Same Shit - Different Year

I used to be one of those people that would eat up the "new year, new me" and "this is going to be my year" bullshit. But after about year 30, resolutions last shorter and shorter, and long term goals turn in to daily wins including successfully getting out of bed without tripping over anything or managing to wear matching socks. 

At the start of this new year, even the first 10 days in, if it was any foreshadowing of the upcoming year for me, I sooner than later may be seeking out convents to join. 

I started off the year by setting up a ridiculous amount of dates (like 6 in two weeks) with the hopes of at least finding one with 2nd date potential. I have a tendency of this vicious circle of overachieving, feeling defeated, quitting for a few weeks, and repeat. I had set up a match.com date with a guy that lived fairly close to me and we agreed to meet at a local pizza joint, so I had hoped that I would be starting the year off on a positive note with someone who lived within my "shower spider killing concept" 

You see, I have several female friends that I pretty much confide everything to, considering we see each other almost every day. They are constantly joking with me because my ideal guy would live up the street if it were up to me. I find places like Robinson, Monroeville and Cranberry to be the equalivallant of a long distance relationship, because it is a different zone according to the pat bus system.  I love debating with men that live in those areas that tell me they can make it downtown in 25/30 min. I always congratulate them on 1. Breaking speed limits and managing to not lose their license and 2. Remind them to add 15 min on to their travel time, because I live that far away from "downtown" in an awkward area that is not convient to get to. Normally I win and if that doesn't work I always use the example of the shower spider:

What happens if I find a terrifying spider in my bath tub that has crawled up the drain?  There is a small 30 minute window that I can lock myself in my bedroom terrified, before I go in to horror movie mode. I need that hero that lives within that 30 min radius that can come kill it, before I consider moving.  That my friends, is my definition of a knight and shining armor.    

Now I'm sure you are thinking, "What do you do now with you don't have a hero?" To which the answer is simple - typically I will still lock myself in a safe part of the house hoping it will disappear, and if it doesn't, I awkwardly try to drown it and send it back down the drain- but the mental anguish of worrying that by killing one of its own, that others will follow and conspire to inflict revenge like pissed off villagers with torches- I do not want to be responsible for allowing my overactive imagination to get the best of me...

So with that being said, I had found someone living in my own zip code? Instant brownie points. So as I geared up for whatever 2015 throws at me, I headed to the date....

When I arrived it was fairly normal of a start. He looked just like his pictures so I had not felt as if I had been fooled. He had told me in an email that he had been on vacation all week and had pretty much done nothing but watched college bowl games. Not really my idea of a vacation but whatever to each their own. During our date, there happened to be a bowl game on, to which he asked the waitress if she could change the station to it, which again -not a big deal. Trying to rip a man away from sports is the equivillant of asking them to stop breathing so I get it, however on a first date I feel there can be a special exception. 

Literally the entire time I was there - the only time he took his eyes off the tv to talk to me was during commercial breaks. He was even more interested in shit-texting his brother every other minute than engaging in any kind of "getting to know you conversation" that involved him looking at me. About midway though the date, I felt like I was on a date with myself, to which I realized that I wanted to be sitting at home watching tv alone, instead of sitting in this pizza place with someone who is distracted with college bowl game - that mind you was a 30 point blow out and this point, so I made the executive decision to fake a hangover. I started getting "sicker and sicker" however I didn't have to do much psychial  acting considering I could of stabbed myself with a fork and got carted off by the paramedics and he wouldn't of took his eyes off the goddamn TV screen to notice me missing from the table. So finally I said that I needed to go home and lie down or I was going to throw up all over the table.  

He had asked me if I would mind giving him a ride home, to which I agreed because it was right down the street on my way home too. Amazingly, I had his full attention the 2 min drive home, however by that time it was too late for him - there wasn't going to be a second date. He then asked me if I wanted to come inside and 1. Listen to jazz records, 2. Drink a hot tea and "talk" and my favorite 3. Watch more college football. I declined and headed home feeling slightly defeated, but not ready to give up on dating all together.   

Apparently he thought the date went way better than it did because he asked me to hang out that next night and the night after, both events involved going to his place to "get to know each other and - you guessed it: watch football. Clearly this guy had no clue: Why the hell would I want to Partake in the same activity that you ignored me for the first time?  After I told him no 2 times he hit me with the "are you even interested in me?" Question. I'm sure this will shock a lot of people because I am perceived as being a very outspoken borderline bitch - however unless someone gets extremely inappropriate with me, I try to let down people I am not In to as politely as possible.  I tried explaining to him how I thought it was a total turn off that he pretty much ignored me the entire time for football - a blowout game too. He then then did what any rejected man would do and compare me to "all girls", said some pretty lightly offensive things, apologized and left me alone. Strike one

Rub Me in all the Wrong Ways

I had been getting bored with the ok Cupid and Pof circuit and wanted to try something different - so I decided to give Tinder a fair chance.  I had always done terrible on Tinder  not even in a gross message kind of way, more like a no message kind of way.   I knew people that got multiple dates from it, I typically wasn't as lucky. So naturally when the opportunity presented itself that I had found somebody on there that wanted to meet, I went into it open-mindedly. Being that Tinder is notoriously known for being a hook up app I made very clear right up front that that was not my intention, to which he was ok with and we seemed to be looking for the same things. Looking back now he did say some offbeat things that normally would strike me as socially awkward and not weird but I try to give everybody the benefit of the doubt especially when it's hard to know what peoples demeanors are when it comes to chatting not on the phone. 

