Speeddate.com - A chalk full of fucking weirdo's

            In a desperate attempt to capitalize on the lonely at heart, some genius decided to develop a dating website that allows you to communicate for free with people for 5 minutes (unless you are dumb enough to pay for a subscription, then you get more time) similar to a speed dating session. You also get the option to send 1 message to someone, to which if they respond, you must subscribe to read.   I have never been an advocate that singles should ever have to pay to communicate with potential partners, however  I decided to check this site out to see how legit it actually was.

            The problem with this site is that just about anyone from all walks of life and all areas of the planet can message you.  After having a drunken St. Patrick's day revelation paired with almost a year of yearning for someone who lives out of state, I realized falling for/chasing anyone that lives outside of an hour radius of you is about as useless as a limp dick.  Yet on this site, it is chalk full of people that are hopeful that some stupid girl will travel to the ends of the earth for love.  I would not be surprised if the ID channel had enough material based on this website to create an entire series based on hopelessly romantic people that actually have traveled out of state to meet people "offline".

            I would now care to share with you some of the messages that I received from this website, proving yet again, another website that is an epic fail in connecting normal singles to one another.

63/M/Baltimore, MD

would Love to get to know you better.

Dear Gramps:

            It's not your message that creeped me out, it was simply the fact that you seem to think I have some sort of "Anna Nicole" look about me, which if anything is quite insulting.  You have officially became the oldest man to message me on a dating website.  Not that this is much of an accomplishment, I will say I am quite impressed that: 1. You actually know how to use a computer without the help of your immediate family members, 2. You managed to upload a picture of yourself showcasing how many wars you have witnessed and 3. You still have big, (yet I don't want to imagine how wrinkly they are) balls to message someone who is old enough to be your daughter.  I'm sorry that things at the senior center are not working for you when it comes to finding you a partner that you can share the rest of your short life with, but where manthers preying on girl my age are terrible, grandmathers preying on girls my age are just terrifying.  I'm sure that in your search you will find some young dumb gold digging tramp that will bite and take full advantage of your pension and manipulate you to change your will, however where I have very loose morals to begin with, I'd much rather take my chances sleeping  with a guy that can't get it up due to alcohol consumption, rather than can't get it up without the usage of Viagra. 

21/M/Brandford Canada

Hey, what color underwear are you wearing?

Dear Polly Panty -

            I'm glad that with all that is wrong with the world, your focus is not my stance on the homeless, world peace, or birth control - your inquiring mind wants to know what color underwear I am wearing.  I can understand why you resort to online dating to meet women.  Clearly, this line has probably gotten you smacked in the face, kicked in the nuts and/or resulted in a pepper spraying incident when you tried it at the bar.  At what point did you think it would be good to try it on a dating website?  Idolizing Glenn Quagmire is not a positive life goal.   I don't know if Canadian women are just that easy, dumb or desperate, but in the US, that line wouldn't even work on a Hill District prostitute.  I had a friend who dated a guy that she caught sniffing her underwear, I can only imagine that you are a distant relative of his.  You may want to consider your sexuality, considering you may be the only "straight" guy on this planet that is concerned if I color coordinate undergarments.  It makes me wonder, if I would of replied "what is underwear" if you would of instantly nutted in your pants, or if your dong would of inverted back in to your stomach. 

19/M/Churchill, NY

hey sëxy, do you want a young online sëx slave???

Dear Mr. Slave -

    I'm not seeing the benefit to having a young online sex slave.  1. You are 19 years old, if I wanted something with tiny nuts that needed trained, I'd much rather invest in a baby squirrel.  The fact that you are so young, and offering up your penis to me on a cyber plate, leads me to think that you have more mental issues than the cracked out version of Charlie Sheen.  I must have missed the memo that cyber sex was cool again?  I am intrigued as to how you would be my slave via a computer.  Would that mean you would try to stick your dick in the webcam?  Or would you stroke your mouse in a sexual way while licking a lollypop?  I'm still not seeing how this would be beneficial.  Where it would be quite entertaining to see what exactly outrageous, demoralizing things I would make you do, watching a baseball player scratch his balls is more of a turn on.  I think you will have better luck finding a dominant on Chat Roulette. I have better things to do with my life and with my vibrator than waste any AA's on this conversation.

42/M/Johnstown, PA

hello Shelby, I must confress, your profile has really captured my attention and i will love to share in the joy of your life, in fact i want to get to know you if you don't mind. I will be glad if we get to know each other and become friends. You never know we could become the success story as in good couples. I want to fine someone to be in good relationship with that right person. Love is not about finding a person, but creating a right relationship. It's not about how much love you have in the beginning, but how much love you buid till the end. A relationship is a two way street. It's never all your fault or the other person. If your are interested...... Send back so we can learn to know each other. Hope to hear from you soon.

Dear Sammy Sensitive -

    I'm sad for you that you are 42 years old and your balls still have yet to drop.  I get that since you are a bit older than me, that you may have more worldly knowledge, however with all the bullshit about love that you wrote in this message, and the fact that you are on an online dating website looking for it, leads me to believe that you do not know your ass from a hole in the ground.  Watching the Lifetime network every chance you get will not help you find "the one", nor will it help you better understand what women want.  It sounds to me like you want to be featured on an episode of "A Wedding Story."   It's clear you have never been married, because where a relationship may be a "2 way street", a marriage is a mutiny.    Once you get married, as a male, all of your opinions are invalid and you are always wrong, and sex is withheld until you realize it's her way or the highway.  Just like there is no crying in baseball, there is no reasoning in marriage.  I learned at 18 that fairy tales don't  exists, does Disney need to make a happy endingless fairy tale just for you to get the point?

33/Pittsburgh, PA

well to be fair to all of the men, you make it difficult to not think about sex the way you fill those jeans. :) How you doin?

