One Random Friday Night - An All Access Pass

                For those of you that don't know this, I am an avid gambler.  Where I have had many debates with people that slot machines are not considered gambling, I find slot machines to be therapeutic and entertaining, when I'm winning at least.  When I'm losing and in the red I tend to question religion while repeating over and over again "I hate my life." Sometimes, I will go alone, because most of my friends find me intolerable at casinos due to the fact that I can potentially spend hours there if I'm winning, however Maria is always a trooper and personal cheerleader for me at all times, and even when I know she wants to leave she sticks it out.

                The time had come, I had made a full proof plan to go to the casino.  Prior to even showering, I receive a text from Maria that states "Do me a favor and dress like a slut."  When your best friend tells you to dress like a slut, you do not question her motives, you just do it.  I had this dress that I had been dying to wear, and considering I haven't had an actual date (that involves dinner and or non alcoholic activity) in quite some time, I decided to get all dolled up to go to the casino, just like one would in Vegas considering this was my big night out. 

                All dolled up, feeling pretty good I arrived at the casino and headed to the bar to wait for Maria to arrive.  We then proceeded to walk the entire parameter, gambling, laughing and having a good time.  It was about 10:30 and I was already down about $140 bucks.  I decided to make my second trip to the ATM, so that I could save myself the trip later when I needed to get gas.  It was at that point I decided to make a desperate attempt to win all of my money back, and decided to put 1 last $20 in to a penny machine.  I used to believe in fate and destiny and all that bullshit, but with the lack of luck in both gambling and love in my life, me losing my original $140 should of been a sign telling me to just stop, but not Shelby...

                 Maria, like a good friend sat down next to me to watch.  Out of the corner of my eye, I see this guy look at Maria and I, do a double take, start to walk away and as if a light bulb went off in his head, turn around and walked up to us.   I was still in the "Don't talk to me i'm gambling zone", so I knew he was talking to Maria but I wasn't really paying attention.  As I turned around to get a better look at this guy, he was clean cut, short hair wearing a button down polo and jeans, but his slight drunken slur was an indicator that his veins were flowing with liquid courage.  He had his attention focused on Maria, so when I had fully turned around to check things out, boy did I get the shock of my life...

                Upon turning around he directed his attention towards me and that's when I noticed that 5 of the 7 teeth that are visible while smiling were rotting and quite possibly growing fur.   His smile looked like a place where even decay goes to just die.    Dealbreaker.. I don't expect someone to have perfectly straight pearly whites, however when someone's teeth are rotted to the point where they remind you of moldy bread, that's just not how I roll.  Once I noticed this, I immediately tried to remove myself from the conversation and continue back on trying to win my money.  Not paying attention to what was going on, he starts talking to me and I am paying attention to every third word, while my back is turned.  He is invading my personal area, almost whispering in my ear holding his beer very close to my head.  The stench of death and Coors Light breezed past my nose, causing me to gag a little bit.  I would say he was about a 6 or 7 on the drunk scale.  It was at that point he asked us if we were single.  Me not paying attention to the fact that Maria clearly stated that she was not single rather than mumbling like she normally does,  like clockwork I replied "Yes."  It was at this point that he got really excited and asked Maria where we were going after the casino.  I slowly started to get in to the "Shelby Zone" and started lying saying we were heading to the South Side. 

                He then asked how old we were, to which I responded "30".  I figure I may as well start rounding up and accepting my fate, rather than being shocked and depressed by it later.  He must of been super excited to meet a 30 year old, because rather than just speaking his age to us, he decided to pull out his ID to show us how old he was.  Being too drunk to notice, he hands me his Access Card, in which his ID is sticking to the bottom of it. 

                For those of you that do not know what an access card is, it is a debit card issued by the PA government to give people that qualify for it additional funds to be used for groceries.  Unfortunately, where there are many people that use it for legitimate reasons such as feeding their families during times in a rough economy,  there are other people that have found loopholes in the system and use this money to purchase drugs, clothing, and cigarettes, just to name a few things.  If you don't believe me, take a trip down to any grocery store during the first of the month... Where I don't mind getting taxed to support those who legitimately need it, I do have a problem with my tax money supporting someone's drug/nicotine habit as well as supporting an access card holders clubbin' wardrobe.

Now back to the story...

