Same Shit - Different Year

I used to be one of those people that would eat up the "new year, new me" and "this is going to be my year" bullshit. But after about year 30, resolutions last shorter and shorter, and long term goals turn in to daily wins including successfully getting out of bed without tripping over anything or managing to wear matching socks. 

At the start of this new year, even the first 10 days in, if it was any foreshadowing of the upcoming year for me, I sooner than later may be seeking out convents to join. 

I started off the year by setting up a ridiculous amount of dates (like 6 in two weeks) with the hopes of at least finding one with 2nd date potential. I have a tendency of this vicious circle of overachieving, feeling defeated, quitting for a few weeks, and repeat. I had set up a match.com date with a guy that lived fairly close to me and we agreed to meet at a local pizza joint, so I had hoped that I would be starting the year off on a positive note with someone who lived within my "shower spider killing concept" 

You see, I have several female friends that I pretty much confide everything to, considering we see each other almost every day. They are constantly joking with me because my ideal guy would live up the street if it were up to me. I find places like Robinson, Monroeville and Cranberry to be the equalivallant of a long distance relationship, because it is a different zone according to the pat bus system.  I love debating with men that live in those areas that tell me they can make it downtown in 25/30 min. I always congratulate them on 1. Breaking speed limits and managing to not lose their license and 2. Remind them to add 15 min on to their travel time, because I live that far away from "downtown" in an awkward area that is not convient to get to. Normally I win and if that doesn't work I always use the example of the shower spider:

What happens if I find a terrifying spider in my bath tub that has crawled up the drain?  There is a small 30 minute window that I can lock myself in my bedroom terrified, before I go in to horror movie mode. I need that hero that lives within that 30 min radius that can come kill it, before I consider moving.  That my friends, is my definition of a knight and shining armor.    

Now I'm sure you are thinking, "What do you do now with you don't have a hero?" To which the answer is simple - typically I will still lock myself in a safe part of the house hoping it will disappear, and if it doesn't, I awkwardly try to drown it and send it back down the drain- but the mental anguish of worrying that by killing one of its own, that others will follow and conspire to inflict revenge like pissed off villagers with torches- I do not want to be responsible for allowing my overactive imagination to get the best of me...

So with that being said, I had found someone living in my own zip code? Instant brownie points. So as I geared up for whatever 2015 throws at me, I headed to the date....

When I arrived it was fairly normal of a start. He looked just like his pictures so I had not felt as if I had been fooled. He had told me in an email that he had been on vacation all week and had pretty much done nothing but watched college bowl games. Not really my idea of a vacation but whatever to each their own. During our date, there happened to be a bowl game on, to which he asked the waitress if she could change the station to it, which again -not a big deal. Trying to rip a man away from sports is the equivillant of asking them to stop breathing so I get it, however on a first date I feel there can be a special exception. 

Literally the entire time I was there - the only time he took his eyes off the tv to talk to me was during commercial breaks. He was even more interested in shit-texting his brother every other minute than engaging in any kind of "getting to know you conversation" that involved him looking at me. About midway though the date, I felt like I was on a date with myself, to which I realized that I wanted to be sitting at home watching tv alone, instead of sitting in this pizza place with someone who is distracted with college bowl game - that mind you was a 30 point blow out and this point, so I made the executive decision to fake a hangover. I started getting "sicker and sicker" however I didn't have to do much psychial  acting considering I could of stabbed myself with a fork and got carted off by the paramedics and he wouldn't of took his eyes off the goddamn TV screen to notice me missing from the table. So finally I said that I needed to go home and lie down or I was going to throw up all over the table.  

He had asked me if I would mind giving him a ride home, to which I agreed because it was right down the street on my way home too. Amazingly, I had his full attention the 2 min drive home, however by that time it was too late for him - there wasn't going to be a second date. He then asked me if I wanted to come inside and 1. Listen to jazz records, 2. Drink a hot tea and "talk" and my favorite 3. Watch more college football. I declined and headed home feeling slightly defeated, but not ready to give up on dating all together.   

Apparently he thought the date went way better than it did because he asked me to hang out that next night and the night after, both events involved going to his place to "get to know each other and - you guessed it: watch football. Clearly this guy had no clue: Why the hell would I want to Partake in the same activity that you ignored me for the first time?  After I told him no 2 times he hit me with the "are you even interested in me?" Question. I'm sure this will shock a lot of people because I am perceived as being a very outspoken borderline bitch - however unless someone gets extremely inappropriate with me, I try to let down people I am not In to as politely as possible.  I tried explaining to him how I thought it was a total turn off that he pretty much ignored me the entire time for football - a blowout game too. He then then did what any rejected man would do and compare me to "all girls", said some pretty lightly offensive things, apologized and left me alone. Strike one

Rub Me in all the Wrong Ways

I had been getting bored with the ok Cupid and Pof circuit and wanted to try something different - so I decided to give Tinder a fair chance.  I had always done terrible on Tinder  not even in a gross message kind of way, more like a no message kind of way.   I knew people that got multiple dates from it, I typically wasn't as lucky. So naturally when the opportunity presented itself that I had found somebody on there that wanted to meet, I went into it open-mindedly. Being that Tinder is notoriously known for being a hook up app I made very clear right up front that that was not my intention, to which he was ok with and we seemed to be looking for the same things. Looking back now he did say some offbeat things that normally would strike me as socially awkward and not weird but I try to give everybody the benefit of the doubt especially when it's hard to know what peoples demeanors are when it comes to chatting not on the phone. 