Dear Dr. Douche

      Well to be fair to all women, do you really think I'm going to engage in any conversation with you considering you use the terms "fill those jeans" and "sex" in the same sentence.  Your about as smooth as a rock garden.   From 2 sentences I have already decided that you are 1 of 2 types of guys.  Type #1: Below average looking guy that thinks he's hotter than what he is due to surrounding himself with women that have already rejected him but keep them as "best friends".   You keep these girls around to boost your ego so that when you talk to women online (which is your only means of communicating with them), you feel confident in saying, "well my girl friends think I'm attractive. This leads you to believe that you do not in fact come off like a total creeper but a "cute" guy because you have "friends" lying to you to give you a sense of false confidence.  Type #2:  You got a lot of tail in your hay day and are realizing that you are getting older, less attractive and 18 year old girls aren't in to you as much as they used to be.    You nonchalant try to play off sexual innuendos with the hopes that it will come off as a compliment, not knowing that it makes you look weird and unknowingly showcases your ass fetish.  Your track record probably consists of girls that are butter faces, because you are at the point in your life where you are so lonely and desperate that you will stick it in any available hole that walks your way. 

19/M/Joliet, IL

aye:)

        

Dear Captain Ghetto-

     Judging by the 1 profile picture that you have posted that shows your backwards hat, well trimmed facial hair and tattoo on your neck, I'm going to guess that you are either culturally confused or your profession as a wigger pirate isn't getting you anywhere at all with the wenches.    Fortunately for you, you have time to 1. Go to college, 2. grow out of your Fubu wearing, West Coast rapper stage and 3. Make English your primary language and make Pirate Ebonics a hobby.  Where it may have been cool when I was 18 years old, the thrill of that is gone.  The only gangster in my life involves rap music on my Ipod.  The lame smiley face you put after your one word introduction leads me to believe that you probably think you are being cute when in reality it should be a crime worthy of firing squad.  I'm sure you think running the drug operation out of the Burger King that you work at may make you cool, but it really just makes you look pathetic.  Since you must be 18 to be on Speedate, maybe you should cancel your membership and go trolling the local malls for a 16 year old girl with daddy issues. Being that you are of legal age, you can be their parental escort to see the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie where you can "spit some game" and compare your life to that of Johnny Depp's imaginary character. 

38/M/Sewickley, PA

I want to put my cock in your mouth

Dear Dicky Do Da -

            Wow you are quite the class act.  Let me put it this way friend, you can want in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets filled up first.  Maybe instead of relying on you porn fantasies and internet dating sites, you should stick to what you know best: hookers and strip clubs.  You clearly suffer from an extreme case of "cock envy" where you think that every girl with a mouth wants your potentially diseased dick in it.  My only curiosity to see your penis would be to witness how much skin you have rubbed off it from jacking off to one too many lipstick commercials, because I'm going to assume you don't get out much.  You would be better off setting up a glory hole in a women's rest top on route 79 than attempting to romance a female.  You are probably single because any relationship that you have had, rather than presents on holidays you probably tied a ribbon around your cock and considered it a "gift".  Where I understand that a blow job is the sentimental equivalent of receiving flowers and clearly you put your penis on a pedestal, I am sure there is a girl out there that find this appealing and allow you to put your cock in her mouth.   I also hope that she rakes the hell out of it, draws blood, and you scream like a little bitch, or you get herpes...I'd be ok with either outcome. 

Keeping it real -

Shelby

Did that really just happen to me?

                Every so often, any normal person experiences a "What the Fuck" moment.  Pending on their mood at the time of the occasion, sometimes it is taken in laugher, confusion and sometimes disgust.  I am not claiming that these occurrences happen to me on a steady basis, however when they do, they always make for a great story.

Indoor Waterfall

                My ex and I had hit the point on our relationship where going out was non-existent.  Him, being an unemployed college grad living with his parents, and myself being a professional waitress also living with my parents, a big night out for us consisted of Pizza and TV.  At times, when we would venture out it would turn in to me dating myself, in which I would pick up the tab for both of us, since I was the only one at the time with any kind of income.  Out of the blue and the kindness of his heart, my ex decided that he wanted to do something special for me and planned an entire day of fun filled events.  Confused because he was not really one to be spontaneous, I was ecstatic and looking forward to it.

                At the time, we were living an hour away from each other, so when I was walking out the door to make the pilgrimage to his house my mom (who thinks she is a self made weather reporter), warned me to be careful because there were some storms coming in to the area.  Being that my mom's weather  reporting skills reflect those of "The Girl Who Cried Wolf,"  I assured her I would be safe and got in the car to being my journey.  1/4 tank of gas, 1 hour and $1.50 in turnpike tolls I had arrived.  Upon my arrival, my ex was very excited and proud of the day's events that he had planned.  He wouldn't give me any details, so we proceeded to hop in his car and go to the first location. 

                We started on Mount Washington.  It was a sunny, spring day.  Some people feel that Mount Washington's look out points are romantic, spiritual and even picturesque.  This was about my 100th trip to it, however I didn't want my ex to know that in fear that he would be discouraged.  As we were basking in the city's view, I looked to my left to notice what appeared to be the apocalypse.  The sky was turning from a pale blue to a black death color which happened to be heading our way.  I pointed this out to him, and which he said to me "Well this may ruin our next stop, South Side Works."  I had never been to South Side Works, nor really didn't see what was so special about it, but like any good girlfriend I didn't question, I just got in the car and tried to show some sort of excitement for his planning. 

