Another Shot at Love - Craigslist Style

                Being that I haven't written about Craigslist for a while, I decided to revisit it to see if things have gotten any better, and it hasn't.  One thing that most people aren't smart enough to figure out is that if you are a true internet stalker and the information is available, people don't have to send you a picture, you can look up their email address via Facebook.  So some guys that didn't send me pictures, I was still able to find via Facebook, which makes it even more weirder.  I posted the following pictureless ad:      

Hello. Thanks for reading my ad. I am a 29 year old girl who has been single for a little over 5 years, and where I enjoy the single life, it does get a bit old not having some consistency in my life. I'm a normal average girl. I have a job, a car, an apartment, no children, and have no drama (other than like the normal girl stuff my friends get me in to). I am 5'5, brown eyes, brown hair, about 130. According to those that know me, I'm funny, sarcastic, sweet, slightly immature and a non-sugar coater. I am real! The Oscars are on tonight! Send a pic if you would like, if not that's fine too.

Thanks
    

I posted this ad at 7:30 P.M on Sunday 2/26.  As of Monday 2/27 at 8:00 p.m. I have received the following:

124 messages

13 phone numbers

2 replies from people that I actually know

1 dick picture

Here are some of my favorite messages that I would now like to share with you....

Hey the single life does get out I been single since 08. So what do we do from here I'm new to all this add stuff. Let's c I'm 5'8 200 lbs full blood italian man that wants to find that one that makes me want to come home from work if u know what I mean

Dear Mario –

            According to your FB profile, which is the new law of the land, you just got out of a relationship on January 24^th of this year.  So with that being said, your first sentence is a lie.  Knowing that you are lying in a failed attempt to make me feel better about my own personal life already makes me hate you.  Clearly, by looking at your profile picture that shows you with 3 young children, I’m going to assume that you are not in fact “Uncle of the Year,” but are probably divorced.  You also fail to mention your age.  Thank goodness for Facebook to allow me to find out that you graduated high school in 91’ making you roughly 38-39.  No, I really don’t know what you mean by finding someone that “makes you want to come home from work.”  Unless you work part time as a mansion house sitter, I don’t see why you have troubles wanting to come home unless when you were married, going home for you was about as exciting as a blind man going to see a silent movie.   

......Are you still single?
I mean most girls I know who are close to your age are already saying that they are too oldand ready to settle down but you are out there still free... that just means you haven't found the oone that mists blows your mind or you're a lil player... I'm hoping its the first I mentioned ...anyways if you are interested in getting to know someone unique then you should drop everything you're to meet me! ,:)

Send u a pic next time if you answer I guess

Dear Cheshire Cat –

            It’s not your curiosity that is killing me, it’s the fact that you managed to offend me in 3 of the 6 sentences you sent me.  Does everything that comes out of your mouth repel women, or is it just when you are trying to win them over in your valiant internet wooing efforts? Yes you dumbass, nothing has changed in the past 15 hours since I posted this ad to make me not be single.  Internet dating does not work that quickly, however I’m sure based on the idiotic message you sent me, you probably think that unicorns are real and believe in love at first type.  After looking up your FB profile, I notice 2 things.  1. I am actually quite shocked that your message to me was not in broken English, and 2. I can’t pinpoint how old you are but I’m going to guess you are younger, considering my next point.  Here is a tip, if you are going to use the term “close to your age,” the only acceptable way to contextualize it would be “I have a brother/sister that is close to your age.”  Using that phase in any other context is basically telling a girl “my age” everything that her married friends, mother, aunt and concerned gay friends already tell her.  I do not need to be told from a total stranger that my well is slowly drying up.  I’m not exactly what a “mists blows your mind” is exactly, but it reminds me of a swimming pool massacre.   If I were a player, do you really think I would turn to Craigslist of all places to find anyone worth “playing?”  I’d have better luck playing the “What eating disorder does this Victoria’s Secret model have” game. 

interested in getting to know a good looking 29 year old married guy?

Dear Married Guy,

            Thank you for proving that marriage is no longer viewed as scared.  Why the fuck would I want to get to know you if your married?  I don’t care how “good looking” you say you are, you are about as useless to me as an expired condom.  I was unaware that when posting my ad, I had to make it idiot proof by requesting that only single guys respond.  If you are in need of female attention that bad, go to a strip club or hire a hooker.  I really hope that karma comes back around full circle in the form of a fat, desperate stage 5 clinger that stalks the hell out of you until your wife finds out what you have been up to.  If you have that much disrespect for your wife to be responding to Craigslist personal ads, I can only imagine what the outcome of this relationship would be.  You really make me want to start my own "Cheaters" reality tv show, except on my show, your wife gets to castrate you on camera, tool.

