Walking disasters...

Being notoriously good at being single, recently I have changed my views on dating. You see before, I was a pessimistic the glass is half empty type person that would not get excited at all about having to shower, put on make up and even leave the house. I felt this way because I went in to these dates mentally prepared for the worst while hoping for the best. I used to write someone off very easily even for saying one wrong thing. 

I now try to be a glass is half full kind of person that goes in to a date open mindedly giving someone the benefit of the doubt...unless they annoy me

Or disrespect me in any kind of way.  Once we reach that point it's hard to come back from...then they just become the laughing stock of me and my friends. 

Dating this time around has been different for me too, simply because for a change, I am actually enjoying myself. In lieu of getting down on myself because I don't forsee a second date or feel any chemistry, I'm learning to embrace the different types of people that I meet/go out with, and maturely come to the conclusion that they are not the one for me, and it's on to the next one in the event that sparks don't fly. 

Lately though, During my dating adventures, I have ran in to some doozies that really have legit reasons as to why they are single, and not just by my standards, but by societies. Anytime I feel as if I am slipping back in to negative Nancy mode by fatal flawing someone, I always consult my 2 closest female friends and other female counterparts that always give me a realistic answer. Most of the time, they agree with me, which is nice to know that my levels of normalcy align with theirs. 

And with that I present three dating experiences that I have been on recently that were noteworthy blog material...

Lemme take a selfie....

I had met a 38 year old financial broker on Pof. He seemed legit and right up my alley. He was good looking, tall and had decently normal pictures of himself on his profile. His descriptions were very well written and he seemed intelligent and in a good place with his life, and after messaging back and forth for a couple of days we exchanged numbers. 

Within the first couple of messages via text I received a selfie from him, which i 1. Did not ask for and 2. Really didn't understand why, when we weren't talking about anything selfie related, but trying to place logic behind it, I thought maybe he just wanted to confirm that he was not cat fishing me, so I let it go. Upon receiving the first selfie, I then received 3 more within a 5 minute span, all of which were already on his dating profile....it was at this point I knew I couldn't take this guy serious. 

I have a very strong opinion on selfies...and I'm sure I am going to offend like 1/3 of my Facebook friends when I go on my rant, but everyone is entitled to their own opinions right? 

I am not a selfie person. I do not take them and send them to random people for no reason nor do I post them on Facebook. Typically if I am sending you a selfie it is of a facial expression that I am making in response to a comment that you have made. On occasion, I will flick someone off, thumbs up, or even just smile and show crazy eyes, to reply in a witty way. The abuse of selfie taking has hit an all time high in recent years (thank you fucking all things kardashian) and now people feel the need to take selfies with no grounds behind them.  Nothing irritates me more than when someone posts a selfie and adds a headline that has absofuckinglotley nothing to do with the picture being shot. Seeing someone's face, followed by a caption that is a Marilyn Monroe quote does not make you cool, it's a cry for attention. Hey, if you are having a bad day and need a pick me up, that's fine - go for it. If you are looking good and want to show the world how awesome your make up is, I'll support that...but leave the goddam stupid redundant inspirational quotes or meaningless headlines to yourself and just leave it at "new makeup" or "I feel pretty today".  At least that way, you are directly asking for attention, in lieu of trying to be coy about it...men shouted from the roof tops that duck faces are super unattractive, yet we did it anyways...I really hope the selfie era ends as quickly as Adrian Petersons career did after doing something extremely stupid. 

So after 5 selfies in one text convo, I was exhausted and headed to bed. Unfortunately I was awoken to a "good morning selfie" which was him..lying in bed...shirt off...with his come hither eyes. I wanted to vomit. I truly thought a 38 year old man with a good job and great education would be smart enough to know not to act like a 21 year old self conscious college girl with daddy issues, but apparently I was wrong... And then it got even better when he asked me for a selfie to which I replied no...I don't do selfies. 

 

Our painful conversation continued and I was growing equally annoyed. In addition to the pictorial of his daily habits I had received, he was also one of those overly optimistic types that would end every text with "right on" and "I'm digging your positive energy". All I kept visualizing was Matthew McConaughey in tropic thunder where his character is an overly super annoying and positive. That was him and I wanted to fucking strangle him. 

As the days passed it became a fun experiment for me. I started to Pavlov's dog him. Every time he would send me a selfie, I would not respond, yet every time he would send me a normal text I would respond, just to see if he would subliminally get the hint, and of course he didn't.  It became a fun game for me, that I even shared with my friends as I would laugh over drinks and show them the fantastic pictorial that my iPhone so graciously assembled via its new update where it now summarizes every pic message that is sent between you and another person.   At this point I had to witness this human being in person, strictly for my own entertainment. So after 2 cancellations due to scheduling conflicts, the big date fell upon us. 

We agreed to meet at a local place that is known for their burgers. Him making it very clear that he is a health nut, chose the place which was surprising. As I was getting ready, he had asked me if the time was still good to which I replied "yepperz".  He then questioned my choice of words by adding a "z" to the word yepperz and continued to ask me yes or no questions. I had noticed after answering "yepperz" 2 times he had became annoyed. Had I had finally found his kryptonite?!  Yepperz!  

I continued for the next few text messages to add the letter "z" to everything, just for shitz and gigglez. This really got him worked up and annoyed and at this point I absolutely couldn't wait to meet him. 

Upon his arrival, he looked exactly like his pictures..all 27 of them that he had previously sent to me, so it was hard for him to fool me. It was sad because he was tall, good looking and well dressed.   As he sat down at the table, we began the painful 1 hour convo, it began with micromanaging of my entree choice. When I told the waitress that I wanted only meat and cheese on my burger, he glared across the table at me like a confused puppy. When I asked him what's up, he asked why I got a plain burger, and explained to him that I don't eat vegetables. It was almost watching a robot go in to meltdown mode, I could of swore I saw smoke coming from his ears as the mouse stopped running, because he then proceeded to tell me how weird I am, and gave me a lecture for 5 minutes about the necessity of vegetables in an every day diet. It was the eye roll heard around the world for me, and I you felt the earth shift a bit one random Saturday in October, that was my feeling of giving a fuck leaving the restaurant and entering the atmosphere...so sorry for that if you felt it. 