                While several blocks away, a torrential downpour started.  Lightning, wind and rain that was shaking the car.  It was what I had imagined experiencing a hurricane may be like and we are stuck right in the middle of it.  We proceeded to find shelter in a parking garage.  Sitting in the car for 20 minutes, with the rain not letting up in sight, my ex started getting antsy and made the executive decision to grab 2 umbrellas and proceeded to walk to the nearest store until the rain died down.   During our walk of about 1000 feet, a gust of wind managed to flip his umbrella inside out, causing him to have no shelter from the rain.  I began laughing at the situation and his stubbornness even though my umbrella was working perfectly fine yet the rain was too much and I too was getting wet.  My ex didn't find it to funny, nor did he really find me funny...Probably a key factor as to why it didn't work amongst other things.  We arrived at a store called the Z Gallery.  There were several people parked at the door watching this storm in amazement as if they were waiting for an arc to pull up.  The wind was blowing so strong that a nearby stop sign was standing at a 45 degree angle.

                Cold, wet and irritated because I had looked extremely cute prior to getting rained on, I had never been to Z Gallery before so rather than being a negative Nancy, I decided to walk around and see what the store had.  After looking at the over-priced art decoish items that the store had stocked, out of the corner of my eye I had noticed glassware.  Not only was it glassware, but it was leopard painted glassware.  My curiosity got the best of me.  With my ex not far behind and hating every minute of this impromptu shopping experience, I had arrived in front of the glassware.  The leopard martini glasses sparkled in the fluorescent light of the store.  I was so excited yet nervous to see what ridiculous amount of money these would set me back, and at that moment that's when fate intervened. 

                As I grabbed the glass to flip it upside down I heard a sound that sounded like what I imagine a bomb sounds like, following by the sound of rushing water. Unknown to me, the water line that supports not only Z Gallery but the apartments above it had managed to burst due to the rain pressure, and I, alone was standing at ground zero.  The next thing I know, I get nailed with the newly created waterfall from the ceiling.  I stood there for a minute, confused as to what had just happened while the water continued to bounce off of my head.  The dumbfounded look on my face caused my ex (who was standing about 20 feet away) to start laughing uncontrollably.  Still stunned, out of nowhere like a Baywatch episode, one of the employees grabs me and pulls me out of the line of fire.  At this point, it had finally hit me what had just happened.  My ex came running over and we proceeded to laugh hysterically until we both had tears running down our faces.  Soaked to the bone, and extremely angry because the store would not let me keep the sweet leopard fleece blanket that was given to me to help me warm up.  They proceeded to take down our names.  We ended up getting $250 dollars cash and $250 in store credit.  I was very upset to find out that the geriatric parade that was parked in front of the door, that of which were untouched by the water, decided to file a class action lawsuit against Z Gallery claiming "emotional distress."   Z Gallery went out of business shortly after, ironically as did our relationship. 

Neighbor Next Door

                After living with Lam for a year, we decided to part ways and get places of our own.  Me being newly single and her starting to date a guy that would later turn out to be her husband, we broke up amicably and I found a cute little 1 bedroom apartment via Craigslist.  I had learned from Lam and I's living experience that all because you live in an apartment complex with other people,  it is not like an episode of Friends where you become social with your neighbors and hang out all the time.  The apartment had 5 units in it, yet I was hopeful that there maybe someone either close to my age or someone even remotely cool that lived there so that I could have at least one 3's company moment with.  My fantasy was crushed when I learned that it was not a college party house but in fact a small replica of "It's a Small World."  Next door lived an African American women and her son, upstairs was an Asian and a Jew, and on the third floor were 3 20something excommunicated soritutes.  Aside of the occasional "Hello, How Are You," there were no dinner parties, shopping buddies or potential boyfriends.  I kept to myself and proceeded doing my own thing.  I had hit a drought in the boy department, and the only guys that were staying at the time were friends that typically needed a place to crash when they were drunk.  I didn't mind, I enjoyed the company yet I would go to bed alone every night. 

                One morning after a night of heavy drinking, I was in a domesticated mood and decided to do my laundry.  Normally, I unload it on my mom when I go to visit, but this day I wanted to be a grown up.  Still reeking of last night's vodka, and dressed in my Spongebob SquarePants pjs, make up that resembled the lost member of Kiss, and worst of all wearing my glasses, I proceeded downstairs to begin my chore.  As I hit the last step and rounded the corner, I was greeted by an African American male, in his late 20's who had been finishing up his laundry.  Assuming it was my neighbors son, I smiled and politely introduced myself as the neighbor next door.  What started out as harmless conversation turned quickly in to him hitting on me.  It started with "Can I just say you are one of the most beautiful woman I have ever seen?"  As I stood there dumbfounded in my Spongebob PJs, instinctively I lied and made mention that my boyfriend thought so too, hoping this would end any further awkwardness.  In any other situation, I would make a smart ass comment and walk away, however my hands were tied because this guy was my neighbor and I didn't want things to be weird.  He backed off a little and then proceeded upstairs.  No more than 3 minutes later he comes walking down the steps again, in which appeared as if he regrouped himself for round 2.  Again, he starts laying it on think calling me beautiful, my boyfriends lucky and bla bla bla.  Then he starts questioning me about my imaginary boyfriend, with the hopes of finding out if there was trouble in paradise.  Like always, I manage to make up an entire relationship in a snap.  Not satisfied that I am imaginary happy, he hits me with a stunner.  "Listen girl, I've seen your boyfriend, and I'm not sure if you know this or not but my bedroom is right below yours.  From the sounds that I hear, he's not doing you like I can."  At that point it dawned on me how thin the walls in this apartment are.  I don't know what was worse, the fact that he thought a male friend of mine was my boyfriend, or the fact that he could hear me masturbating every night. 

                Two weeks later I am getting ready to go to my friend Ashely's toga party when there is a knock on my door.  It's him.  Knowing I'm home because my TV is on, I answer the door.  Holding a 6 pack in his hand, he proceeded to ask me if I would care to join him for "some brew" and "to smoke some bud."  Where I was relieved to know that if I ever got the urge to smoke,  all I had to do was go next door which would be super convenient, however, luckily I had a legitimate excuse.  I politely told him no, and he presents me with his business card, inviting me to the restaurant that he works at assuring me if I stop in he will "hook me up."  Fearful that a batch of hash brownies would show up on my door step upon our next encounter, I literally acted like a hostage rescue agent for the next few months.  I would park on the street (his apartment overlooked our parking area), I would literally run in to my apartment, I even would watch tv on mute when I knew he was home.