Things started getting shaky when we tried to coordinate a place to meet at. As a 32-year-old female I might sound a little bit old school however I feel that I'm in a first date scenario the guy should either 1. Find a location that is close to the female so that she does not have to travel far. Or 2. Find a location that is halfway so that both parties have an equal distance to travel home upon a terrible date. I personally do not think that is too much to ask. So naturally when he suggested a location that was fairly close to him I declined and said let's try to meet somewhere halfway. He then gave me the name of another location outside of the city to which I thought was very close again to where he lived. He told me no and that I was thinking of a different area of Pittsburgh so I said okay and we decided to meet at a restaurant there. As I was driving to the restaurant and my directions told me to get off at the exit to which was in fact the city he lived in, I was pissed.  I hadn't even met this guy yet and he had already lied to me, naturally I was slightly jaded. 

As I made my way inside the restaurant he was standing at the hostess stand waiting for me. We sat down and ate our food and engaged in very normal conversation. I was slightly nervous it being a Tinder date and all because you never know what to expect. So I was very pleasantly surprised when the conversation maintained normal and respectable and I'd come to the conclusion that he was just quirky when he messaged. He excused himself to go to the restroom as I sat and finish my dinner. I still really wasn't sure if I was feeling him exactly, he really wasn't my type, but I was still willing to get to know him better. Little did I know this was the point of the date where the train would derail, catch on fire and start a forest fire similar to those of the ones in California. 

As he returned back from the bathroom he sat down directly next to me in the booth. Basing off of what little I knew about him I thought that he was doing it just to be slightly cute and corny funny, and figured that he would return to his side of the table after a minute or two...but he didn't. At first I laughed uncomfortably, but when I realized he was actually not going anywhere, it became a personal space issue for me. At this point I was stuck- if I backed myself towards the wall he would've had me pinned in the booth, but at least if I sat close enough to the edge I could always kind of shove him out if things got a bit uncomfortable. It's one thing to get up close and personal with somebody if you feel that the date is going that route but I don't feel that I set out any type of signal to elude that I wanted him to come sit next to me.  For me it got awkward at that point, but any chance of a second date ended when the next thing I know he begins to rub my leg under the table. He starts to rub and then tells me what strong leg muscles I have. In my mind all I can start thinking about is taking the fork that was left on the table, jamming it into his leg and see how he likes being touched.  I really tried not to come off as a stone cold bitch, but to me that is a "bad touch". It's one thing to rub the leg of someone that you have known for a while and have been previously intimate with, but to rub a girls leg on the first date when it's been established that there will be no hooking up- that's just inapprops. I decided that In order to diffuse the situation calmly I would nonchalantly grab his hand, remove it from my leg and place it on top of the table where it rightfully belonged. 

Unfortunately he had a secondary plan. When I went to grab his hand to remove from my knee, he then grabbed my hand and tried to hold it...under the table.  I couldn't tell if I had teleported back in to 4th grade, if this poor guy genuinely does not know proper first date protocol, or if he knew exactly what he was doing and thought I would be ok with it, either way I was officially freaked out. To make matters worse, when he grabbed my hand under the table he then looked at me and said "Oh come on, you can just hold my hand under the table nobody has to know."  I wanted to run but I couldn't because he was still sitting in the booth next to me. At this point I had to talk my way out of it. That was the only way I was going to get out of this situation safely. Not that he was any kind of threat mind you, but there's really no coming back from a "bad touch."  After completely bullshitting my way through an explanation that these are things that you don't do on a first date but on a second or more date, he returned to his side of the table. My presence at that restaurant was very short-lived after that.   Strike two

It'a Hot in Hurrrr

I had met this guy on OkCupid we hit it off instantly. Our first few messages back-and-forth were very fun, and we engaged in smart ass banter which is my favorite. Nothing is more attractive to me then a guy that can go toe to toe with me and my smart mouth, so naturally I was intrigued. A lot of times during the "getting to know you process" a conversation turns less into fun and more and more like an interrogation and you start to feel obligated to respond in lieu of getting excited. With him and I the conversation just flowed.  I have been excited for dates before but as the time grew closer for us to me I started getting really excited. If he was anything in person like he was on the phone, I felt like this guy had more potential than a lot of the others I had met. The only downside was that he lived 45 minutes away from downtown, close to where I grew up. I didn't want to get my hopes up too much, but he was willing to meet me more than halfway so I was willing to give it a shot, until literally our location changed three times between the day before and the day of and we kept getting further and further away from the city and closer and closer to his backyard. Again I found myself in a situation where I was irritated before I even left the house. 

When he showed up he was exactly what I expected. He was very good looking, you could tell that he took good care of himself, The only downer was that he smoked and I could smell it on him like a bloodhound. I promised myself that I would never become an ex-smoker that would frown upon people that smoke - however I've become a hypocrite and understand now what every guy I dated before went through.  Unless you are a smoker yourself- It's pretty gross. 

He chose a location that had been known for bringing in a lot of musical acts, but also had a restaurant too. The first hurdle that we experienced was when we sat down the band was playing very loudly so it was hard for us to hear each other. Not really a good place to have a first date but I didn't hold that against him. Within minutes of sitting down I had instantly noticed that he had kept wiping his forehead. I, naturally I'm always cold so for me to break out a sweat it's usually during physical activity or im getting ready to puke.  For him, however he was just sitting there wiping his forehead....a lot. 

Being fairly dark in there I didn't notice how bad he was sweating until a beam of light happened to hit his face and it looked like he had turned on his own personal waterfall. Sweat was visibly pouring from his face and his shirt was drenched to the point where it looked like he had gotten caught in a rainstorm. 

