The worst of times...

A reenactment of some of the worst dates I have had..

Where dating can be fun, it can also be exhausting.  I remember at one point, I was going on like 3 dates a week from online websites.  Even though I was becoming a serial dater, it was usually one date and that was it, due to lack of interest, attraction or normalcy.  Most of the time, looking back, I would of much rather sat at home with my vibrator, than actually taking the time to go out in public with these people.  These are some of my stories, where they may not be outrageous, they are definitely noteworthy.

The Meat Head:

                I actually met this one in real life first, only to find out that he had sent me a few messages on a dating website, in which i just never responded.  The usual story for me, was at after hours, about a level 8 of drunkenness, our conversation went "Hi, how are you" followed by making out.  So knowing next to nothing about him, I decided to go out with him.  I wasn't thrilled to go out only because it was on my TV night, and most people that know me, know not to bother me, but I said what the hell.

                So I meet him at a restaurant/bar, and he's not bad looking.   I did an ok job with drunken super powers.  We start chatting a bit, the whole getting to know you bs which was looking promising..until he takes a look at the menu and starts complaining about all the fried food that is on the menu.  At this point, I knew this date was going nowhere, and decided to turn it in to my own personal form of entertainment.  Turns out I got to hear about his daily food intake regiment so that he could stay " in shape", and fried foods were not something he could allow.  After learning this valuable piece of information, I decided to order the most greasiest thing on the menu, followed by an ice cold draft beer.  Once I did this it was game on.  I had to listen to him ramble on and on about how terrible fried food was and now I need to start thinking about nutrition and if I don't want to get fat I need to start eating healthier.  As I was biting in to my greasy, juicy cheeseburger, I decided I needed to find something near and dear to his heart to pick a fight about, so that I can be home in time to watch my shows.   I then found out that  college football is his kryptonite, and decided to voice my fake opinion that it has no heart anymore and that people only play for the perks  (it was his ticket to a free ride in college). Needless to say I was home in time to watch CSI, and there was no second date.

The Ex:

                So after purposely avoiding my ex for almost 2 years post break up, we run in to each other at a wedding.  I knew he was going to be there, so I made sure like any girl, I looked fantastic.  Part of me was interested to see if anything had changed with him, where part of me just wanted him to eat his heart out.  After engaging in some "catching up" conversation, he asks if I want to grab a drink post wedding.  I say no. 2 hours later a text...from him...in which he had remembered my number..So I bite, I started thinking, ok we were together for a while, maybe we can be friends and only friends.  He asks me if I want to grab a few drinks, and I finally cave in.  Why the hell not, my strategy? He never paid for anything when we were together, why not rack up a nice hefty tab on his behalf for a change? So we go out, and actually have a fun time.  2 days later, a text asking if I want to hang out.  Ok why not?  So he grabs a movie, and we sit at opposite ends of the couch and commentate like we always used to do.  Apparently it got a little too nostalgic for him, because then the sexual innuendos began.  Trying "one more time for old time sake" and "remember when we used to do this."  After just laughing it off the first couple of times, i finally started to get annoyed.  He remembered me as being a weak minded girl with low self esteem that would never stand up for myself, not knowing the force that I have become.  So after about the 4th sexual comment, I had finally had enough.  I looked him dead in the eye and said "If I wanted something small and unsatisfying, I would go to McDonalds and order a salad."  He thought I was joking...so keeps trying...my next response?  "I can do way more productive things than you ever could in 2 min" and proceeded to spat off a random list including: microwave a hot pocket, paint my finger nails etc.  Needless to say, I think he got the hint, and we haven't spoken since. 