                My plan had seemed to work, because I hadn't seen him in a few months.  A guy I had never seen before kept coming out of my neighbor's apartment and was super friendly.  Assuming her son moved out, one day I caught her outside to non chilantly ask her if he would ever be coming back (incase I needed to prepare for round 2).  She then looks at me, laughing and says: "Nah girlfriend, that wasn't my son, that was my dead beat boyfriend.  I kicked his ass to the curb 3 months ago because I found out he was creepin' on me with some bitch on Penn Ave."  I never told her my encounters with him, the new guy she was with seemed to make her happy and there was no need bringing up the past.  Shortly thereafter, she moved out and newlyweds moved in.  Ironically, the first night they moved in is when I finally understood how truly thin the walls are...Now instead of having an audience,  I am the audience, and judging from what I hear, I'd say he's "doing her right."  It also gave me perceptive on marriage.  They used to do it like rabbits, now I barely hear anything.   I'm not sure if it is because when you get married, you don't have sex as much, or I'm wondering if it's because of the standing ovation I gave them one night.

Keepin it Real -

Shelby

Another Shot at Love - Craigslist Style

                Being that I haven't written about Craigslist for a while, I decided to revisit it to see if things have gotten any better, and it hasn't.  One thing that most people aren't smart enough to figure out is that if you are a true internet stalker and the information is available, people don't have to send you a picture, you can look up their email address via Facebook.  So some guys that didn't send me pictures, I was still able to find via Facebook, which makes it even more weirder.  I posted the following pictureless ad:      

Hello. Thanks for reading my ad. I am a 29 year old girl who has been single for a little over 5 years, and where I enjoy the single life, it does get a bit old not having some consistency in my life. I'm a normal average girl. I have a job, a car, an apartment, no children, and have no drama (other than like the normal girl stuff my friends get me in to). I am 5'5, brown eyes, brown hair, about 130. According to those that know me, I'm funny, sarcastic, sweet, slightly immature and a non-sugar coater. I am real! The Oscars are on tonight! Send a pic if you would like, if not that's fine too.

Thanks
    

I posted this ad at 7:30 P.M on Sunday 2/26.  As of Monday 2/27 at 8:00 p.m. I have received the following:

124 messages

13 phone numbers

2 replies from people that I actually know

1 dick picture

Here are some of my favorite messages that I would now like to share with you....

Hey the single life does get out I been single since 08. So what do we do from here I'm new to all this add stuff. Let's c I'm 5'8 200 lbs full blood italian man that wants to find that one that makes me want to come home from work if u know what I mean

Dear Mario –

            According to your FB profile, which is the new law of the land, you just got out of a relationship on January 24^th of this year.  So with that being said, your first sentence is a lie.  Knowing that you are lying in a failed attempt to make me feel better about my own personal life already makes me hate you.  Clearly, by looking at your profile picture that shows you with 3 young children, I’m going to assume that you are not in fact “Uncle of the Year,” but are probably divorced.  You also fail to mention your age.  Thank goodness for Facebook to allow me to find out that you graduated high school in 91’ making you roughly 38-39.  No, I really don’t know what you mean by finding someone that “makes you want to come home from work.”  Unless you work part time as a mansion house sitter, I don’t see why you have troubles wanting to come home unless when you were married, going home for you was about as exciting as a blind man going to see a silent movie.   

......Are you still single?
I mean most girls I know who are close to your age are already saying that they are too oldand ready to settle down but you are out there still free... that just means you haven't found the oone that mists blows your mind or you're a lil player... I'm hoping its the first I mentioned ...anyways if you are interested in getting to know someone unique then you should drop everything you're to meet me! ,:)

Send u a pic next time if you answer I guess

Dear Cheshire Cat –

            It’s not your curiosity that is killing me, it’s the fact that you managed to offend me in 3 of the 6 sentences you sent me.  Does everything that comes out of your mouth repel women, or is it just when you are trying to win them over in your valiant internet wooing efforts? Yes you dumbass, nothing has changed in the past 15 hours since I posted this ad to make me not be single.  Internet dating does not work that quickly, however I’m sure based on the idiotic message you sent me, you probably think that unicorns are real and believe in love at first type.  After looking up your FB profile, I notice 2 things.  1. I am actually quite shocked that your message to me was not in broken English, and 2. I can’t pinpoint how old you are but I’m going to guess you are younger, considering my next point.  Here is a tip, if you are going to use the term “close to your age,” the only acceptable way to contextualize it would be “I have a brother/sister that is close to your age.”  Using that phase in any other context is basically telling a girl “my age” everything that her married friends, mother, aunt and concerned gay friends already tell her.  I do not need to be told from a total stranger that my well is slowly drying up.  I’m not exactly what a “mists blows your mind” is exactly, but it reminds me of a swimming pool massacre.   If I were a player, do you really think I would turn to Craigslist of all places to find anyone worth “playing?”  I’d have better luck playing the “What eating disorder does this Victoria’s Secret model have” game. 

interested in getting to know a good looking 29 year old married guy?

Dear Married Guy,

            Thank you for proving that marriage is no longer viewed as scared.  Why the fuck would I want to get to know you if your married?  I don’t care how “good looking” you say you are, you are about as useless to me as an expired condom.  I was unaware that when posting my ad, I had to make it idiot proof by requesting that only single guys respond.  If you are in need of female attention that bad, go to a strip club or hire a hooker.  I really hope that karma comes back around full circle in the form of a fat, desperate stage 5 clinger that stalks the hell out of you until your wife finds out what you have been up to.  If you have that much disrespect for your wife to be responding to Craigslist personal ads, I can only imagine what the outcome of this relationship would be.  You really make me want to start my own "Cheaters" reality tv show, except on my show, your wife gets to castrate you on camera, tool.

