DateHookup nonsense

Yet another dating app I stumbled across during my online dating days was a website called Datehookup.com

It is another dating website, that connects you with people from all over (apparently), and allows you to message people privately and instantly.  I literally have been on since 11:00 am today (12/28/2011) and in less than 5 hours have received enough idiot messages to blog about. 

Note:  This blog is a bit more explicit than usual, so if you don't enjoy swearing and obscene words, please visit: www.sesamestreet.com

38/M/Staten Island, NY

Message #1

Subject: hello pretty how you doing today

Message #2

Subject: how you doing today pretty

i like your profile you look so good

Message #3

Subject: you cant say hi hunnie lol

Message #4

Subject: lets get married lol

i was playing pretty how you doing today

Dear Stalker:

                Do you honestly think that by messaging me 4 times in less than 2 hours is going to make me respond quicker?  I love the fact that the internet can allow you to stalk girls, not only probably in your own town, but hundreds of miles away.  I would find it extremely entertaining to see how many restraining orders you have.  I truly feel sorry for the girls in Staten Island, knowing that you have access to internet.  You are 38 years old, and apparently have no job and or life.  I highly doubt you were joking about the marriage comment.  Considering how desperate you are to talk to a girl that lives in another state, I can only imagine that you are probably the type that preys on belligerently  drunk girls at after hours clubs.  You make me want to smack you in the face with my vibrator .  Considering the only adjective you apparently know is "pretty",  either you are the love child of the Wicked Witch of the West and one of her pet monkeys, or you repeated 3rd grade English 4 times.   I'm glad you can at least laugh at the ridiculous things that come out of your mouth, you probably have received the same laughter from women when you take your pants off.

31/M/Pittsburgh, PA

Subject: Hello there

I really like your profile, can't say I agree with the FWB thing, but your wit & humor are fun. I am only looking for a fwb, which has nothing to do with being retarded, why does there have to be emotion involved with good conversation, hanging out, occassional no strings attached sex, and quality support when both parties agree? Anyways, it was a nice, fun read, so I had to message you

Dear Fucktard:

I would love to give you some quality support. Here it is...The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.   Of course you are not retarded,  I didn't mean to offend you.  The politically correct term is "emotionally challenged."  You are this because you are 31 years old and clearly seem to think your lists of requests do not reflect the dynamics of a relationship.  Other than the relationship you share with your cat and mom, I can only imagine the long list of epic failures you have had in the love department.  You probably lost your virginity at the age of 30 to a hooker, so that's why you are used to leaving money on the night stand after sex, and then ponder why the girl doesn't call the next day.  If I wanted emotionless conversation, I would rather talk to my lamp.  When you refer to "No Strings Attached Sex" two things come to mind:  you either are clearly telling me you are not Pinocchio and are assuring me that you are in fact a real boy, or you are pretending to be the 6th member of NYSNC.    If I wanted "quality support", I would purchase a bra made out of steel.  I'm sorry am I being too emotional for you?  You officially lit the string on my tampon and set me off, idiot.

30/M/Beaver County, PA (of all places)

Message #1

Subject: hey

Where did you go to college?

Message #2

Subject: hi again

I want partner in crime. Just a homegirl who makes me smile all The time. What kind of guy u like? Im meek but cool as The other side of The pillow. I suck at messages i know that tho

Message #3

Subject: i know

I know i might be a Lil relentless, but ur really cute. Seems like you got your shit together. I dont get out much. Im gonna delete my account later this aint my thing either. Let me know....

Message #4

Subject: sorry

Didnt mean to hit The friend button. So no chance?

Dear Donnie Desperate:

                First and foremost, there is  a reason why we have grown up in the same county and never met.  It is because fate has been fortunate enough to not let our paths cross.  It is clear that you fall in to the socially awkward category, however being socially awkward via internet, well that is just a brand new mind fuck.  You say you are looking for a "home girl" eh?  Well if you're interested me and my homies are gonna knock off a liquor store fo' some 40's and then head to my pimps crib.   WTF.    "I'm meek, but as cool as the other side of a pillow."  Wow that's smooth.  You should be butter, because you're on a fucking roll.  Your about as cool as a fanny pack.  If  you clearly know that you suck at communicating with women,  just stop trying.  4 messages and no reply is not being relentless, its being annoying and clingy.   You clearly do not get out much if you get more pathetic in each message.  Clearly a lot of things involving the opposite sex "ain't your thing".  I have a feeling, the only place you are going to meet your next girlfriend is at the annual Furry convention or a school for the deaf.  Either way, you don't have to speak a word. 