I kinda felt bad. I truly had hoped that it wasn't because he was nervous or that I was making him nervous, but he assured me that he had just got done working out and that was why.  I think he forgot that I'm pretty familiar with health and wellness, because I have never seen a product that would cause anyone to continue to sweat in such a way, especially that long after a workout. Before we even ordered our food, he excused himself and went to the bathroom to "freshen up". A few minutes later he came back and assured me that he felt better. 3 glasses of water and 2 attempts to move somewhere that we could actually hear ourselves talk. 

The entire time I was trying to distract myself from 1. The epic pit stains that were literally hypnotizing and 2. The constant motion of him wiping of his forehead with his forearm.  I tried to engage in banter-but made no comments about the sweating hoping it wouldn't detail the date. I managed to distract myself and we ended up having a very nice conversation and really opened up about our pasts/commonalities and joked around a bit. 

Literally after he got done eating the last bite of his meal - he excused himself from his seat and went outside to smoke a cig. At this point I knew he was pretty hooked considering I was in the same boat over 2 years ago. I was most happy that maybe by him going outside he would "cool" down, considering it was 25 degrees outside. When I looked at him outside, I swear I saw steam rising from him, but then again It could have easily been 1. The smoke of his cig or 2. The fire pit he was standing next to. Either way - it appeared that he was truly cooling off. 

When he returned inside he reeked of cigarette smoke. It was bad.  I tried not to say anything - again because I try not to be an hypocrite, and eventually the smell went away and I had hoped that by him going outside his body temp would return to normal and he would stop sweating. That was the case....for about 10 min. He then again began to continuously wipe his brow and I had eliminated all attempts to even come up with an explanation. As the date ended, even with a drenched shirt and all, he politely walked me to my car and watched me get lost attempting to get out of the confusing parking lot of his location. 

Remembering that I had a 45 min drive ahead of me, getting angry again, I had more than enough time to reflect on what had just occurred. 

I was willing to go out with him again, considering he didn't cross any "bad touch" lines, or ignored me for a televised sporting event. I was even willing to look past his smoking and profuse sweating, however I never heard from him after that. With that being only a week and a half in to the new year and strike three - I decided it was time to take a break from dating... 

So like a 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum - I deactivated all things online dating with the exception of my match.com profile because I am already locked in to a 6 month subscription. I wanted to deactivate my Facebook too, because lately I have been getting random friend requests from people I don't know, only to have them hit on me later. Unfortunately though, if I were not addicted to games like Family Guy: quest for stuff and candy crush - Facebook would be irrelevant to me, but since those games are linked to it, I'm kinda stuck. And also too- if it weren't for Facebook no one would know about this blog, so I'm slightly dammed if I do dammed if I don't. 

Sadly I do terrible on match.com so needless to say checking it once every couple of days doesn't really fall in to the "aggressive" category.  Now that I'm not online dating my days have been filled with work-working out-TV and sleep, and I gotta tell ya, not only have I lost a couple of lbs, but I've never been this rested in almost 2 years...

Keeping it real

-Shelby 

 

The Day I Became a Madame

Aside from a shaky start dating wise this year- I have also fell victim to the weird and hilariously explainable. 

Facebook has been both a blessing and a curse so far this year for me. I have been getting an unusual amount of friend requests from total strangers that I can only assume are coming from this Pittsburgh Steelers fan club that I joined. I used to be the type of person who would just accept anyone, but lately I have been very selective in who I add and who I don't. 

You learn the hard way when you start getting messages from guys that added you soley because they think you are "cute" and then ask you out. The last time I checked - Facebook is not a dating service, but then again what do I know? 

One day I woke up to a very long Facebook message from an older gentleman that Was a random friend add (didn't previously know him) who felt that apparently look like I would be interested in an erotic story. The erotic story consisted of a woman shoving a random vegetables up her ass and enjoying it. Clearly this man was unaware that my feelings towards vegetables are roughly about the same as I feel about shoving things up one's ass, I find the thought of both equally repulsive. 

That same day I had to message POF because for the first time in eight years of being on the website I have a 51-year-old stalker that won't leave me alone (and by stalker I mean I received 30 messages to which I didn't respond to any of them in less than 24 hours, two blocking's later and he still coming back for more). 

At this point with it not even be in one week into the New Year one would probably just want to throw in the towel, nope not me. There was a brief glimmer of hope when I was out on a date Monday night with a very attractive, nice, normal guy from POF that revived my hopes to retract the nose dive the year had already started taking, even though I was looking over my shoulder the entire time because he took me to the same pizza place that the obsessed football watcher frequents....but then Tuesday happened. 

Tuesday had started like any normal day, with the exception of the first real snow of winter that caused accident up on accident. The day flew by and I had found myself at home, sitting on the couch, when i get a text from none other than my buddy "Big Ron".  It's been a while since I heard from him. Typically after I tell him to "go away" usually pops up anywhere between two weeks to a month later for more abuse. This time had been different tho. If you are familiar with my convos with Ron, when we last left off he was asking me if I knew any men, that not only could he experiment with but that him and I could share. 

Ironically about six months ago, I had met a guy on OkCupid who is very similar to Ron in many ways. He was a very nice guy who was slightly sexually confused as to which team he wanted to play for. And once it was ruled out that I would never ever romantically get involved with him we remained friends.  

When Ron messaged me, something clicked in my head and I that's when I had the idea to set them up. Now mind you - I am probably the worlds worst matchmaker. Every attempt at me setting people up has ended in disaster, but I had only tried to set people based off of: you have a dick, you have a vagina - you guys would be perfect for each other!  

