Monday, April 9, 2012

Speeddate.com - A chalk full of fucking weirdo's

            In a desperate attempt to capitalize on the lonely at heart, some genius decided to develop a dating website that allows you to communicate for free with people for 5 minutes (unless you are dumb enough to pay for a subscription, then you get more time) similar to a speed dating session. You also get the option to send 1 message to someone, to which if they respond, you must subscribe to read.   I have never been an advocate that singles should ever have to pay to communicate with potential partners, however  I decided to check this site out to see how legit it actually was.

            The problem with this site is that just about anyone from all walks of life and all areas of the planet can message you.  After having a drunken St. Patrick's day revelation paired with almost a year of yearning for someone who lives out of state, I realized falling for/chasing anyone that lives outside of an hour radius of you is about as useless as a limp dick.  Yet on this site, it is chalk full of people that are hopeful that some stupid girl will travel to the ends of the earth for love.  I would not be surprised if the ID channel had enough material based on this website to create an entire series based on hopelessly romantic people that actually have traveled out of state to meet people "offline".

            I would now care to share with you some of the messages that I received from this website, proving yet again, another website that is an epic fail in connecting normal singles to one another.



63/M/Baltimore, MD

would Love to get to know you better.



Dear Gramps:

            It's not your message that creeped me out, it was simply the fact that you seem to think I have some sort of "Anna Nicole" look about me, which if anything is quite insulting.  You have officially became the oldest man to message me on a dating website.  Not that this is much of an accomplishment, I will say I am quite impressed that: 1. You actually know how to use a computer without the help of your immediate family members, 2. You managed to upload a picture of yourself showcasing how many wars you have witnessed and 3. You still have big, (yet I don't want to imagine how wrinkly they are) balls to message someone who is old enough to be your daughter.  I'm sorry that things at the senior center are not working for you when it comes to finding you a partner that you can share the rest of your short life with, but where manthers preying on girl my age are terrible, grandmathers preying on girls my age are just terrifying.  I'm sure that in your search you will find some young dumb gold digging tramp that will bite and take full advantage of your pension and manipulate you to change your will, however where I have very loose morals to begin with, I'd much rather take my chances sleeping  with a guy that can't get it up due to alcohol consumption, rather than can't get it up without the usage of Viagra. 



21/M/Brandford Canada

Hey, what color underwear are you wearing?

Dear Polly Panty -

            I'm glad that with all that is wrong with the world, your focus is not my stance on the homeless, world peace, or birth control - your inquiring mind wants to know what color underwear I am wearing.  I can understand why you resort to online dating to meet women.  Clearly, this line has probably gotten you smacked in the face, kicked in the nuts and/or resulted in a pepper spraying incident when you tried it at the bar.  At what point did you think it would be good to try it on a dating website?  Idolizing Glenn Quagmire is not a positive life goal.   I don't know if Canadian women are just that easy, dumb or desperate, but in the US, that line wouldn't even work on a Hill District prostitute.  I had a friend who dated a guy that she caught sniffing her underwear, I can only imagine that you are a distant relative of his.  You may want to consider your sexuality, considering you may be the only "straight" guy on this planet that is concerned if I color coordinate undergarments.  It makes me wonder, if I would of replied "what is underwear" if you would of instantly nutted in your pants, or if your dong would of inverted back in to your stomach. 





19/M/Churchill, NY

hey sëxy, do you want a young online sëx slave???

Dear Mr. Slave -

    I'm not seeing the benefit to having a young online sex slave.  1. You are 19 years old, if I wanted something with tiny nuts that needed trained, I'd much rather invest in a baby squirrel.  The fact that you are so young, and offering up your penis to me on a cyber plate, leads me to think that you have more mental issues than the cracked out version of Charlie Sheen.  I must have missed the memo that cyber sex was cool again?  I am intrigued as to how you would be my slave via a computer.  Would that mean you would try to stick your dick in the webcam?  Or would you stroke your mouse in a sexual way while licking a lollypop?  I'm still not seeing how this would be beneficial.  Where it would be quite entertaining to see what exactly outrageous, demoralizing things I would make you do, watching a baseball player scratch his balls is more of a turn on.  I think you will have better luck finding a dominant on Chat Roulette. I have better things to do with my life and with my vibrator than waste any AA's on this conversation.



42/M/Johnstown, PA

hello Shelby, I must confress, your profile has really captured my attention and i will love to share in the joy of your life, in fact i want to get to know you if you don't mind. I will be glad if we get to know each other and become friends. You never know we could become the success story as in good couples. I want to fine someone to be in good relationship with that right person. Love is not about finding a person, but creating a right relationship. It's not about how much love you have in the beginning, but how much love you buid till the end. A relationship is a two way street. It's never all your fault or the other person. If your are interested...... Send back so we can learn to know each other. Hope to hear from you soon.