I no how u fee I have been single well all my life I hope to hear from you soon

Dear Solo Rider

            Where I am saddened to hear that you have been single your whole life, I don't really feel that this message has any "wow" factor to get me to respond.  The best way I can put your life in to perspective is by considering you to be in the "puppy" stage of your love life.  Maybe if Maybe if I were 18 again and had the time and energy to housebreak you, teach you how to be independent, and show you some tricks, I would consider dating you, however I am way past my breaking point.  Openly admitting to being single your entire life leads me to believe that you use the internet solely for the purpose of finding a significant other.  I'm sure you have probably messaged me several times on the 20 other websites that you are on, and probably wrote me a book about your sob story of a life without love.  Instead of hoping to find a girlfriend via Craigslist why don't you stop playing World of Warcraft, shower, leave your parents basement and become a person that actually goes out with real friends (Farmville buddies do not count).  Also, you may want to consider getting a GED, because your communication skills are a bit off.  "I no how you fee" sounds like something I would hear from a Jamaican Psychic hotline.

Hello 29 year old single

Want to meet a caring, honest. never

married 45 year old established, swm

Then look no further for the moment and check my

lifestyle out.

seeking pretty laid back gal for Ltr with possible

marriage with the right woman.

PS

I fuck well, and have been retired for a good many years.

Send pic so your new man can check you out.

Dear Well-Fucker

            There are many reasons that you have been single for 45 years, however for time’s sake, I will only reflect on several.  I don’t even want to know about your profession; considering you are 45 and have been retired for “a good many years” it leads me to believe that you are a either a retired drug dealer, porn star or gigolo.  I would not be surprised if you rocked a pornstache in the 80’s while doing lines of coke off of strippers’ asses.  When you mention your “lifestyle” I can only imagine what that maybe.  You probably are a gold card member to a swingers club who beats off in the bathroom knowing you are not even a drunk girls last resort.  You would be better off going to an AA meeting or a rehab center to meet “the right woman.”  The fact that you claim to “fuck well,” leads me to believe that some dumb bitch that slept with you developed a case of cock envy after looking in to your wallet, and stroked not only your dick, but your ego too.  Clearly you have convinced yourself that every girl you slept with truly had an orgasm, when in reality probably faked it to keep your spirits up.  The only picture that I would send you, is a picture of a Summer’s Eve brand douche, this way you can see a reflection of yourself through your new girls eyes.

So in conclusion, where I am seeing less perverts on Craigslist, it has now shifted to the super desperate and lonely, and the demographic is changing as well.  40% of the messages I received were from men 35+.  Keep it up Craigslist, or I will run out of things to blog about!

Keepin it real -

Shelby

Why I shouldn't be an advice columnist

            I'm not a "live by quotes" sort of person, however there is one that I have found to be true in its own nature, "Opinions are like assholes, everybody's got one."  If you don't know who Dear Abby is, then clearly you either live in Alaska, or have been living under a tunnel for your entire life.  I remember growing up, she was my role model.  She always knew the right thing to say, to make people feel secure about any situation.

            Now being a bit older, and less naive, reading some of her responses make me realize that she is a sugar coater.  Rather than giving people the straight up truth about something, she tiptoes politely around the topic and talks in code, without giving no real sense of any solution.

            I figured I would take a stab at answering some questions asking about advice.  Considering every time I do offer my services to my friends, they never listen anyways,  I thought this would be the best opportunity ever to showcase my skills on sensitive subjects .

                       

NAME CHANGE IS A ROADBLOCK ON COUPLE'S TRIP TO THE ALTAR

DEAR ABBY: My fiancé, "Kip," and I are being married next year and we have only one disappointment. It's about my keeping my last name. I don't want to take Kip's last name.

I have had the same name for 33 years and I do not believe a woman "has" to take her husband's name when they marry. However, the biggest issue for me is my fiancé never knew his father, who left when Kip was a baby. I do not wish to take the name of a man who neither of us knows, and who had no positive influence on our lives. I'm part of a close-knit family, and I am proud to bear the name of my father -- a hardworking, dedicated Vietnam veteran.

Am I out of line? We will accept your answer because we are unable to resolve this ourselves. -- STANDING MY GROUND IN NEW JERSEY

Dear Abby’s Reply:

DEAR STANDING: While most women still change their names to their husband's (or hyphenate them), those who don't usually have established themselves in a career in which they are known by their maiden name. Others fear that if they change their names they'll lose their identity.

No one can or should decide this for you. However, if Kip did know his dad and the man was a fine, upstanding citizen, would you feel differently? Remember, you are marrying Kip, not his father, and I assume your fiance is a wonderful person. Given your logic, because he had no relationship with his father, should he change his name to yours? Please make no decisions about this until you two have talked this out more fully.

Shelby’s Reply

Dear Standing:  Clearly during college you joined some pro women activist groups that involved hairy armpits, not showering for weeks and the occasional bra burning.  Being an empowered woman is one thing, but get off your high horse.  If your fiancée didn’t want retain his father’s last name, he would have changed it a long time ago.  Obviously, he doesn’t care as much as you do.  Unless your last name is going to be hysterical to society such as: Long Dong, Hung Weiner or Tran Vestite, you are being lame.  It has taken you 33 years to find someone that is willing to marry you, which judging by this ridiculous concern you have; you have probably inadvertently sabotaged every relationship you have had up until this point.  There are 1,000 better reasons as to why not to take someone’s last name; your reasoning is straight out of a terrible Lifetime movie.  When you get off your period and stop being an over emotional retard, reconsider everything about yourself and morph in to a normal female.   

