Another Shot at Love - Craigslist Style

                Being that I haven't written about Craigslist for a while, I decided to revisit it to see if things have gotten any better, and it hasn't.  One thing that most people aren't smart enough to figure out is that if you are a true internet stalker and the information is available, people don't have to send you a picture, you can look up their email address via Facebook.  So some guys that didn't send me pictures, I was still able to find via Facebook, which makes it even more weirder.  I posted the following pictureless ad:      

Hello. Thanks for reading my ad. I am a 29 year old girl who has been single for a little over 5 years, and where I enjoy the single life, it does get a bit old not having some consistency in my life. I'm a normal average girl. I have a job, a car, an apartment, no children, and have no drama (other than like the normal girl stuff my friends get me in to). I am 5'5, brown eyes, brown hair, about 130. According to those that know me, I'm funny, sarcastic, sweet, slightly immature and a non-sugar coater. I am real! The Oscars are on tonight! Send a pic if you would like, if not that's fine too.

Thanks
    

I posted this ad at 7:30 P.M on Sunday 2/26.  As of Monday 2/27 at 8:00 p.m. I have received the following:

124 messages

13 phone numbers

2 replies from people that I actually know

1 dick picture

Here are some of my favorite messages that I would now like to share with you....

Hey the single life does get out I been single since 08. So what do we do from here I'm new to all this add stuff. Let's c I'm 5'8 200 lbs full blood italian man that wants to find that one that makes me want to come home from work if u know what I mean

Dear Mario –

            According to your FB profile, which is the new law of the land, you just got out of a relationship on January 24^th of this year.  So with that being said, your first sentence is a lie.  Knowing that you are lying in a failed attempt to make me feel better about my own personal life already makes me hate you.  Clearly, by looking at your profile picture that shows you with 3 young children, I’m going to assume that you are not in fact “Uncle of the Year,” but are probably divorced.  You also fail to mention your age.  Thank goodness for Facebook to allow me to find out that you graduated high school in 91’ making you roughly 38-39.  No, I really don’t know what you mean by finding someone that “makes you want to come home from work.”  Unless you work part time as a mansion house sitter, I don’t see why you have troubles wanting to come home unless when you were married, going home for you was about as exciting as a blind man going to see a silent movie.   

......Are you still single?
I mean most girls I know who are close to your age are already saying that they are too oldand ready to settle down but you are out there still free... that just means you haven't found the oone that mists blows your mind or you're a lil player... I'm hoping its the first I mentioned ...anyways if you are interested in getting to know someone unique then you should drop everything you're to meet me! ,:)

Send u a pic next time if you answer I guess

Dear Cheshire Cat –

            It’s not your curiosity that is killing me, it’s the fact that you managed to offend me in 3 of the 6 sentences you sent me.  Does everything that comes out of your mouth repel women, or is it just when you are trying to win them over in your valiant internet wooing efforts? Yes you dumbass, nothing has changed in the past 15 hours since I posted this ad to make me not be single.  Internet dating does not work that quickly, however I’m sure based on the idiotic message you sent me, you probably think that unicorns are real and believe in love at first type.  After looking up your FB profile, I notice 2 things.  1. I am actually quite shocked that your message to me was not in broken English, and 2. I can’t pinpoint how old you are but I’m going to guess you are younger, considering my next point.  Here is a tip, if you are going to use the term “close to your age,” the only acceptable way to contextualize it would be “I have a brother/sister that is close to your age.”  Using that phase in any other context is basically telling a girl “my age” everything that her married friends, mother, aunt and concerned gay friends already tell her.  I do not need to be told from a total stranger that my well is slowly drying up.  I’m not exactly what a “mists blows your mind” is exactly, but it reminds me of a swimming pool massacre.   If I were a player, do you really think I would turn to Craigslist of all places to find anyone worth “playing?”  I’d have better luck playing the “What eating disorder does this Victoria’s Secret model have” game. 

interested in getting to know a good looking 29 year old married guy?

Dear Married Guy,

            Thank you for proving that marriage is no longer viewed as scared.  Why the fuck would I want to get to know you if your married?  I don’t care how “good looking” you say you are, you are about as useless to me as an expired condom.  I was unaware that when posting my ad, I had to make it idiot proof by requesting that only single guys respond.  If you are in need of female attention that bad, go to a strip club or hire a hooker.  I really hope that karma comes back around full circle in the form of a fat, desperate stage 5 clinger that stalks the hell out of you until your wife finds out what you have been up to.  If you have that much disrespect for your wife to be responding to Craigslist personal ads, I can only imagine what the outcome of this relationship would be.  You really make me want to start my own "Cheaters" reality tv show, except on my show, your wife gets to castrate you on camera, tool.

