Awkward Moments

                Believe it or not, there have been times in my life were situations have left me absolutely speechless.  In almost all of these occasions, rather than making things less weird, I have a tendency to make them even more awkward.  You may think that being outspoken and quick witted, I can keep my composure in almost any situation.  These are some moments where rather than shutting up, I instantly put my foot in my mouth.

The Chiropractor

                Being "that girl,"  I managed to give myself a fantastic lower muscle back spasm courtesy of Nintendo Wii Fit's Yoga.  After going to my primary doctor who is Mr. Anti Pain Killer prescriber, he suggested that I go to a chiropractor.  I wanted to go somewhere within the city, so my old boss suggested his chiropractor and I was more than willing to go, since he made my search easy for me.  When I walked in to the waiting room, I didn't know what to expect.  I found it really weird that there were women of all ages, dressed as if they were attending a fashion show, sitting in a doctor's office and here's me in a pair of sweat pants, hoodie and quite possibly hadn't showered in 24 hours.  After my initial tests were performed by the nurse, I was lead to the waiting room to await the doctor and the results.  Then it happened.  Out from behind the curtain walks this tall, dark skinned, Italian man with a body like a brick shit house.  I'm talking like Joe Magnello from True Blood style.  Thinking he was a patient, I stuck my nose in a magazine and continued to undress him with my eyes when he was not looking.  Next thing I know this gorgeous man is calling my name.  "Am I dreaming?  Shelby, you need to snap out of it.  How on earth does he know my name?  This is fate Shelby, it's your time."  Then it dawned on me..."Fuck he is the Chiropractor."

                 As he greeted me with a warm smile, I was completely and utterly tongue tied.  I think I managed to spit out my name, as I was experiencing my first hot flash ever.  He walks me in to the room, where he begins to tell me my problem area's.  The whole time he is talking, I am doing nothing but thinking about our wedding, what our kids would look like, and if he is as good in bed as I am imagining.  He then proceeds to start the session with a bit of man handing aka back cracking.  After the first crack he asked me how it felt, and caught up in the moment of having his hands all over me I blurted out something along the lines of "This is the first time I have felt the touch of a man in quite some time, so far it's worth the $15 co-pay."  I don't think that was the answer that he was looking for, as he stared at me a little awkwardly with a slight smile. 

                He then proceeded to turn me over and straddle me to stretch out my neck.  Ok I know he's teasing me now.  His package was literally inches away from my blushing face and it took every bone in my body not to motorboat the shit out of his balls.  While this is going on, he asked me something like "So what do you enjoy doing", as to which I blurted out " I am enjoying this greatly"   He then turned me on my side and stuck his muscular knee on my side and pressed down hard. All I kept hoping for was that this was a bad porno, and eventually he was going to just ravish me on the table...Unfortunately he did not.  After the session, he looked at me and suggested that I come back 3 times a week in order to get things corrected.  I looked at him and thinking I was sly blurted out, "Well if you want to see me that often, you don't have to use my spasm as an excuse."  I was at strike three, I knew I needed to just stop talking.  I went back 2 more times, only to find out that he was married and had children.  Once finding out this crucial information, I never returned. 

The Business Trip            

                My company sent me to NYC for 2 weeks to prepare for our upcoming marketing year.  I had been cooped up in a hotel room for the entire time and was looking forward to finally coming home.  The amazing thing about NYC is I always managed to the craziest shuttle drivers that get me to the airport in a ridiculously fast amount of time.  I had arrived to LaGuardia Airport 2.5 hours before my scheduled flight.  Being tired, moody and looking like total hell, I decided to grab a bite to eat at a restaurant I had never heard of.  There were no tables to sit so I was forced to sit at the bar.  After 20 minutes of sitting at the bar getting ignored by both the obviously gay male and female bartender, I started getting very irritated and made snide comments for the people around me's entertainment.  After looking at the menu for what seemed to be about the 400th time, I heard a deep voice say to me "Can I get you anything."  When I looked up I was floored.  I was staring at the most gorgeous man I had ever seen in my life. 

                He was tall, Italian (do we see a pattern here?), and looked like he could of been The Rock's son.  I instantly started sweating, and could feel my face getting red.  Trying to remain calm, I looked at him and placed my order.  He repeated the order back to me, at which I replied, "I'm not sure I want anything now because that means I won't get to look at you anymore."  I think he was a little smitten, but most definatly uncomfortable as he cracked a half ass smile and walked away.  A couple of minutes later, and my 3rd glass of water, he came back over to assure me my order would be up soon.  Out of nowhere, rather than being a normal human being, I started talking and couldn't stop.  I proceeded to stroke his ego by telling him that he looks like the Rock, and how he should model, and he may in fact be the most gorgeous man I have ever seen.  With all the diarrhea spewing out of my mouth I couldn't stop.  He was wearing a hat so I asked him "Do you have hair?" in which he removed his baseball cap to show me a full head of Italian wavy black hair.  It took every bone in my body not to jump over that bar and rape him, and unfortunately in the heat of the moment... I told him that.  I seriously could not stop.  Everything coming out of my mouth was something that Quagmire from Family Guy would say.  I hated myself at this point, and as I ate my burnt $12 chicken sandwich that he made for me, all I kept thinking about was "Shelby, you are not weird, stop acting like it."

                 He then sits down next to me (apparently on break), and we proceed to chat more.  I actually grabbed a hold of myself and did the smart thing and let him talk.  After finding out that his first and last name are in fact the same, and him not getting any of my jokes, we became Facebook friends and parted ways.   A little while later, he unfriended me due to getting back together with his ex girlfriend (the one I got to hear him bitch about for 10 min), and all I am left with is the memory of what could of been.