The Stage 5 Clinger

                On paper perfect: great job, great family, car, house, and knew what he wanted from a potential relationship.  Our first date was perfect, he brought me a present (not traditional flowers), took me to an ethnic restaurant,  and we barley drank any alcohol.  What threw a wrench in it for me started at dinner...When he started talking about our 3rd date, when we had only been on our first.  I tried to let it go, but the conversation was so intense, I felt as if I would of made a smart ass comment he may have cried.  So after this, I leave for a business trip for a week.  We stay in communication and what not, and I'm gone 1 day and he's offering to pick me up at the airport, telling me how much he misses me, and the ultimate vagina repellent comment after 1 date: I've never felt this way about anyone before.  Freaked out, and feeling fortunate that I am out of state, I try to tone it down a bit and he starts getting discouraged.   He then proceeds to tell me that when he is with someone, he has to see them every day, even if it's only for 20 min, but every day.  Shelby doesn't handle this very well.  I am a huge fan of 3 times, "me" time, "us" time, and "friend" time.  Some days, I don't want to be around anyone for 20 min, let alone a significant other.  I had to let this one go, but how?  No matter what I said to him, he was like a puppy, just wagging his tail waiting for affection.  Finally, my smartass side got the best of me.  I proceeded to tell him: "I have a life, unless you want me to quit my job, never see my friends or family again, and reimburse me for all of my bridesmaid dresses and destination wedding costs, this conversation/us hanging out, goes no further."  I hope he found the orphaned girl with no friends he was looking for!

Forrest Gump

                This insanely hot Kindergarten teacher messages me online.  We chat, seems normal so we decide to meet up.  We meet at my favorite pizza place, and head back to my place to play board games.  I thought it was really cute that he offered to bring a board game, not thinking the events to come.  So we are eating pizza, drinking wine and playing Life.  He's not very talkative, which lead me to believe that he was nervous.  Apparently unbeknownst to me, we were playing a sudden death version of "life", where with every bad spin of the wheel results in him getting angrier and angrier.  As we were wrapping up this game, with me clearly in the lead, he proceeds to inform me of his competitiveness, and how angry he is at himself that he lost...a game of chance... Then he proceeds to go in to a 5 minute explanation about how the game of life reflects real life, which at that point I zoned out and all I could visualize was Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump.   His demeanor, words and mannerisms had me holding back my tears of laughter.  Finally when he was done with his rant, I looked at him and said "Well, in case you didn't know, the game of life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get." 

Saving the best for last:

This date is not one that I actually went on, it's one that I set up for a friend of mine.  This is why I am not a fan of matchmaking and my friends actually boycott me even mention them getting set up. 

I had been chatting to this guy online for a while, but he really wasn't my type, it was more of an online friendship.  He was always bitching about meeting crazy girls.  My friend at the time was going through a rough patch so I thought it would be a good idea to set the two of them up.

So being that I had never actually met him, they decide to meet in a Walmart Parking Lot.  Nice, public and well lit.  So he pulls up, gets in the car and realizes two things.  1. He isn't as cute as his picture (actually missing a tooth or two from what I can recall), and 2. there is a can of beer in the consol.  This is off to a pleasant start.  They proceed to drive down the road to a local bar where they can "talk."  So as they are in the car, and he is drinking his beer while driving, he proceeds to mention that he has a suspended license.  They are almost to the bar, when he says "watch this" and floors the gas to go over this bump in the road...did i mention his license was suspended?  So they get to the bar, and have a drink.  He runs out of cigarettes, so decides to leave my friend, at the bar alone, while he runs to the store to restock.   The entire time I am getting a blow by blow, and sicker and sicker to my stomach.  This douchebag is ruining my credibility.  So he comes back, 20 minutes later, and my friend is really trying to make the best of the situation.  This is the part where it gets fuzzy for me, I don't remember if anything epic happened at the bar, but we'll just skip to the end of the night.  He drops her off and goes in for the kill. Out of nowhere with Cigarette/beer breath, he proceeds to jam his  tongue down her throat.  Trying to be polite she runs with it, meanwhile is gagging the entire time because she has now perceived him as a dirty redneck.  She refrains from puking, giving him that courtesy at least, and gets in her car.  We have not spoken of this night until now..In my own personal opinion, I feel this story trumps any of mine, but since I was the one that set it up, it indirectly counts.

Keeping it real -

Shelby

Calling out the crazies

It's that age old tale, girl meets boy, girl falls for boy, then girl turns absolutely psychotic? Apparently, it is societies newest version of a Disney cartoon.  Recently, I have heard some absolutely horrific stories from guys I know about chance encounters that they have had with women, and I must say it's quite disturbing.  Where I find it highly entertaining, and most of the time they deserved what they got, after hearing some of these stories, I'm actually ashamed to be a member of the female species.  Girls, I know this is going to be difficult to read, but the crazier you are, the less of a chance there is for girls like me.  And now begins my ode to crazy girls.