Things started getting shaky when we tried to coordinate a place to meet at. As a 32-year-old female I might sound a little bit old school however I feel that I'm in a first date scenario the guy should either 1. Find a location that is close to the female so that she does not have to travel far. Or 2. Find a location that is halfway so that both parties have an equal distance to travel home upon a terrible date. I personally do not think that is too much to ask. So naturally when he suggested a location that was fairly close to him I declined and said let's try to meet somewhere halfway. He then gave me the name of another location outside of the city to which I thought was very close again to where he lived. He told me no and that I was thinking of a different area of Pittsburgh so I said okay and we decided to meet at a restaurant there. As I was driving to the restaurant and my directions told me to get off at the exit to which was in fact the city he lived in, I was pissed.  I hadn't even met this guy yet and he had already lied to me, naturally I was slightly jaded. 

As I made my way inside the restaurant he was standing at the hostess stand waiting for me. We sat down and ate our food and engaged in very normal conversation. I was slightly nervous it being a Tinder date and all because you never know what to expect. So I was very pleasantly surprised when the conversation maintained normal and respectable and I'd come to the conclusion that he was just quirky when he messaged. He excused himself to go to the restroom as I sat and finish my dinner. I still really wasn't sure if I was feeling him exactly, he really wasn't my type, but I was still willing to get to know him better. Little did I know this was the point of the date where the train would derail, catch on fire and start a forest fire similar to those of the ones in California. 

As he returned back from the bathroom he sat down directly next to me in the booth. Basing off of what little I knew about him I thought that he was doing it just to be slightly cute and corny funny, and figured that he would return to his side of the table after a minute or two...but he didn't. At first I laughed uncomfortably, but when I realized he was actually not going anywhere, it became a personal space issue for me. At this point I was stuck- if I backed myself towards the wall he would've had me pinned in the booth, but at least if I sat close enough to the edge I could always kind of shove him out if things got a bit uncomfortable. It's one thing to get up close and personal with somebody if you feel that the date is going that route but I don't feel that I set out any type of signal to elude that I wanted him to come sit next to me.  For me it got awkward at that point, but any chance of a second date ended when the next thing I know he begins to rub my leg under the table. He starts to rub and then tells me what strong leg muscles I have. In my mind all I can start thinking about is taking the fork that was left on the table, jamming it into his leg and see how he likes being touched.  I really tried not to come off as a stone cold bitch, but to me that is a "bad touch". It's one thing to rub the leg of someone that you have known for a while and have been previously intimate with, but to rub a girls leg on the first date when it's been established that there will be no hooking up- that's just inapprops. I decided that In order to diffuse the situation calmly I would nonchalantly grab his hand, remove it from my leg and place it on top of the table where it rightfully belonged. 

Unfortunately he had a secondary plan. When I went to grab his hand to remove from my knee, he then grabbed my hand and tried to hold it...under the table.  I couldn't tell if I had teleported back in to 4th grade, if this poor guy genuinely does not know proper first date protocol, or if he knew exactly what he was doing and thought I would be ok with it, either way I was officially freaked out. To make matters worse, when he grabbed my hand under the table he then looked at me and said "Oh come on, you can just hold my hand under the table nobody has to know."  I wanted to run but I couldn't because he was still sitting in the booth next to me. At this point I had to talk my way out of it. That was the only way I was going to get out of this situation safely. Not that he was any kind of threat mind you, but there's really no coming back from a "bad touch."  After completely bullshitting my way through an explanation that these are things that you don't do on a first date but on a second or more date, he returned to his side of the table. My presence at that restaurant was very short-lived after that.   Strike two

It'a Hot in Hurrrr

I had met this guy on OkCupid we hit it off instantly. Our first few messages back-and-forth were very fun, and we engaged in smart ass banter which is my favorite. Nothing is more attractive to me then a guy that can go toe to toe with me and my smart mouth, so naturally I was intrigued. A lot of times during the "getting to know you process" a conversation turns less into fun and more and more like an interrogation and you start to feel obligated to respond in lieu of getting excited. With him and I the conversation just flowed.  I have been excited for dates before but as the time grew closer for us to me I started getting really excited. If he was anything in person like he was on the phone, I felt like this guy had more potential than a lot of the others I had met. The only downside was that he lived 45 minutes away from downtown, close to where I grew up. I didn't want to get my hopes up too much, but he was willing to meet me more than halfway so I was willing to give it a shot, until literally our location changed three times between the day before and the day of and we kept getting further and further away from the city and closer and closer to his backyard. Again I found myself in a situation where I was irritated before I even left the house. 

When he showed up he was exactly what I expected. He was very good looking, you could tell that he took good care of himself, The only downer was that he smoked and I could smell it on him like a bloodhound. I promised myself that I would never become an ex-smoker that would frown upon people that smoke - however I've become a hypocrite and understand now what every guy I dated before went through.  Unless you are a smoker yourself- It's pretty gross. 

