Some drunk bitch
I remember this one like it was yesterday, only because I am reminded of it all the time. Back before there were weddings, babies, and relationships, there were 6 girls that used to go out religiously on Friday Nights to the South Side. Jimmy D's used to be our hotspot in our mid 20's. One night, and apparently too many drinks, I found myself in the bathroom throwing up. Apparently, my stomach was not as strong back then. On a drunk scale of 1 - 10, I was at about a strong 7. After pulling myself together, or so I thought, I headed back upstairs to rejoin my friends. Along the way, I noticed people staring at me. I thought maybe it was because of drunken paranoia or something, so I just kept on going searching for my friends. When I rejoined my friends, they were in total disgust. Apparently, drunk me was incapable of wiping all of the vomit from my face/hair, and I was walking around with it all over me.
Trying to maintain my composure and not look like an asshole, I told my friends that "some drunk bitch threw up all over me in the bathroom." My friends know me well, and knew that I was totally bullshitting them, but proceeded to play along. About 30 minutes later, my drunken Shelby senses spotted a hottie by the bar. With all the liquid courage I needed, I walked over to him and struck up a conversation. Mid way through the conversation he asks, "Umm did you throw up, it looks like you have vomit on you." I then proceeded to keep my story from earlier about how some drunk bitch was in the bathroom projectile vomiting and I was caught in the crossfire. Not really sure if he believed me, I then proceeded to point out a random girl in the crowd "accusing her" of doing it, and explained how I ended up getting a free drink out of it, and it seriously was not my vomit. Apparently I was convincing. Not only did he believe me, I also ended up drunkenly making out with him later on in the night.
The moral of the story: Not even vomit can ruin a drunk girls game.
Summers in Warren
I met Lam and Maria when I was 15. I was only friends with Lam at first, because I thought her brother was super hot and I wanted to get close to him. After realizing him and I's incompatibility, I ended up remaining friends with Lam and Maria, because they were actually quite fun to be around. They are Greek, so one requirement of being a Greek person's friend, is that you occasionally have to attend Greek functions. Since we were fairly young, and not old enough to drive, we would be escorted in Lam and Maria's mom's red mini-van to Warren, OH to visit her grandparents. Every year, the town of Warren would host a huge Greek festival including rides, dancing and of course authentic Greek food. I had never ate a gyro before I met them, and discovering Lamb meat was a holy experience for me. Once we got to the festival and got comfortable with our surroundings, we discovered there was a gyro conspiracy and the meat they were serving was not real "off the spit", but was the kind you would see at a grocery store. Being 3 disappointed girls, we decided to sit on a park bench next to a Ferris Wheel and sulk.
Back then, when Lam and I needed entertainment, we would play a game we made up called the "Name Game." Basically we would shout out random names at people as they walked by. If we got it right, we got a point, when we were wrong, people just thought we had turrets. So me, Lam and Maria decided to play the game. After about 10 minutes of shouting random names, we actually ended up guessing the name of a guy around our age. (I don't remember who got the name right, I'm assuming it was me considering the events to follow.) This good looking kid comes up to us dumbfounded and confused asking us who we are. For a good 10 minutes Lam and I playing off of each other convincing this guy that we had not only partied with him before, but that him and Lam fooled around in his grandma's closet during a 7 minutes in Heaven game. Feeling terrible that he doesn't remember, and Lam acting totally offended, he asked us if we wanted to walk around with him. After about 20 min the kid gets quite ballsy and starts coming on to Lam again..or so he thought. I don't remember exactly how we ditched him, but me, Lam and Maria made some excuse as to why we had to go (I'm thinking we made up a curfew excuse) and left the festival.
Moral of the story: Even at a young age, if a guy thinks he's been somewhere before, he will attempt to go for it again.