I no how u fee I have been single well all my life I hope to hear from you soon

Dear Solo Rider

            Where I am saddened to hear that you have been single your whole life, I don't really feel that this message has any "wow" factor to get me to respond.  The best way I can put your life in to perspective is by considering you to be in the "puppy" stage of your love life.  Maybe if Maybe if I were 18 again and had the time and energy to housebreak you, teach you how to be independent, and show you some tricks, I would consider dating you, however I am way past my breaking point.  Openly admitting to being single your entire life leads me to believe that you use the internet solely for the purpose of finding a significant other.  I'm sure you have probably messaged me several times on the 20 other websites that you are on, and probably wrote me a book about your sob story of a life without love.  Instead of hoping to find a girlfriend via Craigslist why don't you stop playing World of Warcraft, shower, leave your parents basement and become a person that actually goes out with real friends (Farmville buddies do not count).  Also, you may want to consider getting a GED, because your communication skills are a bit off.  "I no how you fee" sounds like something I would hear from a Jamaican Psychic hotline.

Hello 29 year old single

Want to meet a caring, honest. never

married 45 year old established, swm

Then look no further for the moment and check my

lifestyle out.

seeking pretty laid back gal for Ltr with possible

marriage with the right woman.

PS

I fuck well, and have been retired for a good many years.

Send pic so your new man can check you out.

Dear Well-Fucker

            There are many reasons that you have been single for 45 years, however for time’s sake, I will only reflect on several.  I don’t even want to know about your profession; considering you are 45 and have been retired for “a good many years” it leads me to believe that you are a either a retired drug dealer, porn star or gigolo.  I would not be surprised if you rocked a pornstache in the 80’s while doing lines of coke off of strippers’ asses.  When you mention your “lifestyle” I can only imagine what that maybe.  You probably are a gold card member to a swingers club who beats off in the bathroom knowing you are not even a drunk girls last resort.  You would be better off going to an AA meeting or a rehab center to meet “the right woman.”  The fact that you claim to “fuck well,” leads me to believe that some dumb bitch that slept with you developed a case of cock envy after looking in to your wallet, and stroked not only your dick, but your ego too.  Clearly you have convinced yourself that every girl you slept with truly had an orgasm, when in reality probably faked it to keep your spirits up.  The only picture that I would send you, is a picture of a Summer’s Eve brand douche, this way you can see a reflection of yourself through your new girls eyes.

So in conclusion, where I am seeing less perverts on Craigslist, it has now shifted to the super desperate and lonely, and the demographic is changing as well.  40% of the messages I received were from men 35+.  Keep it up Craigslist, or I will run out of things to blog about!

Keepin it real -

Shelby

Shelby Does Pittsburgh - Part 4 of 4

                So after imaginarily moving to the cities of Baltimore, Seaside Heights and Boise, I discovered that there is in fact no place like home.   Since Los Angeles seemed to be a town chalk full of respectable people, I decided to take the Vegas odds back on Pittsburgh not to let me down, so that I could finish the 4 part series.  Needless to say, it was a sure thing.

                After being on for a little under 3 weeks I was bombarded with messages as usual.  The difference between this time around based on others, were the slight bit of the desperate tones rather than perverted ones.  Then it dawned on me... It's January crunch time.  Let me explain what that means.  When people that have been single for anywhere from 1-3 years survive another New Years eve alone, they instantly convince themselves that the upcoming year is going to be their year to find love.  With that being said, the entire month of January consists of constant searching and relentless positivity to find a date in time for Valentine's Day, which in turn satisfies not only their personal hunger to not feel lonely or pathetic, but also to give a good story to their married/taken friends to shut them up when they start going on about how great their Valentine's day with a significant other was.  Fortunately for me, after you hit the 4 and then 5 year point of being single, you tend to give not give a  flying fuck about all things Valentine's Day.  Here are some of the slightly desperate messages that I received from men in "January crunch time."

1/4/2012 7:00:26 PM

Hi how are u doing tonight am Ron and ur really cute

1/16/2012 3:59:30 PM

Does distance bother u

1/22/2012 10:11:15 AM

Hi how are u doing so far today am ron

Dear Ron:

                I see that POF hasn't been working for you.  Are you still proudly living in your parents attic because you got kicked out of your apartment in FL? (if you don't remember Ron, he's is from this blog: Nov 14th blog ) If I had to estimate, this is probably the 18th message you have sent me during my POF career.  Apparently I gave you too much credit in thinking that after the 5th message you sent to me that I didn't engage with a response, that you were smart enough to figure out I was not interested.  Clearly, you are not only a complete idiot, but you are also extremely desperate.  You even go as far as to message me while I'm living in Seaside Heights with "Does distance bother u."   If I ignored you while living in Pittsburgh, do you really think that when I imaginarily moved out of state I had an epiphany that  I should date you?  One day, when your balls drop and you become a man and not a needy bitch, still don't contact me.  Please let any dream relationship you may think you're going to have with me die, just like your dignity. 

1/20/2012 11:21:05 PM

You are you so pretty and you have the most beautiful smile I have ever seen.. With that charming face and beautifully deep eyes I must
say you are a perfect 10. To tell you the truth I was defenseless against the beauty of your face and your elegant personality so was forced to write to you.

1/23/2012 12:39:49 PM

You should give miss universe pageant a try:::and u can win in 3 categories
1: Girl with the most beautiful smile award
2 Girl with the gorgeous pair of eyes award
3: the prettiest hair award!!!!