He chose a location that had been known for bringing in a lot of musical acts, but also had a restaurant too. The first hurdle that we experienced was when we sat down the band was playing very loudly so it was hard for us to hear each other. Not really a good place to have a first date but I didn't hold that against him. Within minutes of sitting down I had instantly noticed that he had kept wiping his forehead. I, naturally I'm always cold so for me to break out a sweat it's usually during physical activity or im getting ready to puke.  For him, however he was just sitting there wiping his forehead....a lot. 

Being fairly dark in there I didn't notice how bad he was sweating until a beam of light happened to hit his face and it looked like he had turned on his own personal waterfall. Sweat was visibly pouring from his face and his shirt was drenched to the point where it looked like he had gotten caught in a rainstorm. 

I kinda felt bad. I truly had hoped that it wasn't because he was nervous or that I was making him nervous, but he assured me that he had just got done working out and that was why.  I think he forgot that I'm pretty familiar with health and wellness, because I have never seen a product that would cause anyone to continue to sweat in such a way, especially that long after a workout. Before we even ordered our food, he excused himself and went to the bathroom to "freshen up". A few minutes later he came back and assured me that he felt better. 3 glasses of water and 2 attempts to move somewhere that we could actually hear ourselves talk. 

The entire time I was trying to distract myself from 1. The epic pit stains that were literally hypnotizing and 2. The constant motion of him wiping of his forehead with his forearm.  I tried to engage in banter-but made no comments about the sweating hoping it wouldn't detail the date. I managed to distract myself and we ended up having a very nice conversation and really opened up about our pasts/commonalities and joked around a bit. 

Literally after he got done eating the last bite of his meal - he excused himself from his seat and went outside to smoke a cig. At this point I knew he was pretty hooked considering I was in the same boat over 2 years ago. I was most happy that maybe by him going outside he would "cool" down, considering it was 25 degrees outside. When I looked at him outside, I swear I saw steam rising from him, but then again It could have easily been 1. The smoke of his cig or 2. The fire pit he was standing next to. Either way - it appeared that he was truly cooling off. 

When he returned inside he reeked of cigarette smoke. It was bad.  I tried not to say anything - again because I try not to be an hypocrite, and eventually the smell went away and I had hoped that by him going outside his body temp would return to normal and he would stop sweating. That was the case....for about 10 min. He then again began to continuously wipe his brow and I had eliminated all attempts to even come up with an explanation. As the date ended, even with a drenched shirt and all, he politely walked me to my car and watched me get lost attempting to get out of the confusing parking lot of his location. 

Remembering that I had a 45 min drive ahead of me, getting angry again, I had more than enough time to reflect on what had just occurred. 

I was willing to go out with him again, considering he didn't cross any "bad touch" lines, or ignored me for a televised sporting event. I was even willing to look past his smoking and profuse sweating, however I never heard from him after that. With that being only a week and a half in to the new year and strike three - I decided it was time to take a break from dating... 

So like a 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum - I deactivated all things online dating with the exception of my match.com profile because I am already locked in to a 6 month subscription. I wanted to deactivate my Facebook too, because lately I have been getting random friend requests from people I don't know, only to have them hit on me later. Unfortunately though, if I were not addicted to games like Family Guy: quest for stuff and candy crush - Facebook would be irrelevant to me, but since those games are linked to it, I'm kinda stuck. And also too- if it weren't for Facebook no one would know about this blog, so I'm slightly dammed if I do dammed if I don't. 

Sadly I do terrible on match.com so needless to say checking it once every couple of days doesn't really fall in to the "aggressive" category.  Now that I'm not online dating my days have been filled with work-working out-TV and sleep, and I gotta tell ya, not only have I lost a couple of lbs, but I've never been this rested in almost 2 years...

Keeping it real

-Shelby 

 

Walking disasters...

Being notoriously good at being single, recently I have changed my views on dating. You see before, I was a pessimistic the glass is half empty type person that would not get excited at all about having to shower, put on make up and even leave the house. I felt this way because I went in to these dates mentally prepared for the worst while hoping for the best. I used to write someone off very easily even for saying one wrong thing. 

I now try to be a glass is half full kind of person that goes in to a date open mindedly giving someone the benefit of the doubt...unless they annoy me

Or disrespect me in any kind of way.  Once we reach that point it's hard to come back from...then they just become the laughing stock of me and my friends. 

Dating this time around has been different for me too, simply because for a change, I am actually enjoying myself. In lieu of getting down on myself because I don't forsee a second date or feel any chemistry, I'm learning to embrace the different types of people that I meet/go out with, and maturely come to the conclusion that they are not the one for me, and it's on to the next one in the event that sparks don't fly. 

Lately though, During my dating adventures, I have ran in to some doozies that really have legit reasons as to why they are single, and not just by my standards, but by societies. Anytime I feel as if I am slipping back in to negative Nancy mode by fatal flawing someone, I always consult my 2 closest female friends and other female counterparts that always give me a realistic answer. Most of the time, they agree with me, which is nice to know that my levels of normalcy align with theirs. 

And with that I present three dating experiences that I have been on recently that were noteworthy blog material...

Lemme take a selfie....

I had met a 38 year old financial broker on Pof. He seemed legit and right up my alley. He was good looking, tall and had decently normal pictures of himself on his profile. His descriptions were very well written and he seemed intelligent and in a good place with his life, and after messaging back and forth for a couple of days we exchanged numbers. 