Internet Celebrity

                It was a random Friday night in the middle of summer and there was really nothing other than the usual going on.  All of the weddings were over, and being that none of my single friends were up in the city, I decided to hang out with a friend of mine and her boyfriend.  They had only been dating for a couple of months at the time, but during it, he had accepted the ultimate girl code rule: If you date one of Shelby's friends, you practically are dating her as well.  We decided to do something out of the ordinary and travel beyond the city limits to the infamous Cabana Bar with the hopes of actually finding myself a guy my own age, rather than a drunk college kid.  We began stalking people in the search of finding a table, and ended up scoring great seats next to a sand filled fire pit.  As the three of us started chatting, I had a group of both mixed guys and girls hanging out to the right of me.  There were a couple of cute guys but I could tell they were probably a few years younger than me, so I didn't even really engage in any sort of eye fucking.  Feeling mischievous, me and my friends started talking about how we hadn't been to a strip club in a really long time, and what a random idea it would be to go to one.  Slightly buzzed, I tapped the shoulder of the kid that was sitting near the fire pit next to me and politely asked him if he knew where the closest strip club was.  He rattled off ones that had closed, which was no help to us and I politely said thank you and turned my back toward him.

                 2 minutes later, he proceeds to tap me on the shoulder.  I turn to him and he says to me:"I don't mean to be rude, but are you on Plenty of Fish?"  Normally, at this point I would of lied my ass off, however so taken back that I had been recognized by my profile I couldn't help but reply "yes, yes I am", with an awkward smile.  He proceeds to tell me that he has in fact seen my profile and thought it was quite hysterical.  Trying to regain some control of the situation, I asked him "Well why didn't you ever message me?!" in which he replied, "well I am younger than you, so I didn't think you would respond."  I looked at him and said, "atta boy."  After showing me some of the msgs he had received from women, as well as us laughing about the site being a total joke, I had felt I had made a new plenty of fish friend.   As we were leaving to go to the strip club, he says, "i'll message ya sometime," to which I replied, "cool."   Within 20 minutes of leaving the bar, he had messaged me.  Trying to move onward  in the evening we arrived at Erotica as planned. 

                After throwing a tantrum because the male strippers were done for the night, and knowing I was going to be forced to look at body parts I already have, I proceeded to the bar to make the best of the situation.  On my short walk to the bar, which was literally 20 feet, I got confused for being a stripper 3 times as well as stopped by a severely drunk guy that literally raped my phone to put his number in it.  Why hadn't I thought of this before?  Strip Clubs are like a cesspool for lonely men, (well that and Star Wars conventions), why haven't I tried picking up men here before?  2 more phone numbers later, and being awkwardly man handled by a female stripper that looked like RuPaul's post op sister, I decided to step outside for some air.  On a drunk scale, I was at a 7 by this point.  I had noticed one of the valet's and he looked extremely familiar, but I couldn't pin point where.  Out of nowhere I look at him and with a dumbfounded look I spewed out his name.  Confused and puzzled he looks at me and says, "Do I know you?".  I look at him, and in front of his co-workers as well as owner of Erotica and say, "Yeah, I'm Shelby from Plenty of Fish, you know the girl that you stopped talking to because you had to take your dog for a walk?"              

<Backstory>  Met this guy on POF, we went back and forth, exchanged numbers.  Our first conversation, which lasted 10 min, all he talked about was his damn dog.  During our conversation, I asked him how the dog felt about him dating and not being home all the time, to which he ended our conversation abruptly telling me he had to take the dog for a walk.  He hadn't contacted or called me since.  

                After a short moment of silence, laugher had burst out amongst his co-workers and the owner along with comments such as "If I was talking to a girl as pretty as you, I wouldn't care about a dog," and "Are you really that big of an idiot?"  After seeing me in person, knowing that I was not photo shopped, fat, or missing any teeth, his face turned about 6 shades of red in embarrassment.  I didn't mean to embarrass the kid, but seriously?   Men have dicked me over for many types: she beasts, girls that look like they could clear out a buffet, and even wannabe playboy models, However: I have never once been dicked over by an actual member of the animal family.  After the laugher subsided, he decided that now he in fact wanted to get to know me.  He told me he would call me the next day to which I replied, "yeah, ok sure whatever." 

                The next day I received a call from him, and the next day, and so on for about 4 days.  The dog talk subsided, and he kept asking me to hang out.  Finally after running out of excuses, I finally told him, "Look I'm sure you are a great guy and all, but I can't date a guy if he already has a top bitch in his life." We have not spoken, nor have I been to Erotica ever since. 

Keeping it real -

Shelby 

Shelby Does Boise, ID Part 3 of 4

                While doing my research to compare Pittsburgh's POF market to other cities, I wanted to experiment in a city that people tend to forget about.  For some reason, middle of nowhere Boise, Idaho popped in to my head.  With my overalls washed, and my tractor gassed up, I loaded up the double wide and fictitiously moved to Boise. 

                Along with the socially awkward (which POF is where they seem to all swim to), old men with wrinkly balls, and just the plain weird, I gotta tell you, Boise, you did shock me...

30/M/Boise

You sound like myt type of girl I like the list u have,there a lot of wierd people on
this site I here,:)am lokkn for the same thing n want to find a nice girl to start a
family n be happy at the sametime,if you want to talk more message ,me:)have a good day  

Dear Reading In To Things:

                Where on earth did you get from my profile that I'm ready to start a family?  I mention nothing about wanting offspring in the near future.  You remind me of some crazy chick that pretends to take birth control, when in reality she replaced them with M&M's.  You type like a child, so I can see where the want for children in your life could be.  You probably don't relate to women your age, because the only girls that understand you are 4th graders. Your dipshit remark about wanting to start a family and be happy "at the same time," seriously may be the dumbest thing I have ever heard.  I mean come on, who wants to be happy with both their wife and children? Maybe just about anyone who believes in marriage anymore, dumbass.   I envision a life with you would consist of me becoming  a miserable alcoholic housewife who seduces the UPS man.  I think my opening line will be "So what other packages do you have for me today," as I stare at him with my drunken sexy look and twitching right eyeball.   There clearly are a lot of "wierd" people on this site, unfortunately your statement is like the pot calling the kettle black. 

