever message me?!" in which he replied, "well I am younger than you, so I didn't think you would respond." I looked at him and said, "atta boy." After showing me some of the msgs he had received from women, as well as us laughing about the site being a total joke, I had felt I had made a new plenty of fish friend. As we were leaving to go to the strip club, he says, "i'll message ya sometime," to which I replied, "cool." Within 20 minutes of leaving the bar, he had messaged me. Trying to move onward in the evening we arrived at Erotica as planned.
After throwing a tantrum because the male strippers were done for the night, and knowing I was going to be forced to look at body parts I already have, I proceeded to the bar to make the best of the situation. On my short walk to the bar, which was literally 20 feet, I got confused for being a stripper 3 times as well as stopped by a severely drunk guy that literally raped my phone to put his number in it. Why hadn't I thought of this before? Strip Clubs are like a cesspool for lonely men, (well that and Star Wars conventions), why haven't I tried picking up men here before? 2 more phone numbers later, and being awkwardly man handled by a female stripper that looked like RuPaul's post op sister, I decided to step outside for some air. On a drunk scale, I was at a 7 by this point. I had noticed one of the valet's and he looked extremely familiar, but I couldn't pin point where. Out of nowhere I look at him and with a dumbfounded look I spewed out his name. Confused and puzzled he looks at me and says, "Do I know you?". I look at him, and in front of his co-workers as well as owner of Erotica and say, "Yeah, I'm Shelby from Plenty of Fish, you know the girl that you stopped talking to because you had to take your dog for a walk?"
<Backstory> Met this guy on POF, we went back and forth, exchanged numbers. Our first conversation, which lasted 10 min, all he talked about was his damn dog. During our conversation, I asked him how the dog felt about him dating and not being home all the time, to which he ended our conversation abruptly telling me he had to take the dog for a walk. He hadn't contacted or called me since.
After a short moment of silence, laugher had burst out amongst his co-workers and the owner along with comments such as "If I was talking to a girl as pretty as you, I wouldn't care about a dog," and "Are you really that big of an idiot?" After seeing me in person, knowing that I was not photo shopped, fat, or missing any teeth, his face turned about 6 shades of red in embarrassment. I didn't mean to embarrass the kid, but seriously? Men have dicked me over for many types: she beasts, girls that look like they could clear out a buffet, and even wannabe playboy models, However: I have never once been dicked over by an actual member of the animal family. After the laugher subsided, he decided that now he in fact wanted to get to know me. He told me he would call me the next day to which I replied, "yeah, ok sure whatever."
The next day I received a call from him, and the next day, and so on for about 4 days. The dog talk subsided, and he kept asking me to hang out. Finally after running out of excuses, I finally told him, "Look I'm sure you are a great guy and all, but I can't date a guy if he already has a top bitch in his life." We have not spoken, nor have I been to Erotica ever since.
Keeping it real -
Shelby