1. Phone Etiquette.

                You meet a gorgeous guy.  You think he's in to you.  You patiently await for that call or text to confirm the feeling is mutual, and nothing.  Now what happened on your date is unknown to me, however I can tell you this: Yes, now a days women are being more forward and putting themselves out there.  I commend all of you for this.  Me, personally, I'm much more of a fan of letting the guy text first  (old fashioned at heart), but at what point did you really think its a "great" idea to blow his phone up with 6 texts and 5 voicemails?  If he doesn't answer your first text, why do you feel the need to send 5 more?  Are you really that attention starved or desperate that you need to make us all look bad?  And you wonder why you're not getting a response?  Your already at a stage 5 clinger status, and you haven't even gotten to a second date.   You are that insignificant fly on his wall, that now, all he wants you to do is hope you fly out the window or get eaten by a spider.   Either way, you have pretty much cock blocked yourself and need to just give up, not just on him, but on every dream you ever had about finding someone.

                Incase you haven't noticed, this is what your friends are for.  Your friends are the ones you vent to about this, so that they can give you either the sugar coated version or the real version as to why he hasn't called/texted.  Maybe he's busy, maybe he's not interested, either way, the more texts you send without a response, becomes a more pathetic conversation that you are having with only yourself. 

2. Showing Up at His Place Uninvited

                You are proactively becoming more and more of a head case.  If you have ever done this before, you really need to get a hobby (try plentyoffish.com). In theory, it is a nice gesture, for a guy that actually appreciates it.  For the guy that just wants you to leave him alone, which he has made it very clear by not responding to any of your communications, this is also not the best idea.  You have now gone from stage 5 clinger to stalker.  If you are at this point and looking for love, I would suggest buying a puppy, at least it will love you for your imperfections. 

3. Blaming Them for Leading You On

                I really wish that girls had a better attitude about this.  If a guy is calling you at 2 am seeing what your up to, chances are he's trying to get in your pants.  If a guy only calls you at 2 am seeing what your up to, he's trying to get in your pants.  If you have already given it up to him (which you probably have because your going crazy on him) giving him more of what he wants isn't going to make him like you more.  If anything, it's going to make you his booty call.  If you can emotionally de-attach yourself from any feeling and make it strictly about sex, then awesome!  Chances are though, you will let emotion get in the way.  Then your friends will think you're stupid and resent you because they knew you shouldn't, why didn't you?  Believe it or not, even if you aren't the brightest bulb on the string of lights, you still have half a brain to know not to get in to this situation.  Sluts like you are the reason that girls like me refuse to put out, because I'm smart enough to know if a guy actually likes me, or is just trying to screw me.  If you are that insecure to think that the only way to get a guy to like you is to put out, then obviously you need a chastity belt.  Don't blame him for leading you on, blame yourself for being an idiot not to realize what he was all about.

4.  Facebooking/Twitter

                Where I am a super huge fan of FB stalking, may I suggest you do it quietly?  Liking every single one of his posts is not going to remind him that you still exist.  Commenting on everything he has to say, while it may  be a ego boost, is almost as bad as mass texting.  Making you presence known on his profile, only allows you to be a joke to all his friends.  If you get to the point of meeting them, there's no point in impressing them, they already think your an idiot, and the probably know every little crazy thing you have done.  Where they will be nice to you in front of your face, they will secretly be laughing at you.  If you truly want to have an actual future with this guy, keep the stalking at a minimum.  The less you know, the better off you are. 

5. Naked Pictures

                Why the hell do girls do this?  Sending a guy a naked picture of yourself, isn't going to make him realize what he's missing out on, and isn't going to make him rush right over.  Literally the minute you send it to him, he's rushing to his cabinet, grabbing lotion, and then  going to wack off to your picture.  He doesn't want the real thing, because you're crazy, you're not worth the gas to drive over there, nor worth wasting a condom for.  Why would he need to leave his house when you're giving him the option to sit comfortably in his boxers in his happy place and he can finish himself off probably better than you could anyways.  Save the pictures for a boyfriend, you know that guy that actually wants to have a committed relationship with you and doesn't loathe your existence.