Within the first couple of messages via text I received a selfie from him, which i 1. Did not ask for and 2. Really didn't understand why, when we weren't talking about anything selfie related, but trying to place logic behind it, I thought maybe he just wanted to confirm that he was not cat fishing me, so I let it go. Upon receiving the first selfie, I then received 3 more within a 5 minute span, all of which were already on his dating profile....it was at this point I knew I couldn't take this guy serious. 

I have a very strong opinion on selfies...and I'm sure I am going to offend like 1/3 of my Facebook friends when I go on my rant, but everyone is entitled to their own opinions right? 

I am not a selfie person. I do not take them and send them to random people for no reason nor do I post them on Facebook. Typically if I am sending you a selfie it is of a facial expression that I am making in response to a comment that you have made. On occasion, I will flick someone off, thumbs up, or even just smile and show crazy eyes, to reply in a witty way. The abuse of selfie taking has hit an all time high in recent years (thank you fucking all things kardashian) and now people feel the need to take selfies with no grounds behind them.  Nothing irritates me more than when someone posts a selfie and adds a headline that has absofuckinglotley nothing to do with the picture being shot. Seeing someone's face, followed by a caption that is a Marilyn Monroe quote does not make you cool, it's a cry for attention. Hey, if you are having a bad day and need a pick me up, that's fine - go for it. If you are looking good and want to show the world how awesome your make up is, I'll support that...but leave the goddam stupid redundant inspirational quotes or meaningless headlines to yourself and just leave it at "new makeup" or "I feel pretty today".  At least that way, you are directly asking for attention, in lieu of trying to be coy about it...men shouted from the roof tops that duck faces are super unattractive, yet we did it anyways...I really hope the selfie era ends as quickly as Adrian Petersons career did after doing something extremely stupid. 

So after 5 selfies in one text convo, I was exhausted and headed to bed. Unfortunately I was awoken to a "good morning selfie" which was him..lying in bed...shirt off...with his come hither eyes. I wanted to vomit. I truly thought a 38 year old man with a good job and great education would be smart enough to know not to act like a 21 year old self conscious college girl with daddy issues, but apparently I was wrong... And then it got even better when he asked me for a selfie to which I replied no...I don't do selfies. 

 

Our painful conversation continued and I was growing equally annoyed. In addition to the pictorial of his daily habits I had received, he was also one of those overly optimistic types that would end every text with "right on" and "I'm digging your positive energy". All I kept visualizing was Matthew McConaughey in tropic thunder where his character is an overly super annoying and positive. That was him and I wanted to fucking strangle him. 

As the days passed it became a fun experiment for me. I started to Pavlov's dog him. Every time he would send me a selfie, I would not respond, yet every time he would send me a normal text I would respond, just to see if he would subliminally get the hint, and of course he didn't.  It became a fun game for me, that I even shared with my friends as I would laugh over drinks and show them the fantastic pictorial that my iPhone so graciously assembled via its new update where it now summarizes every pic message that is sent between you and another person.   At this point I had to witness this human being in person, strictly for my own entertainment. So after 2 cancellations due to scheduling conflicts, the big date fell upon us. 

We agreed to meet at a local place that is known for their burgers. Him making it very clear that he is a health nut, chose the place which was surprising. As I was getting ready, he had asked me if the time was still good to which I replied "yepperz".  He then questioned my choice of words by adding a "z" to the word yepperz and continued to ask me yes or no questions. I had noticed after answering "yepperz" 2 times he had became annoyed. Had I had finally found his kryptonite?!  Yepperz!  

I continued for the next few text messages to add the letter "z" to everything, just for shitz and gigglez. This really got him worked up and annoyed and at this point I absolutely couldn't wait to meet him. 

Upon his arrival, he looked exactly like his pictures..all 27 of them that he had previously sent to me, so it was hard for him to fool me. It was sad because he was tall, good looking and well dressed.   As he sat down at the table, we began the painful 1 hour convo, it began with micromanaging of my entree choice. When I told the waitress that I wanted only meat and cheese on my burger, he glared across the table at me like a confused puppy. When I asked him what's up, he asked why I got a plain burger, and explained to him that I don't eat vegetables. It was almost watching a robot go in to meltdown mode, I could of swore I saw smoke coming from his ears as the mouse stopped running, because he then proceeded to tell me how weird I am, and gave me a lecture for 5 minutes about the necessity of vegetables in an every day diet. It was the eye roll heard around the world for me, and I you felt the earth shift a bit one random Saturday in October, that was my feeling of giving a fuck leaving the restaurant and entering the atmosphere...so sorry for that if you felt it. 

 

After struggling through a conversation that consisted of clean food choices via crockpotting, finding out that Joe Magnello was not the sexy beast in high school he is today in return this mind set indirectly fuels the life in to my battery operated objects, and watching him squirm as I ate the bread separately front my sandwich (because bread is empty calories, right on) we then got to the most important part of the date, "why do you add "z" to everything?" 