Dear Prince Charming:

                I'm glad you are defenseless against my beauty and you think I have an elegant personality, I'm so excited to share the feelings that you have unlocked from my heart.  Miss Universe pageant, ok now we are taking it a bit far in to corny town.   I get that you are too busy jerking off while watching the pageant to pay attention to the actual categories, but come on now.  You sound like a high school yearbook, not a human being.  Where I appreciate the occasional compliment such as "wow you look skinny today," or "you are gorgeous,"  if I needed a confidence booster I would much rather walk around with an IV hookup of Vodka than listen to you go rambling on and on.  I would not be surprised if you wanted to recreate the naked art scene from Titanic.  The poetic words you write in your first message, lead me to believe that you are an avid dungeons and dragons player, and believe that I am a damsel in distress.  Unfortunately, rather than having a prince wrapped in tinfoil and riding in to the sunset on a donkey, I think I'll pass and wait for a drunk encounter where the guy is a sober Pittsburgh 6 and a drunk Pittsburgh 10. 

1/17/2012 11:44:58 AM

hello im greg. saw your profile and would love to get to know you a little better. you seem like you enjoy life and id like to think that i always try to be positive in life and things to do. i try to make the best of everything. i work in sales so there plenty of ups and downs. where are you an activities director at? anyway just a quick hello to say check out my profile and hope to hear from you. greg

1/18/2012 10:48:21 PM

hello shelby..so i saw you checked my profile and was just wondering why you didnt message me so i have a few multiple choices answers...
a. you didnt like the fact that i wrote about star wars
b. you find fedoras out of style
c. you meant to but got tied up with work projects
d. you think i might be too old and a fuddy duddy
please choose one of the above and ill let you know how your answer fairs. hope to hear from

Dear Greg:

E - All of the above.  A. The fact that you wrote about Star Wars doesn't make you a loser, I quite enjoyed the movies.  The fact that I didn't bother reading your profile, and your willingness to admit you mention Star Wars in your profile is what screams instant vagina repellant.  I instinctively picture you pretending that you think your penis is a light saber.  B.  Yes, fedoras are out of style.  Fedoras are for Kevin Federline wannabes and for the 9 out of 10 men that suffer from Male Pattern Baldness to wear tricking people in to thinking they are stylish and not balding.   The remaining 10% of men that find fedoras stylish are pompous douche bags that frequent Lawrenceville and Shadyside bars and enjoy sniffing the smell of their own farts.  C.  No really, I meant to 100% completely ignore you.  I hadn't responded to your first message in 36 hours before the next one came.  I'm in marketing, I'm not a doctor that works a 36 hour straight shift.  D.  Where you are a bit older than me (let's just say while I was in diapers, you discovered internet porn via dial up connection), it's not that an older man deters me...It's an older man that mentions Star Wars in a dating website profile and fedoras cool, and uses the term "Fuddy Duddy," that deters me. 

1/16/2012 6:24:10 PM

I need an independent woman that's secure within herself.
Is this you?
I'm spontaneous and I'm independent.
I'm competitive,confident,consistent and money motivated.
I'll treat you like a queen.
Do you think I'm a handsome guy?
I love the way you look.
If you don't want me to text anymore, please say so.

Dear T-Money -

                You sound like a terrible job posting on Craigslist.  When you mention being consistent, does this mean that you pay your bills on time?  You made it quite clear you had no intentions of paying mine since  you're trying to find someone as independent as yourself, so I was just curious to see if you were going to elaborate with your credit score next.  I'm not exactly sure what you mean when you say "secure within herself."  Are you asking me if I have high self esteem or if my boobs are big enough to secure as flotation devices in case of an airplane related emergency?  Being that you use the word independent in 2 different contexts, it leads me to believe that your version of treating a girl like a queen would be convincing her in to thinking that paying half of the bill is empowering, or being allowed to order anything off the dollar menu at McDonalds, your treat.  Where your pictures were quite decent, I find the diarrhea spewing out of your mouth repulsive.   I am shocked you did not end this message with a "Do you like me, please check one  _____yes     ______no."  I'm glad you are ok with not "texting" me anymore, considering you emailed me dumbass.  Clearly you are using the POF app on your phone, which is more desperate than scouting a dog park for blind chicks. 

1/4/2012 5:52:59 PM

I really think we would make an awesome couple, i really like everything so far in your profile and would really
like to take or meet you somewhere nice, maybe station square in pittsburgh :-) :-) :-)

1/17/2012 4:28:15 Pl

You seem like quite an amazing young woman, i am a mature man, i certainly would love to talk to you and
have wonderful conversations. I have no tattoos but i am in a proffessional field. I think you have very
attractive pictures and really do want to know you so if you dont mind taking a chance and rolling the dice a
bit....i would love to make your aquaintance

1/18/2012 12:39:42 PM

Hey Shelby just wanted to saywhats up and was hoping that we can get together soon, i wanna be able to find
a great gal and im hoping you are her

Dear Mr. Maturity -

                Do you have a brother named Ron?  I feel as if you do, because like him, this is probably the 20th message you have sent to me, even when I had moved to Seaside Heights and still have yet to respond.  Clearly you have never heard the term "Beating a dead horse" because you are the one that it was coined after.  You wanted to take me to Station Square, in Pittsburgh, when I was pretending to live in NJ.  I don't know what's funnier, the idea that I would be up for a date with you, or the fact that you consider any Station Square restaurants to be an impressive first date.  You seem to forget that I have lived in Pittsburgh my whole life, meaning I have dined at every Station Square location at least 5 times in my life, and have probably puked in every bar's bathroom at least once.  Considering I have 3 tattoos in places which you will never be lucky enough to see, I find it hysterical that you compare them to professionalism.  I get that craps does have the best player advantage in a casino, however rolling the dice with you and your needy ass, would be about as painful as a wooden dildo.  We will not be getting together any time soon, on any day, in any life.  If I do happen to run in to you at Station Square sometime, I will be sure to throw myself in front of the nearest moving vehicle to prevent any social interaction with you.