33/M/Boise

so I was going to write u and tell. u that u are absolutely gorgeous but then I thought better of it. I figured that u get a thousand emails like that, a day. it would be like writing the mythical characters of the world(Bigfoot,Easterbunny,Santa Claus,the toothfairy and the most elusive of them all, the honest man) and telling them the don't exist. or writing dog poo and telling it that it stinks. basically stating the obvious. omg did I just use dog poo in the same statement where I am telling u that u are beautiful? ok just bear with me. so since girls like guys with skills, I thought I would show off my sick bilingual skills and tell u in a foreign language.so here it goes.... Hi-o, you-o are-o absolutely-o gorgeous-o!!! now I know that my mad bilingual skills might be a bit intimidating but I hope u wont be too intimidated to write me back.

Dear Epic Fail:

            You should of just stuck to "you are absolutely gorgeous" and stopped.  Proceeding to ramble on and on about stupid things, will not get a date with me.  The fact that you refer to the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and the Tooth Fairy, it leads me to believe that your childhood wasn't a pleasant one.  Bigfoot and Honest Men are not mythical ok?  There is scientific proof that they are out there, they are just not clearly found on internet dating websites.  Let me bring you up to speed on adult talk.  It is not called poo it is called shit, crap, anal leakage or feces.  Those 4 terms are the only ones I find acceptable in an adult conversation. Where I appreciate a corny line here and there,  you single handedly managed to husk the entire field clean. I am not intimated at all, in fact I can also speak your language: if-o I-o throw-o a-o stick-o, will-o you-o leave-o me-o alone-o.

46/M/Cadawell

Email #1

Wow.... very very classy...
Love every outfit....
Especially love the boots on you..
Do you date older guys? I would love to take you out on a date.
-Greg

Email #2

Sweetie... I would seriously love to take you out on a date wearing those boots and show you off...

Dear Gay Greg -

                There are many things wrong with you, so I will only highlight a couple to keep this short.  The fact that you comment on my clothes and boots leads me to believe that you may possibly be gay.  A heterosexual male would of said, "Wow you are hot" or "You look sexy in those boots."  You basically worded it in a way which leads me to believe if I spent the night, I would wake up to you wearing my boots checking yourself out in the mirror.   You probably want to show me off to your parents with the hopes of convincing them that you are in fact not a raging homosexual.  I am not a homophobe by far, some of my good friends are gay, however not any of them would put me in a situation that would end up like a bad Logo Channel movie.  I am known to make horrible decisions when I'm drunk, however I don't even think chugging an entire bottle of Vodka at dinner would shut my gaydar down and make me attracted to you. I think you donated sperm at a Baltimore Sperm Bank.  Congrats, you have a son!  Now you can "show him off" to your parents instead of me.

39/M/Boise

I too seek someone to accompany on adventures. I'm a gentleman for the most part... however, I have a bit of bad boy in me also. I have intellect & wit to go along with charm & class... then sometimes I feel the need to embrace my rebellious side... and I bet you have that desire as well.

Is this a mixture that you could get to know better? Ryan

Dear Bad Boy

                Apparently you  missed the memo that "bad boys" where cool when I was 18 and rebelling against my parents.  You cannot be both a gentleman and a bad boy, there is no such thing.  That's like saying you are a Christian rapper.  Your profile is completely normal, and you even have "gentle" in your screen name.  You are not fooling anyone here.    Where I'm sure gang initiation in Boise consists of jerking off a horse, that is not exciting to me, the Jackass guys already did it.   An evening of cow tipping and driving around without a seatbelt is not being "bad," it's being lame.  This is not a mixture I could get to know better, considering you already sound about as boring as coloring with a white crayon.  When you get to my level, and have done things that can make a blind man blush, then we'll talk.   

38/M/Boise

Email #1

Hello. I want to suck on your clam while your thighs are wrapped around my face as you engulf my sausage

Email #2

slurp, slurp, slurp,mmmmmmm I am exploding all in your mouth!!

Dear Clam Whisper:

            You seem to have your food groups all mixed up.  Clams are not a good food to partner with sausages.  Jesus Christ you are a loser.  Just thinking about you sucking on my "clam" has given me an instant and permanent camel toe.  You seriously made my vagina "clam up", and it is now going to be out of commission to even myself for a while.  I honestly don't think a fresh pack of Duracell can fix the damage that you have done.  If I wanted to have a sexual experience with a sea creature, I would rather get gang banged by Spongebob and Patrick. Sponge Bob has square pants, at least I know he's packing something down there.  I had to think for a minute that it was 69-ing that  you were referring to.  Your dad's sperm must be an excellent swimmer.  I think you have an illigamiate brother in Pittsburgh.  He likes to call lady parts a "mooch." You guys should write a book based on sexual experiences, even if it would only be 2 pages long and would involve slurping noises and sighs of disappointment.   You can title it "The chronicles of Clam and Mooch" I would buy it with the sole intention of wiping my ass with it later. 

Special note:  Where I had hoped this would become a 4 part seires, unfortuantly Los Angeles was the most normal city yet to date.  I have been on for almost a month, and have not recieved 1 single perverted or abnormal message.  I will have to regroup for next week :/

Keeping it Real

- Shelby

Shelby Does Seaside Heights, NJ - Part 2 of 4

                Let  me first and foremost proudly say - I have never watched an episode of Jersey Shore in my life.  I honestly do not need to ever, considering every cast member has infiltrated my dreams thanks to Facebook, TMZ and People.com.  I once had a dream that myself, Snookie and J-wow hopped in a limo and went to GetGo because Snookie wanted a hot dog.  In another dream, Pauly D hand selected me out of a crowd to "compete for his affection" on his newest reality show.  I was even a member of the cast once, in my dream it was "Survivor - Jersey Shore edition," where I pushed "The Situation" off of a cliff.