 

After struggling through a conversation that consisted of clean food choices via crockpotting, finding out that Joe Magnello was not the sexy beast in high school he is today in return this mind set indirectly fuels the life in to my battery operated objects, and watching him squirm as I ate the bread separately front my sandwich (because bread is empty calories, right on) we then got to the most important part of the date, "why do you add "z" to everything?" 

I replied accordingly, "I'm sorry does it bother you that I do that?"  He said-"yes, it's improper grammar". "Oh so it really annoyed you huh?" I asked. "Yes it did," he replied. "Oh ok, so now you know what it's like for me everytime  you send me a selfie that pertains to nothing conversation related, you are welcome!" Again looking like a confused puppy I explained to him that a 38 year old man should not be acting like a 21 year old college girl with self esteem issues and he should know better. He agreed to never send me a selfie ever again, and I felt at that instance that I had won a small battle in the ongoing selfie war. As we wrapped things up all I wanted to do was get home, so naturally when he asked me for coffee afterwards, i declined and literally gave him the "2 pats on the back hug" and jumped in my car as if I was carjacking myself. Literally as I pulled in the drive way I got a text telling me that he thought that we should just be friends and it was a pleasure meeting me. That was one friend zone I was more than happy to enter. 

Two weeks later when I posted my skanky Halloween costume pics across the dating websites to draw out the freaks, I got a text from him. Apparently he saw my pics and felt maybe he had jumped the gun about the just being friend thing....I didn't even justify that comment with an answer....

Do you want to go to the pirate game?During my first try at match.com in my early 20s I didn't have much luck. Granted, I also wasn't the same person that I am now, so when the only guy I ever went out with from round one found me on linked in, I decided I would be willing to give it another go. I remember his fatal flaw years ago was that he wore a guido chain (pre Kesha "Jesus on my necklace reference") and a blazer to our date to McFaddens to watch a pens game. Naturally, I wore pens gear and jeans, because that is what is considered normal attire to wear to an establishment that even at its cleanest and emptiest reeks of vomit and your shoes stick to the floor like quicksand. I remember the convo being pretty normal, but he was just extremely overdressed for the occasion and I fatal flawed him. 

Fast forward several years later, where I appreciate a guy in sports gear any day, I thought maybe I may have over reacted, and decided to give it another go. 7 years had passed and I have grown up a lot since then, both mentally and maturely. 

Upon our initial convo, I discovered I still had his number in my phone, and there was no crazy note attached to it like "Steve daddy issues" or "Mark DONOT ANSWER" so I figured he wasn't all that bad.  So we began to plan the date accordingly. 

He had mentioned that he had tickets to a Friday night Pirates game. I was totally ok with a Pirate game date because it's unique and told him that was ok if he wanted to do that, to which he said ok.  That was Tuesday. 

On Wednesday, I got the standard "HI, how is your day" text, which led to normal convo. Mid way through he asked me, "so what do you want to do on Friday?"  I was a bit taken back by this considering I thought we had confirmed we were going to the pirate game. I even went back in to my texts to make sure I wasn't making it up. Sure enough there had been a text from Tuesday saying the pirate game was ok. 

Confused I replied, "I thought we already said we were going to the pirate game?" To which he replied, "well I wasn't sure if you still wanted to go, so I gave those tickets away.  It's ok I will get new ones."  Strange, I thought. What is any more crystal clear to someone then Yes let's go to the pirate game on fri?  Not really sure how one would mistake that?  Oh well no big deal, I thought and the convo continued. 

Almost 5 minutes later he asked me again, what I wanted to do on Friday and at this point I was starting to get annoyed. Either he is kinda dumb, suffers from memory issues, is on something, or not paying attention. As slightly angry as one can get over text msg I said," I just said 5 min ago and yesterday, let's go to the pirate game."   Almost immediately my phone rings and its him. 

"I figured this would be easier" he said, and instead of talking about our plans he started with small talk. After a couple of min, he says, "so what do you want to do on Friday?"  Im baffled at this point, and finally being able to hear my frustration in my voice said, "ok for the 4th time, why don't we go to the pirate game?"  He then gave this explanation that he wanted to make sure I was ok with going to the pirate game with him so he was just making sure...4 times apparently. At this point, the exciting feeling of going to the game on Friday was drifting down the river of dating despair. I'm not sure what was more painful, saying yes to the date and additional 5th time, or trying to coordinate a location to meet. 

I had suggested that since I work downtown it was easier for me to just stay in town after work and just walk to the north shore and meet him. Apparently it was almost as if it was a system meltdown and his brain went in to panic mode, because the idea confused him. "Don't you want to ride in to the game together?" He said, to which I explained to him it was easier and logically easier for me to just meet him on the north shore. Makes sense right?  Nope not to him. He wanted me to get on a bus going out of the city, to which he would pick me up at said bus stop only to head back in to the city for the game. Saying the entire idea out loud lowered my own IQ a few points.  After informing him that there was absolutely no way that I was going to do that plan we finally agreed to meet at a North Shore location. We had set a time a location and exactly when I thought we had actually made any kind of progress as to nailing down detailed plans he then stop the conversation and asked "so what do you want to do on Friday?"  At this point I was now exceptionally annoyed and I was convinced that he was on something. Trying not to show my frustrations and go into total bitch mode I decided to change the conversation. We then began to talk about the past seven years of our lives (mostly me and an emphasis on the past 2 years of mine), to which we started talking about our own trials and tribulations. I began to talk about how I was hosting singles events and through hosting singles events I was meeting great people and started talking about my one friend who was going through a transitional time where unfortunately his ex was a coworker. 

As I got halfway through my story he stopped me and said "I have a friend, and he was going through a rough time too so I helped him". Then there was an awkward silence at the end of the phone because I expected him to elaborate. That's when I realize I think he fell asleep and he had no intentions of elaborating because his train of thought trailed off. That was my cue to end the conversation. Literally the minute that I hung up the phone I texted him and said we should probably not hang out because I didn't think our personalities would click. My surprise I got a very simplistic reply of "ok". Two weeks later I got a random text message from him at 2 o'clock in the morning asking me where I've been, to which I just ignored. 

The next week I was talking to one of my friends and we were catching up and what was new and exciting in our lives. She then proceeded to tell me about how the night before she had gone out with a guy who turned out to be exceptionally weird. She continued to tell me details about her date and how she went to a bar and met up with this guy and two of his friends and within five minutes of meeting him he was already trying to put his arms around her waist and telling her how much he liked her. She said there was something off about him chill and how the conversation just didn't really flow. Headed felt good secretly knowing that I wasn't the only one going on a terrible date with a weird person so I asked her to send me a picture of this guy. I literally almost shit a brick when I was looking at a picture of the same guy that I didn't go to the pirate game with... Out of all of the men in Pittsburgh my friend went out with pirate game guy unbeknownst to either of us... I have literally called her and told her the entire story about pirate game guy the day it happened... The world literally got smaller that day. 