DEAR ABBY: A year and a half ago, right before I turned 16, I made the decision to start dating. Before I had my first boyfriend, I set some guidelines for what I wanted in a relationship -- someone who isn't controlling, who treats me well, etc.

I also decided to wait to have my first kiss until I found someone special. These days, I think too many people my age are too sexually active. I don't want a boy to feel that because I let him kiss me, I will take the next step with him. I think there is a line that should never be crossed before marriage.

Do you think I am taking this too far by wanting to wait to be kissed? Or are the boundaries I'm setting for myself reasonable? -- HOLDING OUT IN OREGON

Dear Abby’s Response:

DEAR HOLDING OUT: Of course the first person you kiss should be "special." And when you meet him, I am sure you'll know he's the right one. You have to do what is right for you. I respect the fact that you have set boundaries and refuse to do something just because someone else may be doing it.

Shelby’s Response:

DEAR HOLDING OUT:  Do I think your boundaries are reasonable?  Absolutely not, they are stupid.  You are 16 years old and clearly have slipped in to a reality where Disney Movies are reality TV.  Are you a preacher’s daughter or something?    Being that you have already set the standard for what you are looking for at the ripe age of sixteen, you tend to forget key factors that are what “adult” relationships are made of.  Haven't you ever heard the expression: "Practice makes perfect?", of course not, clearly it's not something that Cinderella would say.  My first kiss consisted of me biting the shit out of the poor kids tongue.    Since then, FYI ..my skills have improved dramatically.  A girl that kisses a guy like his pet Rottweiler is not going to think you are a keeper, he's going to think you have Parkinson Disease.  It’s ok to be a blue ball giver, if you’re not willing to put out.  Blue Balls are the nicest compliment a women can give to a guy. Even better, the older and uglier you get, if you can still manage to give a man blue balls, it's just as gratifying as receiving candy, roses and jewelry.  If you think that kissing is considered “sexually active,” I would love to be there to see your reaction the first time your first ever boyfriend asks you to kiss him on his penis.  Please YouTube it.

WOMAN IN LOVE WITH FIANCE'S TWIN IS NOW IN DOUBLE TROUBLE

DEAR ABBY: I am 26 and have been dating "Mike" for four years. We met in our senior year of college and recently became engaged. I'm looking forward to being married and starting a family, but there's one "small" problem. I'm in love with Mike's identical twin brother, "Matt."

Mike and Matt are identical in appearance, but Matt is funnier, more outgoing and affectionate than my fiance. I didn't know he existed until a year ago because they had a falling out at their high school graduation and didn't reconcile until recently.

When I met Matt, I knew right away he was the one for me, but I continued dating Mike because I didn't want to ruin his re-established relationship with his brother. Matt reciprocates my feelings. He has told me he's in love with me and wants to date me.

I know I shouldn't have accepted Mike's proposal, but I don't want to hurt him or start another fight between him and his twin, but I also don't want to be married to the wrong man for the rest of my life. I'm unsure what to do. The wedding date has been set. Help! -- IN LOVE WITH THE DOUBLE

DEAR IN LOVE: You should have put the brakes on the relationship with Mike the minute you realized you were attracted to Matt. The engagement should be ended immediately. That you would not only continue to date Mike but also accept his proposal of marriage knowing you were more attracted to his twin was cruel.

If Matt starts seeing you after the breakup, it will probably cause a permanent rift between them. It will be interesting to see what happens when you become available because with some people the "apple" that's just out of reach is the one that's most enticing -- and you may wind up married to neither brother.

Shelby's Response:

            You are an embarrassment to all human beings with natural and artificial vaginas.  Clearly you do not see the silver lining in all of this.  You are dealing with identical twins.  This means, with a few alcoholic beverages, you have the opportunity to play the "I didn't know he wasn't you" card, and have a legitimate argument.  If they are identical you are home free.   The only pending issue to this fail proof plan depends on dick size.  If they truly are identical, you are golden, if  Matt is bigger, your literally and figuratively fucked.  You already sound like a dumb whore that goes after literally 1 type of guy, so why not capitalize on it, and become what you are meant to be: A headliner on an episode of the Jerry Springer Show.  You are already scandalous by even having feelings for his twin, and this Matt kid sounds like an absolute prick, so how do you really know if you haven't already gotten the old "switcharoo?"   I'm 100% sure you are going to take my advice and go through with it, because clearly you lack any kind of morals, so I look to watching you on Jerry first, followed by the results of the paternity test on Maury. 

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Kyle" for more than six months, but I have loved him for more than two years. I always thought we had a wonderful relationship and that Kyle was a sweet, innocent guy. Well, he just confided to me that he has an Internet porn addiction! I'm very hurt by this and don't want to lose him. What should I do? (By the way, we're both 14.) -- INNOCENT TEEN IN MICHIGAN

DEAR INNOCENT TEEN: You should urge Kyle to get help for his addiction. Addiction, by definition, is behavior that is compulsive and out of control.