                With all the hype of this damn TV show, and their styles being copied by 85% of the Pittsburgh 21-35 male and female population, I decided to see if the area that the show originated in was in fact nothing but juiced up Guido's with rock hard bodies, fo hawks, and spray tans that look as if they rolled around in a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos. 

                The results were shocking.  If you are an avid reader, it's quite clear that I have a slight obsession with Italian men, however the POF market in Seaside was quite normal.  I wasn't flooded with many shirtless mirror pics, or ridiculous messages, most of the messages were slightly awkward if that.  I almost did not get enough material to write this blog due to the normalcy of messages.  Maybe all Jersey guys aren't like the show? 

Here are some slightly awkward messages I received:

 38/M/Fairless Hills, PA

HEY THERE HOWS IT GOING? MY NAME IS SCOTT AND I AM SOMEWHAT NEW TO THIS SITE.. HAVE YOU HAD ANY LUCK ON THIS SITE. NO LUCK FOR ME YET BUT I AM ALSO NOT DESPERATE OR IN ANY TYPE OF RUSH .. I HAVE NOT SPENT MUCH TIME ON HERE EITHER THOUGH BUT FIGURED WHAT THE HECK AND SIGNED UP YOU NEVER KNOW ... I MUST SAY THAT YOU ARE SO CUTE BUT SO SEXY AT THE SAME TIME THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS !!!!

DEAR SCOTT -

                SINCE YOU FEEL THE NEED TO BUST A CAPS LOCK ON MY ASS, I WILL RETURN THE FAVOR.  NORMALLY WHEN A PERSON SAYS THEY AREN'T DESPERATE, THEY ARE.  I'M SURE YOU HAVE GOTTEN TO THE POINT IN YOUR LIFE THAT IF YOU FIND AN UGLY DRUNK GIRL TO BANG, ITS  "TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM," AND NOT JUST BEING DESPERATE.   IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU HAVE HIT ROCK BOTTOM AND ARE TRYING TO CONVINCE NOT ONLY ME, BUT ALSO YOURSELF AS WELL.  I'M CURIOUS TO KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST 38 YEARS NOT TO BE IN A RUSH.  IF YOU ARE NEW TO ONLINE DATING AT THE AGE OF 38,  CLEARLY YOUR REAL LIFE PICK UP  SKILLS WILL REFLECT IN YOUR ONLINE PICK UP SKILLS, LEAVING YOU HOME ALONE EVERY NIGHT MASTERBAITING TO STOMACH HUMPING PORN.  CALLING A GIRL CUTE AND SEXY AT THE SAME TIME IS ABOUT AS LAME AS GETTING UNDERWEAR FOR XMAS.  HAVE YOU EVER HEARD ANYONE CALL A BUNNY RABBIT CUTE AND SEXY?  NO.  CLEARLY YOU DO NOT KNOW WHERE CUTE AND SEXY FALL ON THE MALE SCALE OF COMPLIMENTS.  YOUR BASICALLY CALLING ME A 5 AND AN 8 AT THE SAME TIME, MAKING ME A 6.5?  THATS NOT A COMPLIMENT, THAT IS AN INSULT.

35/M/Shamog, NY

you really like those boots huh. very cute. wait does that count about me talking
about body parts. can i have a do over. do you hang out at karma waiting for Pauly D.

Dear Just Stop Talking

                Yes, I like my boots.  Do you really think I would spend a shit-ton of money on them in order for them to be fixtures on my bedroom floor?  Clearly you are an idiot considering you think boots are a body part. You cannot have a do-over, the damage has been done. Making a smart ass remark about a girls boots, is the equivalent of telling a small child you killed their imaginary friend, they will hate you forever. Does drinking the water in Jersey make you a total moron, or just a half ass?  I would rather join a convent in Zimbabwe than hang out Pauly D.  Do I look like the type to hang out with a guy that's going to endorse his terrible vodka and cheap sunless tanner while fist pumping to his own lame ass remix of a Britney Spears/Metallica Song, while he talks Ebonics saying "This Joint is Hot, Yo."  Where fist pumping was never cool, every time it happens I now feel like I am in a room full of potential murders, practicing stabbing people with air knives.   I'd much rather hang out with a "DJ" that has, oh what's that word...talent? 

29/M/Toms River, NY

we make 29 look goooood. agreed? also, we'd take such cute photo booth pictures together ;)

Ryan

Dear Rockin Ryan -

                The reason that you are single is because you broke cardinal rule #1 when it comes to talking to women - You mentioned age.  I do not need to be reminded that I am on the eve of a landmark birthday.  Chances are, I will remain 29 for the next 20 some years as long as my looks do not fade.  I may in fact lie the next time I go to the DMV and have them change my birthday to give me just a couple of more years. I do not need to be reminded that I am 29 and on a dating website.   Photo Booth pictures?  They still have those? We would take cute pictures!  You cheesing because you have a good looking 20 something girl on your arm, while I pretend  to hang, choke, slit my wrists and shoot myself.  Your vagina whispering skills clearly need work. 

32/Stafford Twp, NJ

Cara bella, cara mia bella!
Mia bambina, o ciel!
Ché la stimo…
Ché la stimo.
O cara mia, addio!