Blast from the past

I had met this guy in 2008 randomly at Jekyll and Hyde halfway to Halloween party. I don't even remember how I happened but we ended up striking up a conversation having similar interests and ended up hanging out a couple of times but nothing ever came out of it so instantly I just assumed that we would remain friends. How is being a perfect gentleman to me and taking care of me when I was belligerent drunk I always had a special place in my heart for this guy but in a friend kind of way.  With each passing year the phone calls and the text sporadically stopped and it turned into a hey how are you every once in a while. Then about three years later I got a Random text the change the entire dynamic of our relationship. And started asking me all of these weird sexual questions that involve vibrators, dildos and anal beads oh my!  I was absolutely shocked to know that this guy could've possibly been what 50 shades of gray was based off of. Where did I have an exceptionally low filter but when I start to get invited to ram random objects up males asses that's not really my thing. So there was a period of time where I didn't respond to him, because I wanted no part of it.  Waking up to a message from somebody asking you to use butt plugs on them typically means your day is going to start out hilariously. 

So after a few years had passed I didn't really expect to hear from him because I had assumed that he had found his Anastasia Steele and was living happily ever after anal beads and all. So I was rather shocked when an old acquaintance of mine texted me to tell me that he had messaged her on plenty of fish looking for me. Realizing that he was single again could only mean one of two things 1. He was still trying to discover his freaky side and needed a friend to talk about it or 2. He experimented, moved on from that phase and just wanted to catch up for old time sake.  So after a brief discussion we decided to meet up for dinner. Hadn't changed a bit since I last saw him. Still very good looking very polite and it was almost as if no time had passed since we last spoke. Out of common courtesy I waited until at least dinner had arrived to start asking him about his sexual encounters. He was very shy to talk about it and I could tell that he wasn't telling me everything so I try to get as much information out of him as I possibly could without making him feel uncomfortable. He tried to play it off as if he was over that life and ready to live a vanilla lifestyle. Luckily I've known him for so many years that I can smell bullshit a mile away when it comes to him. I knew he was lying to try to get into my good graces and that was fine because I still even after all of these years wasn't attracted to him in that way. As no surprise that at the end of the night I got the awkward text that said I like you, we should date. The entire night I tried to Divert the entire conversation away from that exact result.  I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I politely tiptoed around the idea that he was definitely not the one for me. I thought I'd handled the situation very well and mature and even adult like. And then a few days later this conversation happened.... 

Needles to say...dodged a bullet, or dildo with this one...

I would like to dedicate this blog to anybody and everybody who is ran across somebody during their dating experiences that is just a little bit off, or is it slightly abnormal, and is a great story to tell your friends about. I will say that for these three terrifying experiences I have had many more positive ones. Even though I haven't found "the one" yet, i'm at least enjoying the ride. just remember if you can't laugh at yourself, you shouldn't laugh at other people...

Keeping it real-

Shelby 

The freaks come out on Halloween weekend

Halloween by far used to be one of my favorite holidays. I remember trick-or-treating up until the age of 16 or 17. My final trick-or-treating consisted of dressing up as one third of a member of the powder puff girls hopping in my 95 Ford escort and driving around town trying to hit up as many houses as I could. I remember running to one house completely oblivious to the fact that I was running straight into a wooden enbankment. I fucked up my shin pretty good but even with blood running down my leg like I just had my first period, I continued on my quest to acquire as much candy as I possibly could, only for my dad to eat all of it within the next the days following. With that logic in mind I'm seriously considering renting someone's child next Halloween. 

Some of my fondest memories are from my early 20s getting all skanked up with some of my best friends at the time and hitting up the craziness of the southside and what used to be Station Square.  Before husbands and babies and a horrible boyfriend's it was just a group of friends that went out got stupid drunk and acted a fool and those were some of the best years of my life. But unfortunately with each passing year came marriages and children and the large group that once used to dominate the dance floor started dwindling and getting smaller and smaller. Eventually when you become one of the last people that are single in a group of friends, Halloween becomes less and less exciting. You find it harder and harder to find people that actually want to go out to bars because it seems like once you are in a relationship and or married you go from the bar circuit to the house party circuit. Not that house parties are a bad thing but it's very difficult to meet new people when you're confined to a house full of all of your friends for a night, unless they intentionally invite outsiders that they are trying to set you up with. 

Throughout all of this online dating bullshit I have met people that seem to tell the same story that I can relate to. All of their friends are either married or have kids so none of them can really be at each other's disposal. Halloween is a supersensitive time of year because it pretty much is determined based on your social status where you end up. I have been blessed to acquire a set of friends that give me the best of both worlds. I was able to go to both a Halloween party at a friends house where I didn't have to dress skanky and could be amongst friends, but I also have single friends that allowed me to go out to the bars and dress exceptionally skanky. Some people are not as fortunate as I am. 

I had removed myself from online dating after finding myself yet again in a situation where I had met an asshole who took total advantage of my hospitality and kindness. After wasting three months being an emotional crutch to a guy that was going through a very rough time and sounded like he needed a friend, only to have said friend stop talking to me after a drunken conversation that I don't even remember, I felt as if I had been taken advantage of and was super pissed off for like a day. I thought by trying to be a good person and lend a supportive hear that I would be paying forward all of the good karma that has been happening to me recently, but it turned out to be another fluke and just another selfish asshole tally to my on going list. 

I gave myself a three-week mental vacation from online dating but as I was getting ready to go out for round one of Halloween festivities, I had a super huge epiphany. For the first time in a very long time the person staring back at me in the mirror felt confident and sexy. For the longest time I had little to no self-esteem which is to be expected when you have an ex-boyfriend the constantly would point out your imperfections. My least fondest memory was the times that he would walk up to me grab my stomach and shake it and in his Billy Madison voice say "he is going to be a soccer player" on a regular basis. After falling victim and allowing him to strip me of all of my self-confidence and self worth, as I looked back at myself in the mirror on Friday, I felt a huge sense of not only accomplishments but confidence. My biggest regret is probably that I allowed him to take those attributes away from me, but it doesn't matter because now I'm a force to be reckoned with. I went from looking in the mirror and saying ill "I wouldn't fuck that with Ron Jeremy's dick" to "goddamn I'd hit that". What a difference a couple of years makes..