26/M/Washington, PA

Message #1

Subject: hi this might sound a lil odd but

i lost a bet to a female friend and she qwants to have another woman come over and order me to strip for u 2 and give u ladies naked foot rubs. theres no expectations after that unless u ant something else. it could be a 1 timme thing an ongoing thing or maybe we could become friends who knows. well let me know either way all the best.

Message #2

Subject: just wondering

just wondering if u were interested or not all the best.

Dear Dirk Diggler:

                No that doesn't sound odd at all! I get asked to attend things like this all the time.  How did you know that I was deprived of strippers and foot rubs on my birthday this year?!  Really?  First off, who is this girl that you are hanging out with, because she sounds like a freaking genius.  I would love to know what the actual bet was being this was your outcome.  Secondly, I'm glad you have no expectations unless I want something else.  Nothing says love at first sight like amateur strip tease with a happy ending in the form of a foot rub.  I'm sure our grandchildren would find it just as romantic as I do. You are pretty considerate, being that you wrote me a follow up email  and wished me all the best.  It's bad enough you have to humiliate yourself losing this bet, but doing it online asking random strangers?  You deserve a bedazzled thong.  I have enough male friends, I'm not looking to recruit anymore. I think it's about time you posted an ad on Craigslist, because that is the place to find participants in your ridiculous situation.   I really hope you slip on the bottle of lotion and knock yourself out on your makeshift stripper pole, jackass.

26/M/Pittsburgh and Brooklyn

Subject: hey mami

i moved out here from brooklyn..i so gotta bust inside tht pussi n get it pregnant! love tht thickness..get at me at 347-XXX-XXXX.. if ur tht real ass mami thts rare to find..especialli if thts Reaally ur pics n if ur into puertorican nigguhs! dnt hesitate!

Dear Shitbrick:

                Please for the sake of all Pittsburgh females, do us a favor and move back to Brooklyn.  Or better yet, move out of the USA.  I have had enough pregnancy scares in my life to know the logistics of how babies are made, I really didn't need the birds and bees talk from a guy that doesn't know how to even spell the word "pussy" correctly.  You make my vagina sound like a stripper's name.  Judging by your improper grammar and spelling of almost everything, you probably aren't smart enough to know what hole to stick it in. I bet you are that desperate, if I pulled a switcharoo with a loaf of bread, you wouldn't know the difference.   The thought of  you reproducing makes me want to instantly warn every girl with in a 300 mile radius to wrap themselves in full body condoms and always swallow.  I bet your mom wishes she would of swallowed too.  I'm sure your dad blames himself for allowing the most retarded sperm to win the swim meet.  I'm only doing this for the sake of our unborn children.  I do not want my children to have the DNA of one of the biggest tool bags I have never met. I will do you and the rest of the world a favor and give you an instant vasectomy if our paths ever cross.   I don't know about Brooklyn girls, but welcome to Pittsburgh buddy.  If you wonder why you are getting blocked and/or not getting many responses, it could be because your approach is instant "pussi" repellant. 

Keeping it real -

Shelby

Ok Cupid – Enough is enough

          Another website that I stumbled upon in my early stages of being single was called OK Cupid.  Being that this website is pretty much a poor man’s version of Match.com, it is in fact free and actually makes you answer questions to better help find people that are compatible with you.  I have always been against websites telling me who I am compatible with. I mean all because you answer a question or 2 about yourself, doesn’t mean you are someone’s soul mate, however this website seems to think so.

So with the same profile as the others, I decided to rejoin OKC to see what was new on that site.  Apparently nothing has changed…

48% Match  44% Friend  68% Enemy

30 / M / Straight / Single

after a rigorously brief overview of your profile I wanted to let you know I have already married and divorced you in my mind.
Thanks for all the wonderful imaginary memories... you will always have a special place in my heart.

your ex-hubby,

Tony

ps. I am going to need half your money according to our prenup  and You can keep the dog and I will keep the house in Hawaii

Obviously I'm joking...I'm single, educated, 6'1". Work hard to play hard. If you are interested in perhaps chatting, let me know. I hope to hear from you soon and thanks for your time.

