Calling out the crazies

It's that age old tale, girl meets boy, girl falls for boy, then girl turns absolutely psychotic? Apparently, it is societies newest version of a Disney cartoon.  Recently, I have heard some absolutely horrific stories from guys I know about chance encounters that they have had with women, and I must say it's quite disturbing.  Where I find it highly entertaining, and most of the time they deserved what they got, after hearing some of these stories, I'm actually ashamed to be a member of the female species.  Girls, I know this is going to be difficult to read, but the crazier you are, the less of a chance there is for girls like me.  And now begins my ode to crazy girls.

1. Phone Etiquette.

                You meet a gorgeous guy.  You think he's in to you.  You patiently await for that call or text to confirm the feeling is mutual, and nothing.  Now what happened on your date is unknown to me, however I can tell you this: Yes, now a days women are being more forward and putting themselves out there.  I commend all of you for this.  Me, personally, I'm much more of a fan of letting the guy text first  (old fashioned at heart), but at what point did you really think its a "great" idea to blow his phone up with 6 texts and 5 voicemails?  If he doesn't answer your first text, why do you feel the need to send 5 more?  Are you really that attention starved or desperate that you need to make us all look bad?  And you wonder why you're not getting a response?  Your already at a stage 5 clinger status, and you haven't even gotten to a second date.   You are that insignificant fly on his wall, that now, all he wants you to do is hope you fly out the window or get eaten by a spider.   Either way, you have pretty much cock blocked yourself and need to just give up, not just on him, but on every dream you ever had about finding someone.

                Incase you haven't noticed, this is what your friends are for.  Your friends are the ones you vent to about this, so that they can give you either the sugar coated version or the real version as to why he hasn't called/texted.  Maybe he's busy, maybe he's not interested, either way, the more texts you send without a response, becomes a more pathetic conversation that you are having with only yourself. 

2. Showing Up at His Place Uninvited

                You are proactively becoming more and more of a head case.  If you have ever done this before, you really need to get a hobby (try plentyoffish.com). In theory, it is a nice gesture, for a guy that actually appreciates it.  For the guy that just wants you to leave him alone, which he has made it very clear by not responding to any of your communications, this is also not the best idea.  You have now gone from stage 5 clinger to stalker.  If you are at this point and looking for love, I would suggest buying a puppy, at least it will love you for your imperfections. 

3. Blaming Them for Leading You On

                I really wish that girls had a better attitude about this.  If a guy is calling you at 2 am seeing what your up to, chances are he's trying to get in your pants.  If a guy only calls you at 2 am seeing what your up to, he's trying to get in your pants.  If you have already given it up to him (which you probably have because your going crazy on him) giving him more of what he wants isn't going to make him like you more.  If anything, it's going to make you his booty call.  If you can emotionally de-attach yourself from any feeling and make it strictly about sex, then awesome!  Chances are though, you will let emotion get in the way.  Then your friends will think you're stupid and resent you because they knew you shouldn't, why didn't you?  Believe it or not, even if you aren't the brightest bulb on the string of lights, you still have half a brain to know not to get in to this situation.  Sluts like you are the reason that girls like me refuse to put out, because I'm smart enough to know if a guy actually likes me, or is just trying to screw me.  If you are that insecure to think that the only way to get a guy to like you is to put out, then obviously you need a chastity belt.  Don't blame him for leading you on, blame yourself for being an idiot not to realize what he was all about.

4.  Facebooking/Twitter

                Where I am a super huge fan of FB stalking, may I suggest you do it quietly?  Liking every single one of his posts is not going to remind him that you still exist.  Commenting on everything he has to say, while it may  be a ego boost, is almost as bad as mass texting.  Making you presence known on his profile, only allows you to be a joke to all his friends.  If you get to the point of meeting them, there's no point in impressing them, they already think your an idiot, and the probably know every little crazy thing you have done.  Where they will be nice to you in front of your face, they will secretly be laughing at you.  If you truly want to have an actual future with this guy, keep the stalking at a minimum.  The less you know, the better off you are. 

5. Naked Pictures

                Why the hell do girls do this?  Sending a guy a naked picture of yourself, isn't going to make him realize what he's missing out on, and isn't going to make him rush right over.  Literally the minute you send it to him, he's rushing to his cabinet, grabbing lotion, and then  going to wack off to your picture.  He doesn't want the real thing, because you're crazy, you're not worth the gas to drive over there, nor worth wasting a condom for.  Why would he need to leave his house when you're giving him the option to sit comfortably in his boxers in his happy place and he can finish himself off probably better than you could anyways.  Save the pictures for a boyfriend, you know that guy that actually wants to have a committed relationship with you and doesn't loathe your existence.

6. "I am pregnant/have an STD"

                This is by far my favorite.  If you get to this point with any guy, then you have hit rock bottom and need some serious time with a therapist.  Yes this general thinking is what gave Jerry Springer and Maury Povich careers, but really?  Your scaring someone to stay with you.  You are pathetic.  I want to meet the genius that invented this line, and kick her in the vagina.  A legemate scare that's one thing, that's an oh shit moment in itself.  If you are playing this card, your mom really should of thought about swallowing.  At what point will it dawn on you that he is just not that in to you and you need to move on.  Yes, it sucks when you like someone and they don't like you back, but your clinging to the hope that a relationship still exists, when in fact there is no hope for it, or you for that matter.  Girls like you turn good guys in to assholes, leaving a trail of emotionally retarded men for girls like me. 

For the sake of us normal girls left, please tone down the crazy.  Get a hold of yourselves.  I really don't want to hear anymore horror stories about you.