Same Shit - Different Year

I used to be one of those people that would eat up the "new year, new me" and "this is going to be my year" bullshit. But after about year 30, resolutions last shorter and shorter, and long term goals turn in to daily wins including successfully getting out of bed without tripping over anything or managing to wear matching socks. 

At the start of this new year, even the first 10 days in, if it was any foreshadowing of the upcoming year for me, I sooner than later may be seeking out convents to join. 

I started off the year by setting up a ridiculous amount of dates (like 6 in two weeks) with the hopes of at least finding one with 2nd date potential. I have a tendency of this vicious circle of overachieving, feeling defeated, quitting for a few weeks, and repeat. I had set up a match.com date with a guy that lived fairly close to me and we agreed to meet at a local pizza joint, so I had hoped that I would be starting the year off on a positive note with someone who lived within my "shower spider killing concept" 

You see, I have several female friends that I pretty much confide everything to, considering we see each other almost every day. They are constantly joking with me because my ideal guy would live up the street if it were up to me. I find places like Robinson, Monroeville and Cranberry to be the equalivallant of a long distance relationship, because it is a different zone according to the pat bus system.  I love debating with men that live in those areas that tell me they can make it downtown in 25/30 min. I always congratulate them on 1. Breaking speed limits and managing to not lose their license and 2. Remind them to add 15 min on to their travel time, because I live that far away from "downtown" in an awkward area that is not convient to get to. Normally I win and if that doesn't work I always use the example of the shower spider:

What happens if I find a terrifying spider in my bath tub that has crawled up the drain?  There is a small 30 minute window that I can lock myself in my bedroom terrified, before I go in to horror movie mode. I need that hero that lives within that 30 min radius that can come kill it, before I consider moving.  That my friends, is my definition of a knight and shining armor.    

Now I'm sure you are thinking, "What do you do now with you don't have a hero?" To which the answer is simple - typically I will still lock myself in a safe part of the house hoping it will disappear, and if it doesn't, I awkwardly try to drown it and send it back down the drain- but the mental anguish of worrying that by killing one of its own, that others will follow and conspire to inflict revenge like pissed off villagers with torches- I do not want to be responsible for allowing my overactive imagination to get the best of me...

So with that being said, I had found someone living in my own zip code? Instant brownie points. So as I geared up for whatever 2015 throws at me, I headed to the date....

When I arrived it was fairly normal of a start. He looked just like his pictures so I had not felt as if I had been fooled. He had told me in an email that he had been on vacation all week and had pretty much done nothing but watched college bowl games. Not really my idea of a vacation but whatever to each their own. During our date, there happened to be a bowl game on, to which he asked the waitress if she could change the station to it, which again -not a big deal. Trying to rip a man away from sports is the equivillant of asking them to stop breathing so I get it, however on a first date I feel there can be a special exception. 

Literally the entire time I was there - the only time he took his eyes off the tv to talk to me was during commercial breaks. He was even more interested in shit-texting his brother every other minute than engaging in any kind of "getting to know you conversation" that involved him looking at me. About midway though the date, I felt like I was on a date with myself, to which I realized that I wanted to be sitting at home watching tv alone, instead of sitting in this pizza place with someone who is distracted with college bowl game - that mind you was a 30 point blow out and this point, so I made the executive decision to fake a hangover. I started getting "sicker and sicker" however I didn't have to do much psychial  acting considering I could of stabbed myself with a fork and got carted off by the paramedics and he wouldn't of took his eyes off the goddamn TV screen to notice me missing from the table. So finally I said that I needed to go home and lie down or I was going to throw up all over the table.  

He had asked me if I would mind giving him a ride home, to which I agreed because it was right down the street on my way home too. Amazingly, I had his full attention the 2 min drive home, however by that time it was too late for him - there wasn't going to be a second date. He then asked me if I wanted to come inside and 1. Listen to jazz records, 2. Drink a hot tea and "talk" and my favorite 3. Watch more college football. I declined and headed home feeling slightly defeated, but not ready to give up on dating all together.   

Apparently he thought the date went way better than it did because he asked me to hang out that next night and the night after, both events involved going to his place to "get to know each other and - you guessed it: watch football. Clearly this guy had no clue: Why the hell would I want to Partake in the same activity that you ignored me for the first time?  After I told him no 2 times he hit me with the "are you even interested in me?" Question. I'm sure this will shock a lot of people because I am perceived as being a very outspoken borderline bitch - however unless someone gets extremely inappropriate with me, I try to let down people I am not In to as politely as possible.  I tried explaining to him how I thought it was a total turn off that he pretty much ignored me the entire time for football - a blowout game too. He then then did what any rejected man would do and compare me to "all girls", said some pretty lightly offensive things, apologized and left me alone. Strike one

Rub Me in all the Wrong Ways

I had been getting bored with the ok Cupid and Pof circuit and wanted to try something different - so I decided to give Tinder a fair chance.  I had always done terrible on Tinder  not even in a gross message kind of way, more like a no message kind of way.   I knew people that got multiple dates from it, I typically wasn't as lucky. So naturally when the opportunity presented itself that I had found somebody on there that wanted to meet, I went into it open-mindedly. Being that Tinder is notoriously known for being a hook up app I made very clear right up front that that was not my intention, to which he was ok with and we seemed to be looking for the same things. Looking back now he did say some offbeat things that normally would strike me as socially awkward and not weird but I try to give everybody the benefit of the doubt especially when it's hard to know what peoples demeanors are when it comes to chatting not on the phone. 