A change in the normal messages I am sure you get

Dear Mario:

                Where I appreciate your attempt to give me a non conventional message, I am struggling to understand what the hell you are saying.  I'm sure you have heard that the words of love translate in to any language, however I do not know what foreign language you are speaking.  Babblefish.com doesn't even know what language this is.  I'm going to guess its Italian w/ the bella and bambina, which are one of the few Italian words I know.  Isn't Carabella a fishing and hunting store?  Are you comparing me to a department store?  Really?  Your tactical approach isn't working.  If I wanted to listen to someone speak in tongues, I would much rather watch an exorcism.  You could potentially be mocking me right now, and only those fluent in Italian would be getting it right now.  Don't get me wrong, I love me some Italian men, but not the Nintendo Wii version's of Mario that speaks in absolute nonsense.

42/M/Margate City, NY

Would you date a great guy that is kinky and well endowed? LOL

Dear Sir Kinks-alot

                No....I would not.  You sound like a total skeeze bag.  I highly doubt you are a genuinely great guy, I'm sure it comes with a price.  Where, I appreciate you being up front and honest about your kinkyness and penis size, I feel there is something you need to know.  Were I am known to be quite the little gambler, I very rarely hit a jackpot when it comes to penis size in the sack.  So by eluding  that your penis is bigger than the size of a midgets thumb, I'm hardly not impressed.   I'm not sure what your idea of kinky is exactly, but I can probably guess it involves nipple electrocution and mushroom stamping.  Where I will be gladly willing to greet  you with my taser upon our first encounter, I will not let your "well endowed" wang anywhere near my forehead, stomach,  or leg for that matter.  I don't care if you have to duct tape it to your leg in fear of stepping on it when you walk, or look like you have a tripod in your pants.  I don't want something that you "think" is as big as an industrial vacuum hose anywhere near my kitty. 

In Conclusion:

                Seaside Heights POF is not overflowing with Jersey Shore wannabes.  There were actually more legitimate normal messages than weird ones.  I did get a shirtless mirror pic here and there with the occasional "hey, I just drank a protein shake and did 1000 push ups," look, but even those guys were polite when messaging.

                Unfortunately again, Pittsburgh men even the god awful Jersey Shore has more class than most of you Pittsburgh POF'ers. 

Baltimore - 1

Jersey Shore - 1

Pittsburgh - 0

Keeping It Real

Next Week - Boise, ID

- Shelby

Shelby Does Baltimore - Part 1 of 4

                After having way too much time on my hands during my 12 day vacation, it occurred to me that maybe I am a little too hard on Pittsburgh guys.  Granted, I have never lived outside of a 30 mile radius of Pittsburgh, however, I am smart enough to know that there is a bigger world out there.  I am not a peppy cheerleader that talks Pittsburgh up to be the greatest city in the world (unless I'm trying to inadvertently  trying to get someone to move here for my own personal agenda). 

                I got to thinking, "It can't just be Pittsburgh guys that are emotionally retarded, it has to be everywhere."  So I decided to shop around different cities to see what in fact is out there and how comparable that the men would be.  I chose the following cities:  Baltimore (MD), Seaside Heights (NJ), Boise (ID), and Los Angeles (CA).

                I am sad to admit it, but Baltimore men make Pittsburgh men look like total Jackasses.  I was bombarded with mostly "Hello, how are you?" or "Hi, I'm xxxx, care to chat?".  I barley even saw a shirtless mirror picture.  Other than a slight lack of intelligence from some messages as you will see, Baltimore's POF market, is surprisingly and unexpectedly respectable. 

And now I would like to showcase the lack of intelligence that Baltimore men exhibit :

27/M/Baltimore, MD

You're adorable. Let's move to Greece and sell hot dogs on the beach together.

Seriously though, I like your profile. I'd love to chat. You seem genuine. What do you think? Up for chatting?

How was your new years night? Today is my first day back after the winter break.

-Z

Dear Zorro,

            Obviously you do not hold a degree in Business and Marketing, which is why your brilliant idea to move to Greece and sell hot dogs wouldn't work.  Why don't we just move to Florida and sell winter jackets in the middle of summer?  Or better yet, let's open up a community swimming pool during winter in Alaska.  Your lack of culture annoys me.  Do you really think Greeks want an imported, frozen and thawed hot dog being sold them by an American ginger, when they can walk 30 feet up a cobblestone road and purchase a freshly killed lamb from one of their 30 cousins?  Where I'm sure you are well cultured witnessing drive bys and domestic disputes on a daily basis, your lack of knowledge in product placement annoys me. You are what the Greeks call a "malaka". Clearly you celebrated "new year's night" alone, because the rest of the world calls it "new years eve,"  and while you were sitting at home working on your pathetic "business plan," I was out drinking heavily and hanging out with people called friends.  I can only imagine where you just came back from during your "winter break."  Baltimore is not excited to see you return.

26/M/Baltimore

Not only do you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders, but you seem like a genuinely awesome person and pretty
cute. Have you ever been sky diving? Do you like shooting guns?

Dear GI Jackass:

            I'm glad to know that a psychopath thinks I have a good head on my shoulders.  I wonder if I ever went out with you what personality would surface.  No, I have never gone sky diving, however, after potentially meeting you, I may want to free ball it and go without a parachute.  Do I like shooting guns?  I am not the type of girl that gets turned on with words like "AK 47" or "armor piercing ammunition."  I don't think you are looking for a "Baltimore" girl, I think you need to visit South Carolina and find a girl from the area where they filmed Deliverance.  I am starting to think the only reason you think I have a "good head on my shoulders" is because you want to mount it on your wall.  Being you are an adrenaline junkie, I bet our first date would consist of this:  You pick me up on your motorcycle with no helmets.  We then proceed to go 100 miles an hour on the highway to the nearest shooting range, where we then engage in target practice.  Following your several trips to the bathroom where you finish yourself off due to the "rush", we then climb the highest building in Baltimore and proceed to base jump off of it.  Where I applaud you for being "exciting", I'd much rather die from being electrocuted by an electric vibrator in a bathtub.   