The problem with teenage boys getting involved with Internet porn is it gives them an unrealistic expectation of how regular, normal women look and act. Although you don't want to lose him, becoming more involved could lead to his wanting to try out his sexual fantasies with you -- and if you go along with it, it will land you in a world of trouble. The smart thing to do is end this relationship now.

Dear Innocent Teen:

            According to your timeline, you were 12 years old when you fell in love with "Kyle."  So you are telling me that you discovered love before you got your first period?  I don't think so.  You are just experiencing your first relationship let down. Congratulations, this will prepare you for future relationships.   Considering, now a day's an internet porn addiction is about a 4 on the weirdness scale, I cannot wait for you to write again when you meet the next "sweet, innocent guy,"  who turns out to have a foot fetish, is a cross dresser, or likes a "dominant" female.  Since you are a naive 14 year old, I'm going to guess that you have actually probably watched porn with him, and are writing to Dear Abby to find some sort of justification as to why it's wrong.   Your speaking to someone who discovered her first vibrator at 16, you're not fooling anyone but yourself.  I think you should tell his parents, and video record the entire conversation and send it to me.  I'm sure while his mother weeps in shame, his father will pull him aside and high five him for being a "man," while they compare sites, before the parental internet blocking goes in to effect.

Dear Abby:

            Your advice to this girl sucks.  Being that you are like 80 and have been doing this advice column for about 100 years, you tend to forget that the world we live in has changed unfortunately.  Where I am not encouraging teens to have sex, we live in a society where middle school girls are giving bjs on school busses, because it's the new "norm".  We have a hard enough time controlling the pet population, and now that MTV has glamorized teenage pregnancy, a 14 year old with an internet porn addiction is on the bottom of the "things fucked up in today's society" list.   I wish that half of the guys I slept with had an internet porn addiction at a young age, then at least  I would have more stories to brag about, rather than be embarrassed to talk about.   Obviously Abby, you clearly have not researched the porn realm.  Porn does not give men an idea of how regular, normal women look and act, clearly you do not understand the "key word" function on a websites search engine.  If you would be an avid porn watcher Abby, you would know that not all porn stars are hot, especially since the kid is 14, he's probably on free sites like youporn and pornhub which are real people.   You are encouraging this girl to break up with him, without even knowing if this is a real addiction, or a 14 year olds version of "discovering something new."  The girl didn't mention that he was pressuring her in any kind of way, so you just decide to jump the gun and break up with him because he could potentially be a pervert?  Abby, are you a recruiter for the Catholic Church? Because last time I checked all men and women are perverted in their own ways.  It sounds to me like you are using a scare tactic to get her to join a convent. 

Keeping it Real -

Shelby

A Letter to my 16 Year Old Self

As I sit back and reflect not only on the past 5 valentine-less years, but also the last 13 of my life, like any normal person, I wish I could travel back in time and forewarn myself of things yet to come.   Not that I have a single regret, It would of been nice just to be given insight in to the future.  With that being said:

A Letter to my 16 year old self

Dear Shelby,

                Hello from the future!  I hope this letter finds you well.  Believe it or not, I am the 29 year old version of yourself (yes as of right now, surprisingly you do make it this far.)  I want to give you a heads up on things that have occurred in the past 13 years (or in your case will happen in the next 13 years), with the hopes that you appreciate 1. who you are now, and 2. the person that you will become .  I don't want you to change any of these events, more importantly, I want you to embrace them and be more educated so that it doesn't take you 13 years to not be embarrassed and get to the point that I am now, only sooner. 

                First and foremost, Happy 16th Birthday.  Being that I have lost many memories due to alcohol consumption (we will get in to this later), I'm sure for your birthday you were sitting around with your mixture of HS friends and Monaca friends, having cake in your parents basement.  Enjoy these times.  Where some of these people, you will grow apart from, others will remain near and dear to you even until this day.  I want to let you know, that at this age you will meet your first love.  Actually you have known your first love for quite some time.  If I know you, you are probably sitting on the top bunk of the bunk beds that your family purchased for you because you are an only child spoiled brat who decided waterbeds are lame.  Get down from the bunk bed and proceed to your desk.  Do you see the slender green rounded object encased in plastic that has been collecting dust for the past year?  That gag gift that Lam bought you that you had no clue what it was for?  That is your first love.  In roughly 3 months from now, all the kids at school will be talking about "getting off" and you will have no clue what the hell they are talking about, because you have barley gone to 3rd base, let alone had sex.  You will pretend you know what they are talking about, and rather than giving it up you take the safe way out, and decide to experiment with "the green lantern."  Congrats, you have now not only started an addictive hobby, you have also set yourself up disappointment in the sex department.

               

                When you are 16, you start dating a guy from another town.  One night you will be at a block party in his apartment complex, and will discover peach schnapps.  You will be drunk, however you cannot drive at this point because you don't have your license and have been using your Mom and Aunt to tote you and your friends everywhere.  When your mom picks you up from the party, and asks you why you smell like liquor cabinet, rather than lying and telling her it was non alcoholic beer, come clean and tell her the truth.  She will threaten that she has an at home "alcohol tester",  and thinking you have the upper hand by calling her out based on empty threats before,   do not be surprised that when you get home, she pulls them out of the bathroom cabinet.   Discovering that not only are your drunk, but you are 2 times over the legal limit, will send her in to a frenzy and cause you to be grounded.