Things started getting shaky when we tried to coordinate a place to meet at. As a 32-year-old female I might sound a little bit old school however I feel that I'm in a first date scenario the guy should either 1. Find a location that is close to the female so that she does not have to travel far. Or 2. Find a location that is halfway so that both parties have an equal distance to travel home upon a terrible date. I personally do not think that is too much to ask. So naturally when he suggested a location that was fairly close to him I declined and said let's try to meet somewhere halfway. He then gave me the name of another location outside of the city to which I thought was very close again to where he lived. He told me no and that I was thinking of a different area of Pittsburgh so I said okay and we decided to meet at a restaurant there. As I was driving to the restaurant and my directions told me to get off at the exit to which was in fact the city he lived in, I was pissed.  I hadn't even met this guy yet and he had already lied to me, naturally I was slightly jaded. 

As I made my way inside the restaurant he was standing at the hostess stand waiting for me. We sat down and ate our food and engaged in very normal conversation. I was slightly nervous it being a Tinder date and all because you never know what to expect. So I was very pleasantly surprised when the conversation maintained normal and respectable and I'd come to the conclusion that he was just quirky when he messaged. He excused himself to go to the restroom as I sat and finish my dinner. I still really wasn't sure if I was feeling him exactly, he really wasn't my type, but I was still willing to get to know him better. Little did I know this was the point of the date where the train would derail, catch on fire and start a forest fire similar to those of the ones in California. 

As he returned back from the bathroom he sat down directly next to me in the booth. Basing off of what little I knew about him I thought that he was doing it just to be slightly cute and corny funny, and figured that he would return to his side of the table after a minute or two...but he didn't. At first I laughed uncomfortably, but when I realized he was actually not going anywhere, it became a personal space issue for me. At this point I was stuck- if I backed myself towards the wall he would've had me pinned in the booth, but at least if I sat close enough to the edge I could always kind of shove him out if things got a bit uncomfortable. It's one thing to get up close and personal with somebody if you feel that the date is going that route but I don't feel that I set out any type of signal to elude that I wanted him to come sit next to me.  For me it got awkward at that point, but any chance of a second date ended when the next thing I know he begins to rub my leg under the table. He starts to rub and then tells me what strong leg muscles I have. In my mind all I can start thinking about is taking the fork that was left on the table, jamming it into his leg and see how he likes being touched.  I really tried not to come off as a stone cold bitch, but to me that is a "bad touch". It's one thing to rub the leg of someone that you have known for a while and have been previously intimate with, but to rub a girls leg on the first date when it's been established that there will be no hooking up- that's just inapprops. I decided that In order to diffuse the situation calmly I would nonchalantly grab his hand, remove it from my leg and place it on top of the table where it rightfully belonged. 

Unfortunately he had a secondary plan. When I went to grab his hand to remove from my knee, he then grabbed my hand and tried to hold it...under the table.  I couldn't tell if I had teleported back in to 4th grade, if this poor guy genuinely does not know proper first date protocol, or if he knew exactly what he was doing and thought I would be ok with it, either way I was officially freaked out. To make matters worse, when he grabbed my hand under the table he then looked at me and said "Oh come on, you can just hold my hand under the table nobody has to know."  I wanted to run but I couldn't because he was still sitting in the booth next to me. At this point I had to talk my way out of it. That was the only way I was going to get out of this situation safely. Not that he was any kind of threat mind you, but there's really no coming back from a "bad touch."  After completely bullshitting my way through an explanation that these are things that you don't do on a first date but on a second or more date, he returned to his side of the table. My presence at that restaurant was very short-lived after that.   Strike two

It'a Hot in Hurrrr

I had met this guy on OkCupid we hit it off instantly. Our first few messages back-and-forth were very fun, and we engaged in smart ass banter which is my favorite. Nothing is more attractive to me then a guy that can go toe to toe with me and my smart mouth, so naturally I was intrigued. A lot of times during the "getting to know you process" a conversation turns less into fun and more and more like an interrogation and you start to feel obligated to respond in lieu of getting excited. With him and I the conversation just flowed.  I have been excited for dates before but as the time grew closer for us to me I started getting really excited. If he was anything in person like he was on the phone, I felt like this guy had more potential than a lot of the others I had met. The only downside was that he lived 45 minutes away from downtown, close to where I grew up. I didn't want to get my hopes up too much, but he was willing to meet me more than halfway so I was willing to give it a shot, until literally our location changed three times between the day before and the day of and we kept getting further and further away from the city and closer and closer to his backyard. Again I found myself in a situation where I was irritated before I even left the house. 

When he showed up he was exactly what I expected. He was very good looking, you could tell that he took good care of himself, The only downer was that he smoked and I could smell it on him like a bloodhound. I promised myself that I would never become an ex-smoker that would frown upon people that smoke - however I've become a hypocrite and understand now what every guy I dated before went through.  Unless you are a smoker yourself- It's pretty gross. 

He chose a location that had been known for bringing in a lot of musical acts, but also had a restaurant too. The first hurdle that we experienced was when we sat down the band was playing very loudly so it was hard for us to hear each other. Not really a good place to have a first date but I didn't hold that against him. Within minutes of sitting down I had instantly noticed that he had kept wiping his forehead. I, naturally I'm always cold so for me to break out a sweat it's usually during physical activity or im getting ready to puke.  For him, however he was just sitting there wiping his forehead....a lot. 

Being fairly dark in there I didn't notice how bad he was sweating until a beam of light happened to hit his face and it looked like he had turned on his own personal waterfall. Sweat was visibly pouring from his face and his shirt was drenched to the point where it looked like he had gotten caught in a rainstorm. 