22/M/Baltimore

hey how are you? you are one gorgeous woman lol. i would love to hang out and give you a foot massage sometime :)

Dear ADIDAFS (All day I dream about foot sex):

            First off, I am quite offended that you call me gorgeous and then laugh about it.  I understand there is no such thing as sarcasm font, however that is not any kind of introductory way to approach an imaginary Baltimore gal.  You are already implying that you have an awkward sense of humor, which could make things interesting for me and horrific for you.  Now let's talk about hanging out.  Nothing screams romance like a first date foot massage.  Shall we do it in the mall food court?  Or better yet, why don't you rub my puppies down while we are at Baltimore's finest restaurant.  Nothing screams class like a public foot rub.  Your willingness to give my feet a hand job leads me to believe that you probably would get off on it.  I will not play any part in your weird foot porn fetish.  Why are you even on Plenty of Fish?  Shouldn't you be on Craigslist with all the other weird fetish people go to pro create, molding the up and coming generation of children in to total freaks?  Sadly, you are only 22.  You have an entire life time of name calling and rejection ahead of you.  The only way you are ever going to get any attention from women is by purchasing a shoe store and changing your name to Al Bundy..wait never mind. Al Bundy was a football player, not president of the fashion club.

41/M/Baltimore

Hi-i realize I am a bit older than you but my last girlfriend was your age and we got along very
well. I did read your profile and think we may have a lot in common. Any way-i hope to hear from you
and if you haven't had great with certain guys maybe someone more established and stable would be a great way to start the new year.

                               

Dear Peter Pan:

     It's ok, I don't want to grow up either.  I'm glad you lack that much social skill that you felt the need to tell me about your ex girlfriend, that happens to be my age.  It makes me feel good to know that by strictly looking at my pictures and reading my profile that you think I have daddy issues.  I'm sure your last girlfriend was probably either a gold digging whore, or an ex stripper with daddy issues.  I bet it wasn't until after she gang banged the entire offensive line of the Baltimore Ravens that she met you, and found her salvation.  It was at that time that she probably discovered that wrinkly old balls are this seasons newest fashion accessory.  Obviously I haven't had "great" with certain guys, I'm on a dating website that is named after an inspirational quote that married people say to comfort their lonely, single friends.  You wonder why you got a girl my age?  You sound like an insurance agency and not a boyfriend.  "More established and stable would be great to start the new year."  When I read that quote my subconscious investment banker speaks to me, "Shelby, invest stock in a porn store and AA rechargeable batteries."  

32/M/Baltimore

Hi. I read your profile. My names Rob. I live in the city and work downtown at Ummc hospital. I live off O'donnell st on the east side of town. So i know what your looking for but you didn't give out much info about yourself. What do you like to do for fun? I like to go out for drinks. Baltimore has such a great selection of restaurants and
bars. I like to go to the movies if there's anything worth seeing. I can be alot of fun to hang out with. If you'd like to chat that would be awesome :)

Dear Restraining-Order Rob

            I want to say thank you very much for not only letting me know where you work, but also allowing me to geographically locate you.  You are so open, you would make an excellent boyfriend considering you are probably one of those annoying people that check themselves in everywhere via Foursquare thinking people actually give a rats ass as to where you are.  I don't care if you are the Mayor of O'Donnell street or the President of the Baltimore Bush Company, I'm clearly not going to tell you what I'm looking for in fear that you will stalk me.  If you are that willing to tell me details as to where you work and live, you probably plant GPS tracking devices on girls cars that don't give you straight answers.  Thank  you Captain Obvious, for telling me that the town I imaginary relocated to has great restaurants and bars.  You may as well just said, "Boys have penises," because clearly I do not already know that either.  Also, you are soooo unique because you only go to the movies when something you want to see comes out?  Well I for one enjoy spending $10 on a movie that I have no desire to see, which I'm sure is the thinking of all movie goers at the time.  Who actually goes to watch a movie they want to see?  Thanks for clarifying that for me President Perceptive.   I imagine that a date with you would end up in me slipping myself a roofie, in order to keep myself entertained.  Your best drunken and sober pick up line is probably, "Hey, you're a girl."   

            So in conclusion, other than pure stupidity and slight desperateness, Baltimore POF guys are kind of harmless.  I barley saw any shirtless mirror pictures, and other than the foot fetish thing, Baltimore guys are less emotionally retarded than Pittsburgh :(  I'm sorry Pittsburgh guys,  where we may be winning the war on intelligence, Baltimore guys show better internet dating skills and are probably getting more ass than you because they are actually polite in messages, and not total perverted douchebag weirdo's. 

Baltimore 1 - Pittsburgh 0

Next week - Taking on Real Jersey Shore Guys (hopefully)

Keeping it real

- Shelby

The Lies I've Told People

                     I don't know if it's my drunken alter ego, or my need for pure entertainment in my life, but looking back in to the past, I have definitely told total strangers ridiculous lies.  Not with any malicious intent of course, but for strict entertainment for me and my friends.   A lot of these stories have either been retold to me, or a version that I barely remember due to extreme alcohol consumption.  With the help of Maria, Niki and Jamie, and in the spirit of just finishing Chelsea Handler's book on tape(thanks Jess!) "The Lies Chelsea Handler has told me", here are some of my own stories for your entertainment.

Some drunk bitch

                I remember this one like it was yesterday, only because I am reminded of it all the time.  Back before there were weddings, babies, and relationships, there were 6 girls that used to go out religiously on Friday Nights to the South Side.  Jimmy D's used to be our hotspot in our mid 20's.  One night, and apparently too many drinks, I found myself in the bathroom throwing up.  Apparently, my stomach was not as strong back then.  On a drunk scale of 1 - 10, I was at about a strong 7.  After pulling myself together, or so I thought, I headed back upstairs to rejoin my friends.  Along the way, I noticed people staring at me.  I thought maybe it was because of drunken paranoia or something, so I just kept on going searching for my friends.  When I rejoined my friends, they were in total disgust.  Apparently, drunk me was incapable of wiping all of the vomit from my face/hair, and I was walking around with it all over me. 