I replied accordingly, "I'm sorry does it bother you that I do that?"  He said-"yes, it's improper grammar". "Oh so it really annoyed you huh?" I asked. "Yes it did," he replied. "Oh ok, so now you know what it's like for me everytime  you send me a selfie that pertains to nothing conversation related, you are welcome!" Again looking like a confused puppy I explained to him that a 38 year old man should not be acting like a 21 year old college girl with self esteem issues and he should know better. He agreed to never send me a selfie ever again, and I felt at that instance that I had won a small battle in the ongoing selfie war. As we wrapped things up all I wanted to do was get home, so naturally when he asked me for coffee afterwards, i declined and literally gave him the "2 pats on the back hug" and jumped in my car as if I was carjacking myself. Literally as I pulled in the drive way I got a text telling me that he thought that we should just be friends and it was a pleasure meeting me. That was one friend zone I was more than happy to enter. 

Two weeks later when I posted my skanky Halloween costume pics across the dating websites to draw out the freaks, I got a text from him. Apparently he saw my pics and felt maybe he had jumped the gun about the just being friend thing....I didn't even justify that comment with an answer....

Do you want to go to the pirate game?During my first try at match.com in my early 20s I didn't have much luck. Granted, I also wasn't the same person that I am now, so when the only guy I ever went out with from round one found me on linked in, I decided I would be willing to give it another go. I remember his fatal flaw years ago was that he wore a guido chain (pre Kesha "Jesus on my necklace reference") and a blazer to our date to McFaddens to watch a pens game. Naturally, I wore pens gear and jeans, because that is what is considered normal attire to wear to an establishment that even at its cleanest and emptiest reeks of vomit and your shoes stick to the floor like quicksand. I remember the convo being pretty normal, but he was just extremely overdressed for the occasion and I fatal flawed him. 

Fast forward several years later, where I appreciate a guy in sports gear any day, I thought maybe I may have over reacted, and decided to give it another go. 7 years had passed and I have grown up a lot since then, both mentally and maturely. 

Upon our initial convo, I discovered I still had his number in my phone, and there was no crazy note attached to it like "Steve daddy issues" or "Mark DONOT ANSWER" so I figured he wasn't all that bad.  So we began to plan the date accordingly. 

He had mentioned that he had tickets to a Friday night Pirates game. I was totally ok with a Pirate game date because it's unique and told him that was ok if he wanted to do that, to which he said ok.  That was Tuesday. 

On Wednesday, I got the standard "HI, how is your day" text, which led to normal convo. Mid way through he asked me, "so what do you want to do on Friday?"  I was a bit taken back by this considering I thought we had confirmed we were going to the pirate game. I even went back in to my texts to make sure I wasn't making it up. Sure enough there had been a text from Tuesday saying the pirate game was ok. 

Confused I replied, "I thought we already said we were going to the pirate game?" To which he replied, "well I wasn't sure if you still wanted to go, so I gave those tickets away.  It's ok I will get new ones."  Strange, I thought. What is any more crystal clear to someone then Yes let's go to the pirate game on fri?  Not really sure how one would mistake that?  Oh well no big deal, I thought and the convo continued. 

Almost 5 minutes later he asked me again, what I wanted to do on Friday and at this point I was starting to get annoyed. Either he is kinda dumb, suffers from memory issues, is on something, or not paying attention. As slightly angry as one can get over text msg I said," I just said 5 min ago and yesterday, let's go to the pirate game."   Almost immediately my phone rings and its him. 

"I figured this would be easier" he said, and instead of talking about our plans he started with small talk. After a couple of min, he says, "so what do you want to do on Friday?"  Im baffled at this point, and finally being able to hear my frustration in my voice said, "ok for the 4th time, why don't we go to the pirate game?"  He then gave this explanation that he wanted to make sure I was ok with going to the pirate game with him so he was just making sure...4 times apparently. At this point, the exciting feeling of going to the game on Friday was drifting down the river of dating despair. I'm not sure what was more painful, saying yes to the date and additional 5th time, or trying to coordinate a location to meet. 

I had suggested that since I work downtown it was easier for me to just stay in town after work and just walk to the north shore and meet him. Apparently it was almost as if it was a system meltdown and his brain went in to panic mode, because the idea confused him. "Don't you want to ride in to the game together?" He said, to which I explained to him it was easier and logically easier for me to just meet him on the north shore. Makes sense right?  Nope not to him. He wanted me to get on a bus going out of the city, to which he would pick me up at said bus stop only to head back in to the city for the game. Saying the entire idea out loud lowered my own IQ a few points.  After informing him that there was absolutely no way that I was going to do that plan we finally agreed to meet at a North Shore location. We had set a time a location and exactly when I thought we had actually made any kind of progress as to nailing down detailed plans he then stop the conversation and asked "so what do you want to do on Friday?"  At this point I was now exceptionally annoyed and I was convinced that he was on something. Trying not to show my frustrations and go into total bitch mode I decided to change the conversation. We then began to talk about the past seven years of our lives (mostly me and an emphasis on the past 2 years of mine), to which we started talking about our own trials and tribulations. I began to talk about how I was hosting singles events and through hosting singles events I was meeting great people and started talking about my one friend who was going through a transitional time where unfortunately his ex was a coworker. 

