Where dating can be fun, it can also be exhausting. I remember at one point, I was going on like 3 dates a week from online websites. Even though I was becoming a serial dater, it was usually one date and that was it, due to lack of interest, attraction or normalcy. Most of the time, looking back, I would of much rather sat at home with my vibrator, than actually taking the time to go out in public with these people. These are some of my stories, where they may not be outrageous, they are definitely noteworthy.
The Meat Head:
I actually met this one in real life first, only to find out that he had sent me a few messages on a dating website, in which i just never responded. The usual story for me, was at after hours, about a level 8 of drunkenness, our conversation went "Hi, how are you" followed by making out. So knowing next to nothing about him, I decided to go out with him. I wasn't thrilled to go out only because it was on my TV night, and most people that know me, know not to bother me, but I said what the hell.
So I meet him at a restaurant/bar, and he's not bad looking. I did an ok job with drunken super powers. We start chatting a bit, the whole getting to know you bs which was looking promising..until he takes a look at the menu and starts complaining about all the fried food that is on the menu. At this point, I knew this date was going nowhere, and decided to turn it in to my own personal form of entertainment. Turns out I got to hear about his daily food intake regiment so that he could stay " in shape", and fried foods were not something he could allow. After learning this valuable piece of information, I decided to order the most greasiest thing on the menu, followed by an ice cold draft beer. Once I did this it was game on. I had to listen to him ramble on and on about how terrible fried food was and now I need to start thinking about nutrition and if I don't want to get fat I need to start eating healthier. As I was biting in to my greasy, juicy cheeseburger, I decided I needed to find something near and dear to his heart to pick a fight about, so that I can be home in time to watch my shows. I then found out that college football is his kryptonite, and decided to voice my fake opinion that it has no heart anymore and that people only play for the perks (it was his ticket to a free ride in college). Needless to say I was home in time to watch CSI, and there was no second date.
The Ex:
So after purposely avoiding my ex for almost 2 years post break up, we run in to each other at a wedding. I knew he was going to be there, so I made sure like any girl, I looked fantastic. Part of me was interested to see if anything had changed with him, where part of me just wanted him to eat his heart out. After engaging in some "catching up" conversation, he asks if I want to grab a drink post wedding. I say no. 2 hours later a text...from him...in which he had remembered my number..So I bite, I started thinking, ok we were together for a while, maybe we can be friends and only friends. He asks me if I want to grab a few drinks, and I finally cave in. Why the hell not, my strategy? He never paid for anything when we were together, why not rack up a nice hefty tab on his behalf for a change? So we go out, and actually have a fun time. 2 days later, a text asking if I want to hang out. Ok why not? So he grabs a movie, and we sit at opposite ends of the couch and commentate like we always used to do. Apparently it got a little too nostalgic for him, because then the sexual innuendos began. Trying "one more time for old time sake" and "remember when we used to do this." After just laughing it off the first couple of times, i finally started to get annoyed. He remembered me as being a weak minded girl with low self esteem that would never stand up for myself, not knowing the force that I have become. So after about the 4th sexual comment, I had finally had enough. I looked him dead in the eye and said "If I wanted something small and unsatisfying, I would go to McDonalds and order a salad." He thought I was joking...so keeps trying...my next response? "I can do way more productive things than you ever could in 2 min" and proceeded to spat off a random list including: microwave a hot pocket, paint my finger nails etc. Needless to say, I think he got the hint, and we haven't spoken since.
The Stage 5 Clinger
On paper perfect: great job, great family, car, house, and knew what he wanted from a potential relationship. Our first date was perfect, he brought me a present (not traditional flowers), took me to an ethnic restaurant, and we barley drank any alcohol. What threw a wrench in it for me started at dinner...When he started talking about our 3rd date, when we had only been on our first. I tried to let it go, but the conversation was so intense, I felt as if I would of made a smart ass comment he may have cried. So after this, I leave for a business trip for a week. We stay in communication and what not, and I'm gone 1 day and he's offering to pick me up at the airport, telling me how much he misses me, and the ultimate vagina repellent comment after 1 date: I've never felt this way about anyone before. Freaked out, and feeling fortunate that I am out of state, I try to tone it down a bit and he starts getting discouraged. He then proceeds to tell me that when he is with someone, he has to see them every day, even if it's only for 20 min, but every day. Shelby doesn't handle this very well. I am a huge fan of 3 times, "me" time, "us" time, and "friend" time. Some days, I don't want to be around anyone for 20 min, let alone a significant other. I had to let this one go, but how? No matter what I said to him, he was like a puppy, just wagging his tail waiting for affection. Finally, my smartass side got the best of me. I proceeded to tell him: "I have a life, unless you want me to quit my job, never see my friends or family again, and reimburse me for all of my bridesmaid dresses and destination wedding costs, this conversation/us hanging out, goes no further." I hope he found the orphaned girl with no friends he was looking for!
Forrest Gump
This insanely hot Kindergarten teacher messages me online. We chat, seems normal so we decide to meet up. We meet at my favorite pizza place, and head back to my place to play board games. I thought it was really cute that he offered to bring a board game, not thinking the events to come. So we are eating pizza, drinking wine and playing Life. He's not very talkative, which lead me to believe that he was nervous. Apparently unbeknownst to me, we were playing a sudden death version of "life", where with every bad spin of the wheel results in him getting angrier and angrier. As we were wrapping up this game, with me clearly in the lead, he proceeds to inform me of his competitiveness, and how angry he is at himself that he lost...a game of chance... Then he proceeds to go in to a 5 minute explanation about how the game of life reflects real life, which at that point I zoned out and all I could visualize was Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump. His demeanor, words and mannerisms had me holding back my tears of laughter. Finally when he was done with his rant, I looked at him and said "Well, in case you didn't know, the game of life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get."
Saving the best for last:
This date is not one that I actually went on, it's one that I set up for a friend of mine. This is why I am not a fan of matchmaking and my friends actually boycott me even mention them getting set up.
I had been chatting to this guy online for a while, but he really wasn't my type, it was more of an online friendship. He was always bitching about meeting crazy girls. My friend at the time was going through a rough patch so I thought it would be a good idea to set the two of them up.
So being that I had never actually met him, they decide to meet in a Walmart Parking Lot. Nice, public and well lit. So he pulls up, gets in the car and realizes two things. 1. He isn't as cute as his picture (actually missing a tooth or two from what I can recall), and 2. there is a can of beer in the consol. This is off to a pleasant start. They proceed to drive down the road to a local bar where they can "talk." So as they are in the car, and he is drinking his beer while driving, he proceeds to mention that he has a suspended license. They are almost to the bar, when he says "watch this" and floors the gas to go over this bump in the road...did i mention his license was suspended? So they get to the bar, and have a drink. He runs out of cigarettes, so decides to leave my friend, at the bar alone, while he runs to the store to restock. The entire time I am getting a blow by blow, and sicker and sicker to my stomach. This douchebag is ruining my credibility. So he comes back, 20 minutes later, and my friend is really trying to make the best of the situation. This is the part where it gets fuzzy for me, I don't remember if anything epic happened at the bar, but we'll just skip to the end of the night. He drops her off and goes in for the kill. Out of nowhere with Cigarette/beer breath, he proceeds to jam his tongue down her throat. Trying to be polite she runs with it, meanwhile is gagging the entire time because she has now perceived him as a dirty redneck. She refrains from puking, giving him that courtesy at least, and gets in her car. We have not spoken of this night until now..In my own personal opinion, I feel this story trumps any of mine, but since I was the one that set it up, it indirectly counts.
Keeping it real -
Shelby
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.