So now the playing field is a bit different. I got too many dicks and not enough holes to work with. But I was willing to try to help Ron - I mean even after the years of knowing each other and the blunt and honest rejecting that I give him, at the end of the day he is still a human being looking for some sort of connection. The convo went something like this (they are in a series of 4

Messages. Read left, down, then right) 

---------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------

So, I did it. I tried to set up two lonely men who were seeking to explore their mutual interest in their own sexuality. Part of me felt as if I had done a good thing, the other part of me felt dirty - and I felt more sorry for the guy I had fed to the big bad Ron wolf.  But always with good intentions in mind, I had hoped for the best while knowing this was going to probably end up being a disaster. 

A couple of weeks later I get this:

Clearly my attempts at finding Ron happiness was short lived, however if I had to guess, Im sure Ron self sabatoged himself in some way, shape or form. But then It was if the clouds opened up, and I was given a second chance to find Ron the rim job he so desperately wanted.  Out of nowhere I got this message from another fine specimen from Pof. 

We shall see what happeneds! 

Keepin it real-

Shelby 

You are doing it all wrong....

If it weren't for online dating, I would literally sit at home doing nothing but watching stomach humping porn on HBO and eating myself in to oblivion thanks to my obsession with Callente's pizza.  

I always seem to get asked the question, "what brings you to this site?" Depending on my mood my response varies from, "I'm just seeing what's out there." (To which I am fully aware of what is out there, I mean I have literally gone out with 75% of the men in this city that I find attractive or intriguing.). "I don't get approached in public." (Again, either because of unintentional bitch face, I'm constantly surrounded my male friends who have strong personalities, or im drunk.. which most would think would be an easy way for me to meet people, however if you have had the pleasure to see me in a drunken state, the Shelby shit show could potentially make any straight man easily consider a sex change operation and be eternally terrified of women.)

Lately I have non chilantly been running in to men that I have gone out with in the past, which makes for a less than awakward experience and has added validity to my claim of dating 75% of "my type" of men in this city. Within 2 weeks I managed to run in one guy from my 2nd run at match.com at a pizza place.  I remembered him as the guy who literally got up during our mid coffee date, abruptly ending the conversation for no apparent reason, and just leaving. Not many people dumbfound me, hence why I remembered exactly who he was. I remember asking myself if I was getting punked and waited for Ashton to jump out from behind the plant at starbucks or something. 

As my friend and I stood there waiting for our pizza, which seemed like an eternity, because the guy and I were about 10 feet from each other and I had immediately recognized him, I channeled my inner childhood and brushed off my ventriloquist skills to non chilantly alert my friend as to what was going on. I caught him looking at me with that awkward "I know you from somewhere, but I can't figure it out." So naturally, I turned away from him to hide my ID badge, in efforts to maybe confuse him 1/10th of what he had done to me. 

There was another instance to which I ran in to another guy I ran into at my friends bday party at Cavo no more than less than a month later. This guy could of qualified as royalty in the douchebag family. He was the first guy I found myself liking after my break up. He seemed sweet, was my type (looks wise) and didn't smother me with questions in our conversations. When we met he was everything I expected and more.. until he tried to get a little handsy after our scare house date, to which I flat out told him I wasn't sleeping with him. Naturally that was the last I had heard from him until that night at Cavo. So when he walked up to me, I about a 6 on the drunk scale, somehow I channeled my inner drunken rainman and remembered who he was and I naturally called him out. Slurring my words I said to him, "oh yeah you are the douchebag that didn't call me because I didn't fuck you on our first date."  I then gave him a thumbs up with a cheesy, "if I throw a stick will you leave me alone" smile and walked away. His true nature shined as brightly as the sun when I watched him in the VIP section basically shoving alcohol down the throats of girls that their presence just screamed, "I have daddy/self esteem issues."  At that point I realized I had came out a winner, and watching him pathetically try to get girls drunk enough to take them home to bang them. Apparently having some sort of self respect for yourself is not the trending color or the season. 

Recently though, I have met some normal decent men, but unfortunately there is just no mutual spark or chemistry.  I havent had to throw a date in quite some time. Online however, I still manage to be the equavillant of freak fly paper. 

With that being said, I would like to share with you some people that just don't get the whole, "I'm just not that in to you" 

Dear Martin the Masterbater,

Wow, you certainly put the "master" in the word masterbation don't ya?  I bet loads of socially awkward men from the oceans of plenty of fish seek out your knowledge in the art of masterbaition...you are like the handy-llama.  "I'd tap that?" I'm glad you felt the need to compare me to a keg because even if I were to consume the 1982 ounces of beer that a 1/2 keg holds, I still wouldn't find you attractive.  If you can't even pick up the dirty laundry that is on the floor of the bedroom at your parents house that you have never moved out of, you clearly are incapiable of picking up a woman. 

Dear Pubey Pablo,

I'm glad that a legamite quality you seek in a soulmate depends on wether their vagina is sporting a playoff beard or looks like a Mexican hairless chihuahua.  I mean screw personality, looks or income, apparently the key attribute to a long lasting relationship in your 

mind is if the carpet matches the drapes or is a hardwood floor. It's hard to believe that someone as intellegent as you, with such a intellegent mind set is single.  Considering its winter, I'm single and you aren't even worth a 2 pack of razors at the dollar store, I'll let you visualize me singing the Indiana jones theme as i pretend to use my machete to hack through the jungle, knowing it's not at all for you. 

