Shelby Does Seaside Heights, NJ - Part 2 of 4

                Let  me first and foremost proudly say - I have never watched an episode of Jersey Shore in my life.  I honestly do not need to ever, considering every cast member has infiltrated my dreams thanks to Facebook, TMZ and People.com.  I once had a dream that myself, Snookie and J-wow hopped in a limo and went to GetGo because Snookie wanted a hot dog.  In another dream, Pauly D hand selected me out of a crowd to "compete for his affection" on his newest reality show.  I was even a member of the cast once, in my dream it was "Survivor - Jersey Shore edition," where I pushed "The Situation" off of a cliff.

                With all the hype of this damn TV show, and their styles being copied by 85% of the Pittsburgh 21-35 male and female population, I decided to see if the area that the show originated in was in fact nothing but juiced up Guido's with rock hard bodies, fo hawks, and spray tans that look as if they rolled around in a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos. 

                The results were shocking.  If you are an avid reader, it's quite clear that I have a slight obsession with Italian men, however the POF market in Seaside was quite normal.  I wasn't flooded with many shirtless mirror pics, or ridiculous messages, most of the messages were slightly awkward if that.  I almost did not get enough material to write this blog due to the normalcy of messages.  Maybe all Jersey guys aren't like the show? 

Here are some slightly awkward messages I received:

 38/M/Fairless Hills, PA

HEY THERE HOWS IT GOING? MY NAME IS SCOTT AND I AM SOMEWHAT NEW TO THIS SITE.. HAVE YOU HAD ANY LUCK ON THIS SITE. NO LUCK FOR ME YET BUT I AM ALSO NOT DESPERATE OR IN ANY TYPE OF RUSH .. I HAVE NOT SPENT MUCH TIME ON HERE EITHER THOUGH BUT FIGURED WHAT THE HECK AND SIGNED UP YOU NEVER KNOW ... I MUST SAY THAT YOU ARE SO CUTE BUT SO SEXY AT THE SAME TIME THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS !!!!

DEAR SCOTT -

                SINCE YOU FEEL THE NEED TO BUST A CAPS LOCK ON MY ASS, I WILL RETURN THE FAVOR.  NORMALLY WHEN A PERSON SAYS THEY AREN'T DESPERATE, THEY ARE.  I'M SURE YOU HAVE GOTTEN TO THE POINT IN YOUR LIFE THAT IF YOU FIND AN UGLY DRUNK GIRL TO BANG, ITS  "TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM," AND NOT JUST BEING DESPERATE.   IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU HAVE HIT ROCK BOTTOM AND ARE TRYING TO CONVINCE NOT ONLY ME, BUT ALSO YOURSELF AS WELL.  I'M CURIOUS TO KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST 38 YEARS NOT TO BE IN A RUSH.  IF YOU ARE NEW TO ONLINE DATING AT THE AGE OF 38,  CLEARLY YOUR REAL LIFE PICK UP  SKILLS WILL REFLECT IN YOUR ONLINE PICK UP SKILLS, LEAVING YOU HOME ALONE EVERY NIGHT MASTERBAITING TO STOMACH HUMPING PORN.  CALLING A GIRL CUTE AND SEXY AT THE SAME TIME IS ABOUT AS LAME AS GETTING UNDERWEAR FOR XMAS.  HAVE YOU EVER HEARD ANYONE CALL A BUNNY RABBIT CUTE AND SEXY?  NO.  CLEARLY YOU DO NOT KNOW WHERE CUTE AND SEXY FALL ON THE MALE SCALE OF COMPLIMENTS.  YOUR BASICALLY CALLING ME A 5 AND AN 8 AT THE SAME TIME, MAKING ME A 6.5?  THATS NOT A COMPLIMENT, THAT IS AN INSULT.

35/M/Shamog, NY

you really like those boots huh. very cute. wait does that count about me talking
about body parts. can i have a do over. do you hang out at karma waiting for Pauly D.