1/16/2012 10:10:44 PM

what's up how are you doing? came across ur profile and pic and would like to get to know more about you. I'm a genuine,caring,honest fun guy,don't smoke or do drugs,have a job,place,and car. like to do a lot of indoor and outdoor activities as well as jst chill and cuddle in. but hope u find interest and get back to me and let me know what u think either way.

1/18/2012 3:42:00 PM

what's up how are you this cold day,and how the guys been treating you off here.

1/19/2012 7:16:33 PM

thanx for viewing me but u didn't get back to me lol,I'm sorry bout that but I think we met before at Robinson mall way back with ur friend I def wanted to talk to you since the first time I seen u would like to get to know you.hope u get back u won't regret it,I'm fun and real and not fake.

Dear Bleeding Heart -

                Three messages, in 4 days with no response?  Did you think that by remaining to contact me that you would eventually say something that I would find interesting?  I think it is great that you are an active guy, but your description of what interests you sounds about as meaningless to me as instructions in Spanish.  How would anyone find you interesting, considering everything you mention is what everyone on the planet enjoys.  I will give you credit on the "I have met you before card."  I like to use that line as well, when I was 24 and craving the attention of someone who was clearly not interested in me. You keep trying to convince me, as well as yourself that you are fun.  You sound about as fun as an extreme knitting contest.   If we met in Robinson all those years ago, how come I do not remember meeting you, and clearly if I did meet you, we would of talked that day, and if you were there to meet my friend, that makes you a bit scandalous.  I don't think you could be fake if you tried to be, you lack any kind of excitement in your life, that even your own dick probably doesn't even get excited to see your right hand. 

Keeping it Real

-Shelby

Awkward Moments

                Believe it or not, there have been times in my life were situations have left me absolutely speechless.  In almost all of these occasions, rather than making things less weird, I have a tendency to make them even more awkward.  You may think that being outspoken and quick witted, I can keep my composure in almost any situation.  These are some moments where rather than shutting up, I instantly put my foot in my mouth.

The Chiropractor

                Being "that girl,"  I managed to give myself a fantastic lower muscle back spasm courtesy of Nintendo Wii Fit's Yoga.  After going to my primary doctor who is Mr. Anti Pain Killer prescriber, he suggested that I go to a chiropractor.  I wanted to go somewhere within the city, so my old boss suggested his chiropractor and I was more than willing to go, since he made my search easy for me.  When I walked in to the waiting room, I didn't know what to expect.  I found it really weird that there were women of all ages, dressed as if they were attending a fashion show, sitting in a doctor's office and here's me in a pair of sweat pants, hoodie and quite possibly hadn't showered in 24 hours.  After my initial tests were performed by the nurse, I was lead to the waiting room to await the doctor and the results.  Then it happened.  Out from behind the curtain walks this tall, dark skinned, Italian man with a body like a brick shit house.  I'm talking like Joe Magnello from True Blood style.  Thinking he was a patient, I stuck my nose in a magazine and continued to undress him with my eyes when he was not looking.  Next thing I know this gorgeous man is calling my name.  "Am I dreaming?  Shelby, you need to snap out of it.  How on earth does he know my name?  This is fate Shelby, it's your time."  Then it dawned on me..."Fuck he is the Chiropractor."

                 As he greeted me with a warm smile, I was completely and utterly tongue tied.  I think I managed to spit out my name, as I was experiencing my first hot flash ever.  He walks me in to the room, where he begins to tell me my problem area's.  The whole time he is talking, I am doing nothing but thinking about our wedding, what our kids would look like, and if he is as good in bed as I am imagining.  He then proceeds to start the session with a bit of man handing aka back cracking.  After the first crack he asked me how it felt, and caught up in the moment of having his hands all over me I blurted out something along the lines of "This is the first time I have felt the touch of a man in quite some time, so far it's worth the $15 co-pay."  I don't think that was the answer that he was looking for, as he stared at me a little awkwardly with a slight smile. 

                He then proceeded to turn me over and straddle me to stretch out my neck.  Ok I know he's teasing me now.  His package was literally inches away from my blushing face and it took every bone in my body not to motorboat the shit out of his balls.  While this is going on, he asked me something like "So what do you enjoy doing", as to which I blurted out " I am enjoying this greatly"   He then turned me on my side and stuck his muscular knee on my side and pressed down hard. All I kept hoping for was that this was a bad porno, and eventually he was going to just ravish me on the table...Unfortunately he did not.  After the session, he looked at me and suggested that I come back 3 times a week in order to get things corrected.  I looked at him and thinking I was sly blurted out, "Well if you want to see me that often, you don't have to use my spasm as an excuse."  I was at strike three, I knew I needed to just stop talking.  I went back 2 more times, only to find out that he was married and had children.  Once finding out this crucial information, I never returned. 

The Business Trip            

                My company sent me to NYC for 2 weeks to prepare for our upcoming marketing year.  I had been cooped up in a hotel room for the entire time and was looking forward to finally coming home.  The amazing thing about NYC is I always managed to the craziest shuttle drivers that get me to the airport in a ridiculously fast amount of time.  I had arrived to LaGuardia Airport 2.5 hours before my scheduled flight.  Being tired, moody and looking like total hell, I decided to grab a bite to eat at a restaurant I had never heard of.  There were no tables to sit so I was forced to sit at the bar.  After 20 minutes of sitting at the bar getting ignored by both the obviously gay male and female bartender, I started getting very irritated and made snide comments for the people around me's entertainment.  After looking at the menu for what seemed to be about the 400th time, I heard a deep voice say to me "Can I get you anything."  When I looked up I was floored.  I was staring at the most gorgeous man I had ever seen in my life. 