Jesus Take the Wheel
This past Thanksgiving, I was home in the county visiting my family. I normally do not like to get drunk in my hometown, because if I do anything stupid or outrageous, it will be headline news the next day via the gossip chain. Me and my friend Jamie decided to go local for a few adult beverages. After bar hopping all night, we ended up at an old friend of ours bar. On a drunk scale I was at about a 6. Jamie and I grab a table in the back part of the restaurant, and we then start having a very serious, heartfelt conversation about some recent events. As we are mid conversation, making some sort of leeway, a guy that looks like Harry Potters older brother comes over and sits down next to me in our booth. Looking confused and thinking that he may know Jamie, I look at him and say hello and introduce myself. As Jamie is introducing herself, I realize neither of us don't know him, and its game on for rudely interrupting our conversation. Jamie knew it was on too, when I told the kid I was 25.
It started when I made a comment about European Clubs and how you can get drugs on every corner (I've never been to Europe). He then proceeded to ask me if I did drugs, and this is where things went spiraling out of control. I told him that I used to be a big drug addict until I found God. I joined a seminary, but only to leave 6 months in because I found out that masturbation is not allowed in the church. I then went back to school for business, and I now travel all over the world for a college food service vendor. Jamie had instantly became a nurse at Allegheny General and had been dating a guy for a very long time, that I was convinced was a homosexual. We told this guy that Jamie's imaginary boyfriend only will have doggy style sex with her, and asked her to wear a strap on. She had also caught him looking at gay porn at home. I think this guy felt sorry for Jamie, because he tried telling her that he was gay, while I am sitting at the table praying for her telling him that god doesn't forgive homosexuals.
At this point, I run in to someone that I graduated with, and as I leave the table, hoping this guy will too, he tells Jamie that super religious people tend to freak him out. Coming back to him, still sitting there Jamie and I pull out all the stops, bantering back and forth about things we have actually done, but accusing the other of doing it. After this doesn't work and he is not weirded out at all, Jamie goes in for the ultimate lie..."Well Shelby what about the herpes"... Silence falls on the table, and I have never seen anyone jump up and run away so fast in my life.
Moral of the story: Lying about herpes will repel unwanted guests from any situation.
No really, I can't hear you
This story is a little fuzzy but I remember the basics. I can't remember which friends I was with, but I do remember we were at Jimmy D's. The place was crawling with young guys and it was right around the time that the Jersey Shore "douche bag" look started hitting Pittsburgh. I was out on the dance floor doing my typical "I think I can dance when I'm drunk" moves, when I realized I was all alone on the dance floor. My friends had disappeared, and I had no clue what was going on. I started aimlessly walking around until I found them, uncomfortably talking to a couple of guys. Being that we were inseparable back then and almost had telepathic communication, I knew they were in trouble and needed to intervene. I walked up to them, and started flipping my fingers as if I was trying to say something. Confused, my friends had no clue what I was doing, so once the guy had stopped paying attention to my extravagant entrance, I lipped to them "sign language, i'm deaf."
Not really sure how the hell I was going to pull this one off, I literally just started moving my fingers around, almost as if I had turrets syndrome. Confused, the guys that were hitting on my friends tried being polite and started introducing themselves. It was at that point, that in as if I had a dick in my throat, I proceeded to speak in my best deaf dialect. I then proceeded to ask them (again in my best deaf dialect) to talk slowly so I could "lip read." It was at this point that I officially appeared as if I was having a seizure( with all of the movement going on with my hands.) It must have been working, because the one guy asked me (very slowly of course), "how do you hear the music?". I channeled my 8th grade self, and proceeded to tap the floor similar to the Cotton Eyed Joe dance, trying to get the point across that I could "feel the vibrations." With my friends completely embarrassed, but also thankful for me saving them they politely excused themselves from the conversation because they needed to "grab me before I got out of control."
Moral of the story: If you talk and act like a Jersey Shore douchebag, your conversation will fall upon deaf ears.