                You are preparing to get your driver's license.  Let me give you a word of advice... Rather than taking your dad's Ford Escort Station wagon to it, take your grandfathers Plymouth Horizon (a car that is half the size of your dad's).  By doing this, you will save yourself the embarrassment of failing your test 2 times.  The first time you fail, it is because you park with your emergency brake on.  This is followed by yelling at the Penn Dot gentleman (who is old enough to be Hugh Hefner's Father) for asking you to put it on in the first place, and not reminding you to take it off.  The second time you fail, again with the old man that has seen every major world war, he will get his revenge  and yell at you for backing in to a barrier while parallel parking.  He will say things like "What if that was a child" and "Apparently driving school has not done anything for you," to the point where you cry uncontrollably and apologize for hitting an imaginary kid.  Finally, your mom suggest the brilliant idea to take your 3rd test in your Grandfather's car.  You get a younger gentleman who is cool as hell, but keep your mouth shut.  After you successfully park w/ out your e-brake and parallel park, do not brag about knowing the route through Rochester that the guy is going to take you on, because all your friends told you about it.  He will then throw you a curve ball, and take you not only through Rochester, but in to side streets of Beaver, and ask you to stop at a convenience store so that he can grab a coffee.  You pass this test with flying colors, and eventually get your first car - A Ford Escort.

                At the age of 17, you discover that Jack Daniels is not your friend.  At this point, your mother has lightened up a bit on drinking and doesn't freak out as bad.  On a hot summer evening, you will attend a party , at a guy named Adam's house.  You have been hanging out with his crew for some time now, and have a lot of fun.  Your friend Neil will mix you a drink, which later on you realize is an entire glass of Jack Daniels with a splash of coke.  You will proceed to get half way through the drink, before you get sloppy drunk, pass out underneath patio furniture and inadvertently confuse bong water for actual water.  Being a total embarrassment, your friends will proceed to drive you home and basically throw you in your parents yard.  At that point, your mom dressed in her infamous bathrobe will wake your father up out of a sound sleep to help carry you in to the house.  You will wake up the next morning with your first hang over.  You will be bedridden and unable to keep sort of food down because you are puking lime green stomach bile. 

                At the age of 18, you will get your first real boyfriend.  Not only is he a boyfriend, but he is also an accomplishment because you had your eyes set on him for quite some time.  You fall quickly for him and being a virgin, convince yourself that 18 is a respectable age to lose your virginity.  Before you lose it in the back seat of his car, you come to the mature decision to get on birth control.  Your mom isn't fond of your boyfriend, so you need a game plan because she has taken your car away with the hopes that you will no longer date him.  Here is a word of advice, learn how to be a better liar and cover all your tracks.  Somehow your plan of faking your mom's signature to get out of school half a day and convincing 2 classmates to drive you to family planning results in your appointment running 2 hours late, your friends leaving you at the clinic because they are worried their parents are going to find out what they did (also you do not have a cell phone at this time) and you getting a ride from Beaver Falls to Rochester High School from a complete stranger making it just in time before your mom picks you up from school.  Somehow within the 5 minute drive from the High School to your house, your mother discovers the birth control (peeking out of your book bag) and goes in to cardiac arrest. 

                At the age of 19 you discover you are of legal drinking age in Canada.  You and an old friend decide to go for Spring Break.  Rather than choosing a warm climate, you choose Canada.  You discover 2 things: 1. Male strippers get fully nude in Canada and 2. Losing your license in a foreign country doesn't mean instant deportation.  You will revisit Canada 2 more consecutive years.  Your third trip to Canada when you are 21 is a charm when you learn 2 key elements about life and yourself.  You learn that Tequila is not your friend.  While trying to hang with the Greeks, who are taking each other shot for shot similar to the scene from Raiders of the Lost Arc, you on the other hand take 1 shot and proceed to leave a trail of projectile vomit starting in the hallway and leading to the top of the toilet.  You also discover the meaning of "passing out with your shoes on."  You and the girls will invite male strippers back to your hotel room, at which point you pass out before the party even starts.  This leads to a video camera recording of a Canadian stripper mushroom stamping your passed out drunken ass.  Where you never see this video, it has yet to appear on a Canadian Porn Website. 

                During college, you meet people that strangely come back in to your life later on, and constantly remind you of your drunken partying while at State College.  One day, you will decide to hop in your car and make an impromptu visit to your friends.  Drinking pitchers of Captain and Coke at 3 p.m will result in 2 things:  Taking your first drunk shower and learning that you cannot do make up while under the influence.  The genius in you sets in that night, and you switch to Long Island Ice Tea's once you hit the G-man.  Shortly thereafter you are kicked out for falling down, and one of your friends fireman carries you back to the apartment and throws you in to your friends bed.  When you wake up on the couch the next morning confused, you are then informed that you managed to piss in his bed, and no longer have bed privileges.

