I have been blessed to have a circle
of friends that I have remained close to for over a decade. Not only have they witnessed the Pre-21
version of myself, the have also witnessed the post-21 year old version. The stories that I get to tell their children
about will make for life changing experiences for them. If I ever have children of my own...well then
my kids are really in for it.
These are stories by some of my
closest friends retell their own personal experiences with the drunken Shelby
Beast.
3th
of July - retold by Niki
Every year, my dad would throw a 4th
of July party at his house. This was the
first 4th of July that I had spent with Shelby and the girls. I invited everyone over to watch fireworks,
drink, but more importantly have a slumber party because we all had planned on
going to a Pirate Game the next day. My
dad bought us a keg of what I thought was Miller Light (and I had told everyone
it was Miller Light) only finding out later that it was in fact Budweiser. With the party in full swing, and the sun
going down, we all started playing beer pong, drinking and laughing while we
patiently awaited the firework spectacular that lit up the Ambridge sky. My grandparents had made the trip from
Cleveland to spend some time with us, and this was their first encounter
meeting all of the girls. After several
games of beer pong, my brother had the brilliant idea to start doing keg stands
in to which Shelby was first in line. It
was a memorable moment for her, because this was not only her first keg stand,
but it would also be her last. From what
I saw, she found keg stands to be fun, and insisted that she kept on doing
them. At last I remember she was on her
3rd one when she was starting to get bored.
There was a rumor going around that
nearby there was a house party that was being hosted by a local guy who had
been recently been signed to the Pirates, and that other players would be
there. Being too drunk to function,
Shelby decided to stay at the house while a bulk of the party left to check it
out. At this point most of the girls
were passed out. The last ones standing
where myself and Shelby. It was at that
point that she decided she wanted to sit down with my grandparents and
chat. Sitting at our round picnic table,
Me, Shelby, My Father and my grandparents started bullshitting. That's when I witnessed the most unique and
first hysterical Shelby drunk moment.
While in the middle of a heartfelt conversation with my family members,
Shelby puked mid sentence...at the table...right in front of my grandparents
and father. Her drunken senses told her
rather than to get up to puke, she proceeded to attempt to catch it with her hands,
at the table. The worst part of all,
after she puked, she sat there, and kept on talking as if nothing
happened. When asked to clean herself
up, she declined and just kept right on talking.
The next day, we all were hung over
and miserable. We attempted to pull
ourselves together and went to the Pirate Game.
If you can imagine 6 hung over girls, sitting in direct sunlight during
a 90 degree game, you can only imagine that irritation levels were high. Everyone was at each other's throats, so in
an effort to protect our friendships we decided to split up. Lam, Me and Shelby ended up at Station Square
to watch fireworks. Lam wanted to meet
up with a guy she was seeing at the time.
When we got to Station Square, out of nowhere Shelby's face turned as
white as a ghost. Not saying a word, she
walked over to a flower bush (In the middle of Station Square) and did what she
will later coin as a "Walk By Puking." Convincing herself she felt much better, we
found our spots close to the river and patiently awaited the firework
show. It was at this point Shelby's face
turned pale again, and we knew what was coming at this point, but was less
casual about it. She proceeded to sit
down on the ground Indian style, and with a group of 30ish people around started
puking again, right next to where she was sitting. The amazing part of all, was only Lam and
myself knew what was going on. It was so
quiet and fast, that people walking by would ask her if that was her puke, to
which she would look at them with a stone cold stare and lie her ass off telling
them, "No, this is not my puke, I just noticed it when I sat down, who
would do this?"
Hey
Guys - I think I lost my contact - retold by Tonya
During our early 20s, me and the
girls discovered a club in WV called the Coliseum. PA had recently passed a law not allowing
clubs to be 18 and over (and serve alcohol), so WV was the only place that we
all could hang out, since Shelby was the only one that was 21 at the time.
It was the middle of winter, and for
whatever reason, Shelby decided to wear an all white outfit. Looking as if she came straight out of
studio 54, we hopped in the car and made our way down to the club. Shelby should of known that wearing all white
would result in non angelic things to happen to her.
Since Shelby was the only one of
legal drinking age, there was a span of about a year where we were her
professional baby sitters. This night,
we got our money's worth.