Dear Chatty Charlie,

No I do not want to go ice skating with you, hence why I didn't respond. I did block you, because you felt the need to constantly send me messages to which I never responded, hoping you would get the point that I was not interested, but instead you insisted on continuing to have a conversation with yourself. All because you got a new screen name, and found me again, still doesn't make me interested in you. It's not because you have a "beautiful" daughter that I will not go out with you. Fyi-Everyone thinks their child is beautiful, so playing that card won't work. I admire the notion of "Not taking no for an answer" when it comes  to thinks like: getting a refund for something that defective, fighting for your right to party, or working a customer service job that is commission based for up selling, but annoying someone in to even talking to you, is not a good way to start a relationship that only exsists in your head. It will be a good morning for me when I dont wake up to 60 messages  sent from you during this one sided conversation...

Dear Jerk Off Jim -

You should be proud of what your life has become. I mean really, I hope you wake up every day, take a shit, look down at it, and reflect on the similarities between that heaping pile of shit and what your life has become.  Sadily I'm sure your roomate is used to hearing the sounds of your sobbing coming from your empty bedroom, post ejactulation. I envision your bedroom like that of an 18 year old boy. Posters of half naked women probably cover the walls, playboys and hustlers tucked under your twin mattess that is on the floor and credit card bills piled on the desk next to your computer, including charges from pornhub 

and other various porn and live cam sites. I'm sure turning on a black light would result in your bedroom glowing so brightly that it could be seen from space, revealing what one would think that the great sperm massacre of 69' occurred there. It's probably a good thing that your sperm has not actually generated anything productive aside from just making your room as sticky as the floor at any given bar in the south side.  I hope after the 11th profile that you will need to create on Pof because the first 10 were unsuccessful, that you still don't find anyone stupid enough to allow you to procreate.  I truly hope you find a swallower. 

Keeping it real

-Shelby 

Everyone is single for a reason...

Being single is a lot like drinking. Some of us just can't seem to find a drink that compliments us and is the perfect tasty mix, other drinks are so disgusting and nasty that after one sip they make us want to projectile vomit. There are even occurrences where some people just choose not to drink at all because it's better for them mentally or are even recovering from a terrible hangover.  

At the end of the day, regardless of wether you are the equavillant of a raging alcoholic like me that goes on plenty of first dates hoping to find the perfect cock-tail (get it? Cock-tail, ha!) or the recovering alcoholic who's ability to get super love drunk resulted in the worst hang over of your life, always remember you are single for a reason. 

As the eve of my 32 birthday approaches and I still continue to seach for my perfect concock-tion(haha I did it again) I always like to reflect on the past year, and it was by far the year of the asshole. In the love department, as always I made very terrible choices when it came to dating, finding myself doing the chasing and not the one being chased,  finding that the few that I took an actual liking in only for them to not feel it mutually, and my personal favorite, the ones that just really have no regard for other people's feelings and just take total advantage of your kindness.  Either way, I don't want a pity party, I have enough vodka fully stocked at my place to throw myself one hell of an unrememberable party. If anything, I'm 100% better off this year than I was last year when it comes to the life department because I have more friends now than I can say I have ever had, and I'm more greatful for that than anything. 

I decided I needed another break from online dating when yet another potential situation fizzled out like it always does, and I found myself not feeling that the feeling was mutual or that I was being chased adequately, so feeling defeated again, I waved the white flag and threw in the towel. 

I hid all profiles and let my match.com subscription run out, fully knowing that my social life will go from 3 dates a week to non exsistant....and im ok with that.  I'm smart enough to know that I'm not a fan favorite, and it's going to take someone who literally pisses awesomeness to win me over. 

With that being said, I have embraced my character flaws, and have used it to channel material for this blog and truly feel with my ongoing experience that online dating is a great alternative to birth control.  I feel parents should require 2 things now a days, 1. Watch the infamous 6th grade "miracle of birth" tape and 2. Put their children on a dating website for 1 month (in a controlled environment of course). Simply by allowing them to swim in a sea of the mostly socially awkward people that range from perverts, white trash, rednecks, extremely overweight, "I should be on the Maury Povich show bc I have several offspring", would cause any decent human being to want to get sterile. 

Finding your own level of normalcy in online dating is like finding a needle in a haystack. Granted, there are just as many genuinely nice people on these sites as their are degenerate fucks, but unfortunately even on the Internet, nice people finish last. 

The format of this blog is more informative and mean girl-ish than funny. With that being said, here is a collection of messages received that would get streamlined to the category of, "you are single for an obvious reason".

Dear Unmagic Mike-

Let me list the reasons as to why magic

school does not suffice as a proper education. 1. You spelled Pittsburgh wrong. Any true yinzer would find this to be an abomination to the entire Pittsburgh nation. Clearly hogwarts does not teach geography classes.  2. If you think me asking the men of online dating to be respectful is having strict morals, then clearly you are dumber than I thought you were and don't even understand the definition of exactly what "morals" are. Did you not learn from your classmate Harry Potter that doing the right moral thing leads to banging your best friends sister?  3. At the end of your message you bluntly state we wouldn't work out, but yet still waste my time by hitting the send button. It's a shame you can't use your magic to go back in time and just not send it all together. 

 

I can't figure out why this Prince Charming is single?

So the backstory to this is that this fucktard is the only person in 32 years to stand me up. Congrats on being the worlds worst liar asshole!  It is by far the worse lie I have came across.  If he ever contacts me again, I will literally break his dial finger so he will be incapiable of texting at all. 

I didn't know they give mental patients internet access. This is what I like to call "having a conversation with yourself".  He wants to hook up, shook up and be friends...he sounds like an unreleased Rick astley song.

Keep your pimp hand strong friend, just pretend it's someone else so you feel less pathetic ;)  

Awe everyone..please welcome back "mr. I can't handle rejection" from "the lonely hearts club" blog. After blocking this psychopath, he continued to msg me from a yet another different screen name. In addition to being a pathetic asshole, he also doesn't realize that arguing with someone online is like trying to punch air....moron

You had me at "I'll you a condom"...shows such sign of maturity and responsiblity....