Dear Tony –

          I’m sorry that you feel that our bond is not strong enough to withstand the test of time, and that you have already set our imaginary relationship up for failure before it’s begun.  Love is a funny thing.  It’s even funnier to think that this is in fact probably the 8^th time you have sent me this same exact email, not only on OK Cupid, but on other websites as well.  I think it’s about time you change your approach.  I enjoy a good laugh; however your email was not humorous at all, it was actually pretty weird.  The only way marriage is possible for us is if I was roofied, put on a plane, and we were married in a Las Vegas Chapel.  I could dispute the pre-nup based on the fact you drugged me, but I would gladly just give you the house in Hawaii if it meant you being as far away from me as possible. 

75% Match  70% Friend  14% Enemy

28 / M / Straight / Single

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Your very beautiful.
My name is MATT.
I work as a mail carrier. The pay is high so i always have money to take you out.
Im very out going, affectionate an mature.

I'll take you out to like go karts,golf range,ice skating,skiing,amusement parks,dave&busters,haunted house...ect...

Where do you like to go for fun?

Dear MATT –

          Thank you for the compliments, however I am going to have to pass.  I don’t understand your need to scream your name at me, when I plan on forgetting it in 10 minutes.  I’m sorry to tell you, but money doesn’t impress me.  I appreciate the fact that you do have a job, and you are a useful member of society, but making sure it’s known that you are a high paid mail carrier doesn’t mean jack shit to me.  I also love how you mention that you are mature, yet pretty much every date that you list reminds me of being in 10^th grade again.  You would probably consider accidently touching my leg 3^rd base.  I’m actually quite shocked that Chuckie Cheese is not listed as one of the fantastic date options.  Since I am recently divorced according to the email above and have acquired a dog, I hope you do not end up being the mail carrier in my neighborhood.  I have full intentions of training my imaginary dog to sniff out pompous assholes and attack on site. 

73% Match  79% Friend  11% Enemy

31 / M / Straight / Single

I think you are mesmerizingly beautiful, your innocent eyes, your wavy cool hair and that million doller smile is infact the best I have ever seen my entire life. when did you come from heaven

max

Dear Max –

          Wow really laying it on think aren’t ya?  I appreciate your psychoanalysis of me based on the limited profile pictures that you have seen, however your assessment of me is very incorrect.  If I were in fact mesmerizingly beautiful, people would build statues and worship me.  They would shower me with gifts like AA batteries and Cherry Vodka, unfortunately though I have yet to receive any endorsement deals from Duracell or Three Olives.  “Innocent eyes”, this really made me laugh out loud.  My eyes are about as innocent as Casey Anthony.  These eyes have seen things that would turn a Smurf red.  A million dollar smile and wavy cool hair?  It’s called having an excellent dentist and hair stylist.  I can give you their numbers if you want, since you apparently have a massive boner about it.  I am most certainly not from Heaven.  I am from a version of Hell called Beaver County, you may have heard of it...Its famous for just about nothing...

78% Match  83% Friend  15% Enemy

24 / M / Straight / Single

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Why are you such a b itch and you're not even a 6/10?

Dear Asshole –

          I think it’s great that you obviously haven’t had much luck on this site, so you decide to message girls that are entirely out of your league and try to bring them down to your miserable level.  Do I remind you of your ex-girlfriend?  I bet that’s what it is.  You know the one that you gave the b-itch to?  You are lucky that I respect your privacy enough not to show your profile pic, considering you fall in to the “shirtless” profile pic category.   Your profile states that you enjoy making people laugh. Well I find it humorous that you clearly can’t spell the word bitch or do math to figure out that I am 5 years older than you and wouldn't be interested, you can count to 10 which is promising for your future.   I can only imagine what one of your jokes starts off with something like: “Did you hear the one about the dead puppy.”  Clearly if you take that much offense to my “do not message me if” list, you are guilty of doing one (if not all) of my “Seven Deadly Internet Sins.”  Even the loneliest of cougars would probably find you boring.  You’ll have better luck on Craigslist, I promise J

84% Match  70% Friend  13% Enemy

38 / M / Straight / Single

Melegnano, Italy

you are nicest reason for visit USA, your smile should be an Unesco World Heritage!!!!!