I kinda felt bad. I truly had hoped that it wasn't because he was nervous or that I was making him nervous, but he assured me that he had just got done working out and that was why.  I think he forgot that I'm pretty familiar with health and wellness, because I have never seen a product that would cause anyone to continue to sweat in such a way, especially that long after a workout. Before we even ordered our food, he excused himself and went to the bathroom to "freshen up". A few minutes later he came back and assured me that he felt better. 3 glasses of water and 2 attempts to move somewhere that we could actually hear ourselves talk. 

The entire time I was trying to distract myself from 1. The epic pit stains that were literally hypnotizing and 2. The constant motion of him wiping of his forehead with his forearm.  I tried to engage in banter-but made no comments about the sweating hoping it wouldn't detail the date. I managed to distract myself and we ended up having a very nice conversation and really opened up about our pasts/commonalities and joked around a bit. 

Literally after he got done eating the last bite of his meal - he excused himself from his seat and went outside to smoke a cig. At this point I knew he was pretty hooked considering I was in the same boat over 2 years ago. I was most happy that maybe by him going outside he would "cool" down, considering it was 25 degrees outside. When I looked at him outside, I swear I saw steam rising from him, but then again It could have easily been 1. The smoke of his cig or 2. The fire pit he was standing next to. Either way - it appeared that he was truly cooling off. 

When he returned inside he reeked of cigarette smoke. It was bad.  I tried not to say anything - again because I try not to be an hypocrite, and eventually the smell went away and I had hoped that by him going outside his body temp would return to normal and he would stop sweating. That was the case....for about 10 min. He then again began to continuously wipe his brow and I had eliminated all attempts to even come up with an explanation. As the date ended, even with a drenched shirt and all, he politely walked me to my car and watched me get lost attempting to get out of the confusing parking lot of his location. 

Remembering that I had a 45 min drive ahead of me, getting angry again, I had more than enough time to reflect on what had just occurred. 

I was willing to go out with him again, considering he didn't cross any "bad touch" lines, or ignored me for a televised sporting event. I was even willing to look past his smoking and profuse sweating, however I never heard from him after that. With that being only a week and a half in to the new year and strike three - I decided it was time to take a break from dating... 

So like a 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum - I deactivated all things online dating with the exception of my match.com profile because I am already locked in to a 6 month subscription. I wanted to deactivate my Facebook too, because lately I have been getting random friend requests from people I don't know, only to have them hit on me later. Unfortunately though, if I were not addicted to games like Family Guy: quest for stuff and candy crush - Facebook would be irrelevant to me, but since those games are linked to it, I'm kinda stuck. And also too- if it weren't for Facebook no one would know about this blog, so I'm slightly dammed if I do dammed if I don't. 

Sadly I do terrible on match.com so needless to say checking it once every couple of days doesn't really fall in to the "aggressive" category.  Now that I'm not online dating my days have been filled with work-working out-TV and sleep, and I gotta tell ya, not only have I lost a couple of lbs, but I've never been this rested in almost 2 years...

Keeping it real

-Shelby 

 

Speed Dating - The Chuck Hull Perspective

So here it is, April 12th, and I'm about to venture into something that I never

thought I'd do.  I'm about to enter the world of Speed Dating.  I'm not sure who came up with this concept, or even how it started, but it's definitely something I never thought I'd do.  Thanks to Shelby, I now am doing this. And thanks again to Shelby, I'm not doing it alone.  But, let's make sure I set the record straight. She didn't talk me into it. She didn't have to persuade me. She said "wanna do speed dating with me?"  I pretty much said, "why not?"

   

                First a quick little note about me.  My name is Chuck, and I'm a 39 year old single guy living in Pittsburgh.  I'd like to picture myself as one of the nice guys out there, but I'm sure I have my moments just like everyone else. After all, I'm only human.  I'm not sure why I'm single, but that's probably one of the dumbest questions I think I've ever heard anyone ask anyone.  "You're such a nice guy, why are you single?"   Oh gee, I don't know, probably because your uptight ass won't let me get past first base, or even a hello?  (See, I'd like to think I'm a nice guy, but I have the same bitterness that lives inside us all.  haha)

    

               How did I meet Shelby you may ask? Well, you probably won't, but I'll tell you anyway.  Outside of my normal job, I DJ on the side. I was working at the Boardwalk (remember that shit hole?) when I met Shelby. She was a rep for Iron City at the time, and of course since I thought she was pretty damn attractive, I was gonna chat her up and see what I could get out of her. (not that way so stop it.)   It was summer, hot, and I was thirsty, and she provided me with plenty of free IC Lites. That's how I roll. But seriously, I chatted her up with my coworkers, and we just kinda became friends. I don't hang out with her as much as many of you  (to which in her drunken state on Thursday she reminded me at least a dozen times that we should

hang out more. I'd agree,) but it was time to hang out with her for an adventure in Speed Dating.

             Speed dating.  How was it? Would I do it again? Was it worth the $25.00 sign up
fee?  I'll get to that later.  I head over to Shelby's right after work to pick her up, and we're both a bit nervous.  Like any normal guy, I like to make sure I look nice when I'm in a group setting you know, just in case I may meet someone.  And, like any single guy should....VALUE THE OPINION OF YOUR FEMALE FRIENDS!  I took three extra shirts with me to Shelby's and pretty much told her to dress me.  She did.  Yeah, I've got that backwards for sure.  We were not sure what to expect so we're making jokes about the kinds of people we may meet. Will there be really old people? Will there be creepers, nut jobs, baldies, extra large, etc.  Not don't get
me wrong, good people come in all shapes and sizes, but we're both a little freaked out about what we're getting into.  I know Shelby wanted to do this for her blog, but I'm sure she didn't mind meeting someone as well.  Me? Well, I'm 39 and single, and I'm doing it to back up Shelby, but at the same time I'm thinking it would be nice to meet someone. I've never been married and I'm fucking 39.  This for me, is a huge step. I've been on dates before, but it's been a long long time.  Oh crap, the drive is over and we're here.

