Shelby Does Baltimore - Part 1 of 4

                After having way too much time on my hands during my 12 day vacation, it occurred to me that maybe I am a little too hard on Pittsburgh guys.  Granted, I have never lived outside of a 30 mile radius of Pittsburgh, however, I am smart enough to know that there is a bigger world out there.  I am not a peppy cheerleader that talks Pittsburgh up to be the greatest city in the world (unless I'm trying to inadvertently  trying to get someone to move here for my own personal agenda). 

                I got to thinking, "It can't just be Pittsburgh guys that are emotionally retarded, it has to be everywhere."  So I decided to shop around different cities to see what in fact is out there and how comparable that the men would be.  I chose the following cities:  Baltimore (MD), Seaside Heights (NJ), Boise (ID), and Los Angeles (CA).

                I am sad to admit it, but Baltimore men make Pittsburgh men look like total Jackasses.  I was bombarded with mostly "Hello, how are you?" or "Hi, I'm xxxx, care to chat?".  I barley even saw a shirtless mirror picture.  Other than a slight lack of intelligence from some messages as you will see, Baltimore's POF market, is surprisingly and unexpectedly respectable. 

And now I would like to showcase the lack of intelligence that Baltimore men exhibit :

27/M/Baltimore, MD

You're adorable. Let's move to Greece and sell hot dogs on the beach together.

Seriously though, I like your profile. I'd love to chat. You seem genuine. What do you think? Up for chatting?

How was your new years night? Today is my first day back after the winter break.

-Z

Dear Zorro,

            Obviously you do not hold a degree in Business and Marketing, which is why your brilliant idea to move to Greece and sell hot dogs wouldn't work.  Why don't we just move to Florida and sell winter jackets in the middle of summer?  Or better yet, let's open up a community swimming pool during winter in Alaska.  Your lack of culture annoys me.  Do you really think Greeks want an imported, frozen and thawed hot dog being sold them by an American ginger, when they can walk 30 feet up a cobblestone road and purchase a freshly killed lamb from one of their 30 cousins?  Where I'm sure you are well cultured witnessing drive bys and domestic disputes on a daily basis, your lack of knowledge in product placement annoys me. You are what the Greeks call a "malaka". Clearly you celebrated "new year's night" alone, because the rest of the world calls it "new years eve,"  and while you were sitting at home working on your pathetic "business plan," I was out drinking heavily and hanging out with people called friends.  I can only imagine where you just came back from during your "winter break."  Baltimore is not excited to see you return.

26/M/Baltimore

Not only do you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders, but you seem like a genuinely awesome person and pretty
cute. Have you ever been sky diving? Do you like shooting guns?

Dear GI Jackass:

            I'm glad to know that a psychopath thinks I have a good head on my shoulders.  I wonder if I ever went out with you what personality would surface.  No, I have never gone sky diving, however, after potentially meeting you, I may want to free ball it and go without a parachute.  Do I like shooting guns?  I am not the type of girl that gets turned on with words like "AK 47" or "armor piercing ammunition."  I don't think you are looking for a "Baltimore" girl, I think you need to visit South Carolina and find a girl from the area where they filmed Deliverance.  I am starting to think the only reason you think I have a "good head on my shoulders" is because you want to mount it on your wall.  Being you are an adrenaline junkie, I bet our first date would consist of this:  You pick me up on your motorcycle with no helmets.  We then proceed to go 100 miles an hour on the highway to the nearest shooting range, where we then engage in target practice.  Following your several trips to the bathroom where you finish yourself off due to the "rush", we then climb the highest building in Baltimore and proceed to base jump off of it.  Where I applaud you for being "exciting", I'd much rather die from being electrocuted by an electric vibrator in a bathtub.   