Dear Sammy Sensitive -

    I'm sad for you that you are 42 years old and your balls still have yet to drop.  I get that since you are a bit older than me, that you may have more worldly knowledge, however with all the bullshit about love that you wrote in this message, and the fact that you are on an online dating website looking for it, leads me to believe that you do not know your ass from a hole in the ground.  Watching the Lifetime network every chance you get will not help you find "the one", nor will it help you better understand what women want.  It sounds to me like you want to be featured on an episode of "A Wedding Story."   It's clear you have never been married, because where a relationship may be a "2 way street", a marriage is a mutiny.    Once you get married, as a male, all of your opinions are invalid and you are always wrong, and sex is withheld until you realize it's her way or the highway.  Just like there is no crying in baseball, there is no reasoning in marriage.  I learned at 18 that fairy tales don't  exists, does Disney need to make a happy endingless fairy tale just for you to get the point?



33/Pittsburgh, PA

well to be fair to all of the men, you make it difficult to not think about sex the way you fill those jeans. :) How you doin?

Dear Dr. Douche

      Well to be fair to all women, do you really think I'm going to engage in any conversation with you considering you use the terms "fill those jeans" and "sex" in the same sentence.  Your about as smooth as a rock garden.   From 2 sentences I have already decided that you are 1 of 2 types of guys.  Type #1: Below average looking guy that thinks he's hotter than what he is due to surrounding himself with women that have already rejected him but keep them as "best friends".   You keep these girls around to boost your ego so that when you talk to women online (which is your only means of communicating with them), you feel confident in saying, "well my girl friends think I'm attractive. This leads you to believe that you do not in fact come off like a total creeper but a "cute" guy because you have "friends" lying to you to give you a sense of false confidence.  Type #2:  You got a lot of tail in your hay day and are realizing that you are getting older, less attractive and 18 year old girls aren't in to you as much as they used to be.    You nonchalant try to play off sexual innuendos with the hopes that it will come off as a compliment, not knowing that it makes you look weird and unknowingly showcases your ass fetish.  Your track record probably consists of girls that are butter faces, because you are at the point in your life where you are so lonely and desperate that you will stick it in any available hole that walks your way. 



19/M/Joliet, IL

aye:)

        

Dear Captain Ghetto-

     Judging by the 1 profile picture that you have posted that shows your backwards hat, well trimmed facial hair and tattoo on your neck, I'm going to guess that you are either culturally confused or your profession as a wigger pirate isn't getting you anywhere at all with the wenches.    Fortunately for you, you have time to 1. Go to college, 2. grow out of your Fubu wearing, West Coast rapper stage and 3. Make English your primary language and make Pirate Ebonics a hobby.  Where it may have been cool when I was 18 years old, the thrill of that is gone.  The only gangster in my life involves rap music on my Ipod.  The lame smiley face you put after your one word introduction leads me to believe that you probably think you are being cute when in reality it should be a crime worthy of firing squad.  I'm sure you think running the drug operation out of the Burger King that you work at may make you cool, but it really just makes you look pathetic.  Since you must be 18 to be on Speedate, maybe you should cancel your membership and go trolling the local malls for a 16 year old girl with daddy issues. Being that you are of legal age, you can be their parental escort to see the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie where you can "spit some game" and compare your life to that of Johnny Depp's imaginary character. 



38/M/Sewickley, PA

I want to put my cock in your mouth

Dear Dicky Do Da -

            Wow you are quite the class act.  Let me put it this way friend, you can want in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets filled up first.  Maybe instead of relying on you porn fantasies and internet dating sites, you should stick to what you know best: hookers and strip clubs.  You clearly suffer from an extreme case of "cock envy" where you think that every girl with a mouth wants your potentially diseased dick in it.  My only curiosity to see your penis would be to witness how much skin you have rubbed off it from jacking off to one too many lipstick commercials, because I'm going to assume you don't get out much.  You would be better off setting up a glory hole in a women's rest top on route 79 than attempting to romance a female.  You are probably single because any relationship that you have had, rather than presents on holidays you probably tied a ribbon around your cock and considered it a "gift".  Where I understand that a blow job is the sentimental equivalent of receiving flowers and clearly you put your penis on a pedestal, I am sure there is a girl out there that find this appealing and allow you to put your cock in her mouth.   I also hope that she rakes the hell out of it, draws blood, and you scream like a little bitch, or you get herpes...I'd be ok with either outcome. 



Keeping it real -

Shelby

7 comments:

  1. Are there really glory holes on 79?!?!

    Haha i had to!

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    2. No, she's just sharing her experiences of the tool bags she's encountered. I mean, seriously, read the posts. How can you say that men aren't making themselves look bad?? She's just airing it out. Which, by the way, is hilarious!

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  4. I personally think that you "anonymous" posters have only been rejected by Shelby or are one of the tool bags that she is making fun of! This is for entertainment purposes so pull your heads out of your ass!!

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