6. "I am pregnant/have an STD"

                This is by far my favorite.  If you get to this point with any guy, then you have hit rock bottom and need some serious time with a therapist.  Yes this general thinking is what gave Jerry Springer and Maury Povich careers, but really?  Your scaring someone to stay with you.  You are pathetic.  I want to meet the genius that invented this line, and kick her in the vagina.  A legemate scare that's one thing, that's an oh shit moment in itself.  If you are playing this card, your mom really should of thought about swallowing.  At what point will it dawn on you that he is just not that in to you and you need to move on.  Yes, it sucks when you like someone and they don't like you back, but your clinging to the hope that a relationship still exists, when in fact there is no hope for it, or you for that matter.  Girls like you turn good guys in to assholes, leaving a trail of emotionally retarded men for girls like me. 

For the sake of us normal girls left, please tone down the crazy.  Get a hold of yourselves.  I really don't want to hear anymore horror stories about you.

Someone really needs to set rules for online dating

My friends deem me as the "Queen" of online dating, because at one point, I was on over 7 different sites. Recently after 2 back to back failed attempts at finding a partner, I decided to boycott dating websites for good. If it hasn't worked for me in almost 4 years, I really don't think it's for me, and come on, there's no romance behind it. What would I tell my grandchildren? "I saw your grandpa's profile and he was so hot, I knew it was going to be love at first type."

I do have experience in this department. You could compare my online dating experience to a Golfer. When a Golfer wins a tournament, they receive a jacket, which is a symbol of accomplishment. If you compare that to my online dating experience, I have met men off of every website imaginable, qualifying me for the jacket, matching socks, pants, and hat.

In all of the ridiculous messages that I received, or profiles that I have viewed, I have decided to be proactive and set the standard for online dating. Someone needs to do it, for the sake of all single people on this earth. I will break this down in to 2 sections, 1 for men and one for women.

Men

1. Shirtless pictures
- I get the whole "MySpace made shirtless pictures socially acceptable thing" but come on. You look like arrogant douchebags. Where I applaud you for going to the gym 6 times a week and taking care of your body, we really feel as if the whole "look at me thing" just kills the illusion of me being able to wonder what is in fact underneath your shirt. Let us find out for ourselves. If you're wondering why all you are getting is cougars and crazy sluts, revisit your own personality.

2. Don't just look at a profile pic and send a message..READ THE PROFILE
-I can't even count how many first messages I got that said "Wow your hot" or "So sexy". Thank you for setting your species back in to the cave men era. "Your hot" is not a question. You obviously do not want to get to know me, you want to look at me. If a girl happens to find you attractive and you send her a message like that, she gets about as disappointed as a vibrator without its batteries.

3. Manthers (40 + hitting on -30)
-Where I understand now why younger people tend to go for older people due to maturity levels, please keep in to perspective that shriveled up old balls are not appealing. A 20 something girl is not going to be the solution to your failed marriage, and quite frankly having a daughter that is the same age as her, is not a shopping buddy, it is a Jerry Springer Show. Keep within the 5 year + - realm.

4. WORST LINE EVER -"I'm a good guy, different than most you will meet"
-No you're not. Where you may have been the nerd in high school that didn't lose his virginity till the age of 20, you are a male. You still have asshole qualities, you still take things for granted, and you probably have built up an emotional wall. You are on a dating site for a reason, whether its to find true love, prey on the lonely, or to get laid, either way, you are on a dating website where everyone thinks they are different, hence why your single. Be creative, not boring!

5. Having a Conversation With Yourself via Multiple Websites
- Most online daters are on more than 1 website. If you message a girl on 1 site and she doesn't respond, and you see her and msg her on another with no response, chances are she is not interested in you, therefore do not message her again. You will only be having a conversation with yourself. If she did not respond the first time, or the second, or the third, clearly she is not into you and you need to move on.

6. Profile Pictures - of you
- We don't care what your car looks like, if you have a dog, if you have a niece/nephew, what you looked like in HS, or who your friends are. We want to see if we're attracted to you from every angle possible. Let's face it, everyone puts their best pictures on those sites, but we don't want a situation where we text our friends on a date saying "911 he doesn't look like his picture." Keep your pictures as current as possible so we know exactly what we are getting into. Also, you will get more responses with a picture. Having a lame excuse "I can't because of my job" means either you have no self esteem whatsoever or you're in a relationship trying not to get caught. Grow a pear and post a pic! If you post a pic with your friends in it, and he's hotter than you, we will ask about him. Back to the children thing, if you have a kid I commend you for being a father and laying it out on the table, however if it's not your child in the pic...it's a cockblock.