22/M/Baltimore

hey how are you? you are one gorgeous woman lol. i would love to hang out and give you a foot massage sometime :)

Dear ADIDAFS (All day I dream about foot sex):

            First off, I am quite offended that you call me gorgeous and then laugh about it.  I understand there is no such thing as sarcasm font, however that is not any kind of introductory way to approach an imaginary Baltimore gal.  You are already implying that you have an awkward sense of humor, which could make things interesting for me and horrific for you.  Now let's talk about hanging out.  Nothing screams romance like a first date foot massage.  Shall we do it in the mall food court?  Or better yet, why don't you rub my puppies down while we are at Baltimore's finest restaurant.  Nothing screams class like a public foot rub.  Your willingness to give my feet a hand job leads me to believe that you probably would get off on it.  I will not play any part in your weird foot porn fetish.  Why are you even on Plenty of Fish?  Shouldn't you be on Craigslist with all the other weird fetish people go to pro create, molding the up and coming generation of children in to total freaks?  Sadly, you are only 22.  You have an entire life time of name calling and rejection ahead of you.  The only way you are ever going to get any attention from women is by purchasing a shoe store and changing your name to Al Bundy..wait never mind. Al Bundy was a football player, not president of the fashion club.

41/M/Baltimore

Hi-i realize I am a bit older than you but my last girlfriend was your age and we got along very
well. I did read your profile and think we may have a lot in common. Any way-i hope to hear from you
and if you haven't had great with certain guys maybe someone more established and stable would be a great way to start the new year.

                               

Dear Peter Pan:

     It's ok, I don't want to grow up either.  I'm glad you lack that much social skill that you felt the need to tell me about your ex girlfriend, that happens to be my age.  It makes me feel good to know that by strictly looking at my pictures and reading my profile that you think I have daddy issues.  I'm sure your last girlfriend was probably either a gold digging whore, or an ex stripper with daddy issues.  I bet it wasn't until after she gang banged the entire offensive line of the Baltimore Ravens that she met you, and found her salvation.  It was at that time that she probably discovered that wrinkly old balls are this seasons newest fashion accessory.  Obviously I haven't had "great" with certain guys, I'm on a dating website that is named after an inspirational quote that married people say to comfort their lonely, single friends.  You wonder why you got a girl my age?  You sound like an insurance agency and not a boyfriend.  "More established and stable would be great to start the new year."  When I read that quote my subconscious investment banker speaks to me, "Shelby, invest stock in a porn store and AA rechargeable batteries."  

32/M/Baltimore

Hi. I read your profile. My names Rob. I live in the city and work downtown at Ummc hospital. I live off O'donnell st on the east side of town. So i know what your looking for but you didn't give out much info about yourself. What do you like to do for fun? I like to go out for drinks. Baltimore has such a great selection of restaurants and
bars. I like to go to the movies if there's anything worth seeing. I can be alot of fun to hang out with. If you'd like to chat that would be awesome :)

Dear Restraining-Order Rob

            I want to say thank you very much for not only letting me know where you work, but also allowing me to geographically locate you.  You are so open, you would make an excellent boyfriend considering you are probably one of those annoying people that check themselves in everywhere via Foursquare thinking people actually give a rats ass as to where you are.  I don't care if you are the Mayor of O'Donnell street or the President of the Baltimore Bush Company, I'm clearly not going to tell you what I'm looking for in fear that you will stalk me.  If you are that willing to tell me details as to where you work and live, you probably plant GPS tracking devices on girls cars that don't give you straight answers.  Thank  you Captain Obvious, for telling me that the town I imaginary relocated to has great restaurants and bars.  You may as well just said, "Boys have penises," because clearly I do not already know that either.  Also, you are soooo unique because you only go to the movies when something you want to see comes out?  Well I for one enjoy spending $10 on a movie that I have no desire to see, which I'm sure is the thinking of all movie goers at the time.  Who actually goes to watch a movie they want to see?  Thanks for clarifying that for me President Perceptive.   I imagine that a date with you would end up in me slipping myself a roofie, in order to keep myself entertained.  Your best drunken and sober pick up line is probably, "Hey, you're a girl."   

            So in conclusion, other than pure stupidity and slight desperateness, Baltimore POF guys are kind of harmless.  I barley saw any shirtless mirror pictures, and other than the foot fetish thing, Baltimore guys are less emotionally retarded than Pittsburgh :(  I'm sorry Pittsburgh guys,  where we may be winning the war on intelligence, Baltimore guys show better internet dating skills and are probably getting more ass than you because they are actually polite in messages, and not total perverted douchebag weirdo's. 

Baltimore 1 - Pittsburgh 0

Next week - Taking on Real Jersey Shore Guys (hopefully)

Keeping it real

- Shelby