Cougar Barb and Company
I was visiting an old friend who had recently moved down south. After a few low key nights of just hanging out and catching up, we decided to go out on the town for a night. The bar that was chosen was the equivalent of a McFadden's or Tilted Kilt, so I just wore some casual jeans and a tank top. Upon arrival of the bar, I was shocked to see the amount of people drinking at 9pm, must be a southern thing. It was a beautiful night, so we decided to stalk people outside, until a table opened up. The two of us sat down at a large round table that could accommodate about 6 people. We then proceeded to engage in what we do best: people watch, drink, and make fun of people. We are mid-conversation, when out of nowhere, he stops mid conversation and tells me to look at the door. Standing there are 2 middle aged women that were dressed as if they were coming from a wedding. Confused and concerned for the well being of any male between the ages of 21-30 at the bar, I laughed it off and proceeded to drink my Redbull and cherry vodka. Next thing I know, I get a tap on my shoulder and low and behold it is one of the cougars. If I had to guess, she was probably early 50s, wearing a beaded plum cocktail dress, had a face lift and possibly a boob job, and had blonde hair similar to a Playboy bunny. She was in excellent shape for her age, and where you could clearly tell she was trying to cling to her youth, she was actually quite pretty. She politely asks me if I would mind if she sat in the empty chair next to me, at which I told her not at all. I looked over at my friend, who gave me the "Oh Jesus" look, because he knew me well enough to know that it was game on.
Her name was Barb. She was a recently divorced woman practically gave me her whole life story within 5 min. She hated her ex husband, the woman she was with was her best friend, recent cancer survivor and also recently divorced. She made it perfectly clear what her agenda was that night, to find someone to make her feel "young." I then caught her staring at my friend with her geriatric bedroom eyes, I had 1 of two options...To save him from an unwanted cougar attack or antagonize the situation which could possibly end in walking home. My time was up, she finally allowed me to talk. Rather than being a dick (surprising right?) I decided to take the high road and inform her that he was my boyfriend. She then proceeded to hit me with tons of questions, "Where did you meet?, how long have you been together?, How old are you guys? etc. Within 5 min, I had made up an imaginary relationship. I told her that he saved my life in a boating accident while I was on vacation, we had been together for over a year and that I am concerned about the relationship because I am older and don't feel he is ready to settle down and with the distance thing, it was straining our relationship. Trying not to laugh, my friend excuses himself and goes to grab us another drink. During this time, she proceeds to tell me how amazing of a couple we are, and how truly happy we seem. She was convinced that he was my destiny. I proceeded to tell her how much I loved him, but just wasn't sure about the distance thing. Then like a romance novel and with her all worldly knowledge, she decides to give me a lecture about love. Returning to the table, with no clue as to what had just occurred, she starts grilling my friend telling him how lucky he is and how amazing I am. Grinding his teeth as his he is agreeing she then stuns him with the most awkward question anyone can ask in an imaginary relationship, "When are you going to put a ring on it." As I saw his tanned skin turn a pale white in udder terror, I intervened and told her "We have some issues to work out first."
We then proceeded to walk next door, cougar crew in tow to a club at which I promised the girls I would get them laid. It was my turn to buy a round, and I was at about a 8 level of drunkenness, so me and Cougar Barb's friend went to the bar to by shots. $54 dollars and 4 shots later, I walked outside, to see Cougar Barb whispering in my friends ear practically sitting on his lap. Confused, and a little pissed off like any imaginary girlfriend would, I see my friend looking at me with a shit eating grin on his face. Rather than making an imaginary scene, I sat real close next to Barb as if I was her new best friend. At this point she was just sloppy drunk, she grabs my face, turns my head and proceeds to tell me I should reconsider our relationship because he is immature and just asked her to join us for a 3 some, and she assured me she would be down, however she couldn't leave her friend hanging. I then proceeded to pick an imaginary fight with my imaginary boyfriend because I was getting drunker and didn't know how long I could keep up the shenanigans. Holding me up as I was stumbling out of the bar, we proceeded to laugh the entire way home.
Moral of the story: Never leave a cougar alone with your imaginary boyfriend or you may end up in an imaginary 3 some.
Keeping it Real - well sort of
Shelby
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