With that being said it was time to go back on even if it was just for the weekend. Showing a lot of TA and especially since the girls looked fantastic and both of my outfits I decided to reinstate my profile. My entire profile became an invalid due to my "do not message me if" list considering I specifically tell people not to talk about my body parts and here I am a flashing them all over the place but I decided to have a little bit of fun with that and see what I can conjure up in the spirit of Halloween. Let's just say it did not disappoint... 

Just for reference this is what I woke up to after reinstating my profile for only eight hours

I accumulated 54 messages on Saturday morning 24 on Sunday and 20 on Monday. I'm trying very hard not to remain stereotypical however this is a perfect example of how stupid men can be on these websites. The only thing that has changed about my profile is the color of my hair. My do not message me if list is still there along with all of my other witty comments. But yet I post a new picture and almost to 100 men think I am a new user and fresh meat. Of those hundred men most of them I had either previously talk to or previously intentionally ignored. The moral of the story is that if you actually read a profile and pay attention... you wont look like an asshole to the female online population. I have noticed this happens numerous times when I change my hair color.  I literally go from 2 to 3 messages a day to half of the goddamn site messaging me

With that being said let me start out with messages that don't even warrant responses:

This is a fun convo he is having with himself....

This is by far one of the most unintelligent people on the planet 

Maybe when I figure out what a bich is or what fukkin means, this may have some sort of relevance..untill then stay classy asshole!  

And now for the responses: 

I'm sorry, you are just too damn dumb for me...

Switching it up... Here is this quality specimens profile description. (FYI this guy has been featured in previous blogs) 

So what girl wouldn't want a guy who is not only into astrology, claims to be a "pleaser" but also openly admits that he's only roofied seven women and his entire sex life. 

Keepin it real-

Shelby 

Pittsburgh's finest

Putting yourself back out there after a break up can be a terrifying experience.  Putting yourself on an online dating website after a breakup for the first time can be not only terrifying, but also a real eye opening experience. 

Being a seasoned professional in both being single a majority of my life and being an online dating internet sensation, in all the years of searching for my soulmate both on and offline, you eventually get to the point where nothing surprises you.  Online dating really just gives you a literal vision and peek in to someone's personality before even meeting them. 

I used to compare internet dating to a smorgasbord. You have so many choices, and only so much room on your plate. If you don't want the peas, you pass on them and load up on the mash potatoes. If you perfer steak over chicken, then you just ignore the chicken  and eat the steak with the hopes you don't get food poisioning or Ebola. 

Since internet dating has trended toward the social norm as a way to meet people, it is very hard to even make a lasting impression on someone because it is so "on to the next one" and if you are lining them up left and right, you don't have time to feel defeated until all your potential partners have depleted.   It's only at that point that the reality of the situation sets in and you begin to curse the online dating gods and throw a temper tantrum because it's not working out for you. 

At the end of the day what people tend to forget that all because you meet someone with a great profile and decent pics, all because you click yes to meet I g them, it doesn't mean that you are going to click with them literally. Sometimes I think online dating is a forced fate of sorts. You may have never met a particular person or known of their exsistance. I've been doing this for years and there are people that I happy to have met, and others that should of been swallowed as a sperm. 

A friend of mine had posted to my Facebook wall a collection of some of the best responses to utterly retarded indritucrady messages on online dating websites, when it dawned on me that I have had an arsenal of them since July.  I truly believe that there is a huge misconception about me that I am a total miserable bitch based off of most of my blog posts, but for those that actually know me, they know I'm the total opposite and it really takes a lot of inticing for me to get angry. 

So with that being said, I now share with you my own responses to messages that I have received in the past few months. They need no real witty explanation, they are pretty straight forward:

Two parter:  him

Me:

Typically when someone opens a conversation with "can I ask you something?" It ends like this....

Some guys don't get anything...

And now for the grand finalie. If you are an avid reader then you should remember the guy I referred to as the "blasian Asian". Well he messaged me one day... 

Keepin it real

-Shelby

Life Lessons I have learned on the bus

                   6 months ago, if you would of asked me what I thought about city transportation, I would of given some bitchy response that would have been perceived as it being beneath me in almost a mean girl sounding undertone.  I would of  said something along the lines of, “Why do I need to take the bus when I have a car?”  I even remember in my mid 20s getting in to a heated argument with a guy I was dating because he didn’t have a car and lived his life by a bus schedule, and at the time, I never really understood his point of view.

                When I obtained a job that landed me working right in the heart of downtown I was faced with the ultimate decision as to how badly I wanted the Pittsburgh Parking Authority to fuck me without at least offering to take me to dinner first.  I was torn between the choice of a purchasing a parking pass for an over-priced, over-crowded downtown garage that the parking spaces are not “one size fits all” and are full of Lexus and Audi driving pricks that feel they have a special sense of entitlement to park like a degenerate assholes and take up 2 spaces to “protect their investment,” or go completely out of my element and choose public mass transportation.  So I decided to choose the latter.

                When you are newbie to mass transit, the first step is to try to figure out your route.  This is quite a painful process especially when you have no clue what the hell you are doing, and the cities transit website is confusing as hell.  Trying to figure out the damn bus schedule for the city of Pittsburgh is about as difficult as trying to describe color to a blind man.  I even recruited Chuck’s help to try to help me crack the elusive bus code, and after a solid hour pow-wow that involved yelling, screaming, thoughts of sending a nasty email to the port authority, we figured out the best schedule that I could take.

                I remember my first bus ride was like the first day of Kinder garden.  I was overwhelmed with emotion.  What if the bus doesn't come?  What if I don’t get off at the right stop?  What if no one pulls the cord?  Will it still stop anyways?  I was on the verge of a panic  attack during my first ride.   I knew nothing of any rules, proper etiquette, or even carry on rules.  Was this similar to an airplane where I can only have 1 bag per person?  Will I get yelled at for having a lunch bag and purse?   