                We walk into Bossa Nova, and we're not sure where this shit is going down.

We're a bit relieve to see quite a few people there.  It's about 6:30pm, and there
are probably about 30-40 people here.  Not too bad at all.  It was a nice mix of people, so we're both thinking positive things.  We ask the hostess where the speed dating registration is and she points to our right, and there is no one there but the people holding the event.  Yeah, those people?  They're not here for the speed dating.  Shelby and I get our name tags, and they brief us the night and we decide we now need a drink.  I don't see any women yet.  It's pretty much Shelby and myself, oh and a guy named  Guy 1.  I'm not going to use names.   He was pretty open and started talking to use and we were finally joined by another woman.  I think

this was when Shelby and I kinda ignored the other guy to talk to the woman, and well I had my reason for doing so, and I'm sure Shelby's was because she found this conversation more interesting.  Shelby found a new best friend and we're not drink two into the night, and we haven't even started our "dating" yet.  SIDEBAR - There was a group of cougars at the bar that asked what our name tags were for, and we said Speed Dating.  Then good old Shelby proceeds to tell the Cougars that "this is my best friend Chuck. He's single, and he's really awesome, and you all should talk to him."  Ain't she the best!  They did say they were all married, and she asked "happily?"  Gotta love her!

  

                 We see more people walking in finally for the speed dating, and we do a quick

shot, and head up to where we needed to be.  There are finally more woman, and seemingly more men.  We find out they had 14 men and 12 woman registered.  Two women did not show up.  So it's 14 to 10, and Shelby likes her odds.  At least I think she does.  They go over there rules and it's pretty much this: You get six minutes on your date, and you can talk about anything you want.  After the time is up, they'll ring a bell, and the men proceed to the next number.  The tables are marked 1-14, and you move up each time.  I'm to start at number 11.  Great. I'm starting out alone....again....which is pretty much why I'm here right?  After all the rules are explained, the host asks if we have any questions.  Well, I'm kinda goofy, and a
whole lot of nervous, and maybe a bit tipsy and I blurt out "Yeah, where's my date?"
 In a goofy dorky kinda of way.  That was met with a good old fashioned patented Shelby eye  roll, which was then met in turn with a stern finger pointing from me while lip sinking "don't roll your eye I'm scared shit less."

                It starts and my self and the other three dateless guys talk to the host in just normal small talking fashion.  She rings the bell and I get up and move to the next table. I sit alone for six minutes staring off into space. Ring Ring, table 13...take a call from my parents...ring ring table 14 and I'm still sitting looking at the ceiling.  I shoulda danced on it.  Anyhow, when I look back at this, I moved three times from one empty table to the next.  I don't even know why I moved because there was no one at any of the tables. You'd think I'd be smart enough to just stay where I was and talk to everyone else until I had my change to get to table 1. Nope, I moved to three empty tables and pretty much felt stupid.  But ring ring....time to talk to girl number 1.

                I'm pretty loosened up at this point and just start talking with a simple how

are you blah blah.  I opened up with the fact that she was the first girl I got to talk to so far, but after spending almost four dates with myself, I found me to be pretty awesome, and she had some tough competition. She actually laughed at that, but it's all about the delivery I guess.  She seemed very nice, and it turns out that my world got small talking with her.  She worked for a company that my company deals with on a regular basis.  We were both very familiar with each others jobs.   Yep, world got small. 

               Girl 2 was her friend and co-worker, and this one was just as nice.  This one I was immediately attracted too.  Great smile, gorgeous eyes, and just plain wowed me.  All of a sudden, bell rings.  I wasn't ready to leave.  Six minutes goes by fast. Real fast.  We took a quick break for snacks, but then back to business.

               Girl 3 was just a year younger than me, and I found her very attractive as

well.  Shelby adored her and was really pulling for us to be a match.  I could kinda tell though that I was probably not her type, but still, I gave it my all in six minutes and enjoyed chatting with her.

                Girl 4 was where things started to slide.   Right off the bat she states that she has questions for me.  I pretty much ended up being grilled.  She was basically interviewing me.  And not like in a nice way either.  Just the tone of her voice was all serious and business.  She then goes "OK I'm done with my questions I guess we can talk now."  Um...huh?  Ok, Chuck charm time. I'm gonna give her the benefit of the doubt and still be me and chat her up.  "So, how are you tonight, are you having a good time, or what made you do something like this.'    She replied with "well, after four lousy years with my ex....."   Screeeech.  Yeah, only a minute into our six, and she's talking about an ex with such hatred.  This conversation is clearly over.  She brought the ex up a total of 3 times in six minutes.  Yeah.  NEXT!

               Girl 5 and 6 were also friends and very young.  24?  I thought the minimum age was

supposed to be 27?  Oh, and girl 5? She wasn't even from here. She was from out of town visiting (well that's what girl 6 told me.)  She was very nice, but she also kinda wasted the time of 14 men by being here.  Thanks for that.  Girl 7 didn't seem too interested in chatting, but the first words out of her mouth was "I need a Jager Bomb."  I hope she realized she was perfect, because any girl that likes Jager is a keeper. 