Dear Italy’s Finest,

          I find it odd that you think I’m the nicest reason for a visit to the USA.  Where I do envision myself settling down one day, your green card marriage scam will not work on me!  I had no clue what an “Unesco World Heritage” is so I had to look it up.  A UNESCO World Heritage Site is a place (such as a forest, mountain, lake, desert, monument, building, complex, or city) that is listed by the UNESCO as of special cultural or physical significance.  I may not be an interpreter, but the language of bullshit is universal. I find being compared to any type of landscape offensive.  What if you were to catch me on an unshaven day?  Would you compare my unplanned bush to a Van Gogh painting?  I mean you seem to find the beauty in everything, god forbid I forget to flush the toilet one day...

38% Match  39% Friend  34% Enemy

29 / M / Straight / Single  

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Message #1

Hey how are you?

I'm a 29 yr old, fun, intelligent well built 6'0, 205#/(former college football player) with brown hair and blue eyes. I think we could have a lot of fun

My AIM, xxxx and Yahoo name is xxxxxx so IM me if you IM. What is yours?

I'm looking for a something casual. What about you?

write me back. Lets get to know each other and see how things go. I think we could have a lot of fun together.

I know I've been pretty forward, but I'm an outgoing, confident guy and when I see something I like, I go after it :)

I'm in grad school now as well in addition to working.

Mike

Message #2

Saw you checked out my profile. What did you think? I think we'd have lots of fun together!

Do you chat on aim, yahoo or gchat? My name on all 3 is xxxxxxx.

I do have some face pics I can send. What's your email and I'll send them.

Write me back!

Dear Mike:

          Seriously?  Again, this is not the first message that I have received from you in the past.  In fact, you probably don't remember me chewing you out the last time you messaged me this non sense.  I was the one that told you to grow up, and go on adult friend finder, and not a dating website. You want to know what I think? You are the king of douchebags. Are you related to any member of the Jersey Shore cast, because I feel that you could be "The Situation's" long lost brother.  You clearly did not read my profile at all, you looked at my pictures, found me attractive and decided that we would have "a lot of fun" together?  I'm glad that you are clinging your youth by being a 29 year old with the mentality of a 19 year old college frat boy, in addition to the fact that you use 3 chat services?  Are we 16 again?  Clearly you think you are.  Aol was cool when I was like 14.  If I was looking for something causal, I would rather invest in a nice pair of sweat pants, than even consider giving you a chance.  You qualify my badge of approval to post in the "missed connections" section of Craigslist, you freaking tool.

Keeping it real -

Shelby

Skouting for winners

                In my journey to find a significant other via the internet, I discovered many different websites that have all different types of men.  When straight websites were not enough and I became an adult and bought a smart phone, I discovered that there were actually dating apps specifically geared towards singles based on distance.  Most of them were just a live chat service, but they allowed you to connect with people that were potentially close to you, without showing your actual location.  For my readers entertainment, I decided to rejoin one of these sites, that my friend Jamie introduced me to back in the day.

The app is called Skout.   Where 80% of the Smartphone generation has probably never heard of it,  the app description claims that it has been featured on ABC News, CNN, Fox News & the NY Times.  The app is basically a simple chat line, that you can search for people by age and distance.  Even though it is designed for local people to meet, in my case at least, it doesn't stop people from all over the world messaging me. 