                At age 21, you reconnect with a long lost flame.  This turns in to a 3 year relationship.  I'm not saying don't do it, I'm just saying don't be so naive.  You will discover what you think is the means of a normal relationship, when in return it is completely opposite.  By the time you are 26 you learn key lessons about men based on not only your 2 serious relationships, but also the guys in-between.

                 Lesson 1.

                                When a guy uses phrases such as: "You feel so good I can't control myself," "I promise it will get better and I will go longer," "I just haven't been myself lately", in context to their performance in the bedroom, you will learn that they are and always will be a 2 pump chump.  Being that most of your sexual encounters up to this point have lasted under  5 minutes, you will grow accustomed to this, and when you discover stamina you will get bored with it.  You eventually  become unable to concentrate after 5 minutes, get bored and let  your mind wander about what groceries you need to purchase and how much laundry you have to do. 

                Lesson 2.

                                Your 16 year old self thinks that drug dealers, wanna be thugs and bad boys are hot.  You grow out of this phase around 24, and rather than thinking they are hot, you now think they are pathetic and lame.  Unfortunately the newly single you hits another road block when you discover that every single guy you meet during this time wears either Ed Hardy or Affliction clothing and thinks he is training to be an MMA fighter.   It only gets worse.  Around 27-28 this thing called the Jersey Shore phenomena takes over...I don't want to spoil it for you, but I will suggest this: consider opening up a sunless tanning business and a gym.

                At the age of 22, you purchase your first Playgirl.  On your way to Erotica to celebrate someone's birthday, you will stop at a convince store for a mixer.  At this point you will see it peeking from behind the counter, ask to purchase it, and then proceed to tell the foreign cashier, "I'm so excited I have something new to buzz away to tonight."  After this, it remains in your car for some time and you forget about it.  It isn't until one day, when your mother is cleaning out your car and discovers it that you remember you had it.  After your mother nearly has a coronary, you proceed to make up some story about it being a gag gift for a friend.  Unconvinced, your mother never fully recovers from this experience and secretly thinks you have an addiction to porn, yet is relieved to know you are not swinging for the other team. 

                On New Year's eve when you are 24, you and your ex will mutually end the 3 relationship.  Your mother will suggest an online dating service.  DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT LISTEN TO HER.  Similar to your addiction with your vibrator, you will find yourself on not just 1 but eventually 9 dating websites.  You will become a serial dater, resulting in up to 3 dates a week sometimes.  Some of these guys are normal, others are just off the fucking wall, but none of them are what you are looking for.  You eventually rely on online dating so much, that you turn socially awkward and lose your ability to spit game in a real life setting.  It takes you 4 years , and a guy you meet online who makes out with his ex girlfriend right in front of you "even though they are just friends"  to make you realize that internet dating is pointless.  The only blessing that comes out of this, is that you get so fed up with the ridiculous messages that you receive, you decide to start a blog that people actually find entertaining and funny.

                Since you had a boyfriend during your early 20s, now freshly single, you are bound and determined to make up for lost time.  Where Captain has always been your drink of choice, you discover the joys of vodka and red bull.  This leads to memorable nights of: throwing your back out from dancing too much, running the fastest mile of your life on Maria's treadmill at 2:30 am in your bra and underwear, convincing yourself you can fly and nose dive off a toilet in to a bathtub, stealing a homeless mans buggy and most important of all, developing vodka goggles.  The decisions that you make involving vodka will give your friends unforgettable stories that will eventually become ammunition in friendly banter.  Your drinking shenanigans will eventually be known as "the Shelby beast"  and potential boyfriends will actually stop talking to you upon witnessing this.  

                Somewhere between 27 and 28 you will develop a terrible habit of drunk dialing and texting.  This will result in pissing off your friends, vagina blocking yourself to a guy that you do in fact actually care about, 3 am heartfelt conversations that only you remember, and questionable pictures of random body parts.  Some days, you wake up and laugh about it.  Other days, depending on the recipient, you get sick to your stomach.  Stop being cheap and pay the $1.99 for the drunk text app and save  yourself the embarrassment.

               

                I hope I haven't spoiled the next 13 years of your life too much.  As I look back on these memories, along with the ones I left out, I gotta tell you it's been one hell of a ride. You will never be perfect, but don't try to be.  Don't live in regret, learn from it and move on.  Don't be afraid to love, even if the feeling isn't always mutual.  Don't follow your heart either, your heart always seems to want to take you out of state (don't worry, I'm working on that).  All and all, I secretly wish I could be you right now, and relive it all over again.  Yeah, you are not where you thought you would be at this age: dog, house, husband, kids, but you know what Shelby, even if that life isn't in the cards for us, at least I can look back in 13 years from now and still smile about how blessed I am to have my family, friends, career, and people that have stumbled in and out of my life.

Keep it real...

Happy Valentine's Day to those who are attached, and Happy Singles Awareness Appreciation day to the rest of you that fall in to my category!

Shelby

Shelby Does Pittsburgh - Part 4 of 4

                So after imaginarily moving to the cities of Baltimore, Seaside Heights and Boise, I discovered that there is in fact no place like home.   Since Los Angeles seemed to be a town chalk full of respectable people, I decided to take the Vegas odds back on Pittsburgh not to let me down, so that I could finish the 4 part series.  Needless to say, it was a sure thing.