               Girl 8 was a single mom, and extremely cute as well. I give her all the credit in the world because she seemed very nervous and a little shy, but for a single mom to give speed dating a shot takes guts, and that to me is just awesome.

               Girl 9 was our girl Shelby!  We took the opportunity to go to the bathroom since we

knew each other, and Shelby pretty much walked into the men's room with me because she wasn't paying attention blabbing away about the guys she was meeting.  The bathroom attendants just stared at her like um.... I couldn't stop laughing.  Shelby admitted that she might be drunk, and I told her I figured.  When we got back to the tables, we found out they paused all the dates while we walked away.  Oops.  We told them we knew each other and just decided to go to use the restroom. Then Shelby burped. Loudly.  I could not contain my laughter.  She is the best speed dater ever. Hands down.  I do this again, I'm not doing it without her.  

The last girl looked like she was about as interested in me as she was the other 13 guys.

That was it.  The dates were over. Now what?  Well, at the start, we were given
a sheet of paper.  We were to write down each dates name, comments and circle either "let's date" or "sorry not interested."  I circled four let's dates and pretty much ney to everyone else.  I got my results early the next morning.   Three of the let's dates, said the same for me, so they considered us a match.  They also provided information for girls that said yes to you, but I said no too "just in case you were really undecided and want to give them a second chance."   I pretty much know who said no to me.  Their loss because like I said, I spent the first 24 minutes with myself and I'm just plain fucking awesome.

               OK we're done, and now what?  It's only 9 o'clock on a Thursday night and we don't want this to be a waste of a night. Shelby is pretty drunk, but not too drunk, and she's ready to party.  I can't lie, I was ready to go out too.  I was wide awake (thanks to 5 hour energy.)  We did get a chance to talk more to some of our dates, and we did try to get everyone else to come with us. Well, actually that's a lie. Drunk Shelby did.  I knew not what I was in for. I only read about it, but now I get to witness it first hand.  Truly the best speed date partner ever. 

               We went to Jekyl and Hyde for some karaoke action.  Android and iPhones are all fine and dandy, but the video cameras lack light in a darkened bar.  I may have recorded Shelby's

drunken rendition of "I will Survive" but we'll never see it because the video is so dark.  Mind you, even drunk, she kicks ass on vocals.  We also will not be able to see our local hero Big Tom busting out get low, and good old Shelby putting out the bump and grind on our long haired

friend again due to lack of lighting.  Four of the guys from the speed date did show up, and were all very eager to talk with our Shelby.  She made four new friends that night.   Go Shelby!

What did I learn from the night?

               I love Shelby and love being her wing man. She however sucks as a wing woman. At least that's what she told me about four times.It's actually not as hard for me to talk to woman as I thought it was.  And as it turns out, some if them even like talking with me. Bonus.Six minutes is not a long time. It, in fact, is practically six seconds.Shelby's mom somehow knows I rock, and we are now Facebook Friends. Awesome.Planking on the floor of Jekyl and Hyde is NOT recommended. There you have it, well from what I can remember.  Thursday was a fun adventure, and I would probably do it again. I know what I may have written may not have been as entertaining and crazy as what is normally in this blog, but Shelby wanted to try something different.  In this case you got me, Chuck (aka DJ Qwik at Jekyl and Hyde every other Friday night hint hint) and what is was like for me in the world of dating.  I came out of this with restored confidence believe it or not, and I hold out hope that there is someone out for me, and it's not too late just because I'm 39.  Oh, I also learned that I need to not buy as many Cherry Vodka cokes for Shelby as I did.  She likes to plank when you give her that many. 

Keepin it real from a guys perspective.....Chuck

The Athlete Chronicles

                During my mid 20s, unlike a lot of girls who even to this day are in denial, I accepted the hard cold reality that I will never date or marry a professional athlete.  Some girls are just blessed with quality looks and perfect bodies, others are just normal and average.  The ugliest of guys can turn attractive to any girl upon discovering that they not only have money, but are popular on a national level.  Where mostly these guys have a money hungry skank parade following them everywhere they go, others are humble and do not indulge using their popularity to bang as many chicks as possible. 

                Since I've never dated a huge name in the sports world, my life took a turn in to the semi pro realm during my mid 20s.  For those of you that don't know, I had a very promising singing career back then.  Not only had I released a 5 song demo that was being shopped around to other singers to cover, but I had also become a National Anthem singer.  The gigs ranged from semi pro boxing matches, hockey, soccer and even 2 Pittsburgh Penguins games.   Looking  back on those golden years, I encounter some strange individuals, that lead me to believe that looks and money aren't always everything.   Here are some of my experiences:

The Hockey Player

                During my singing career, I had landed a national anthem gig for a semi pro hockey team. I had never been to a real hockey game before, so I found the idea of men basically beating the shit out of each other in an attempt to score a goal rather sexy.  I had had my eyes set on this one absolutely gorgeous player.  Of course, being attracted to power, he was the co-captain.  He appeared to be around my age, and by looking at the program, I understood why I was attracted to him...He was not from Pittsburgh.  He was build like a brick shit house, and his ass was perfection, especially in his uniform.  Before I even knew there was a term for it, during every game I would "eye fuck" the hell out of him.  I couldn't keep my eyes off of him, this wasn't just lust, this was an animalistic attraction.  Finally, on the verge of giving up and my 4th singing appearance, I was stoked when a team staff member approached me right before I was about to perform, telling me that my dreamboat player was asking about me and wanted my phone number.  At this point, I was the happiest girl alive.  With all the confidence in the world, and giving one of my best performances, I patiently awaited to hear from my hockey player.  Like any normal guy, he abided by the 3 day rule.  When I received the call, I felt as if I was 16 again and crushing on the captain of the football team.  When he asked me out, I couldn't wait.