 I will now share some of the messages that I have received for your viewing pleasure:

33/M

Dear Interested

What's good? I'll tell you what's good! Tacos....Taco's are good. So are those cookies with the Hershey kisses in them, the smell of gasoline, a fresh pack of double AA batteries, the first cut in to a fresh piece of construction paper and extreme couponing. I mean you opened up your conversation with that question, so I was only trying to be polite and answer the question honestly. Well while I'm at it, let's talk about things I don't like: vegetables, double AA batteries that run out of juice, paper cuts, and those annoying people that hold up the lines in stores because they didn't receive .50 cents off their value pack of cigarettes while using their access card to pay for them. I feel as if I have said enough about myself though, you tell me what's good? *facepalm*

24/M

Dear Talking To Yourself-

                18 hours ago when you messaged me, I was in fact sleeping.  16 hours ago when you messaged me I was sleeping. Now  3 hours ago when you messaged me, I was clearly ignoring you.   If you are curious as to why I have not responded to the 6 messages that you have sent to me in an 18 hour period, let me clarify a couple things for you.  1.  It appears to me that you are quite content having a conversation with yourself,  so really what's the point of me interrupting that?  2. You sent me 2 messages at 2 am, followed by a message calling me mean because I didn't respond, only to try again a few hours later.  This leads me to believe that you may be suffering from a condition called "being bi polar."  I think it's great that you can laugh at yourself upon the 6th message, because that really shows both sides to your mental state.  I can envision our first date.  It starts with dinner, a glass of wine, and non conventional conversation followed by you flipping out on the waitress and leaving the restaurant in a straight jacket. 

23/M

Dear Slick

               

I'm sorry to hear that my phone number was not pre-loaded in to your super fancy phone. Is it an Iphone? Because if it is, apparently you were able to download the "world's worst pickup lines" app. Where this may work for you in a real life setting; at about 2 am; when a girl is super wasted and thinks everyone is hot; this doesn't work on the sober. This line actually makes me want to play vodka pong; by myself; at 8 am. I do understand where your coming from though, I mean your 23. You probably are still preying on drunk co-eds with self esteem issues. Ok, you win...I just find you so irresistible that I feel obligated to give you, a total stranger my phone number. Here it is.. 412-567-2767, but please don't text me, feel free to call...I really would really like to hear your voice.

*note: feel free to call the number listed...It may come in handy one day :)

34/M

Dear Santa's Little Helper

                I think I understand why your "skouting" for women.  You are 34 years old and still believe in Santa Claus.  I would not be surprised if you awake to a plate of half eaten cookies and carrots every Christmas morning, still believing that Santa was there, when in fact it was probably your mom that snuck in to your bedroom during the night.  I will give you credit on trying to be festive and recycling a corny pick up line that I heard when I was 18, but I understand.  It's not your fault that your mom decided on your 34th birthday to finally lift all internet restrictions, allowing you to discover websites that teach you how to approach women.  Never in my life have I ever been more thankful for the creators of internet porn, lotion and kleenex because without them, you would have an actual reason to leave your basement.

19/M

Dear Little G

                I don't know what is more disturbing.  The fact that you are 19 years old messaging me, or the fact that you are 19 and proud of the fact that you have a "grill" that looks like it's made out of tinfoil.  Unless you are the illigimate son of Lil Wayne, please reconsider the path that you are choosing.  I really can't tell you "wasupp wit it ma" because if I were living in Cali where you are from, chances are there is a possibility I would be old enough to be your mother.  I'm not exactly sure what the "it" is that you are referring to that is up?  I don't have a penis, so it's not that?  I don't think you are talking about my stock market investments, because those certainly aren't up.  Until you can clarify to me what exactly "it" is that you are referring to,  maybe you should take lessons from your father on "How to Love"....err never mind...maybe Ray Charles is a better role model, that way you won't blind him with the "bling in your grill."

 34/M

                                          

                                             Dear Huggy Bear

I love how comfortable you feel asking a total stranger for a hug. I'm sorry that you are having a bad day, however, i'm sure one of your World of Warcraft buddies can give you a virtual hug or something. Or maybe going to a whore for one? I mean it's about as satisfying as going to McDonald's and ordering a salad, but at least with a whore it's a sure thing; well once you negotiate pricing and other mindless details. I just don't see any normal girl jumping at the opportunity to meet a total stranger in a neutral location just to give him a hug. Oh wait I did see that before...On the ID Channels "Stolen Voices, Buried Secrets." I feel you would get a better response posting in the Craigllist "fettish" section, rather than a dating application...just sayin