                After getting comfortable and observing my surroundings, I slowly began to blend in like a chameleon.  I discovered the hard way in the first month that you don’t talk to people nor make eye contact with anyone before 7:30am because everyone on the bus would much rather wear ear buds and facebook stalk than have a conversation with you.  I also learned that if your ear buds are up too loud, people will ask you to turn your “sinner” music down.  I also learned that apparently if the person sitting next to you does not like the scent of your body spray, they will in fact move to a different seat, stare at you and talk about you to the new person sitting next to them.

By the time spring came, I felt that considering I had been riding the same bus and started seeing some of the same faces during my commute that I had been grandfathered in to the route.  When I started to see the same people every morning, I began to make up nick names for them in my head, and when I would have a bad morning, I would feel a sense of belonging knowing that the likes of “Narcoleptic Ned” ,  “Jerry O’Connell Look-a-like and “Skinny Asian girl who’s body I want to swap” were all my bus peeps, even if they didn't know my name, we were a family.

Aside from my imaginary bus family, it is also a 25 min chance for me to gather my thoughts, get my mind awake and when that happens, I tend to get the most random thoughts and ideas.   Some days, when I am feeling confident that I am looking like a hot business women, I will stand up in the middle of the isle 1 stop prior to where I get off and visualize myself as if I am a hot pirate (Kinda like Penelope Cruz in the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie) and I have just commandeered this bus and I am demanding the driver to drop me off at my final destination so that I can go downtown to pillage.  Another time I had a random thought when I noticed there were 7 men standing in a row in the isle way.  All I kept thinking is how if the bus came to a sudden stop, it would go from “Typical Monday Morning Bus ride” to an Accidental Male orgy on wheels.  Then I had the pleasure to witness what may have made Guinness Book for “Longest attempt to take a  selfie and still fail” Timed at 27 Minutes. 10 attempts to which each picture looked exactly the same as the one before, 1 facebook post only to be removed to make 5 more attempts and re-post on Facebook.

                There are also some life lessons that cannot be observed, they have to be lived through….

Lesson #1:  The Bus Stops for No One

                Upon the beginning of spring, with the help of my steady income and personal stylist (Pintrest) I decided that at 31, I was going to start to be more fashionable.  With that in mind, I went on a $800 shopping spree to bulk up my closet with pretty much a diverse selection of Wedges, Blazers and colorful shirts.  I set a  goal to obtain every color of the rainbow in wedges, and managed to succeed with the likes of the internet and Ebay.  I have never been a stiletto girl ever.  I own 1 pair of heels that I would get made fun of for repeatedly because they were by far the most comfy but ugliest pair of heels on the planet, so I basically had to reteach myself how to walk in Wedges.  After about a week of twisting my ankle and blisters galore, I finally mastered the art like a champ and no longer looked like a baby giraffe trying to take its first steps. I was feeling good, confident and was on a total power trip, and would determine that If I could make the 1 block walk to the bus stop without twisting my ankle, it was going to be a good day.

                The bus was late as usual and it had begun to rain so I literally hurried on to the bus hoping that I didn't look like a drown rat with great looking wedges.  I placed my card  on the unit that registered fares and noticed that there were no seats available up front, so instantly I heard Outkast's song playing in my ever running mind instructed me to, “Ah HA hush that fuss, Shelby you need to move to the back of the bus”  so I did.     As I was heading towards the back I always try to get the seats that are at the very back at the bus, because they vibrate.  Yeah I said it…and now I will probably never get that seat again.  Those seats were taken by other like-minded women that day, and there was one seat available in the middle of a 3 seat configuration that had a pole attached to it.   There was a guy to the left who resembled a young Abraham Lincoln.  He had a long beard that had a hint of red and brown in it and was wearing a business suit.  If he had a Mr. Peanut hat, he would have been fully ready for a civil war re-enactment outing.  To the right was a mid 20’s casual dressed girl that was nose deep in her phone and ear deep in her headphones.  During this entire time, an elderly lady had gotten on behind me so the bus was at a compete stop and I had no problems getting to the back of the bus.  As I reached the top step of the back of the bus that lead to this 3 seat configuration, the bus jerked forward.  It was as if the bus driver had hit a hidden NOS switch and we were about to go head to head over a set of train tracks against Vin Diesel.  When the bus jerked forward, I lost my balance and headed straight for honest Abe.  When you are in a life and death situation such as this, it is human nature to instinctively put your hands out in order to prevent any direct confrontation ,however the only thing stopping me from supermanning this poor dude was the pole.  And that’s when it happened.  Both of my hands grabbed the pole and channeling my inner stripper, the momentum from the jerk of the bus caused me to spin around and I ended up reverse cowgirl in this poor guys lap.  As I looked down and saw his wedding ring, I felt even worse knowing that I accidentally had just given a married man a partial unintentional lap dance.  Face red as all hell, and the entire bus laughing hysterically at what had just happened, I kept apologizing and sat in my intended seat.  Not helping was realizing that my ear buds were up exceptionally loud and I was literally yelling my apology to this man, drawing attention to myself from now both the front and back of the bus.  I sat in silence for the next 25 minutes and literally ran off the bus as quick as I could.  I purposely took the earlier bus for a week to avoid seeing his guy.  Then exactly one week to the day in  the same seat was honest Abe.  I had been lucky enough to get the back seat, so I put my sunglasses on, ear buds in and let the bus ride me to work, only to open up my eyes, and see Abe staring at me with a shit eating grin on his face…

Lesson #2. Don’t Fall In Love with Strangers

                Every Friday is casual day, so therefore we can dress down.  Lately dressing down for me consisted of a consultation from Pintrest on what to wear with “Dark Jeans” and just do nothing with my hair.  I figure its Friday, I want to under achieve and it’s a short work day, so no need to go all out, so I took advantage of the opportunity to sleep in an extra 10 min and have a wild child hair day.