                The date was set, so I put myself in to A-game mode, and made my way to the Wexford area to meet him at the house that he was staying with his "host family."  When I pulled in to this neighborhood, you would of thought I had entered heaven.  The houses were at least 750k mansions that were just stunning.  When I arrived at the house, I had instant lady wood.  It was the nicest house I had ever been in.  Greeting me at the door, he was wearing a white t-shirt (the type that a guy would wear under a shirt, and a pair of denim jeans.  Not that I was wearing a prom gown, but I definitely felt over dressed considering his attire, thinking we were going somewhere nice.  He then proceeded to introduce me to his "host" family's nanny, who thinking about it now really resembled Tiger Wood's ex wife.  She was polite, and I could only understand every third word she was saying, but he proceeded to give me a grand tour.  In addition to the 7 bed rooms and open spiraling staircase in the living room of this house, it also had an indoor pool, bowling alley and movie theater.  Knowing that he was only staying there during the season, there was still wow factor to him at the simple fact that he inhabited this house.  After the tour, he asks me if it's ok if we go run an errand real quick.  Still in awe about this house, I agree and it was at that point that things started going down- hill very quickly.  We hop in to a beat up mini-van (it was more brown than white considering the rust that had been on this thing) and like two Mexican illegal immigrants, we make our way down the highway.  As he is driving (and mind you we are both 20 at the time), I notice a cooler in-between the driver's side and passenger seat where a console used be.  I asked him what the cooler was for (thinking maybe he was an avid fisherman or something), to which he proceeded to open it up to show me an entire case of Budweiser...on ice.  While driving he then cracked one open, and pounded it before we even got to our location.  Confused and a little terrified at the fact of what may become, we ended up at K-mart of all places.  Sitting in the parking lot, he then pounds another beer, and tells me that he will be right back, leaving me...in the car...underage...with a case of beer and 2 open containers. 

                I start to freak out a little bit, and started to think "ok maybe he is just nervous, but this is even a little weird for me."  Finally 10 minutes later he comes back with nothing.  At this point, I am super confused as to why he incorporated a trip to K-mart in to our date activities and didn't even purchase anything.  In addition to the drinking, he also was a chewer, so seeing something bulging from his pocket didn't really phase me I just assumed we were making a chew run.  We then arrive back to the mansion, where as he is getting out of the car, rather than a can of chew falling out of his pocket, I am stunned to see a box of condoms laying on the ground.  Not only was I on a date with an underage alcoholic, but I had also been invited to attend my own condom run.  Looking down at the ground, and livid I asked him why he felt the need to have them, to which his response in a cocky tone was "We'll you know, just in case," and winked at me.  At this point, dumbfounded by how non chaliant this guy was about the condom thing, in a polite way I told him that would not be happening.  Convinced that his good looks and cocky attitude would get me to give it up, he started to play nice and asked me to come inside and watch a movie in the theater.  After informing him that he will not be getting laid, he seemed ok with it and we proceeded down stairs.

                It was the first time I had ever seen a screen that retracted from the ceiling in someone's house.  It was so cool.  Equip with leather couches, we proceeded to watch the movie, while I maintained a safe distance away from him.  Eventually in a horrible attempt to recreate a scene from Full House, he inched closer to me and put his arm around me.  For having a shitty personality, he had the body of a brick shit house.  With a beer in one hand, and his other arm around me, we started watching Office Space.  10 minutes in to the movie, and up to his now 5th beer, the liquid courage started setting in.  One minute I am snuggled up next to a sexy yet sort of douchy semi pro hockey player, then next thing I know, out of nowhere I'm getting mouth raped by this guys tongue.  I don't recall what was worse, the fact that his tongue provided my teeth with an impromptu cleaning, or the fact that his breath smelled  like what I imagine leather soaked in urine tastes like.  Then the dry humping began, and at that point I felt like I was making out with a rabbit on steroids.   When he started getting handsy, I stopped him.  Still being naive and in my early 20s, I was still in the mind-set that by telling a guy no, he will respect  you more and my body was a temple blablabla.  Mr. Hockey Player didn't like the word no.  After giving me 7 reasons why I should in fact have sex with him, I politely excused myself from the room, ran as fast as I possibly could out of the house and left.  I never expected to hear from him, nor wanted to ever again.  A few games later, he actually got traded and had a successful semi pro career until 06.   That is where his google trail turns cold, and I now envision him being an overweight copy machine sales man with a drinking problem...

The Boxer

                I had a pretty steady gig singing the anthem for boxing matches that took place at a casino.  The fights would take place every two months or so,  and being that 85% of the boxers were local, keeping up with that strategy, they brought in me, a local singer to perform the anthem before the main event.  I had been singing at these matches for a little over a year, and networked my ass off making a ton of connections and friends.  One night, I spotted a local boxer, who I had heard of before but had yet to officially be introduced to.   He was pretty cute, and normal looking.  Dark hair, blue eyes, and judging by the amount of chest hair he was sporting, I would make the educated guess that he was Italian.  Every fight that I had previously watched of his, he had won, which turned the hotness factor up to full blast.  My good friend Leah had been dating a boxer who trained with the one I had my eye on.  I begged the guy that Leah was seeing to pass my phone number along to the Italian boxer.  He told me he'd see what he could do, and 2 days later I received a text.  Super excited that things were actually working in my favor, we began to text for a week (at which he was funny, easy to talk to and very humble).  He finally asked me out and we began to plan our date. 