                           Trying to maintain my composure and not look like an asshole, I told my friends that "some drunk bitch threw up all over me in the bathroom."  My friends know me well, and knew that I was totally bullshitting them, but proceeded to play along.  About 30 minutes later, my drunken Shelby senses spotted a hottie by the bar.  With all the liquid courage I needed, I walked over to him and struck up a conversation.  Mid way through the conversation he asks, "Umm did you throw up, it looks like you have vomit on you."  I then proceeded to keep my story from earlier about how some drunk bitch was in the bathroom projectile vomiting and I was caught in the crossfire.  Not really sure if he believed me, I then proceeded to point out a random girl in the crowd "accusing her" of doing it, and explained how I ended up getting a free drink out of it, and it seriously was not my vomit.  Apparently I was convincing.  Not only did he believe me, I also ended up drunkenly making out with him later on in the night. 

The moral of the story:  Not even vomit can ruin a drunk girls game.

Summers in Warren

                I met Lam and Maria when I was 15.  I was only friends with Lam at first, because I thought her brother was super hot and I wanted to get close to him.  After realizing him and I's incompatibility, I ended up remaining friends with Lam and Maria, because they were actually quite fun to be around.  They are Greek, so one requirement of being a Greek person's friend, is that you occasionally have to attend Greek functions.  Since we were fairly young, and not old enough to drive, we would be escorted in Lam and Maria's mom's red mini-van to Warren, OH to visit her grandparents.  Every year, the town of Warren would host a huge Greek festival including rides, dancing and of course authentic Greek food.  I had never ate a gyro before I met them, and discovering Lamb meat was a holy experience for me.  Once we got to the festival and got comfortable with our surroundings, we discovered there was a gyro conspiracy and the meat they were serving was not real "off the spit", but was the kind you would see at a grocery store.  Being 3 disappointed girls, we decided to sit on a park bench next to a Ferris Wheel and sulk. 

                     Back then, when Lam and I needed entertainment, we would play a game we made up called the "Name Game."  Basically we would shout out random names at people as they walked by.  If we got it right, we got a point, when we were wrong, people just thought we had turrets.  So me, Lam and Maria decided to play the game.  After about 10 minutes of shouting random names, we actually ended up guessing the name of a guy around our age.  (I don't remember who got the name right, I'm assuming it was me considering the events to follow.)  This good looking kid comes up to us dumbfounded and confused asking us who we are.  For a good 10 minutes Lam and I playing off of each other convincing this guy that we had not only partied with him before, but that him and Lam fooled around in his grandma's closet during a 7 minutes in Heaven game.  Feeling terrible that he doesn't remember, and Lam acting totally offended, he asked us if we wanted to walk around with him.  After about 20 min the kid gets quite ballsy and starts coming on to Lam again..or so he thought.  I don't remember exactly how we ditched him, but me, Lam and Maria made some excuse as to why we had to go (I'm thinking we made up a curfew excuse) and left the festival.

Moral of the story:  Even at a young age, if a guy thinks he's been somewhere before, he will attempt to go for it again. 

Jesus Take the Wheel    

                This past Thanksgiving, I was home in the county visiting my family.  I normally do not like to get drunk in my hometown, because if I do anything stupid or outrageous, it will be headline news the next day via the gossip chain.  Me and my friend Jamie decided to go local for a few adult beverages.  After bar hopping all night, we ended up at an old friend of ours bar.  On a drunk scale I was at about a 6.  Jamie and I grab a table in the back part of the restaurant, and we then start having a very serious, heartfelt conversation about some recent events.  As we are mid conversation, making some sort of leeway, a guy that looks like Harry Potters older brother comes over and sits down next to me in our booth.  Looking confused and thinking that he may know Jamie, I look at him and say hello and introduce myself.  As Jamie is introducing herself, I realize neither of us don't know him, and its game on for rudely interrupting our conversation.  Jamie knew it was on too, when I told the kid I was 25. 

                  It started when I made a comment about European Clubs and how you can get drugs on every corner (I've never been to Europe).  He then proceeded to ask me if I did drugs, and this is where things went spiraling out of control.  I told him that I used to be a big drug addict until I found God.  I joined a seminary, but only to leave 6 months in because I found out that masturbation is not allowed in the church.  I then went back to school for business, and I now travel all over the world for a college food service vendor.  Jamie had instantly became a nurse at Allegheny General and had been dating a guy for a very long time, that I was convinced was a homosexual.  We told this guy that Jamie's imaginary boyfriend only will have doggy style sex with her, and asked her to wear a strap on.  She had also caught him looking at gay porn at home.  I think this guy felt sorry for Jamie, because he tried telling her that he was gay, while I am sitting at the table praying for her telling him that god doesn't forgive homosexuals. 

                 At this point, I run in to someone that I graduated with, and as I leave the table, hoping this guy will too, he tells Jamie that super religious people tend to freak him out.  Coming back to him, still sitting there Jamie and I pull out all the stops, bantering back and forth about things we have actually done, but accusing the other of doing it.  After this doesn't work and he is not weirded out at all, Jamie goes in for the ultimate lie..."Well Shelby what about the herpes"... Silence falls on the table, and I have never seen anyone jump up and run away so fast in my life.

Moral of the story:  Lying about herpes will repel unwanted guests from any situation.