As I got halfway through my story he stopped me and said "I have a friend, and he was going through a rough time too so I helped him". Then there was an awkward silence at the end of the phone because I expected him to elaborate. That's when I realize I think he fell asleep and he had no intentions of elaborating because his train of thought trailed off. That was my cue to end the conversation. Literally the minute that I hung up the phone I texted him and said we should probably not hang out because I didn't think our personalities would click. My surprise I got a very simplistic reply of "ok". Two weeks later I got a random text message from him at 2 o'clock in the morning asking me where I've been, to which I just ignored. 

The next week I was talking to one of my friends and we were catching up and what was new and exciting in our lives. She then proceeded to tell me about how the night before she had gone out with a guy who turned out to be exceptionally weird. She continued to tell me details about her date and how she went to a bar and met up with this guy and two of his friends and within five minutes of meeting him he was already trying to put his arms around her waist and telling her how much he liked her. She said there was something off about him chill and how the conversation just didn't really flow. Headed felt good secretly knowing that I wasn't the only one going on a terrible date with a weird person so I asked her to send me a picture of this guy. I literally almost shit a brick when I was looking at a picture of the same guy that I didn't go to the pirate game with... Out of all of the men in Pittsburgh my friend went out with pirate game guy unbeknownst to either of us... I have literally called her and told her the entire story about pirate game guy the day it happened... The world literally got smaller that day. 

Blast from the past

I had met this guy in 2008 randomly at Jekyll and Hyde halfway to Halloween party. I don't even remember how I happened but we ended up striking up a conversation having similar interests and ended up hanging out a couple of times but nothing ever came out of it so instantly I just assumed that we would remain friends. How is being a perfect gentleman to me and taking care of me when I was belligerent drunk I always had a special place in my heart for this guy but in a friend kind of way.  With each passing year the phone calls and the text sporadically stopped and it turned into a hey how are you every once in a while. Then about three years later I got a Random text the change the entire dynamic of our relationship. And started asking me all of these weird sexual questions that involve vibrators, dildos and anal beads oh my!  I was absolutely shocked to know that this guy could've possibly been what 50 shades of gray was based off of. Where did I have an exceptionally low filter but when I start to get invited to ram random objects up males asses that's not really my thing. So there was a period of time where I didn't respond to him, because I wanted no part of it.  Waking up to a message from somebody asking you to use butt plugs on them typically means your day is going to start out hilariously. 

So after a few years had passed I didn't really expect to hear from him because I had assumed that he had found his Anastasia Steele and was living happily ever after anal beads and all. So I was rather shocked when an old acquaintance of mine texted me to tell me that he had messaged her on plenty of fish looking for me. Realizing that he was single again could only mean one of two things 1. He was still trying to discover his freaky side and needed a friend to talk about it or 2. He experimented, moved on from that phase and just wanted to catch up for old time sake.  So after a brief discussion we decided to meet up for dinner. Hadn't changed a bit since I last saw him. Still very good looking very polite and it was almost as if no time had passed since we last spoke. Out of common courtesy I waited until at least dinner had arrived to start asking him about his sexual encounters. He was very shy to talk about it and I could tell that he wasn't telling me everything so I try to get as much information out of him as I possibly could without making him feel uncomfortable. He tried to play it off as if he was over that life and ready to live a vanilla lifestyle. Luckily I've known him for so many years that I can smell bullshit a mile away when it comes to him. I knew he was lying to try to get into my good graces and that was fine because I still even after all of these years wasn't attracted to him in that way. As no surprise that at the end of the night I got the awkward text that said I like you, we should date. The entire night I tried to Divert the entire conversation away from that exact result.  I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I politely tiptoed around the idea that he was definitely not the one for me. I thought I'd handled the situation very well and mature and even adult like. And then a few days later this conversation happened.... 

Needles to say...dodged a bullet, or dildo with this one...

I would like to dedicate this blog to anybody and everybody who is ran across somebody during their dating experiences that is just a little bit off, or is it slightly abnormal, and is a great story to tell your friends about. I will say that for these three terrifying experiences I have had many more positive ones. Even though I haven't found "the one" yet, i'm at least enjoying the ride. just remember if you can't laugh at yourself, you shouldn't laugh at other people...

Keeping it real-

Shelby 

Speed Dating - The Chuck Hull Perspective

So here it is, April 12th, and I'm about to venture into something that I never

thought I'd do.  I'm about to enter the world of Speed Dating.  I'm not sure who came up with this concept, or even how it started, but it's definitely something I never thought I'd do.  Thanks to Shelby, I now am doing this. And thanks again to Shelby, I'm not doing it alone.  But, let's make sure I set the record straight. She didn't talk me into it. She didn't have to persuade me. She said "wanna do speed dating with me?"  I pretty much said, "why not?"

   

                First a quick little note about me.  My name is Chuck, and I'm a 39 year old single guy living in Pittsburgh.  I'd like to picture myself as one of the nice guys out there, but I'm sure I have my moments just like everyone else. After all, I'm only human.  I'm not sure why I'm single, but that's probably one of the dumbest questions I think I've ever heard anyone ask anyone.  "You're such a nice guy, why are you single?"   Oh gee, I don't know, probably because your uptight ass won't let me get past first base, or even a hello?  (See, I'd like to think I'm a nice guy, but I have the same bitterness that lives inside us all.  haha)

    

               How did I meet Shelby you may ask? Well, you probably won't, but I'll tell you anyway.  Outside of my normal job, I DJ on the side. I was working at the Boardwalk (remember that shit hole?) when I met Shelby. She was a rep for Iron City at the time, and of course since I thought she was pretty damn attractive, I was gonna chat her up and see what I could get out of her. (not that way so stop it.)   It was summer, hot, and I was thirsty, and she provided me with plenty of free IC Lites. That's how I roll. But seriously, I chatted her up with my coworkers, and we just kinda became friends. I don't hang out with her as much as many of you  (to which in her drunken state on Thursday she reminded me at least a dozen times that we should

hang out more. I'd agree,) but it was time to hang out with her for an adventure in Speed Dating.