                Being that in my mind, this was no ordinary guy, but in fact a semi pro boxer, I made sure to have my A game ready.  I begged Leah to come over to help me with my outfit, hair and makeup.  Once everything was assembled, I went on my way to meet him at the halfway point between our two houses. 

                When I arrived in a fast food parking lot, he was waiting for me.  He was all decked out in his white shirt and Guido gold chain rocking Jesus on his necklace.  He was a lot taller in person and had the prettiest blue eyes I had ever seen.  I was instantly smitten.  I immediately started thinking that if this works out, him and I would be the "Zack and Kelly Morris" (Saved by the Bell) of the local boxing scene. 

                That's when he opened up his mouth....For someone sounding normal via text messages, he was completely opposite in person.  Where I don't remember the conversation, the only normal moment I remember was him telling me that he was 27 and was considering retiring within a year.  Other than that sentence, the convo was all over the place.  He would begin a sentence with one topic and end with something completely different.  He would be in mid sentence and would pause and break out in to laughter for no obvious reason, claiming that he was thinking about something funny from earlier in the day.  A few times during our date, I even caught him talking to himself.  After the 3rd time mistaking that he was talking to me, and he was in fact talking to himself, I had a brief moment of clarity and thought to myself, "Jesus Christ this kid is like Forrest Gump, I think he has gotten hit one too many times in the head." 

                Upon concluding of the date, he brought me back to my car and proceeded to kiss me goodnight.  I felt the need to pity kiss this one, because there was something obviously wrong with him and I felt bad.  What started as a pity kiss, he attempted to turn into a "let's make out on the hood of your car," in which I wasn't having it.  I said my goodbye and instantly called Leah to fill her in on every play by play of the evening.

                That next week, there was a fight. The boxer and I had been in contact all week, however it was very limited contact.  I didn't want things to be weird or awkward considering we would in fact run in to each other at these events.  Being that it was the eve of a title bout, there had been some interviews in the local paper that I didn't bother reading because I figured it was stuff I already knew.  That night, my mom, dad, Leah and myself headed down to the Casino to partake in some pre fight gambling festivities.  We drove separately because Leah and I wanted to go to the after fight parties.   As I was sitting at a slot machine next to my mother, she informed me about the news article.  My own mother informed me that the boxer that I had previously gone out with a week before, was not 27 but in fact in his late 30's, and his girlfriend was also interviewed in the newspaper showing her support.  Being livid, and Leah laughing her ass off uncontrollably, I decided to send a polite yet sarcastic text to the boxer calling him out on everything.  Since he already thought he was in outer space, he proceeded to laugh about it and not really grasping the severity of how pissed I was.  Leah's boxer had been acting a little shady too that week, so she decided to begin drinking well before the fight to calm her nerves.  Normally, during almost every singing event, my mother and I would bump heads at times, her being more nervous than me and me getting annoyed because would dictate to me what I should and shouldn't do before my performance. 

                That night, Leah was the greatest buffer ever.   Belligerently drunk and making a scene, my mom had a new person to shift her nerves towards with Leah.  After singing was done, and considering I drove us that night, Leah waited to hear from her boxer.  A half an hour went by, and no word.  Finally Leah decided to call up to his hotel room to see where he was at, when she received the shock of her life.  A young lady answered who proceeded to tell Leah that she was the boxers girlfriend.  In a moment of drunken clarity, we proceeded up to the boxers room where Leah and the girlfriend proceeded to exchange timelines discovering that they were in fact being played.  Enter sudo boxer.  Upon seeing both of the women he had been dating in the same hallway, the mental picture of his "Oh Fuck" face will remain in my distant memory. 

                Pulling Leah's drunk ass down the hallway, I got her in the car and we started driving home.  We later found out that that evening the boxers actual girlfriend ended up beating the shit out of him.  Just when I didn't think the night could get any worse, it did...

                Driving on back roads from the casino, there is little to no street lighting, which leads any cautious driver to turn on their high beams.  Unbeknownst to me, I was unaware that it was illegal to drive with them on, especially when the car passing you in the opposite direction on the 2 lane highway happens to be a cop.  I get pulled over, and have an underage drunk person ready to pass out in my front seat.  Begging Leah to just keep her shit cool, she sits up stone cold staring straight ahead and does not make eye contact with the cop.  Upon giving him my registration and him walking back to his cruiser to run my information, the events of the evening and the nerves of getting pulled over got to Leah.  She proceeded to start throwing up, in the front seat of my car catching it with her hands and then trying to throw it out the window as if it was a soccer ball and not liquid.  Fortunately the cop let me off with a warning, and the entire experience turned in to a memory that I had hoped to forget.

The Football player

                One random Friday night, Maria and I decided to go out to a bar that we normally wouldn't frequent, just to break ourselves from the monotony of the South Side scene.  We ended up at a bar past 15th street, which was unheard of for us.  The bar was jam pack (then again, it was so small that 30 people made it seem busy), but luckily we managed to find 2 seats at the bar.  Sitting down, we then noticed a group of guys next to our seats that were well beyond wasted.  Being a little loud, they weren't really harming us in anyway, but it was clear that they had been drinking for quite some time.  All of a sudden I noticed a decent looking guy heading our way.  He really wasn't my type at all, he had slightly balding blonde hair, and was wearing an Affliction shirt, which for me is the ultimate vagina repellant.  Being in a good mood, rather than being so cynical, I decided that if he did talk to me, I would play it cool.  Eventually he made his way over and he was even cuter up close.  Excited that he may actually be a normal individual I was then discouraged when he came up and started talking to us, but directing the conversation more towards Maria's than me.  He opened by apologizing for the guys behind him, claiming that they were his friends and if he needed to keep them in line for us he would.  Assuring him that they were not a bother, the conversation continued...with Maria....