                 Maria sees the Access Card instantly, where it didn't dawn on me for a good 5 minutes as to what had happened.  Maria then takes his ID to look at his name.  While she is doing this he tells us that he is in his late 30s and then asks me to stand up and do a "turn for him" so he could take a better look at me, as if I was a fucking display piece.   Pissed off and irritated I replied, "No, I don't think so,"  and I continue gambling.  After me denying his request for me to "do a turn for him" he begins rambling about how he has hit a rough patch in his life and that he is in the process of getting it back together and getting his life back on track.  Immediately following this inspirational rant, he then asks Maria and I if we smoke weed, cigarettes and/or drink.  I knew where this was going.  Gambling can wait, game on.  He then proceeds to start bragging about how used to make 30k in 2 days, but now he is doing "legit" work.  I replied, "Let me guess you were dealing drugs?" to which he replied, "Yeah but I got caught so now I'm straight"  with no hint of shame whatsoever.  While I am unwillingly entertaining the former drug dealer, unknown to me, Maria is running his name in the Allegheny County Criminal Database. 

                It was at this point that I had enough of this conversation.  Not even the 16 year old version of myself would of found this guy impressive.  With Maria glued to her phone reading his criminal background history, I squirm out of my chair and encouraged her to leave.  Still breathing down my neck, leaving me little to no room to get out of my seat without head butting him, he takes one look at me and says, "You are absolutely stunning, let's get married. Seriously, I would marry you in a heartbeat."  Normally, comments like this would make a girl feel flattered and happy, where in this scenario, it made me want to stab my ear drums with the closest sharp object I could find.  It was at this point that he revisited the "Let's meet up in the South Side later" and a "let me get your number."  I figured I was already in too deep to just say no to giving him my number.  Unfortunately for me, I had already given him my real name, but that soon changed.  As he swayed handing me his phone, I decided that it would be cruel for me to give him the rejection hotline number.  I decided that since he was trying to get his life back on track, I would give him the number to a Christian Limo service, with the hopes that it would help him find God in some way or at least a ride home. I reintroduced myself to him as "Anna" and put the fake number in to his phone, he asked me 4 times if I was giving him a fake, to which I replied no.  Being a drunken rain man apparently, and thinking he could outsmart me, he decided to call the number in front of me.  The smartest thing I ever could of done was zipper up my purse with my phone in it, while this conversation was in its infancy and I was worried that I was going to get pick pocketed.    As he unknowingly called the Christian Limo service, I put my hand on my purse and told him that my phone was vibrating.  Again going on about how he messed up his life, and needs something good in it, I looked at him dead in the eye, put my hand on his shoulder to maintain a safe distance away from any rouge tooth decay that may fly out of his mouth at any given second and said, "Look, I'm 30 years old.  I need someone with their shit together.  Why don't you get a real job, get your shit straight and then give me a call."  To which he responded, "I'll give you a call next week."  Part of me wanted to debate the fact that one could get their life back together so quickly in a week, I took the high road and said, "I'm a real woman, looking for a real man, I think you need more time than a week."  He assured me a week was all he needed, so I replied, "Ok then I guess I will talk to you in a week." I take off practically running in the opposite direction, as Maria is still standing there attached to her phone with a huge shit eating grin on her face.

                Still trying to wrap my head around what had just occurred, I continued gambling.  Maria, still glued to her phone and unable to look at me with a straight face decided it was about time to spill the beans on this guy.  As she started reading off his criminal history with charges such as: Drug Possession with intent to deliver, assault and battery, there were also 2 charges that we had to look up because we were unclear on what they were.  One was indecent sexual assault, and then there was my favorite, prostitution while incarcerated...in a men's prison. 

                I'm not sure if it was the entire situation, the criminal charges, or the expression on my face as she was reading them to me, because it was at that point that Maria burst out in to uncontrollable laughter.  It took me about an hour to wrap my head around what had just happened.  Where I appreciate his brutal honesty about his life path, and the fact that he clearly forgot to acquire dental insurance when he was making 30k every 2 days, but my ideal date does not consist of going to BP for a microwavable burrito and mountain dew, when considering in an indirect way it is actually my taxes paying for it.  I really hope that he does get his life together and stays away from his past.  Even though he did not get my number that night, I hope by sharing his story with others, the Christian Limo service will find it in their hearts to give him a discount on services or something...

                Exactly one week later I am driving home from work when I hit the last red light before my house.  Standing on the street corner is a guy waiting for the light for pedestrians to go off.  As the guy crosses in front of my car, I can't help but think that he looks really familiar.  He looked at me because I was giving him a weird look and kept walking.  As he got directly in front of my car, he started yelling for a woman who was standing on the adjacent street corner, it dawned on me who it was.  It was him!  Completely forgetting that he mentioned that we lived in the same Pittsburgh suburb, I was speechless.   I instantly blew Maria's phone up to tell her what had just happened.  Fortunately he did not remember me, and like any smart single person would, I had a plan b prepared as to what I would say if confronted...The second time around it was me in total laughter and Maria in total disbelief...