             Speed dating.  How was it? Would I do it again? Was it worth the $25.00 sign up
fee?  I'll get to that later.  I head over to Shelby's right after work to pick her up, and we're both a bit nervous.  Like any normal guy, I like to make sure I look nice when I'm in a group setting you know, just in case I may meet someone.  And, like any single guy should....VALUE THE OPINION OF YOUR FEMALE FRIENDS!  I took three extra shirts with me to Shelby's and pretty much told her to dress me.  She did.  Yeah, I've got that backwards for sure.  We were not sure what to expect so we're making jokes about the kinds of people we may meet. Will there be really old people? Will there be creepers, nut jobs, baldies, extra large, etc.  Not don't get
me wrong, good people come in all shapes and sizes, but we're both a little freaked out about what we're getting into.  I know Shelby wanted to do this for her blog, but I'm sure she didn't mind meeting someone as well.  Me? Well, I'm 39 and single, and I'm doing it to back up Shelby, but at the same time I'm thinking it would be nice to meet someone. I've never been married and I'm fucking 39.  This for me, is a huge step. I've been on dates before, but it's been a long long time.  Oh crap, the drive is over and we're here.

                We walk into Bossa Nova, and we're not sure where this shit is going down.

We're a bit relieve to see quite a few people there.  It's about 6:30pm, and there
are probably about 30-40 people here.  Not too bad at all.  It was a nice mix of people, so we're both thinking positive things.  We ask the hostess where the speed dating registration is and she points to our right, and there is no one there but the people holding the event.  Yeah, those people?  They're not here for the speed dating.  Shelby and I get our name tags, and they brief us the night and we decide we now need a drink.  I don't see any women yet.  It's pretty much Shelby and myself, oh and a guy named  Guy 1.  I'm not going to use names.   He was pretty open and started talking to use and we were finally joined by another woman.  I think

this was when Shelby and I kinda ignored the other guy to talk to the woman, and well I had my reason for doing so, and I'm sure Shelby's was because she found this conversation more interesting.  Shelby found a new best friend and we're not drink two into the night, and we haven't even started our "dating" yet.  SIDEBAR - There was a group of cougars at the bar that asked what our name tags were for, and we said Speed Dating.  Then good old Shelby proceeds to tell the Cougars that "this is my best friend Chuck. He's single, and he's really awesome, and you all should talk to him."  Ain't she the best!  They did say they were all married, and she asked "happily?"  Gotta love her!

  

                 We see more people walking in finally for the speed dating, and we do a quick

shot, and head up to where we needed to be.  There are finally more woman, and seemingly more men.  We find out they had 14 men and 12 woman registered.  Two women did not show up.  So it's 14 to 10, and Shelby likes her odds.  At least I think she does.  They go over there rules and it's pretty much this: You get six minutes on your date, and you can talk about anything you want.  After the time is up, they'll ring a bell, and the men proceed to the next number.  The tables are marked 1-14, and you move up each time.  I'm to start at number 11.  Great. I'm starting out alone....again....which is pretty much why I'm here right?  After all the rules are explained, the host asks if we have any questions.  Well, I'm kinda goofy, and a
whole lot of nervous, and maybe a bit tipsy and I blurt out "Yeah, where's my date?"
 In a goofy dorky kinda of way.  That was met with a good old fashioned patented Shelby eye  roll, which was then met in turn with a stern finger pointing from me while lip sinking "don't roll your eye I'm scared shit less."

                It starts and my self and the other three dateless guys talk to the host in just normal small talking fashion.  She rings the bell and I get up and move to the next table. I sit alone for six minutes staring off into space. Ring Ring, table 13...take a call from my parents...ring ring table 14 and I'm still sitting looking at the ceiling.  I shoulda danced on it.  Anyhow, when I look back at this, I moved three times from one empty table to the next.  I don't even know why I moved because there was no one at any of the tables. You'd think I'd be smart enough to just stay where I was and talk to everyone else until I had my change to get to table 1. Nope, I moved to three empty tables and pretty much felt stupid.  But ring ring....time to talk to girl number 1.

                I'm pretty loosened up at this point and just start talking with a simple how

are you blah blah.  I opened up with the fact that she was the first girl I got to talk to so far, but after spending almost four dates with myself, I found me to be pretty awesome, and she had some tough competition. She actually laughed at that, but it's all about the delivery I guess.  She seemed very nice, and it turns out that my world got small talking with her.  She worked for a company that my company deals with on a regular basis.  We were both very familiar with each others jobs.   Yep, world got small. 