 29/M

                                                  Dear Papi            

                Ok seriously...Do I look like I'm a mother?  Do you see pictures of children in my profile? NO. I don't have a maternal instinct in my body other than to want to wash your mouth out with soap for coming at me with this.  At what point did it become socially acceptable to approach women by calling them MA?  You want to know what I'm up to this evening?  I'm religiously taking my birth control, having a few beers and enjoying a night to myself filled with stomach humping porn and a fresh crisp double AA battery.  You know why?  Because I do not have any children to interrupt me while I engage in "me" time.  When I'm ready to be called "ma", I will never let you know, however, until then you can call me "Buzz Killer"

-Keepin it real

Shelby

Annoying Things People Do On Facebook - A response to another blog

Annoying Things People Do On Facebook - A response to another blog

Two days ago, I noticed a link that several people posted in regards to a blog entitled “15 things white girls love to do on Facebook (  Click Here to Read This Blog ) I decided to check it out to get an understanding to see the things that I “apparently love to do” since I fall in to the demographic.  Overall the blog was clever, but I really had to disagree with a lot of the points that were made.   I feel that I do way more annoying things than what the blog had listed. 

Here is a list of things I compiled with the help of some friends, that I think put things in to perspective a little better for both men and women:

7 annoying things that women love to do on FB

1.    The ducky/kissy face/scissor gang mafia pose.

You can’t deny it ladies, at one point; we have all taken pictures of this, and it’s sad but true.   For me, it’s typically when I’m drunk.   Rather than looking cute, I appear as if I am a wannabe thug with down-syndrome.  Most of the girls that think this is cute are not of legal drinking age, which is still no excuse.  Your faces look like you just smelled a fart.   I would love to hunt down the duck faced hippy bitch that convinced women this was ok, and hook her up with the guy that made shirtless mirror pictures acceptable. Together, these two could give Heidi and Spencer Pratt a run for their money on all levels of worlds lamest couple. 

2.      Threaten someone who pissed them off via status message.

Ok great you got beef with someone.  Thanks for letting the whole world know.  Chances are this person isn’t even your Facebook friend, meaning they aren’t going to see any snide indirect remarks that you are making about them.  In order to make this socially acceptable, I would much rather see you call them out to some sort of death match and create a Facebook event for me to attend.  Watching something unfold in real life is more exciting than watching you try to bust a caps lock on someone’s ass via Facebook.

3.      Have entire conversations with their immediate friends via fb wall. 

I remember the days before Facebook where if people had a question, they would just pick up the phone.  Now a days, rather than doing that, we find pleasure in the laziness of posting a question to someone’s wall for all to see, which typically comes from our Facebook phone app anyways.   I don’t know about you but posting “Hey, how did your gynecologist appointment go, everything negative?”  on my friends wall sounds so much better on a Facebook wall, than in private. 

Song Lyrics that end with a heart character <3

I am a musician; therefore I have a professional respect for good song lyrics.  I don’t understand why women need to reinforce gushy lyrics with a heart at the end.  It’s annoying.  Do you think that by putting a heart at the end of love song lyrics, I'm not smart enough to know your happy about something?  It's Facebook, not an episode of Glee.  Every time I see your little hearts, a love song by Papa Roach comes to mind: "Cut my life in to pieces, this is my last resort <3"

Comment Whores

I love seeing a random girl’s picture pop up on my wall where 100 of my male friends are tagged in it.  Seriously?  Are you that much of an attention whore that you feel the need to tag random strangers to comment on your pic?  Unless you are trying to find participants in your "Facebook 2012 Gang Bang," I suggest you stop trolling for compliments, put some clothes on, stop being a attention whore and join an online dating website. 

Boyfriend/Husband Envy

I’m happy that you’re happy. However, is it really necessary  to constantly express your love for him on your status messages?  I’m not saying this because I’m single and bitter that you’re happy, I’m saying this because every time I log in, I could give a shit less reading about how he brought you flowers, breakfast in bed or actually accomplished taking out the trash without you asking.   I'm sure before you met him, you were actually interesting to talk to because you had a life of your own.  Now with your new found penis envy, your life is about as exciting as a blind man at a strip club. 

Uploading Pictures/Checking in places

If you were reality TV show worthy, MTV would have contacted you.  Obviously since I do not see a TV show about your life on any cable channels, there is no need to constantly upload pictures of your entire life as it is happening while informing people where you are all the time. Clearly if you have the time to update me as to every little thing you are doing, you don't have much excitement in your life.  Facebook is for friends, they are not your fans.  Stop thinking that you the next  Kim Kardashian of Facebook.  If you have all this free time to constantly be active on Facebook, maybe you do something with your life, like getting a legitimate job and become a useful member of society. 