                After being on for a little under 3 weeks I was bombarded with messages as usual.  The difference between this time around based on others, were the slight bit of the desperate tones rather than perverted ones.  Then it dawned on me... It's January crunch time.  Let me explain what that means.  When people that have been single for anywhere from 1-3 years survive another New Years eve alone, they instantly convince themselves that the upcoming year is going to be their year to find love.  With that being said, the entire month of January consists of constant searching and relentless positivity to find a date in time for Valentine's Day, which in turn satisfies not only their personal hunger to not feel lonely or pathetic, but also to give a good story to their married/taken friends to shut them up when they start going on about how great their Valentine's day with a significant other was.  Fortunately for me, after you hit the 4 and then 5 year point of being single, you tend to give not give a  flying fuck about all things Valentine's Day.  Here are some of the slightly desperate messages that I received from men in "January crunch time."

1/4/2012 7:00:26 PM

Hi how are u doing tonight am Ron and ur really cute

1/16/2012 3:59:30 PM

Does distance bother u

1/22/2012 10:11:15 AM

Hi how are u doing so far today am ron

Dear Ron:

                I see that POF hasn't been working for you.  Are you still proudly living in your parents attic because you got kicked out of your apartment in FL? (if you don't remember Ron, he's is from this blog: Nov 14th blog ) If I had to estimate, this is probably the 18th message you have sent me during my POF career.  Apparently I gave you too much credit in thinking that after the 5th message you sent to me that I didn't engage with a response, that you were smart enough to figure out I was not interested.  Clearly, you are not only a complete idiot, but you are also extremely desperate.  You even go as far as to message me while I'm living in Seaside Heights with "Does distance bother u."   If I ignored you while living in Pittsburgh, do you really think that when I imaginarily moved out of state I had an epiphany that  I should date you?  One day, when your balls drop and you become a man and not a needy bitch, still don't contact me.  Please let any dream relationship you may think you're going to have with me die, just like your dignity. 

1/20/2012 11:21:05 PM

You are you so pretty and you have the most beautiful smile I have ever seen.. With that charming face and beautifully deep eyes I must
say you are a perfect 10. To tell you the truth I was defenseless against the beauty of your face and your elegant personality so was forced to write to you.

1/23/2012 12:39:49 PM

You should give miss universe pageant a try:::and u can win in 3 categories
1: Girl with the most beautiful smile award
2 Girl with the gorgeous pair of eyes award
3: the prettiest hair award!!!!

Dear Prince Charming:

                I'm glad you are defenseless against my beauty and you think I have an elegant personality, I'm so excited to share the feelings that you have unlocked from my heart.  Miss Universe pageant, ok now we are taking it a bit far in to corny town.   I get that you are too busy jerking off while watching the pageant to pay attention to the actual categories, but come on now.  You sound like a high school yearbook, not a human being.  Where I appreciate the occasional compliment such as "wow you look skinny today," or "you are gorgeous,"  if I needed a confidence booster I would much rather walk around with an IV hookup of Vodka than listen to you go rambling on and on.  I would not be surprised if you wanted to recreate the naked art scene from Titanic.  The poetic words you write in your first message, lead me to believe that you are an avid dungeons and dragons player, and believe that I am a damsel in distress.  Unfortunately, rather than having a prince wrapped in tinfoil and riding in to the sunset on a donkey, I think I'll pass and wait for a drunk encounter where the guy is a sober Pittsburgh 6 and a drunk Pittsburgh 10. 

1/17/2012 11:44:58 AM

hello im greg. saw your profile and would love to get to know you a little better. you seem like you enjoy life and id like to think that i always try to be positive in life and things to do. i try to make the best of everything. i work in sales so there plenty of ups and downs. where are you an activities director at? anyway just a quick hello to say check out my profile and hope to hear from you. greg

1/18/2012 10:48:21 PM

hello shelby..so i saw you checked my profile and was just wondering why you didnt message me so i have a few multiple choices answers...
a. you didnt like the fact that i wrote about star wars
b. you find fedoras out of style
c. you meant to but got tied up with work projects
d. you think i might be too old and a fuddy duddy
please choose one of the above and ill let you know how your answer fairs. hope to hear from

Dear Greg:

E - All of the above.  A. The fact that you wrote about Star Wars doesn't make you a loser, I quite enjoyed the movies.  The fact that I didn't bother reading your profile, and your willingness to admit you mention Star Wars in your profile is what screams instant vagina repellant.  I instinctively picture you pretending that you think your penis is a light saber.  B.  Yes, fedoras are out of style.  Fedoras are for Kevin Federline wannabes and for the 9 out of 10 men that suffer from Male Pattern Baldness to wear tricking people in to thinking they are stylish and not balding.   The remaining 10% of men that find fedoras stylish are pompous douche bags that frequent Lawrenceville and Shadyside bars and enjoy sniffing the smell of their own farts.  C.  No really, I meant to 100% completely ignore you.  I hadn't responded to your first message in 36 hours before the next one came.  I'm in marketing, I'm not a doctor that works a 36 hour straight shift.  D.  Where you are a bit older than me (let's just say while I was in diapers, you discovered internet porn via dial up connection), it's not that an older man deters me...It's an older man that mentions Star Wars in a dating website profile and fedoras cool, and uses the term "Fuddy Duddy," that deters me. 