                The ride started out as normal as it does.  A few familiar faces getting on at the same stops, so naturally I would wish them a good morning in my head.  I have a few ballerinas that live in my neighborhood so I am always excited to see them get on the bus and visualize the all girly idea of what it would be like to be a ballerina, and there is always one particular stop that like 4 of them get on at.  As we pulled up to the stop, I had noticed the girls, but a newbie in  scrubs, which made total sense because it was near a hospital, but even as the bus approached and prior to it stopped I got a glips of him from afar and I was stunned.  He was by far the most gorgeous man I had ever seen, no joke.  He had dark hair and pericing blue eyes, that were even brighter conserving hew as wearing baby blue scribs.  I have only been hot and bothered 2 times in my life by a man.  The first was a gorgeous bartender that I met while traveling in NYC, and now this guy.  He got on the bus and sat 4 rows ahead of me, so all I could see was the back of his head.  Even the back of his head was beautiful.  And for the next 25 min I began to visualize our future together.  He adored me, as I did him.  He always put me first and swept me off of my feet.  He was fair and mature and was never greedy.  The way he proposed was right out of a movie.   Our wedding day was on a nice fall day.  The weather was not too hot and not to cold, it was a perfect day.  My girls were wearing red, and my dress had matching swavarski crystals to match the 5 carat ring that he put on my finger.  It was a parade of beautiful people, and we were surrounded by friends and family in an intimate ceremony in the rose garden.   Then I dreamt of our children and what they would look like.  They would have his eyes, my nose and they would be exceptionally gifted in sports and academics.  Ariel (our daughter) and our son (JR) were raised in home full of love and nurturing.  Then I fast forwarded to our Notebook ending where we were just so much in love that we died in each other’s arms at the ripe old age of 90.

                So finally after I pulled my head out of my ass and realized that my stop was coming up soon, I wanted to position myself in front of him so that I could get a better look at Mr. McDreamy’s face.  So I got up and I stood at the front of the bus, appearing as If I was getting off at the next stop.  I don’t know what came over me, considering it was 7:30 am and I had no Vodka in me, but I decided to tell him how gorgeous he was...which ended up being an awkward disaster.  He must had been working the night shift because he had his head down as if he was trying to sleep.  I started to wave at him to get his attention and tried to do it discreetly because I didn't want the entire bus to watch me profess my love to a total stranger, but he wasn't looking at me.  So I had to get closer to this beautiful creature, and it was similar to approaching a rouge tiger in the wild, you don’t know if it’s going to lick you or maul you.  So I finally get him to look up and holy mother of god his eyes, are a blue as the sea and they pierce right though me and it happen…I start to get awkward and can’t talk.  I say, “You are gorgeous” and he smiled, which his smile was perfect, literally perfect teeth, and he says, “I think you may need to get your eyes checked because I’m really not.”  I replied, “Hey normally I get tongue tied and I can’t talk to such gorgeous men and then things start coming out of my mouth I can’t control…”  and I kept going…total diarrhea spewing out of my mouth…I blacked out at the embarrassment of my inability to be able to talk to him like a normal human being but remember picking back up at, “So thank you for making my morning brighter.”  I should of ended all of it with Giggity because that’s how I felt.   In my black out I hadn't realized that there were 4 people observing this horrible attempt to talk to an attractive guy, and a woman who witnessed the whole thing said to him, “Awe that was cute.”  I didn't stick around, I literally ran off the bus as fast as I possibly could and didn't turn back.  I haven’t seen him since.  Chances are I probably scared him off of riding that bus, so I had to change my notebook ending to divorcing him in my mind.  It was very painful, and something I struggled with getting over.  We had to share custody of Ariel and Jr and all of the assets got split in half.  It was a very amicable divorce, and we remained civil towards each other for the kids sake. 

Lesson #3.  Don’t Drink and Ride the Bus

                It was 3:30 in the afternoon and I was on my way home after getting out of work early.  It was a beautiful sunny day, and I was lucky enough to grab the bus as I was getting to the stop so I didn't even have to wait.  It was like the Cosmo’s were saying, “Shelby we are going to get you home super early today.”    The bus was actually very low as far as occupancy went, maybe 20 people if that were on this bus, it was nice because I had pretty much the choice of any seat that I wanted, so I chose to sit about 4 rows from the front door and 1 row from the mid door considering the very back vibrating seats were fucking taken.  With my earbuds on, I drifted away in to the sounds of my Ipod, as I always do and un winded organizing my thoughts and running through my list of things I needed to do when I got home.    I remember my mom telling me she didn't think I  was a good idea to wear my head phones because I always need to be “aware of my surroundings” and I did what any daughter would do, laugh at her and ignore her warning. 

                We were mid route when I noticed the people in front of me looking behind me in disbelief as if something was going on.  Trying to process what exactly was happening, I turned around to see a drunk man punching the shit out of another man sitting next to him.   Guy “A” was literally beating the shit out of Guy “B”, and “B” was so drunk that he wasn't even fighting back.  They had been sitting together the whole time, and were even talking to one another when I first got on the bus, when I started to remember, and now “A” is taking his elbow to “B”s head.  I was close enough to all of this that if I would o f had a cardboard sign I could have been a ring girl.   As “A” is elbowing “B” in the head, he slurs, “I told him not to fuck with me” to which an off duty security guard steps in to observe what is taking place.  “B” is now out cold, slouched down in the seat, unconscious.    Sheer panic sets in and my adrenaline starts pumping.  I’m literally dumfounded and really hoping that this is a new version of an Impractical Jokers spin off, because this fight literally was contained in the seats they were sitting in.  There was no craziness across the bus, or innocent bystanders being pushed.  It happened in a 1ft by 1 ft space.  Just as quickly as the fight started, “A” stops, as if a switch had been shut off in his brain and he is just standing there looking around at everyone.  I had my sun glasses on, but I made eye contact with him once and I almost pissed my pants fearing that he was going to come at me next, and I have never hit anyone in my life, so I was questioning myself, “Have I really watched enough episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer to be able to apply it to a real world situation?” 

                Fortunately and Ironically, the cosmos responded by the busses not running according to schedule and a bus that goes on my same route was directly behind the bus I was on, and made the executive decision to get on the second bus.  Only 4 of the 20 people got off this bus.  Myself, 2 others got on the second bus, and the 4^th lady said – direct quote, “Screw this I’m walking, I don’t have time for these drunk n****a’s bullshit”.  Myself and the 2 others that got on the second bus had a pow wow and relived what had just happened, when without any warning, guy “A” tried to get on the bus that the 3 of us intentionally got on to get away from him.  So now guy “A” has followed us on to the second bus, and the bus driver is telling a guy that just beat the shit of out the guy sitting next to him that he can’t get on this particular bus.  I again begin to have another panic attack and try to rethink that scene from that one Sandra Bullock Movie where she talks about “T.I.P.S”  and as if a miracle happens, the guy turns around and leaves and begins to walk away.  So me and my 2 new friends begin to recap what just happnened and try to figure out 1. Why the remaining 15 ppl chose to stay on the bus while the paramedics were being called.  2. Did guy “A” really just walk away? Considering I would imagine fighting on a bus is a crime? 3.  Are we on a hidden camera show?  4.  That was by far the most isolated fight I have ever seen.  5.  What did “B” say that caused “A” to go bat shit crazy on them.    As my stop approached, and I bid my new friends goodbye, I left them with one last revelation, It was 3:30 in the afternoon and I had just witnessed my first city bus drunk fight.  They congratulated me, we high fived each other, I thanked the bus driver for rescuing me and laughed the entire way home.