Nothing says dateable than a crotch in a mirror pic...

nothing good ever comes by starting a conversation with "can I ask you something?"

And for ther finalie..

The return of Big Ron..

At the end of the last blog, Ron left us with dildo pictures and not taking no for an answer, clearly nothing has changed 

Thank you to everyone who reads this and shares with friends. I am truly greatful that you take the to read this, abd hope you get good laughs. If you are single, I hope you dont feel alone in the struggles of online dating. When in doubt, always think to yourself, "is this message blog worthy" and if the message is yes, rethink your strategy!

Keeping it real

Shelby 

Walking disasters...

Being notoriously good at being single, recently I have changed my views on dating. You see before, I was a pessimistic the glass is half empty type person that would not get excited at all about having to shower, put on make up and even leave the house. I felt this way because I went in to these dates mentally prepared for the worst while hoping for the best. I used to write someone off very easily even for saying one wrong thing. 

I now try to be a glass is half full kind of person that goes in to a date open mindedly giving someone the benefit of the doubt...unless they annoy me

Or disrespect me in any kind of way.  Once we reach that point it's hard to come back from...then they just become the laughing stock of me and my friends. 

Dating this time around has been different for me too, simply because for a change, I am actually enjoying myself. In lieu of getting down on myself because I don't forsee a second date or feel any chemistry, I'm learning to embrace the different types of people that I meet/go out with, and maturely come to the conclusion that they are not the one for me, and it's on to the next one in the event that sparks don't fly. 

Lately though, During my dating adventures, I have ran in to some doozies that really have legit reasons as to why they are single, and not just by my standards, but by societies. Anytime I feel as if I am slipping back in to negative Nancy mode by fatal flawing someone, I always consult my 2 closest female friends and other female counterparts that always give me a realistic answer. Most of the time, they agree with me, which is nice to know that my levels of normalcy align with theirs. 

And with that I present three dating experiences that I have been on recently that were noteworthy blog material...

Lemme take a selfie....

I had met a 38 year old financial broker on Pof. He seemed legit and right up my alley. He was good looking, tall and had decently normal pictures of himself on his profile. His descriptions were very well written and he seemed intelligent and in a good place with his life, and after messaging back and forth for a couple of days we exchanged numbers. 

Within the first couple of messages via text I received a selfie from him, which i 1. Did not ask for and 2. Really didn't understand why, when we weren't talking about anything selfie related, but trying to place logic behind it, I thought maybe he just wanted to confirm that he was not cat fishing me, so I let it go. Upon receiving the first selfie, I then received 3 more within a 5 minute span, all of which were already on his dating profile....it was at this point I knew I couldn't take this guy serious. 

I have a very strong opinion on selfies...and I'm sure I am going to offend like 1/3 of my Facebook friends when I go on my rant, but everyone is entitled to their own opinions right? 

I am not a selfie person. I do not take them and send them to random people for no reason nor do I post them on Facebook. Typically if I am sending you a selfie it is of a facial expression that I am making in response to a comment that you have made. On occasion, I will flick someone off, thumbs up, or even just smile and show crazy eyes, to reply in a witty way. The abuse of selfie taking has hit an all time high in recent years (thank you fucking all things kardashian) and now people feel the need to take selfies with no grounds behind them.  Nothing irritates me more than when someone posts a selfie and adds a headline that has absofuckinglotley nothing to do with the picture being shot. Seeing someone's face, followed by a caption that is a Marilyn Monroe quote does not make you cool, it's a cry for attention. Hey, if you are having a bad day and need a pick me up, that's fine - go for it. If you are looking good and want to show the world how awesome your make up is, I'll support that...but leave the goddam stupid redundant inspirational quotes or meaningless headlines to yourself and just leave it at "new makeup" or "I feel pretty today".  At least that way, you are directly asking for attention, in lieu of trying to be coy about it...men shouted from the roof tops that duck faces are super unattractive, yet we did it anyways...I really hope the selfie era ends as quickly as Adrian Petersons career did after doing something extremely stupid. 

So after 5 selfies in one text convo, I was exhausted and headed to bed. Unfortunately I was awoken to a "good morning selfie" which was him..lying in bed...shirt off...with his come hither eyes. I wanted to vomit. I truly thought a 38 year old man with a good job and great education would be smart enough to know not to act like a 21 year old self conscious college girl with daddy issues, but apparently I was wrong... And then it got even better when he asked me for a selfie to which I replied no...I don't do selfies. 

 

Our painful conversation continued and I was growing equally annoyed. In addition to the pictorial of his daily habits I had received, he was also one of those overly optimistic types that would end every text with "right on" and "I'm digging your positive energy". All I kept visualizing was Matthew McConaughey in tropic thunder where his character is an overly super annoying and positive. That was him and I wanted to fucking strangle him. 

As the days passed it became a fun experiment for me. I started to Pavlov's dog him. Every time he would send me a selfie, I would not respond, yet every time he would send me a normal text I would respond, just to see if he would subliminally get the hint, and of course he didn't.  It became a fun game for me, that I even shared with my friends as I would laugh over drinks and show them the fantastic pictorial that my iPhone so graciously assembled via its new update where it now summarizes every pic message that is sent between you and another person.   At this point I had to witness this human being in person, strictly for my own entertainment. So after 2 cancellations due to scheduling conflicts, the big date fell upon us. 