               Girl 2 was her friend and co-worker, and this one was just as nice.  This one I was immediately attracted too.  Great smile, gorgeous eyes, and just plain wowed me.  All of a sudden, bell rings.  I wasn't ready to leave.  Six minutes goes by fast. Real fast.  We took a quick break for snacks, but then back to business.

               Girl 3 was just a year younger than me, and I found her very attractive as

well.  Shelby adored her and was really pulling for us to be a match.  I could kinda tell though that I was probably not her type, but still, I gave it my all in six minutes and enjoyed chatting with her.

                Girl 4 was where things started to slide.   Right off the bat she states that she has questions for me.  I pretty much ended up being grilled.  She was basically interviewing me.  And not like in a nice way either.  Just the tone of her voice was all serious and business.  She then goes "OK I'm done with my questions I guess we can talk now."  Um...huh?  Ok, Chuck charm time. I'm gonna give her the benefit of the doubt and still be me and chat her up.  "So, how are you tonight, are you having a good time, or what made you do something like this.'    She replied with "well, after four lousy years with my ex....."   Screeeech.  Yeah, only a minute into our six, and she's talking about an ex with such hatred.  This conversation is clearly over.  She brought the ex up a total of 3 times in six minutes.  Yeah.  NEXT!

               Girl 5 and 6 were also friends and very young.  24?  I thought the minimum age was

supposed to be 27?  Oh, and girl 5? She wasn't even from here. She was from out of town visiting (well that's what girl 6 told me.)  She was very nice, but she also kinda wasted the time of 14 men by being here.  Thanks for that.  Girl 7 didn't seem too interested in chatting, but the first words out of her mouth was "I need a Jager Bomb."  I hope she realized she was perfect, because any girl that likes Jager is a keeper. 

               Girl 8 was a single mom, and extremely cute as well. I give her all the credit in the world because she seemed very nervous and a little shy, but for a single mom to give speed dating a shot takes guts, and that to me is just awesome.

               Girl 9 was our girl Shelby!  We took the opportunity to go to the bathroom since we

knew each other, and Shelby pretty much walked into the men's room with me because she wasn't paying attention blabbing away about the guys she was meeting.  The bathroom attendants just stared at her like um.... I couldn't stop laughing.  Shelby admitted that she might be drunk, and I told her I figured.  When we got back to the tables, we found out they paused all the dates while we walked away.  Oops.  We told them we knew each other and just decided to go to use the restroom. Then Shelby burped. Loudly.  I could not contain my laughter.  She is the best speed dater ever. Hands down.  I do this again, I'm not doing it without her.  

The last girl looked like she was about as interested in me as she was the other 13 guys.

That was it.  The dates were over. Now what?  Well, at the start, we were given
a sheet of paper.  We were to write down each dates name, comments and circle either "let's date" or "sorry not interested."  I circled four let's dates and pretty much ney to everyone else.  I got my results early the next morning.   Three of the let's dates, said the same for me, so they considered us a match.  They also provided information for girls that said yes to you, but I said no too "just in case you were really undecided and want to give them a second chance."   I pretty much know who said no to me.  Their loss because like I said, I spent the first 24 minutes with myself and I'm just plain fucking awesome.

               OK we're done, and now what?  It's only 9 o'clock on a Thursday night and we don't want this to be a waste of a night. Shelby is pretty drunk, but not too drunk, and she's ready to party.  I can't lie, I was ready to go out too.  I was wide awake (thanks to 5 hour energy.)  We did get a chance to talk more to some of our dates, and we did try to get everyone else to come with us. Well, actually that's a lie. Drunk Shelby did.  I knew not what I was in for. I only read about it, but now I get to witness it first hand.  Truly the best speed date partner ever. 

               We went to Jekyl and Hyde for some karaoke action.  Android and iPhones are all fine and dandy, but the video cameras lack light in a darkened bar.  I may have recorded Shelby's

drunken rendition of "I will Survive" but we'll never see it because the video is so dark.  Mind you, even drunk, she kicks ass on vocals.  We also will not be able to see our local hero Big Tom busting out get low, and good old Shelby putting out the bump and grind on our long haired

friend again due to lack of lighting.  Four of the guys from the speed date did show up, and were all very eager to talk with our Shelby.  She made four new friends that night.   Go Shelby!

What did I learn from the night?

               I love Shelby and love being her wing man. She however sucks as a wing woman. At least that's what she told me about four times.It's actually not as hard for me to talk to woman as I thought it was.  And as it turns out, some if them even like talking with me. Bonus.Six minutes is not a long time. It, in fact, is practically six seconds.Shelby's mom somehow knows I rock, and we are now Facebook Friends. Awesome.Planking on the floor of Jekyl and Hyde is NOT recommended. There you have it, well from what I can remember.  Thursday was a fun adventure, and I would probably do it again. I know what I may have written may not have been as entertaining and crazy as what is normally in this blog, but Shelby wanted to try something different.  In this case you got me, Chuck (aka DJ Qwik at Jekyl and Hyde every other Friday night hint hint) and what is was like for me in the world of dating.  I came out of this with restored confidence believe it or not, and I hold out hope that there is someone out for me, and it's not too late just because I'm 39.  Oh, I also learned that I need to not buy as many Cherry Vodka cokes for Shelby as I did.  She likes to plank when you give her that many. 

Keepin it real from a guys perspective.....Chuck