Keeping It real

-Shelby

To Catch A Player - Vol. 1

Ironically I know I said I was going to take a break from this, but there were just a series of hilarious unfortunate events that have occurred in the past couple of weeks that are absolutely blog worthy and needed to be shared.

                Now before all you “nice guys” start crying and need to change your tampons about how bias this blog post is going to be please note that:  I am not saying that all men are this tooltastic.  Yes, I know there are nice guys out there and no I don’t know why they get overlooked, these are just unfortunate examples of your kind that give you a bad rap.  If you have your own horror stores to share about women that you have encountered via online dating, I encourage you to get a hold of me so that I can share it with the rest of the world.  PLEASE, I’m begging you to share, so that I can stop listening to the whining of men that think I’m bias in the blog.  Show me that us women are just as dirty, scandalous and skeezy!

                One of the greatest things about hanging out with other single women, is that chances are now a days you and at least one of your friends are on the same dating website.  In my case I have 4 female friends that also use POF (3 of which I actually met on POF via hosting events)  so it’s nice to have people to compare horror stories with.  My friends and I have a great system of cross referencing (up until I hid my profile).  When we got a guy that we were considering going out with or talking to, we would send their profile to get their opinion.  It was at that point we could determine if any of us had previously chatted/gone out with that guy.  It was almost as if we were generating our own background checks for online dating and it worked out in our favor for a while, until unfortunately one slipped through the cracks.

 

The Blasian Asian

                I have nothing against men of Asian descent by any means necessary, I just have never really found them to be my cup of tea.  I have always leaned towards the tall, dark and handsome Greek/Italian looking boys.  Occasionally a Serbian or Pollock gets thrown in to that equation, however I have really only a couple of times ventured into the blonde realms. 

                I remembered on both accounts getting messaged by this guy who was half Asian, and you could tell simply because he had some of the facial characteristics as well as “woo” in his profile name.  I simply just did what most of the bitchy women on any dating website do when they are not interested in someone, and just ignore them completely.

                I remembered this one in particular because he fell in to my own created category of “Having a conversation with yourself” (he had messaged me multiple times to which I had never responded, so in theory he was pretty much having a conversation with himself. 

                So I get a text from one of my friends who tells me that she has a date with this guy from POF and she will keep me in the loop as to how it goes.  At this point, I didn’t even think to ask who he was and look up his name because the date was already happening with her, and the thought didn’t really cross my mind, because she was really good at “screening” people.  So when she came back and told me that the date was a disaster, of course I wanted every little detail as to what happened.  She described him as being great on paper: an American/Asian male who looked just like his profile pics, he was attractive (to her) in person, had a good job, no children, lived on his own and seemed like a stand-up guy.  Apparently when he opened his mouth is when things started going downhill.  They were at Dave and Busters walking around the game room and approached a Zombie Shooter Game.  The game had a warning advising pregnant women not play, to which he tried to be funny and made a comment about how she shouldn’t play the game then…  The first time it happened, she thought it was a little weird, but laughed it off (can I mention that I give my friend a lot of credit for not crushing his adams apple with her bare hands?)  but apparently the “jokes” kept coming…and after about the 5^th or 6^th pregnancy joke, my friend said something to him about it, to which he backed off, but really,  I don’t think anyone could of dug themselves out of that hole.

                After she gave me this recap I asked her if she was going out with him again, to which she responded “Probably not”.  I was shocked that there was even a “probably” in front of the not part, however again, she has exceptional patience and a higher threshold for BS than I do.  Life went on as usual. 

                Her and I got together over that next weekend and went to watch a friend of ours band perform at a local dive bar in the area.  Since we have become pretty close in the last couple of months, our filter levels about conversational topics have become non-existent, and a reoccurring conversation starter with her lately has been, “So I have a POF date this week.”  Thinking nothing of it, I ask the normal basics, Who, what, what, where and when and to my surprise she tells me that she is going out with the Asian guy again.  “The one that made the pregnancy jokes?  Several times?  That one?” I said to her with a confused look on my face, to which she replied, “Yes, that one.  I talked to him after and he said that he was very nervous and apologized and wanted to go out again.” 

                It was mid week and she texts me to tell me that the date went better this time around and she thought maybe she was really starting to like him.  Happy for her, I asked her to send me his screen name, I wanted to check this guy out for myself.   To my surprise, I knew who he was, considering he was Mr. “Let’s have a conversation with myself.”  I chuckled and told her that he had messaged me before, but what I didn’t realize that he had ironically actually sent me a message while her and I had been together that past weekend.  Being the message was sent between the disaster date and their second date, she really wasn’t upset or anything, I mean online dating has become so “On to the next one” that there really is no territorial right until it is discussed. 

                Then Friday Night happened.  Another friend and I were having a girls night slumber party, when I got a random text from the girl that had gone out with the Asian.  Apparently the Blazin Asian went stage 5 clinger on her in the course of 2 days.  Not only did he want to skip over the dating part and become an official couple (after 2 dates), he also wanted the two of them to move in together because he wanted to buy a house and didn’t want to do it until he was in a relationship   She had mentioned they were going out again over the weekend, to which I told her she will probably get a proposal, and started considering what color the bridesmaid dresses would be.  My advice to her was to run away as fast as she possibly could and not go out with him again.   I also said he needs to know his roll and slow the fuck down.  What made this even more interesting was when I showed my friend who’s house I was staying at his picture, she also confirmed that he had messaged her before as well.  So it was decided at this point that either he was 1. Extremely desperate for any kind of human interaction  2. A total douchebag  POF “player” who was doing a terrible job at it or 3. Had the worst ironic luck in Online Dating history .    The friend that had gone out with him assured me that she had the situation handled and we moved on from the convo.  That next night turned in to a random girls night and she informed me that they hadn’t spoken since the previous night and decided that she was more than likely going to move “on to the next one.”