Dear Just Stop Talking

                Yes, I like my boots.  Do you really think I would spend a shit-ton of money on them in order for them to be fixtures on my bedroom floor?  Clearly you are an idiot considering you think boots are a body part. You cannot have a do-over, the damage has been done. Making a smart ass remark about a girls boots, is the equivalent of telling a small child you killed their imaginary friend, they will hate you forever. Does drinking the water in Jersey make you a total moron, or just a half ass?  I would rather join a convent in Zimbabwe than hang out Pauly D.  Do I look like the type to hang out with a guy that's going to endorse his terrible vodka and cheap sunless tanner while fist pumping to his own lame ass remix of a Britney Spears/Metallica Song, while he talks Ebonics saying "This Joint is Hot, Yo."  Where fist pumping was never cool, every time it happens I now feel like I am in a room full of potential murders, practicing stabbing people with air knives.   I'd much rather hang out with a "DJ" that has, oh what's that word...talent? 

29/M/Toms River, NY

we make 29 look goooood. agreed? also, we'd take such cute photo booth pictures together ;)

Ryan

Dear Rockin Ryan -

                The reason that you are single is because you broke cardinal rule #1 when it comes to talking to women - You mentioned age.  I do not need to be reminded that I am on the eve of a landmark birthday.  Chances are, I will remain 29 for the next 20 some years as long as my looks do not fade.  I may in fact lie the next time I go to the DMV and have them change my birthday to give me just a couple of more years. I do not need to be reminded that I am 29 and on a dating website.   Photo Booth pictures?  They still have those? We would take cute pictures!  You cheesing because you have a good looking 20 something girl on your arm, while I pretend  to hang, choke, slit my wrists and shoot myself.  Your vagina whispering skills clearly need work. 

32/Stafford Twp, NJ

Cara bella, cara mia bella!
Mia bambina, o ciel!
Ché la stimo…
Ché la stimo.
O cara mia, addio!

A change in the normal messages I am sure you get

Dear Mario:

                Where I appreciate your attempt to give me a non conventional message, I am struggling to understand what the hell you are saying.  I'm sure you have heard that the words of love translate in to any language, however I do not know what foreign language you are speaking.  Babblefish.com doesn't even know what language this is.  I'm going to guess its Italian w/ the bella and bambina, which are one of the few Italian words I know.  Isn't Carabella a fishing and hunting store?  Are you comparing me to a department store?  Really?  Your tactical approach isn't working.  If I wanted to listen to someone speak in tongues, I would much rather watch an exorcism.  You could potentially be mocking me right now, and only those fluent in Italian would be getting it right now.  Don't get me wrong, I love me some Italian men, but not the Nintendo Wii version's of Mario that speaks in absolute nonsense.

42/M/Margate City, NY

Would you date a great guy that is kinky and well endowed? LOL

Dear Sir Kinks-alot

                No....I would not.  You sound like a total skeeze bag.  I highly doubt you are a genuinely great guy, I'm sure it comes with a price.  Where, I appreciate you being up front and honest about your kinkyness and penis size, I feel there is something you need to know.  Were I am known to be quite the little gambler, I very rarely hit a jackpot when it comes to penis size in the sack.  So by eluding  that your penis is bigger than the size of a midgets thumb, I'm hardly not impressed.   I'm not sure what your idea of kinky is exactly, but I can probably guess it involves nipple electrocution and mushroom stamping.  Where I will be gladly willing to greet  you with my taser upon our first encounter, I will not let your "well endowed" wang anywhere near my forehead, stomach,  or leg for that matter.  I don't care if you have to duct tape it to your leg in fear of stepping on it when you walk, or look like you have a tripod in your pants.  I don't want something that you "think" is as big as an industrial vacuum hose anywhere near my kitty. 

In Conclusion:

                Seaside Heights POF is not overflowing with Jersey Shore wannabes.  There were actually more legitimate normal messages than weird ones.  I did get a shirtless mirror pic here and there with the occasional "hey, I just drank a protein shake and did 1000 push ups," look, but even those guys were polite when messaging.

                Unfortunately again, Pittsburgh men even the god awful Jersey Shore has more class than most of you Pittsburgh POF'ers. 

Baltimore - 1

Jersey Shore - 1

Pittsburgh - 0

Keeping It Real

Next Week - Boise, ID

- Shelby