The night started out pretty
normal. We arrived at the club, late as
usual, only leaving Shelby with about a 30 minute window on the $2 you call it
drink special. This was during the time
before she discovered Vodka, and was on a Sex on the Beach kick. Knowing what I know now, I should of kicked
the bartenders ass that allowed her to purchase 10 drinks at 1 time. Looking at her as if she was absolutely
fucking nuts, she proceeds to chug ALL 10 drinks, back to back, trying to
convince us that "She needs to get a buzz." 1 hour later, she is stumbling around the
dance floor attempting to dance sexy, which in reality she looked as if she was
having a seizure. It was at this point,
Shelby shuffles her way over to me and asks me to go to the bathroom with her
to pee. Due to her vision problems, her
doctor had prescribed her with hard contact lenses, which used to cut off the
circulation to her eyes, causing her to appear stoned 98% of the time. As we make our way to the bathroom, Shelby
looks at me and says, "T-bird, I think i'm gonna puke." Rushing her in to the stall, she then bends
down and starts projectile vomiting.
With tears pouring down her face, she wipes the vomit from her mouth and
looks up at me and says, "Oh Shit Tonya, I think I lost my
contact." She then attempts to
stand up a little while swaying, and proceeds to stick her finger in the toilet,
mistaking her vomit bubbles for her tiny plastic contact. Not having any luck what so ever after
fishing for 5 min, she then says "Fuck it", washes her hands, pops a
piece of gum and leaves.
An hour later, she realized that it
was in her eye the whole time, just not where it should of been. It was getting late, and she was getting to
the point of being a public nuisance, so we made the executive decision to
leave. As we were walking out of the
club, with one of us on each of her arms, Shelby gets to the last step when she
slips on a patch of ice and falls on her ass.
As we helped her up, one of the girls who was behind her starts laughing
uncontrollably. Thinking that it was
because she fell, the girl then proceeds to point at the 7 inch rip in Shelby's
pants that started at her crotch and went half way down her leg, exposing her
bare ass. With all of us with tears in
our eyes laughing so hard, we threw Shelby in to the car, and almost pissed
ourselves laughing the whole way home.
Cupcake
Raping - retold by Maria
It was Shelby's 26th birthday. I decided to make her these cute cupcakes
that were baked in to Ice Cream cones rather than getting her a cake because
she was feeling kinda down about being single on her birthday. As we waiting for the girls to arrive, Shelby
was so excited about these cupcakes so that made me feel good. Once the girls showed up, and Shelby all
hookered up, we headed down to our favorite place, Jimmy D's. This was a normal Shelby birthday, that
consisted of many shots, drinks, Niki holding Shelby up while she dances, her
screaming inappropriate things to guys, and most importantly telling just about
everyone at the bar that it was her Birthday.
We have come to call Shelby the "Birthday Nazi" over the years
because she is very specific as to how she wants things. She actually assigns all of us gifts to
ensure she gets what she wants, and sends out save the dates 3 months in
advance making sure we have no excuse not to miss it.
Being a typical birthday for her, I never know
what to expect. I'm not sure if it was
because she hadn't gotten laid in a while, or if she was just in one of her
moods, but upon entry to my apartment, she b-lined straight for the
cupcakes. As everyone was walking in the
door, a horrified look fell upon both of our faces. Out of nowhere, Shelby decided to demonstrate
to us her "giving head technique" on this cupcake. At this point, we all are dying of laughter,
and convinced Shelby to do a "sexy cupcake" photo shoot. The pictures, which will only be made visible
to the public unless she becomes a celebrity, showed Shelby in a form that can
only be described as WTF. After having
our fun, one of us convinced her to change in to her pjs.
The bathroom door flies open, and
out walks Shelby, in her pjs, with her red, black and white striped thong
pulled up to her shoulders and quoting scenes from Borat. As she paraded around my apartment like this,
I honestly don't think she realized how stupid she looked, but it really didn't
matter because we were all too busy laughing and taking pictures to notice.
The next morning, with no
recollection of anything from the night before we showed her the pictures. It takes a lot to embarrass Shelby, but after
viewing these pictures even though she was laughing, I think she was absolutely
mortified that these could potentially end up online. Knowing we would never do that to her, they
now only serve as blackmail, in case she ever gets famous :)
You're
not in the bathroom, Shelby - Retold by Lam
One random night, Shelby and I
decided to go bar hopping in downtown Monaca.
What started as a night of casual night of drinking turned in to both of
us getting shitfaced, sitting on the "steps" downtown at 2 am,
waiting for my mom to come pick us up.