We agreed to meet at a local place that is known for their burgers. Him making it very clear that he is a health nut, chose the place which was surprising. As I was getting ready, he had asked me if the time was still good to which I replied "yepperz".  He then questioned my choice of words by adding a "z" to the word yepperz and continued to ask me yes or no questions. I had noticed after answering "yepperz" 2 times he had became annoyed. Had I had finally found his kryptonite?!  Yepperz!  

I continued for the next few text messages to add the letter "z" to everything, just for shitz and gigglez. This really got him worked up and annoyed and at this point I absolutely couldn't wait to meet him. 

Upon his arrival, he looked exactly like his pictures..all 27 of them that he had previously sent to me, so it was hard for him to fool me. It was sad because he was tall, good looking and well dressed.   As he sat down at the table, we began the painful 1 hour convo, it began with micromanaging of my entree choice. When I told the waitress that I wanted only meat and cheese on my burger, he glared across the table at me like a confused puppy. When I asked him what's up, he asked why I got a plain burger, and explained to him that I don't eat vegetables. It was almost watching a robot go in to meltdown mode, I could of swore I saw smoke coming from his ears as the mouse stopped running, because he then proceeded to tell me how weird I am, and gave me a lecture for 5 minutes about the necessity of vegetables in an every day diet. It was the eye roll heard around the world for me, and I you felt the earth shift a bit one random Saturday in October, that was my feeling of giving a fuck leaving the restaurant and entering the atmosphere...so sorry for that if you felt it. 

 

After struggling through a conversation that consisted of clean food choices via crockpotting, finding out that Joe Magnello was not the sexy beast in high school he is today in return this mind set indirectly fuels the life in to my battery operated objects, and watching him squirm as I ate the bread separately front my sandwich (because bread is empty calories, right on) we then got to the most important part of the date, "why do you add "z" to everything?" 

I replied accordingly, "I'm sorry does it bother you that I do that?"  He said-"yes, it's improper grammar". "Oh so it really annoyed you huh?" I asked. "Yes it did," he replied. "Oh ok, so now you know what it's like for me everytime  you send me a selfie that pertains to nothing conversation related, you are welcome!" Again looking like a confused puppy I explained to him that a 38 year old man should not be acting like a 21 year old college girl with self esteem issues and he should know better. He agreed to never send me a selfie ever again, and I felt at that instance that I had won a small battle in the ongoing selfie war. As we wrapped things up all I wanted to do was get home, so naturally when he asked me for coffee afterwards, i declined and literally gave him the "2 pats on the back hug" and jumped in my car as if I was carjacking myself. Literally as I pulled in the drive way I got a text telling me that he thought that we should just be friends and it was a pleasure meeting me. That was one friend zone I was more than happy to enter. 

Two weeks later when I posted my skanky Halloween costume pics across the dating websites to draw out the freaks, I got a text from him. Apparently he saw my pics and felt maybe he had jumped the gun about the just being friend thing....I didn't even justify that comment with an answer....

Do you want to go to the pirate game?During my first try at match.com in my early 20s I didn't have much luck. Granted, I also wasn't the same person that I am now, so when the only guy I ever went out with from round one found me on linked in, I decided I would be willing to give it another go. I remember his fatal flaw years ago was that he wore a guido chain (pre Kesha "Jesus on my necklace reference") and a blazer to our date to McFaddens to watch a pens game. Naturally, I wore pens gear and jeans, because that is what is considered normal attire to wear to an establishment that even at its cleanest and emptiest reeks of vomit and your shoes stick to the floor like quicksand. I remember the convo being pretty normal, but he was just extremely overdressed for the occasion and I fatal flawed him. 

Fast forward several years later, where I appreciate a guy in sports gear any day, I thought maybe I may have over reacted, and decided to give it another go. 7 years had passed and I have grown up a lot since then, both mentally and maturely. 

Upon our initial convo, I discovered I still had his number in my phone, and there was no crazy note attached to it like "Steve daddy issues" or "Mark DONOT ANSWER" so I figured he wasn't all that bad.  So we began to plan the date accordingly. 

He had mentioned that he had tickets to a Friday night Pirates game. I was totally ok with a Pirate game date because it's unique and told him that was ok if he wanted to do that, to which he said ok.  That was Tuesday. 

On Wednesday, I got the standard "HI, how is your day" text, which led to normal convo. Mid way through he asked me, "so what do you want to do on Friday?"  I was a bit taken back by this considering I thought we had confirmed we were going to the pirate game. I even went back in to my texts to make sure I wasn't making it up. Sure enough there had been a text from Tuesday saying the pirate game was ok. 

Confused I replied, "I thought we already said we were going to the pirate game?" To which he replied, "well I wasn't sure if you still wanted to go, so I gave those tickets away.  It's ok I will get new ones."  Strange, I thought. What is any more crystal clear to someone then Yes let's go to the pirate game on fri?  Not really sure how one would mistake that?  Oh well no big deal, I thought and the convo continued. 

Almost 5 minutes later he asked me again, what I wanted to do on Friday and at this point I was starting to get annoyed. Either he is kinda dumb, suffers from memory issues, is on something, or not paying attention. As slightly angry as one can get over text msg I said," I just said 5 min ago and yesterday, let's go to the pirate game."   Almost immediately my phone rings and its him. 

"I figured this would be easier" he said, and instead of talking about our plans he started with small talk. After a couple of min, he says, "so what do you want to do on Friday?"  Im baffled at this point, and finally being able to hear my frustration in my voice said, "ok for the 4th time, why don't we go to the pirate game?"  He then gave this explanation that he wanted to make sure I was ok with going to the pirate game with him so he was just making sure...4 times apparently. At this point, the exciting feeling of going to the game on Friday was drifting down the river of dating despair. I'm not sure what was more painful, saying yes to the date and additional 5th time, or trying to coordinate a location to meet. 