                At 7:45 on Sunday AM apparently our 4^th friend who we hadn’t seen in a while sent a mass text to everyone but my friend who had dated the Blazin Asian, about an encounter she had with a creepy guy on POF on Saturday night warning us not to talk to him if he messages us because he was asking her to send him “inappropriate” pictures.  Out of the thousands of men on this website living in the Tri-state area…I’m reading her text and the screename she sent is the Blazin Asian’s.  I seriously cannot even make this up if I tried.  Within 2 weeks, one guy had messaged all 4 of us within a 2 week window online, on Friday night he is professed his undying love for the girl he went out with twice and then turned around on Saturday and asked another friend of mine for naked pictures.

                Wrapping my head around this hilarious situation, I do feel bad for my friend who actually went out with this douchewad.  This guy is defiantly dirty.com worthy.  Being that the 4 of us look completely different (Hair, body types, ethic backgrounds), it is clear that this guy is not by any means “nondiscriminatory” he is truly  is terrible example for men anywhere.  We are smart enough to know that not all men are this scurvy, however ladies of Pittsburgh, please be on the lookout on POF for an Asian man with “Woo” in his name, he will literally love you long time, which in his mind is only for 48 hours.

 

Your Hair Smells Pretty

                In addition to an eventful girls night while discovering that the Blazin Asian was the World’s Worst online dater, one of my friends encountered the world’s “Worst way to pick up a sober girl”

                It was around midnight and me the girls decided to leave the bar that we had met at, and headed to another trendy place not too far away.  For whatever reason, it was not a happening night in the Robinson area, most of the bars were dead, so we found ourselves at a desolate Robinson bar at 12:30 on a Saturday night.  Being that we each had driven separately, we were not drinking, so we pretty much just went to our final destination to people watch and prove a point to ourselves that we were not old and could still stay out till 2 am. 

                When we walked in the door  it wasn’t wall to wall people, but a nice mix of 20 somethings – up to 50 somethings.  We made our way to the corner of the bar where one of the girls I was with was meeting up with some people she knew, so when we spotted them, we had a group of about 6 of us.  As we observed the dance floor, it was a very different extreme.  The dance floor had 2 age groups, 1. “I’m a 21 year old drunk girl I don’t give a fuck” and 2. “I’m a 40 year old drunk man alone at the bar about to channel my inner quagmire.” 

                As we watched this older gentleman prey on these young girls, his approach was really weak.  I believe he had drank himself in to social awkwardness.   He was “that guy” that stand really close to a girl on the dance floor but doesn’t dance, just stares and hovers?  Yeah..that.  So as we watched  every 21 year old on the dance floor who had a sober enough friend to know better drag her drunk friend away from him, eventually the dance floor became empty.   As all of this was going on to the right of us, to the left side we had one of our friends hitting on a married cougar who’s husband was literally sitting next to her.

                This woman knew exactly what she was doing, and it was questionable that this couple may have been swingers.  She looked 35, but you knew she was older.  She was wearing a body hugging white dress and had moves that would make Miley Cyrus put her damn tongue back in her mouth.  She was hot and knew it, and worked pretty much every guy in the room with her eyes.  She is a vision of what I hope to look like in 20+ years. 

                When the cougar was done dancing, she began chatting up our friend “Jersey”.  He was a friend of our friends who was a displaced Jersey guy and absolutely gorgeous.  All three of us girls  were trying desperately to keep his attention, and where it worked for a while, he would eventually divert conversation back to the cougar, so eventually we realized that he didn’t care that 3 single women were drooling over him and vying for his attention and just gave up and let the cougar win. 

                As we stood there and watched our hearts sank as he started flirting with the cougar, I had noticed out of the corner of my eye the drunk guy from the dance floor hovering behind us.  I knew what was going to happen next, it was just a question as to which one of us was going to get victimized.  As I watched him stare and observe, I warned my friend to the right of me and shifted that way hoping that I would be out of the line of sight…and that’s when it happened.

                Let me paint you a picture and put yourself in to my friends shoes.  You are leaning against a bar facing the bartenders, trying to get their attention for a drink.  The next thing you know, you feel a body press up against you from behind (like no space between you whatsoever), and hear a guy whisper in your ear as his Miller Light breath breezes across your cheek “Hi There”.  This guy broke every personal space rule every known to man.  Creeped out, my friend lied, grabbed a male friend that was with us, and lied her ass off about him being her boyfriend.  Did that stop him?  Not at all…he kept talking to her.  After a very brief conversation, he moved back in to his space behind us, and yet again observed who his next victim would be.  Approximately less than 3 minutes later, he did the same approach to our other friend…who was standing right next to the girl he had previously hit on.  He went nose to ear and body to body with her and I lost it.   My poor friend was terrified, so we grabbed her and went to the dance floor, but unfortunately…he followed.  So here we are, feeling like we are 25 again doing scare tactics to make guys go away.  (Dancing with each other, doing very dorky moves and rotating positions almost like playing musical creeper).  Nothing was working…he stood there and just stared at her like he was going to tie her up in a basement.  Somewhere out there, someone was looking out for her.  As we ran away, a bouncer grabbed him and kicked him out.  I didn’t think you could kick someone out of a bar for being “creepy” but apparently this guy did. 

                So I’m sure you’re wondering about the cougar and her husband?  We after she lost interest in Jersey, her husband went to the bathroom, and she had already moved on to another guy who happened to be sitting on the other side of her.  So to paint you a picture it went

 

          X                             X                             X

                                                Other Guy                      Cougar             Cougars Husband

While her husband was in the bathroom, her and her new friend engaged in a very flirty conversation that landed the guy having his hand on the small of her back.  It was funny how once her husband turned the corner and was in the line of sight again, his hand disappeared back to his own area?  Weird.  How is it that I can’t even get a second date with a guy, but this bitch has 3 guys stumbling over her engaging in some sort of weird live episode of “Desperate Housewives of Robinson?”  

As we all left, Jersey decided to give one last stitch effort in whatever game she was playing.   We gave him the 5 minute friend rule (where you wait outside for 5 minutes and if they don’t show up they are on their own).  He never came out.  We are not sure what happened to him, if he made it out alive or if the cougar ripped him to shreds.  So I shall dedicate the ending of this blog to our new friend Jersey – the guy that chose to go for a 3 way with a cougar and her husband vs. his choice of 3 single ladies that are all tigers in the sack.  Hope to see you in the jungle again someday!

Keeping it real –
Shelby