Practically being a part of my family, Shelby spending the night was
nothing new. As Shelby and I came
stumbling through the door, we tried quietly to sneak in to my bedroom where my
sister, Maria (who wasn't 21 at the time) was sleeping peacefully.
Not being quiet at all, Shelby and I
stumbled in to Maria and I's shared bedroom and crawled in to my twin bed
together, and started to pass out. I
couldn't figure out if I was half asleep, or dreaming, but I remember hearing
the sound of running water very close to me.
Slowly sobering up, I woke up to see a horrific sight. Shelby, had popped a squat in the corner of
my bedroom and was peeing on the carpet.
Trying not to wake up Maria, I tried as quietly as I could to ask her,
"What the hell are you doing?"
Shelby's slurred response was, "I'm in the bathroom peeing,
Lam." Disgusted and confused I
raised my voice and said, "Um, Shelby, you are not in the bathroom, your
pissing on my bedroom floor." Her
response? "No I'm not." To add
insult to injury, Shelby, after relieving herself on my bedroom floor, then
proceeded to crawl back in to bed with me....with no pants on. Freaked out and disgusted, I made the
executive decision to go sleep on the couch and let her have the bed. The next morning, with no memory of what had
happened, Shelby left before I could tell her.
I later called her to inform her that my mother had to scrub the carpet
on her hands and knees to rid the room of the mess that she had made. She was close to my mom, so she was slightly
embarrassed to come to my house for a while after that.
Greek
Night - retold by Leah
It was the weekend before Shelby's
21st birthday. We had met each other
while working at a local country club and became fast friends. She introduced me to all of her friends early
on, and eventually I became one of the group.
She had always talked about how much fun she had at Greek Nights
(because they would serve you regardless of age), so when the opportunity to
attend one the night before Thanksgiving occurred, I was all for it.
The Greek Night took place in
Pittsburgh, so me, Shelby, and the Greeks hopped in the car and started our
adventure to Pittsburgh. We arrived at
this whole in the wall place on East Carson that was full of people talking in
a language I didn't know. I felt like I
was in a foreign film. Not believing
that it was ok to drink, I waited and watched to see if the rumor was true. Sure enough, we all got served right
away. As we all were standing around
chatting, Shelby went to the bar to get another round when she ran in to an old
friend. As they were standing at the
bar, they started doing shots. What I
thought was going to be one shot and she would come back, it turned in to her
and this guy doing several shots back to back.
I knew this was going to be a disaster.
After a failed attempt at trying to learn how to Greek dance, Shelby
asked me if I would like to join her going to the bathroom. I wish I would of said no...
When we walked in to the 1 seater
bathroom and locked ourselves in, I peed first.
Shelby, standing upright, slightly swaying was pressuring me to hurry
up. The next thing I know, she makes a
b-line for the sink, and vomits.
Fortunately I was already on the toilet, so I didn't have to worry about
peeing my pants in laughter, but after she gets done she goes to stand up and
manages to hit her head off the paper towel dispenser that was oddly positioned
above the sink, knocking it off the wall.
At this point she has to pee. She
sits down with her head between her legs and goes. Forgetting to pull up her pants, she calls
out for me. When I opened the door,
there is Shelby, standing in the stall with her pants around her knees, whining
because she can't get her pants back on.
Feeling as if I am dealing with a child with special needs, I helped her
pull up and button her pants so she can look reasonably presentable. Attempting to grab the door handle to make
our way back out to the bar, she completely missed and ran straight in to the
garbage can that was next to the door, knocking it over completely. It was at this point that I realized we
needed to leave, with me worrying what she was capable of doing next. We then headed back to another Greek girls
apartment in Oakland for an after party. Shelby who at this point was nearly passed
out, refused to go inside, so we left her in the car to sleep. 30 minutes later I walk outside to check on
her, only to find out that she is gone.
She had disappeared. Freaking
out, I ran back in to the party to tell everyone that she was MIA. Concerned and not sure what to do, we started
calling her phone, which happened to be dead.
Thankfully, another friend of ours, who was also going to the after
party, spotted Shelby's drunk passed out ass in the Mini Van, woke her up, and
drove her back to her parents house. 1
week later, Shelby officially turned 21, and vowed never to get drunk the night
before Thanksgiving ever again.
-Keeping It Real
Shelby
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