1/16/2012 6:24:10 PM

I need an independent woman that's secure within herself.
Is this you?
I'm spontaneous and I'm independent.
I'm competitive,confident,consistent and money motivated.
I'll treat you like a queen.
Do you think I'm a handsome guy?
I love the way you look.
If you don't want me to text anymore, please say so.

Dear T-Money -

                You sound like a terrible job posting on Craigslist.  When you mention being consistent, does this mean that you pay your bills on time?  You made it quite clear you had no intentions of paying mine since  you're trying to find someone as independent as yourself, so I was just curious to see if you were going to elaborate with your credit score next.  I'm not exactly sure what you mean when you say "secure within herself."  Are you asking me if I have high self esteem or if my boobs are big enough to secure as flotation devices in case of an airplane related emergency?  Being that you use the word independent in 2 different contexts, it leads me to believe that your version of treating a girl like a queen would be convincing her in to thinking that paying half of the bill is empowering, or being allowed to order anything off the dollar menu at McDonalds, your treat.  Where your pictures were quite decent, I find the diarrhea spewing out of your mouth repulsive.   I am shocked you did not end this message with a "Do you like me, please check one  _____yes     ______no."  I'm glad you are ok with not "texting" me anymore, considering you emailed me dumbass.  Clearly you are using the POF app on your phone, which is more desperate than scouting a dog park for blind chicks. 

1/4/2012 5:52:59 PM

I really think we would make an awesome couple, i really like everything so far in your profile and would really
like to take or meet you somewhere nice, maybe station square in pittsburgh :-) :-) :-)

1/17/2012 4:28:15 Pl

You seem like quite an amazing young woman, i am a mature man, i certainly would love to talk to you and
have wonderful conversations. I have no tattoos but i am in a proffessional field. I think you have very
attractive pictures and really do want to know you so if you dont mind taking a chance and rolling the dice a
bit....i would love to make your aquaintance

1/18/2012 12:39:42 PM

Hey Shelby just wanted to saywhats up and was hoping that we can get together soon, i wanna be able to find
a great gal and im hoping you are her

Dear Mr. Maturity -

                Do you have a brother named Ron?  I feel as if you do, because like him, this is probably the 20th message you have sent to me, even when I had moved to Seaside Heights and still have yet to respond.  Clearly you have never heard the term "Beating a dead horse" because you are the one that it was coined after.  You wanted to take me to Station Square, in Pittsburgh, when I was pretending to live in NJ.  I don't know what's funnier, the idea that I would be up for a date with you, or the fact that you consider any Station Square restaurants to be an impressive first date.  You seem to forget that I have lived in Pittsburgh my whole life, meaning I have dined at every Station Square location at least 5 times in my life, and have probably puked in every bar's bathroom at least once.  Considering I have 3 tattoos in places which you will never be lucky enough to see, I find it hysterical that you compare them to professionalism.  I get that craps does have the best player advantage in a casino, however rolling the dice with you and your needy ass, would be about as painful as a wooden dildo.  We will not be getting together any time soon, on any day, in any life.  If I do happen to run in to you at Station Square sometime, I will be sure to throw myself in front of the nearest moving vehicle to prevent any social interaction with you.

1/16/2012 10:10:44 PM

what's up how are you doing? came across ur profile and pic and would like to get to know more about you. I'm a genuine,caring,honest fun guy,don't smoke or do drugs,have a job,place,and car. like to do a lot of indoor and outdoor activities as well as jst chill and cuddle in. but hope u find interest and get back to me and let me know what u think either way.

1/18/2012 3:42:00 PM

what's up how are you this cold day,and how the guys been treating you off here.

1/19/2012 7:16:33 PM

thanx for viewing me but u didn't get back to me lol,I'm sorry bout that but I think we met before at Robinson mall way back with ur friend I def wanted to talk to you since the first time I seen u would like to get to know you.hope u get back u won't regret it,I'm fun and real and not fake.

Dear Bleeding Heart -

                Three messages, in 4 days with no response?  Did you think that by remaining to contact me that you would eventually say something that I would find interesting?  I think it is great that you are an active guy, but your description of what interests you sounds about as meaningless to me as instructions in Spanish.  How would anyone find you interesting, considering everything you mention is what everyone on the planet enjoys.  I will give you credit on the "I have met you before card."  I like to use that line as well, when I was 24 and craving the attention of someone who was clearly not interested in me. You keep trying to convince me, as well as yourself that you are fun.  You sound about as fun as an extreme knitting contest.   If we met in Robinson all those years ago, how come I do not remember meeting you, and clearly if I did meet you, we would of talked that day, and if you were there to meet my friend, that makes you a bit scandalous.  I don't think you could be fake if you tried to be, you lack any kind of excitement in your life, that even your own dick probably doesn't even get excited to see your right hand. 

Keeping it Real

-Shelby