I no how u fee I have been single well all my life I hope to hear from you soon

Dear Solo Rider

            Where I am saddened to hear that you have been single your whole life, I don't really feel that this message has any "wow" factor to get me to respond.  The best way I can put your life in to perspective is by considering you to be in the "puppy" stage of your love life.  Maybe if Maybe if I were 18 again and had the time and energy to housebreak you, teach you how to be independent, and show you some tricks, I would consider dating you, however I am way past my breaking point.  Openly admitting to being single your entire life leads me to believe that you use the internet solely for the purpose of finding a significant other.  I'm sure you have probably messaged me several times on the 20 other websites that you are on, and probably wrote me a book about your sob story of a life without love.  Instead of hoping to find a girlfriend via Craigslist why don't you stop playing World of Warcraft, shower, leave your parents basement and become a person that actually goes out with real friends (Farmville buddies do not count).  Also, you may want to consider getting a GED, because your communication skills are a bit off.  "I no how you fee" sounds like something I would hear from a Jamaican Psychic hotline.

Hello 29 year old single

Want to meet a caring, honest. never

married 45 year old established, swm

Then look no further for the moment and check my

lifestyle out.

seeking pretty laid back gal for Ltr with possible

marriage with the right woman.

PS

I fuck well, and have been retired for a good many years.

Send pic so your new man can check you out.

Dear Well-Fucker

            There are many reasons that you have been single for 45 years, however for time’s sake, I will only reflect on several.  I don’t even want to know about your profession; considering you are 45 and have been retired for “a good many years” it leads me to believe that you are a either a retired drug dealer, porn star or gigolo.  I would not be surprised if you rocked a pornstache in the 80’s while doing lines of coke off of strippers’ asses.  When you mention your “lifestyle” I can only imagine what that maybe.  You probably are a gold card member to a swingers club who beats off in the bathroom knowing you are not even a drunk girls last resort.  You would be better off going to an AA meeting or a rehab center to meet “the right woman.”  The fact that you claim to “fuck well,” leads me to believe that some dumb bitch that slept with you developed a case of cock envy after looking in to your wallet, and stroked not only your dick, but your ego too.  Clearly you have convinced yourself that every girl you slept with truly had an orgasm, when in reality probably faked it to keep your spirits up.  The only picture that I would send you, is a picture of a Summer’s Eve brand douche, this way you can see a reflection of yourself through your new girls eyes.

So in conclusion, where I am seeing less perverts on Craigslist, it has now shifted to the super desperate and lonely, and the demographic is changing as well.  40% of the messages I received were from men 35+.  Keep it up Craigslist, or I will run out of things to blog about!

Keepin it real -

Shelby

Annoying Things People Do On Facebook - A response to another blog

Annoying Things People Do On Facebook - A response to another blog

Two days ago, I noticed a link that several people posted in regards to a blog entitled “15 things white girls love to do on Facebook (  Click Here to Read This Blog ) I decided to check it out to get an understanding to see the things that I “apparently love to do” since I fall in to the demographic.  Overall the blog was clever, but I really had to disagree with a lot of the points that were made.   I feel that I do way more annoying things than what the blog had listed. 

Here is a list of things I compiled with the help of some friends, that I think put things in to perspective a little better for both men and women:

7 annoying things that women love to do on FB

1.    The ducky/kissy face/scissor gang mafia pose.

You can’t deny it ladies, at one point; we have all taken pictures of this, and it’s sad but true.   For me, it’s typically when I’m drunk.   Rather than looking cute, I appear as if I am a wannabe thug with down-syndrome.  Most of the girls that think this is cute are not of legal drinking age, which is still no excuse.  Your faces look like you just smelled a fart.   I would love to hunt down the duck faced hippy bitch that convinced women this was ok, and hook her up with the guy that made shirtless mirror pictures acceptable. Together, these two could give Heidi and Spencer Pratt a run for their money on all levels of worlds lamest couple. 

2.      Threaten someone who pissed them off via status message.

Ok great you got beef with someone.  Thanks for letting the whole world know.  Chances are this person isn’t even your Facebook friend, meaning they aren’t going to see any snide indirect remarks that you are making about them.  In order to make this socially acceptable, I would much rather see you call them out to some sort of death match and create a Facebook event for me to attend.  Watching something unfold in real life is more exciting than watching you try to bust a caps lock on someone’s ass via Facebook.

3.      Have entire conversations with their immediate friends via fb wall. 

I remember the days before Facebook where if people had a question, they would just pick up the phone.  Now a days, rather than doing that, we find pleasure in the laziness of posting a question to someone’s wall for all to see, which typically comes from our Facebook phone app anyways.   I don’t know about you but posting “Hey, how did your gynecologist appointment go, everything negative?”  on my friends wall sounds so much better on a Facebook wall, than in private. 

Song Lyrics that end with a heart character <3

I am a musician; therefore I have a professional respect for good song lyrics.  I don’t understand why women need to reinforce gushy lyrics with a heart at the end.  It’s annoying.  Do you think that by putting a heart at the end of love song lyrics, I'm not smart enough to know your happy about something?  It's Facebook, not an episode of Glee.  Every time I see your little hearts, a love song by Papa Roach comes to mind: "Cut my life in to pieces, this is my last resort <3"

Comment Whores

I love seeing a random girl’s picture pop up on my wall where 100 of my male friends are tagged in it.  Seriously?  Are you that much of an attention whore that you feel the need to tag random strangers to comment on your pic?  Unless you are trying to find participants in your "Facebook 2012 Gang Bang," I suggest you stop trolling for compliments, put some clothes on, stop being a attention whore and join an online dating website. 