I had suggested that since I work downtown it was easier for me to just stay in town after work and just walk to the north shore and meet him. Apparently it was almost as if it was a system meltdown and his brain went in to panic mode, because the idea confused him. "Don't you want to ride in to the game together?" He said, to which I explained to him it was easier and logically easier for me to just meet him on the north shore. Makes sense right?  Nope not to him. He wanted me to get on a bus going out of the city, to which he would pick me up at said bus stop only to head back in to the city for the game. Saying the entire idea out loud lowered my own IQ a few points.  After informing him that there was absolutely no way that I was going to do that plan we finally agreed to meet at a North Shore location. We had set a time a location and exactly when I thought we had actually made any kind of progress as to nailing down detailed plans he then stop the conversation and asked "so what do you want to do on Friday?"  At this point I was now exceptionally annoyed and I was convinced that he was on something. Trying not to show my frustrations and go into total bitch mode I decided to change the conversation. We then began to talk about the past seven years of our lives (mostly me and an emphasis on the past 2 years of mine), to which we started talking about our own trials and tribulations. I began to talk about how I was hosting singles events and through hosting singles events I was meeting great people and started talking about my one friend who was going through a transitional time where unfortunately his ex was a coworker. 

As I got halfway through my story he stopped me and said "I have a friend, and he was going through a rough time too so I helped him". Then there was an awkward silence at the end of the phone because I expected him to elaborate. That's when I realize I think he fell asleep and he had no intentions of elaborating because his train of thought trailed off. That was my cue to end the conversation. Literally the minute that I hung up the phone I texted him and said we should probably not hang out because I didn't think our personalities would click. My surprise I got a very simplistic reply of "ok". Two weeks later I got a random text message from him at 2 o'clock in the morning asking me where I've been, to which I just ignored. 

The next week I was talking to one of my friends and we were catching up and what was new and exciting in our lives. She then proceeded to tell me about how the night before she had gone out with a guy who turned out to be exceptionally weird. She continued to tell me details about her date and how she went to a bar and met up with this guy and two of his friends and within five minutes of meeting him he was already trying to put his arms around her waist and telling her how much he liked her. She said there was something off about him chill and how the conversation just didn't really flow. Headed felt good secretly knowing that I wasn't the only one going on a terrible date with a weird person so I asked her to send me a picture of this guy. I literally almost shit a brick when I was looking at a picture of the same guy that I didn't go to the pirate game with... Out of all of the men in Pittsburgh my friend went out with pirate game guy unbeknownst to either of us... I have literally called her and told her the entire story about pirate game guy the day it happened... The world literally got smaller that day. 

Blast from the past

I had met this guy in 2008 randomly at Jekyll and Hyde halfway to Halloween party. I don't even remember how I happened but we ended up striking up a conversation having similar interests and ended up hanging out a couple of times but nothing ever came out of it so instantly I just assumed that we would remain friends. How is being a perfect gentleman to me and taking care of me when I was belligerent drunk I always had a special place in my heart for this guy but in a friend kind of way.  With each passing year the phone calls and the text sporadically stopped and it turned into a hey how are you every once in a while. Then about three years later I got a Random text the change the entire dynamic of our relationship. And started asking me all of these weird sexual questions that involve vibrators, dildos and anal beads oh my!  I was absolutely shocked to know that this guy could've possibly been what 50 shades of gray was based off of. Where did I have an exceptionally low filter but when I start to get invited to ram random objects up males asses that's not really my thing. So there was a period of time where I didn't respond to him, because I wanted no part of it.  Waking up to a message from somebody asking you to use butt plugs on them typically means your day is going to start out hilariously. 

So after a few years had passed I didn't really expect to hear from him because I had assumed that he had found his Anastasia Steele and was living happily ever after anal beads and all. So I was rather shocked when an old acquaintance of mine texted me to tell me that he had messaged her on plenty of fish looking for me. Realizing that he was single again could only mean one of two things 1. He was still trying to discover his freaky side and needed a friend to talk about it or 2. He experimented, moved on from that phase and just wanted to catch up for old time sake.  So after a brief discussion we decided to meet up for dinner. Hadn't changed a bit since I last saw him. Still very good looking very polite and it was almost as if no time had passed since we last spoke. Out of common courtesy I waited until at least dinner had arrived to start asking him about his sexual encounters. He was very shy to talk about it and I could tell that he wasn't telling me everything so I try to get as much information out of him as I possibly could without making him feel uncomfortable. He tried to play it off as if he was over that life and ready to live a vanilla lifestyle. Luckily I've known him for so many years that I can smell bullshit a mile away when it comes to him. I knew he was lying to try to get into my good graces and that was fine because I still even after all of these years wasn't attracted to him in that way. As no surprise that at the end of the night I got the awkward text that said I like you, we should date. The entire night I tried to Divert the entire conversation away from that exact result.  I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I politely tiptoed around the idea that he was definitely not the one for me. I thought I'd handled the situation very well and mature and even adult like. And then a few days later this conversation happened.... 

Needles to say...dodged a bullet, or dildo with this one...

I would like to dedicate this blog to anybody and everybody who is ran across somebody during their dating experiences that is just a little bit off, or is it slightly abnormal, and is a great story to tell your friends about. I will say that for these three terrifying experiences I have had many more positive ones. Even though I haven't found "the one" yet, i'm at least enjoying the ride. just remember if you can't laugh at yourself, you shouldn't laugh at other people...

Keeping it real-

Shelby