7. "Let's Text Because Its Easier" after 2 emails
- Yes because we want you to have our phone number so if you turn in to a total psychopath we will have to change it. It's a sign of being desperate and pushy. Your already hiding behind a computer trying to talk to girls because of some bad experience you had and developed some sort of social awkwardness. Don't be that internet creeper that she tells her friends about, be that guy that "seems mysterious and unique"

Women:

1. Keep it Classy
-If you dress like a whore in your profile pics, your no different than the shirtless men. You wonder why your attracting the "wrong type of guy?" What guy doesn't like a good side boob every now and then, but you're not screaming girlfriend material, your screaming "slut". Also if you do the whole kissy face thing, chances are you're going to be taken for a head monster..

2. Stay away from Photo shopping
- Yes we all love to do it. We put our absolute best pictures whatsoever on these sites, however, being that society has deemed us as sexual objects, if you don't look good in real life, Photoshop will get you nowhere. No guy wants to walk in to a Coyote Ugly situation with no way out. Be natural, take normal pictures in real life settings, not "modeling" pictures.

3. Cougars (40 + hitting on -30)
-Where I applaud you for not losing your good looks and outlook on life, you do have an advantage right now over us 20 something's. The thrill of a cougar seems to be the newest fashion accessory for a lot of guys. This makes you no better than a guy. Stay away from our men, they have a hard enough finding love as it is. Find someone your own age, that already has a dual burial plot purchased. Keep in the 5 year + - realm.

4. Don't Talk Sex
- Yeah, everyone does it. Just saying the word penis makes me giggle even to this day. But the minute you start having sexual conversations with a guy, he's automatically thinking he's going to get a piece. If you're looking for that, then hey go for it, but if you're a respectable girl looking for that diamond in the rough "special" guy, save your inner pervert for the bedroom, not for a guy that you barely know. Sex does sell, but not a relationship, at best you will get a fuck buddy with a side of a potential STD.

5. Profile Pictures
-Same rant as the guys. Make them as up-to-date as possible. And no friends in the pictures, unless it's with your DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend), then yeah that is totally acceptable. Whatever helps you sleep at night.

6. Be Smart not Desperate
- I can't begin to hear how many horror stories I have heard from girls about guys they met that turned out to be total creepers. Same goes for men with the crazies. All because a semi cute guy who seems "perfect on profile" doesn't mean he is the one. Don't pre order wedding invites, imagine what your  kids will look like, or be a stage 5 clinger. If you have done any of these in the past...it could be a reason as to why you are single to begin with.

7. "I'm not like most girls"
- You are emotional, bi polar at times, and have mood swings. Don't kid yourself. You are special to your parents and friends, that's about it. You will still get pissed if he dicks you over for his friends, will accuse him of cheating, and eventually will emotionally self destruct. Sell yourself on your personality, at least you have that going for you, unless you have a shitty personality, then I would consider investing in a cat. Own this reality and run with it, because if you think your any different, you need to be knocked down a peg or two or you wouldn't resort to online dating.

-Keeping it real :)

Introduction to My World, As I Know It

Introduction:
Being that this is my first Blog ever, I may as well give you a backstory about who I am and life as I know it. I am currently on the virge of turning 29 years young.  I have been single for almost 4 years now and have tried everything and everything you can think of to find a potential partner.  I am one bad experience short of either turning in to a nun, or entering myself in to a mail order bride ring.  If I could remember the person that suggested online dating to me almost four years ago, knowing what I know now, I would travel back in time and kick them in the face.

My dating life for the past almost 4 years now has consisted of meeting every type of guy that you can imagine.  The bulk of these men have either been emotionally unstable or emontionally retarded.  I have noticed a trend that in most good looking men that seem too good to be true, they seem to want to be "friends with benefits".   For those of you that don't know what "friends with benefits" means, its bascially society's new code for "Hi, i'm emotionally retarded, but your vagina/penis sounds nice."

This blog is not designed to bitch and moan about the opposite sex by any means. I refuse to be that "man hating girl that should just become a lesbian and get it over with."  If anything I hope the readers of this blog can relate, laugh, and piss time away at work while being entertained with the trials and tribulations of a normal, average, late 20 something girl.

I could go on and on with the good, bad and ugly...but we will save that for another time :)