No really, I can't hear you            

                                        This story is a little fuzzy but I remember the basics.  I can't remember which friends I was with, but I do remember we were at Jimmy D's.  The place was crawling with young guys and it was right around the time that the Jersey Shore "douche bag" look started hitting Pittsburgh.  I was out on the dance floor doing my typical "I think I can dance when I'm drunk" moves, when I realized I was all alone on the dance floor.  My friends had disappeared, and I had no clue what was going on.   I started aimlessly walking around until I found them, uncomfortably talking to a couple of guys.  Being that we were inseparable back then and almost had telepathic communication, I knew they were in trouble and needed to intervene.   I walked up to them, and started flipping my fingers as if I was trying to say something.  Confused, my friends had no clue what I was doing, so once the guy had stopped paying attention to my extravagant entrance, I lipped to them "sign language, i'm deaf." 

                          Not really sure how the hell I was going to pull this one off, I literally just started moving my fingers around, almost as if I had turrets syndrome.  Confused, the guys that were hitting on my friends tried being polite and started introducing themselves.  It was at that point, that in as if I had a dick in my throat, I proceeded to speak in my best deaf dialect.  I then proceeded to ask them (again in my best deaf dialect) to talk slowly so I could "lip read."  It was at this point that I officially appeared as if I was having a seizure( with all of the movement going on with my hands.)  It must have been working, because the one guy asked me (very slowly of course), "how do you hear the music?".  I channeled my 8th grade self, and proceeded to tap the floor similar to the Cotton Eyed Joe dance, trying to get the point across that I could "feel the vibrations."   With my friends completely embarrassed, but also thankful for me saving them they politely excused themselves from the conversation because they needed to "grab me before I got out of control."

Moral of the story:  If you talk and act like a Jersey Shore douchebag, your conversation will fall upon deaf ears.

Cougar Barb and Company

                I was visiting an old friend who had recently moved down south.  After a few low key nights of just hanging out and catching up, we decided to go out on the town for a night.  The bar that was chosen was the equivalent of a McFadden's or Tilted Kilt, so I just wore some casual jeans and a tank top.  Upon arrival of the bar, I was shocked to see the amount of people drinking at 9pm, must be a southern thing.  It was a beautiful night, so we decided to stalk people outside, until a table opened up.  The two of us sat down at a large round table that could accommodate about 6 people.  We then proceeded to engage in what we do best: people watch, drink, and make fun of people.  We are mid-conversation, when out of nowhere, he stops mid conversation and tells me to look at the door.  Standing there are 2 middle aged women that were dressed as if they were coming from a wedding.  Confused and concerned for the well being of any male between the ages of 21-30 at the bar, I laughed it off and proceeded to drink my Redbull and cherry vodka.  Next thing I know, I get a tap on my shoulder and low and behold it is one of the cougars.  If I had to guess, she was probably early 50s, wearing a beaded plum cocktail dress, had a face lift and possibly a boob job, and had blonde hair similar to a Playboy bunny.  She was in excellent shape for her age, and where you could clearly tell she was trying to cling to her youth, she was actually quite pretty.  She politely asks me if I would mind if she sat in the empty chair next to me, at which I told her not at all.  I looked over at my friend, who gave me the "Oh Jesus" look, because he knew me well enough to know that it was game on. 

                    Her name was Barb.  She was a recently divorced woman practically gave me her whole life story within 5 min.  She hated her ex husband, the woman she was with was her best friend, recent cancer survivor and also recently divorced.  She made it perfectly clear what her agenda was that night, to find someone to make her feel "young."  I then caught her staring at my friend with her geriatric bedroom eyes, I had 1 of two options...To save him from an unwanted cougar attack or antagonize the situation which could possibly end in walking home.  My time was up, she finally allowed me to talk.  Rather than being a dick (surprising right?) I decided to take the high road and inform her that he was my boyfriend.  She then proceeded to hit me with tons of questions, "Where did you meet?, how long have you been together?, How old are you guys? etc.  Within 5 min, I had made up an imaginary relationship.  I told her that he saved my life in a boating accident while I was on vacation, we had been together for over a year and that I am concerned about the relationship because I am older and don't feel he is ready to settle down and with the distance thing, it was straining our relationship.  Trying not to laugh, my friend excuses himself and goes to grab us another drink.  During this time, she proceeds to tell me how amazing of a couple we are, and how truly happy we seem.  She was convinced that he was my destiny.  I proceeded to tell her how much I loved him, but just wasn't sure about the distance thing.  Then like a romance novel and with her all worldly knowledge, she decides to give me a lecture about love.  Returning to the table, with no clue as to what had just occurred, she starts grilling my friend telling him how lucky he is and how amazing I am.  Grinding his teeth as his he is agreeing she then stuns him with the most awkward question anyone can ask in an imaginary relationship, "When are you going to put a ring on it."  As I saw his tanned skin turn a pale white in udder terror, I intervened and told her  "We have some issues to work out first." 

                 We then proceeded to walk next door, cougar crew in tow to a club at which I promised the girls I would get them laid.  It was my turn to buy a round, and I was at about a 8 level  of drunkenness, so me and Cougar Barb's friend went to the bar to by shots.  $54 dollars and 4 shots later, I walked outside, to see Cougar Barb whispering in my friends ear practically sitting on his lap.  Confused, and a little pissed off like any imaginary girlfriend would, I see my friend looking at me with a shit eating grin on his face.  Rather than making an imaginary scene, I sat real close next to Barb as if I was her new best friend.  At this point she was just sloppy drunk, she grabs my face, turns my head and proceeds to tell me I should reconsider our relationship because he is immature and just asked her to join us for a 3 some, and she assured me she would be down, however she couldn't leave her friend hanging.  I then proceeded to pick an imaginary fight with my imaginary boyfriend because I was getting drunker and didn't know how long I could keep up the shenanigans.  Holding me up as I was stumbling out of the bar, we proceeded to laugh the entire way home. 

Moral of the story: Never leave a cougar alone with your imaginary boyfriend or you may end up in an imaginary 3 some. 

Keeping it Real - well sort of

Shelby