Someone really needs to set rules for online dating

My friends deem me as the "Queen" of online dating, because at one point, I was on over 7 different sites. Recently after 2 back to back failed attempts at finding a partner, I decided to boycott dating websites for good. If it hasn't worked for me in almost 4 years, I really don't think it's for me, and come on, there's no romance behind it. What would I tell my grandchildren? "I saw your grandpa's profile and he was so hot, I knew it was going to be love at first type."

I do have experience in this department. You could compare my online dating experience to a Golfer. When a Golfer wins a tournament, they receive a jacket, which is a symbol of accomplishment. If you compare that to my online dating experience, I have met men off of every website imaginable, qualifying me for the jacket, matching socks, pants, and hat.

In all of the ridiculous messages that I received, or profiles that I have viewed, I have decided to be proactive and set the standard for online dating. Someone needs to do it, for the sake of all single people on this earth. I will break this down in to 2 sections, 1 for men and one for women.

Men

1. Shirtless pictures
- I get the whole "MySpace made shirtless pictures socially acceptable thing" but come on. You look like arrogant douchebags. Where I applaud you for going to the gym 6 times a week and taking care of your body, we really feel as if the whole "look at me thing" just kills the illusion of me being able to wonder what is in fact underneath your shirt. Let us find out for ourselves. If you're wondering why all you are getting is cougars and crazy sluts, revisit your own personality.

2. Don't just look at a profile pic and send a message..READ THE PROFILE
-I can't even count how many first messages I got that said "Wow your hot" or "So sexy". Thank you for setting your species back in to the cave men era. "Your hot" is not a question. You obviously do not want to get to know me, you want to look at me. If a girl happens to find you attractive and you send her a message like that, she gets about as disappointed as a vibrator without its batteries.

3. Manthers (40 + hitting on -30)
-Where I understand now why younger people tend to go for older people due to maturity levels, please keep in to perspective that shriveled up old balls are not appealing. A 20 something girl is not going to be the solution to your failed marriage, and quite frankly having a daughter that is the same age as her, is not a shopping buddy, it is a Jerry Springer Show. Keep within the 5 year + - realm.

4. WORST LINE EVER -"I'm a good guy, different than most you will meet"
-No you're not. Where you may have been the nerd in high school that didn't lose his virginity till the age of 20, you are a male. You still have asshole qualities, you still take things for granted, and you probably have built up an emotional wall. You are on a dating site for a reason, whether its to find true love, prey on the lonely, or to get laid, either way, you are on a dating website where everyone thinks they are different, hence why your single. Be creative, not boring!

5. Having a Conversation With Yourself via Multiple Websites
- Most online daters are on more than 1 website. If you message a girl on 1 site and she doesn't respond, and you see her and msg her on another with no response, chances are she is not interested in you, therefore do not message her again. You will only be having a conversation with yourself. If she did not respond the first time, or the second, or the third, clearly she is not into you and you need to move on.

6. Profile Pictures - of you
- We don't care what your car looks like, if you have a dog, if you have a niece/nephew, what you looked like in HS, or who your friends are. We want to see if we're attracted to you from every angle possible. Let's face it, everyone puts their best pictures on those sites, but we don't want a situation where we text our friends on a date saying "911 he doesn't look like his picture." Keep your pictures as current as possible so we know exactly what we are getting into. Also, you will get more responses with a picture. Having a lame excuse "I can't because of my job" means either you have no self esteem whatsoever or you're in a relationship trying not to get caught. Grow a pear and post a pic! If you post a pic with your friends in it, and he's hotter than you, we will ask about him. Back to the children thing, if you have a kid I commend you for being a father and laying it out on the table, however if it's not your child in the pic...it's a cockblock.

7. "Let's Text Because Its Easier" after 2 emails
- Yes because we want you to have our phone number so if you turn in to a total psychopath we will have to change it. It's a sign of being desperate and pushy. Your already hiding behind a computer trying to talk to girls because of some bad experience you had and developed some sort of social awkwardness. Don't be that internet creeper that she tells her friends about, be that guy that "seems mysterious and unique"

Women:

1. Keep it Classy
-If you dress like a whore in your profile pics, your no different than the shirtless men. You wonder why your attracting the "wrong type of guy?" What guy doesn't like a good side boob every now and then, but you're not screaming girlfriend material, your screaming "slut". Also if you do the whole kissy face thing, chances are you're going to be taken for a head monster..

2. Stay away from Photo shopping
- Yes we all love to do it. We put our absolute best pictures whatsoever on these sites, however, being that society has deemed us as sexual objects, if you don't look good in real life, Photoshop will get you nowhere. No guy wants to walk in to a Coyote Ugly situation with no way out. Be natural, take normal pictures in real life settings, not "modeling" pictures.

3. Cougars (40 + hitting on -30)
-Where I applaud you for not losing your good looks and outlook on life, you do have an advantage right now over us 20 something's. The thrill of a cougar seems to be the newest fashion accessory for a lot of guys. This makes you no better than a guy. Stay away from our men, they have a hard enough finding love as it is. Find someone your own age, that already has a dual burial plot purchased. Keep in the 5 year + - realm.

4. Don't Talk Sex
- Yeah, everyone does it. Just saying the word penis makes me giggle even to this day. But the minute you start having sexual conversations with a guy, he's automatically thinking he's going to get a piece. If you're looking for that, then hey go for it, but if you're a respectable girl looking for that diamond in the rough "special" guy, save your inner pervert for the bedroom, not for a guy that you barely know. Sex does sell, but not a relationship, at best you will get a fuck buddy with a side of a potential STD.

5. Profile Pictures
-Same rant as the guys. Make them as up-to-date as possible. And no friends in the pictures, unless it's with your DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend), then yeah that is totally acceptable. Whatever helps you sleep at night.

6. Be Smart not Desperate
- I can't begin to hear how many horror stories I have heard from girls about guys they met that turned out to be total creepers. Same goes for men with the crazies. All because a semi cute guy who seems "perfect on profile" doesn't mean he is the one. Don't pre order wedding invites, imagine what your  kids will look like, or be a stage 5 clinger. If you have done any of these in the past...it could be a reason as to why you are single to begin with.

7. "I'm not like most girls"
- You are emotional, bi polar at times, and have mood swings. Don't kid yourself. You are special to your parents and friends, that's about it. You will still get pissed if he dicks you over for his friends, will accuse him of cheating, and eventually will emotionally self destruct. Sell yourself on your personality, at least you have that going for you, unless you have a shitty personality, then I would consider investing in a cat. Own this reality and run with it, because if you think your any different, you need to be knocked down a peg or two or you wouldn't resort to online dating.

-Keeping it real :)