Boyfriend/Husband Envy

I’m happy that you’re happy. However, is it really necessary  to constantly express your love for him on your status messages?  I’m not saying this because I’m single and bitter that you’re happy, I’m saying this because every time I log in, I could give a shit less reading about how he brought you flowers, breakfast in bed or actually accomplished taking out the trash without you asking.   I'm sure before you met him, you were actually interesting to talk to because you had a life of your own.  Now with your new found penis envy, your life is about as exciting as a blind man at a strip club. 

Uploading Pictures/Checking in places

If you were reality TV show worthy, MTV would have contacted you.  Obviously since I do not see a TV show about your life on any cable channels, there is no need to constantly upload pictures of your entire life as it is happening while informing people where you are all the time. Clearly if you have the time to update me as to every little thing you are doing, you don't have much excitement in your life.  Facebook is for friends, they are not your fans.  Stop thinking that you the next  Kim Kardashian of Facebook.  If you have all this free time to constantly be active on Facebook, maybe you do something with your life, like getting a legitimate job and become a useful member of society. 

7 annoying things that men do on Facebook

1.  Sports envy

Any female knows that you cannot condone a man for his love of sports.  Unless you intend on turning a gay man straight, it is something that comes with the territory.   Nothing is more annoying than logging on to FB to find your wall flooded with game updates.  Chances are, I'm already watching, I do not need 200 status updates telling me what the score is.  I don't understand the need to express "WOW DID YOU SEE THAT HIT?" Yes I saw it Captain Obvious, I'm watching the same damn thing you are.  If only men could channel that excitement in to more productive things like "I JUST MADE A SANDWICH ALL BY MYSELF." Not only would that be more exciting, it may actually earn yourself a blow job from the girlfriend/wife that you neglect during game time.

2.  Using Facebook as a dating service

All because  we have mutual friends, doesn't mean we should date.  Girls appreciate the idea that you think we are pretty and want to get to know us, but nothing is more creepier than getting a random add from a total stranger who then proceeds to ask you out.  If you are that interested in finding a date, go to an actual dating website.  If you're really interested someone via Facebook, ask our mutual friend to talk to us first.  Scoping FB for women about as sad as  discovering you have 1 daily video left on youporn.

3.  No pictures of yourself at all

How can I tell if I went I know you if the only pictures you have on your profile are of your car, dog, house and favorite sports teams?  This is annoying for several reasons.  You are capable of uploading pictures obviously, however, why feel the need to hide?  Did you gain 100 lbs?  Are you now bald?  We don't care if you drive a Lexus, live in a mansion or love the Steelers.  We want to know if you are who we think you are, because right now all you are is some pompous asshole with a identity complex.  Unless you are Batman by night, that may be why no one is responding to your friend requests.

4.  Girlfriend/Wife Envy

It's definitely cute when a guy can express his feelings toward his partner, however when it's on a daily basis, it becomes less manlier and more gay.  Obviously if you feel the need to tell the world how great and wonderful she is, your happy and that's fine.  It's not fine when you turn in to a babbling idiot who feels the need express your love to her daily, on Facebook - for all of your friends to see.  There is already 1 vagina in the relationship, if you keep sharing your feelings with the world you may in fact grow a vagina of your own. FYI - all of your single friends already probably think you've already turned in to one.

5. Shirtless Mirror Pics

This is the equivalent to the kissy/ducky faces that girls do.  Where I appreciate a nicely toned male body, nothing is more douchier than seeing a half naked man taking a picture in front of a mirror.  This is Facebook, not Myspace.   If you're at the beach or pool, or even doing something productive like working outside that's one thing, but to stage a photo shoot of yourself in your bathroom mirror, your just confirming what the rest of your friends were thinking - you are an absolute tool and probably one of those guys that make fun of the girls that make the kissy faces.  I hate to tell you, but maybe rather than taking a picture of yourself in the mirror, maybe you should just look at yourself, and see what a jackass you've become.

6.  Making a statement and responding with a negative comment

No one likes a Debbie Downer.  If you are going to bitch and moan about being single/lonely/wishing you had someone/having a bad day, don't respond with a prickish comment.  Its "mooch" repellant.  Nothing is more annoying than trying to help a guy cheer up, only for them to bring you down because they are miserable.  It's not the person respondings fault that you are a miserable, lonely son of a bitch in a foul mood.  Maybe you should revisit your outlook on life, grab a glass of wine and call an escort.

7.  Tagging Yourself In places

Again another annoying thing that guys do, however there is a flip side to it.  If I am avoiding you, and know where you are going to be, I now know where not to go.  I don't care if you are the mayor of Erotica or the President of Mt. Washington.  If I wanted to know where you were going to be, I would of politely asked.  I don't want to hear you complain when that crazy ex girlfriend starts showing up places that you are at causing trouble.  You did it to yourself by telling the world where you are.  Until I know that you are as far away from me as possible...I'm content.

Keepin' it Real

Special thanks to Katie, 2 random girls, and Paul for the input!

Shelby