7 annoying things that men do on Facebook

1.  Sports envy

Any female knows that you cannot condone a man for his love of sports.  Unless you intend on turning a gay man straight, it is something that comes with the territory.   Nothing is more annoying than logging on to FB to find your wall flooded with game updates.  Chances are, I'm already watching, I do not need 200 status updates telling me what the score is.  I don't understand the need to express "WOW DID YOU SEE THAT HIT?" Yes I saw it Captain Obvious, I'm watching the same damn thing you are.  If only men could channel that excitement in to more productive things like "I JUST MADE A SANDWICH ALL BY MYSELF." Not only would that be more exciting, it may actually earn yourself a blow job from the girlfriend/wife that you neglect during game time.

2.  Using Facebook as a dating service

All because  we have mutual friends, doesn't mean we should date.  Girls appreciate the idea that you think we are pretty and want to get to know us, but nothing is more creepier than getting a random add from a total stranger who then proceeds to ask you out.  If you are that interested in finding a date, go to an actual dating website.  If you're really interested someone via Facebook, ask our mutual friend to talk to us first.  Scoping FB for women about as sad as  discovering you have 1 daily video left on youporn.

3.  No pictures of yourself at all

How can I tell if I went I know you if the only pictures you have on your profile are of your car, dog, house and favorite sports teams?  This is annoying for several reasons.  You are capable of uploading pictures obviously, however, why feel the need to hide?  Did you gain 100 lbs?  Are you now bald?  We don't care if you drive a Lexus, live in a mansion or love the Steelers.  We want to know if you are who we think you are, because right now all you are is some pompous asshole with a identity complex.  Unless you are Batman by night, that may be why no one is responding to your friend requests.

4.  Girlfriend/Wife Envy

It's definitely cute when a guy can express his feelings toward his partner, however when it's on a daily basis, it becomes less manlier and more gay.  Obviously if you feel the need to tell the world how great and wonderful she is, your happy and that's fine.  It's not fine when you turn in to a babbling idiot who feels the need express your love to her daily, on Facebook - for all of your friends to see.  There is already 1 vagina in the relationship, if you keep sharing your feelings with the world you may in fact grow a vagina of your own. FYI - all of your single friends already probably think you've already turned in to one.

5. Shirtless Mirror Pics

This is the equivalent to the kissy/ducky faces that girls do.  Where I appreciate a nicely toned male body, nothing is more douchier than seeing a half naked man taking a picture in front of a mirror.  This is Facebook, not Myspace.   If you're at the beach or pool, or even doing something productive like working outside that's one thing, but to stage a photo shoot of yourself in your bathroom mirror, your just confirming what the rest of your friends were thinking - you are an absolute tool and probably one of those guys that make fun of the girls that make the kissy faces.  I hate to tell you, but maybe rather than taking a picture of yourself in the mirror, maybe you should just look at yourself, and see what a jackass you've become.

6.  Making a statement and responding with a negative comment

No one likes a Debbie Downer.  If you are going to bitch and moan about being single/lonely/wishing you had someone/having a bad day, don't respond with a prickish comment.  Its "mooch" repellant.  Nothing is more annoying than trying to help a guy cheer up, only for them to bring you down because they are miserable.  It's not the person respondings fault that you are a miserable, lonely son of a bitch in a foul mood.  Maybe you should revisit your outlook on life, grab a glass of wine and call an escort.

7.  Tagging Yourself In places

Again another annoying thing that guys do, however there is a flip side to it.  If I am avoiding you, and know where you are going to be, I now know where not to go.  I don't care if you are the mayor of Erotica or the President of Mt. Washington.  If I wanted to know where you were going to be, I would of politely asked.  I don't want to hear you complain when that crazy ex girlfriend starts showing up places that you are at causing trouble.  You did it to yourself by telling the world where you are.  Until I know that you are as far away from me as possible...I'm content.

Keepin' it Real

Special thanks to Katie, 2 random girls, and Paul for the input!

Shelby