                He was tall, Italian (do we see a pattern here?), and looked like he could of been The Rock's son.  I instantly started sweating, and could feel my face getting red.  Trying to remain calm, I looked at him and placed my order.  He repeated the order back to me, at which I replied, "I'm not sure I want anything now because that means I won't get to look at you anymore."  I think he was a little smitten, but most definatly uncomfortable as he cracked a half ass smile and walked away.  A couple of minutes later, and my 3rd glass of water, he came back over to assure me my order would be up soon.  Out of nowhere, rather than being a normal human being, I started talking and couldn't stop.  I proceeded to stroke his ego by telling him that he looks like the Rock, and how he should model, and he may in fact be the most gorgeous man I have ever seen.  With all the diarrhea spewing out of my mouth I couldn't stop.  He was wearing a hat so I asked him "Do you have hair?" in which he removed his baseball cap to show me a full head of Italian wavy black hair.  It took every bone in my body not to jump over that bar and rape him, and unfortunately in the heat of the moment... I told him that.  I seriously could not stop.  Everything coming out of my mouth was something that Quagmire from Family Guy would say.  I hated myself at this point, and as I ate my burnt $12 chicken sandwich that he made for me, all I kept thinking about was "Shelby, you are not weird, stop acting like it."

                 He then sits down next to me (apparently on break), and we proceed to chat more.  I actually grabbed a hold of myself and did the smart thing and let him talk.  After finding out that his first and last name are in fact the same, and him not getting any of my jokes, we became Facebook friends and parted ways.   A little while later, he unfriended me due to getting back together with his ex girlfriend (the one I got to hear him bitch about for 10 min), and all I am left with is the memory of what could of been.

Internet Celebrity

                It was a random Friday night in the middle of summer and there was really nothing other than the usual going on.  All of the weddings were over, and being that none of my single friends were up in the city, I decided to hang out with a friend of mine and her boyfriend.  They had only been dating for a couple of months at the time, but during it, he had accepted the ultimate girl code rule: If you date one of Shelby's friends, you practically are dating her as well.  We decided to do something out of the ordinary and travel beyond the city limits to the infamous Cabana Bar with the hopes of actually finding myself a guy my own age, rather than a drunk college kid.  We began stalking people in the search of finding a table, and ended up scoring great seats next to a sand filled fire pit.  As the three of us started chatting, I had a group of both mixed guys and girls hanging out to the right of me.  There were a couple of cute guys but I could tell they were probably a few years younger than me, so I didn't even really engage in any sort of eye fucking.  Feeling mischievous, me and my friends started talking about how we hadn't been to a strip club in a really long time, and what a random idea it would be to go to one.  Slightly buzzed, I tapped the shoulder of the kid that was sitting near the fire pit next to me and politely asked him if he knew where the closest strip club was.  He rattled off ones that had closed, which was no help to us and I politely said thank you and turned my back toward him.

                 2 minutes later, he proceeds to tap me on the shoulder.  I turn to him and he says to me:"I don't mean to be rude, but are you on Plenty of Fish?"  Normally, at this point I would of lied my ass off, however so taken back that I had been recognized by my profile I couldn't help but reply "yes, yes I am", with an awkward smile.  He proceeds to tell me that he has in fact seen my profile and thought it was quite hysterical.  Trying to regain some control of the situation, I asked him "Well why didn't you ever message me?!" in which he replied, "well I am younger than you, so I didn't think you would respond."  I looked at him and said, "atta boy."  After showing me some of the msgs he had received from women, as well as us laughing about the site being a total joke, I had felt I had made a new plenty of fish friend.   As we were leaving to go to the strip club, he says, "i'll message ya sometime," to which I replied, "cool."   Within 20 minutes of leaving the bar, he had messaged me.  Trying to move onward  in the evening we arrived at Erotica as planned. 

                After throwing a tantrum because the male strippers were done for the night, and knowing I was going to be forced to look at body parts I already have, I proceeded to the bar to make the best of the situation.  On my short walk to the bar, which was literally 20 feet, I got confused for being a stripper 3 times as well as stopped by a severely drunk guy that literally raped my phone to put his number in it.  Why hadn't I thought of this before?  Strip Clubs are like a cesspool for lonely men, (well that and Star Wars conventions), why haven't I tried picking up men here before?  2 more phone numbers later, and being awkwardly man handled by a female stripper that looked like RuPaul's post op sister, I decided to step outside for some air.  On a drunk scale, I was at a 7 by this point.  I had noticed one of the valet's and he looked extremely familiar, but I couldn't pin point where.  Out of nowhere I look at him and with a dumbfounded look I spewed out his name.  Confused and puzzled he looks at me and says, "Do I know you?".  I look at him, and in front of his co-workers as well as owner of Erotica and say, "Yeah, I'm Shelby from Plenty of Fish, you know the girl that you stopped talking to because you had to take your dog for a walk?"              

<Backstory>  Met this guy on POF, we went back and forth, exchanged numbers.  Our first conversation, which lasted 10 min, all he talked about was his damn dog.  During our conversation, I asked him how the dog felt about him dating and not being home all the time, to which he ended our conversation abruptly telling me he had to take the dog for a walk.  He hadn't contacted or called me since.  

                After a short moment of silence, laugher had burst out amongst his co-workers and the owner along with comments such as "If I was talking to a girl as pretty as you, I wouldn't care about a dog," and "Are you really that big of an idiot?"  After seeing me in person, knowing that I was not photo shopped, fat, or missing any teeth, his face turned about 6 shades of red in embarrassment.  I didn't mean to embarrass the kid, but seriously?   Men have dicked me over for many types: she beasts, girls that look like they could clear out a buffet, and even wannabe playboy models, However: I have never once been dicked over by an actual member of the animal family.  After the laugher subsided, he decided that now he in fact wanted to get to know me.  He told me he would call me the next day to which I replied, "yeah, ok sure whatever." 

                The next day I received a call from him, and the next day, and so on for about 4 days.  The dog talk subsided, and he kept asking me to hang out.  Finally after running out of excuses, I finally told him, "Look I'm sure you are a great guy and all, but I can't date a guy if he already has a top bitch in his life." We have not spoken, nor have I been to Erotica ever since. 

Keeping it real -

Shelby