                There is nothing worse than being single and out with your friends when you spot a cute guy, only for him to approach one of your taken friends and not you.  It's almost like God's way of smacking a single person in the face, with your friends unintentionally doing it.  The interesting thing is, a respectful guy, once he knows a girl is taken will back off, which is what this guy did, shifting his attention to me.   Nothing is a bigger turn off than feeling you are second best to one of your friends, but to witness it first hand...that only means game on for me. 

                Now that the attention was focused on me, because knowing that I am single, I am all of a sudden more appealing.  Knowing this, I tried to play nice and give this guy the benefit of the doubt, but secretly knew that after this night, things would go no further.  Making general conversation, and visibly seeing that he was getting drunker by the second, he was very reluctant to tell Maria and I what he did for a living.  Maria and I had to pretty much pry it out of him, for him to finally tell us that he was the Quarterback for a semi pro professional flag football team.  From the minute the words Quarterback were spoken from his plump luscious lips, it was as if we had invited a Vampire in to our conversation.  During the next 10 minutes of our conversation  he used the word "Quarterback"  at least 8 times.  Being that he went from being super modest to semi cocky by allowing 1 word to be entered in to the conversation, I decided to drink more with the hopes of playing nice.  That didn't last very long.  Upon abusing usage of the word "Quarterback" for the 9th or 10th time, I looked at him and said, "Wow, you really enjoy being a Quarterback don't you?"  To which his response was, "Well yes, I do.  That's why I don't tell people up front.  If I would of walked up to you ladies and introduced myself as a quarterback, what's the first thing you would think?"  Staring in to his pretty blue eyes, not sure how I wanted to answer this question, I looked him with a stone cold stare and said, "Rape."  As Maria almost spit her drink out of her mouth in laughter, he looked at me with a stunned look on and his face and said, "That's not very nice."  My reply was simple, "You know for being a Quarterback, you really don't have thick skin do you?"  Knowing that I may make this poor guy cry, I decided to lay off the sarcasm and try to be nice.  Maria and then got formally introduced to the guys behind us turned out to be fellow teammates. 

                His teammates were cool as hell.  There were 4 or 5 of them at the time in one group and they were so nice by buying us shots and talking to us.  I thought that maybe I had found new friends that could adopt me as a little sister, considering I always wanted a brother, and what better to have a football team protecting you?  That's when one of the super drunk members made me lose faith in all humanity again. 

                I have my back turned to the group so that I could focus on the Quarterback, when the next thing I know, one of the players wraps his hands around my upper body and is literally hanging on me.  Not being formally introduced to this one, I only knew that he was the loudest and drunkest and could hear his entire conversation about his proudness for Black History Month from across the room.  With his arms slowly getting tighter and tighter around my upper shoulder area, rather than introducing himself, he looks at me and then Maria and says, "I'd do you so hard, I'd break your hips".  Shocked and blindsided by this comment, Maria and I just laughed it off, while the Quarterback kept asking us if we were ok and he would make him go away if he was making us feel uncomfortable.  In the spirit of the moment, and the influence of the vodka spirits that I had been drinking like water, I decided to be nice I mean I did have a Quarterback to impress, and rather than starting a war, I decided to use poetry as a form to keep the piece.  I then proceeded to recite the lyrics to TuPac's - "I Ain't Mad at Cha" in such a way that went from a rap song to a spoken poem.  You would of thought I had turned in to a priest, because he was praising every line I was saying from the song.  The Quarterback turns to Maria, who has tears forming in her eyes and asks her, "Is she always this sarcastic?", to which she replies back, "You ain't seen nothing yet."

                We then proceed to another bar, were we actually get separated from the boys.  They were having issues getting in and Maria and I were too cold to wait, so we just walked in expecting them to follow.  I was a little bit pissed that I had not gotten the Quarterbacks phone number by this time, but I blamed it on fate and got on with it.  20 minutes later, we spotted them, and my Quarterback came over.  He was drunk out of his mind at this point, assuring me (without me questioning) that he was in to me and not Maria, and he wants to take me out and he really likes me.  The 17 year old version of myself was dancing around as if I had just got asked to prom by the most popular guy.  The 28 year old version of me was facing the reality that I was actually taking advantage of a drunk guy to lift my self esteem.   For a minute, I felt a sense of self loathing, but after doing another shot, I bounced right back.  Eventually, the inevitable happened, and a fight broke out with the team and some random guys, causing my Quarterback rush to his teammates side, promising me he would call the next day.  1 text message...that was all that I ever received from the Quarterback.  Where deep down, I could tell that he wasn't serious at all about getting to know me and that I was just a random girl that he met out drunk one night, I think the worst part of all was that I came to find out though a bit of light Facebook stalking that he lied about his age.  He told me that he was 27 (making me feel like a predator), when in fact he was in his early 30s.  Why anyone would lie about their age to someone who is within a year or two of it, is beyond me.  I should of followed my initial instincts that I had learn the hard way a few years before, "Never trust a man who wears Affliction clothing and claims to be an athlete."

               

Keeping it real -

Shelby